MIL vent! - am i being too sensitive?

kimberley wrote: ok, MIL just called and mentioned that her mom's b-day party is on the 30th. fine.. i know her b-day because it is the same as James' which has always been a problem since their parties are usually the same day. well i mention this to her and she tells me we "HAVE TO" be at this party. so i ask if i am supposed to make James party on the sunday and she says ya.

some history... i feel like she has never accepted my relationship with Jamie. she is really nice to my face but it is all on the surface, kwim? a few fights we have gotten into, she has told Jamie "you are too young for this crap" or said nothing at all. too young??? WTH??? Jade is already here! she should be telling him to live up to his responsibilities!! then we had a big issue over him getting a cell phone (dumb i know but someone has to watch the finances) then she goes out and buys him one at christmas. i was livid. there is no respect because she KNEW how i felt about it. then she babysat when we went to the big dinner at the hall where we are having our reception. she didn't ask one thing about it nor has she mentioned the wedding since. it is in 4 months!!! then at easter, she only bought stuff for Jade. i was upset because that is just not right! the boys are his family also and either get em all something small or nothing for none of them.

you know, i would rather someone just be mean and say they don't like me then play games. why bother acting like you like me when you don't??? she also got Jade like 10 presents at christmas and 1 for the boys to share! i am not happy at all what am i supposed to do in a situation like this? i don't want DH stuck in the middle of all this... he doesn't need that! but what else is there to do?

Kaitlin'smom replied: How rude of her your suppose to move her son's birthday to accomidate her? I dont think so. As far as the gifts thats just mean of her to do that to kids, It sounds like she does it just to get to you and make you explain it, its terrible. I really dont have any advice just wanted to say she is mean and your not over reacting and to offer you some hugs.

A&A'smommy replied: that would anger me too!!! Its NOT right that she treat you and your boys that way!!! I don't think your being too sensitive and I wish I knew what to tell you do to I usually just ignore my MIL if she is nice to me then I talk to her but when she isn't I ignore her and Alyssa stays with me and the same goes with jeremiah if they are mean to Jeremiah they don't get to see Alyssa... ((((((HUGS))))))

GavinsMommy replied: Wow, I would respond but Gavin is screaming his little head off, so HUGS and I will PM you when I can write more than a line because I'm one handed

mammag replied: I know you don't want to get him in the middle but I would probably have him say something to her. He will be marrying you in 4 months and should be sticking up for you and your children. Even if she doesn't like you, she should have more heart than to leave the other kids out....you are not over reacting in the least!!

JAYMESMOM replied: You are definitely not overreacting. I know you don't want your DH to get involved but it is his mom so he has to. Does he feel the same way you do about the boys needing to be treated equal? If he won't say something to her then by all means let her know she either accepts them all or she won't be a part of any of their lives.

I have the same situation with my MIL she loves my DH son from his first marriage but could care less about our daughter. The funny thing is she despises his ex-wife and doesn't understand why I don't.

Sometimes MIL just need to avoided if possible

Good Luck!!

gr33n3y3z replied: That is so rude about what she does for Jade and not the boys
I would just tell her if it cant be equal then Jade doesnt need it.

As far as not her liking you for no reason
Me personally I wouldnt give a crap
Just dont take it out on my kids or hubby.

ediep replied: ugh! How rude!!!!! You do not deserve to be treated that way! ((((HUGS))))

TANNER'S MOM replied: Girl I know what you feel like. It hurts sooo bad..and it makes your hurt for the boys. I am in the same situation with my children.

I have decided to say Pee on it.... My kids come first..all or nothing. I am honestly DH is a GROWN man ..and my kids are my kids.

Mel

kimberley replied:
DH was furious when i told him she said we HAVE TO go to this party for his grandma but kinda blew off the easter thing as she just forgot.. old age etc. when i brought it up again today, i think he got the picture. he said he will talk to her. his dad came by and knew something was wrong with me and told me that he doesn't agree with her saying HAVE TO either. but then he doesn't know what is really bothering me.


Mel, i thought of you when i posted this since i know you are going thru similar problems. it is very emotional. ((((Hugs)))) to you too.

thanks for the advice and comments everyone.

TANNER'S MOM replied: Thank you Kim.. I want to post more but I am so busy at work..

But I am very sorry.

Mel

GavinsMommy replied: now that i have a free hand

i'd be so mad at her! how rude of her to act as if one child is more important than the other just because it is her bio grandchild??? that's so mean to your boys. she really needs a lesson. even if it was just a small gift each, at least show that you care about each of them separately and don't think of them as a chore to buy for!

i'd honestly have a talk with her and tell her to get over what she thinks of you bc you're going to be around for a LONG LONG time. how cruel of her to suggest that you shouldn't be together when you have a child and are already planning the wedding!

i say she just doesn't want anyone taking her "little boy" away and is upset that he may actually care for someone just as must as her.

i think you need to defend yourself and not take that treatment. tell her what you told us about the gift issue. if she won't buy them all something separate, don't buy at all. or buy all THREE of them a gift to share and not just the boys. that is leaving them out!

DansMom replied: Yeah, I think it is Jamie who has to talk to her about fairness in gift-giving. There's no way to take him out of the middle, because he is the issue. Without him, there is no you and her. He's got to make it clear that he doesn't appreciate the favoritism---he might even say he will select from multiple gifts and pass on to charity any gifts that exceed in number what the boys are getting. It's somewhat natural for her to feel more attachment to Jade, but it's incredibly ridiculous and immature to turn those feelings into a visible statement like that. Is she 14? WTF is this woman's problem?

I have to say, until I started posting here, I had no clue how utterly wacko, self-centered and weirdly manipulative in-laws can be. I've been SO lucky, I now realize.

Boys r us replied: That's really cr@ppy! You know to heck with you, not how I really feel..but let's just go with that for a minute..I find it unimaginable that she could treat your two boys this way!
They are KIDS and any adult with 1/2 a brain would think to go out of their way to make sure they don't hurt a child's feelings!

I'm sorry she's behaving like this..you're right, you are in a tough spot! I don't know what to tell you to do Kim, but don't let her insensitivity spoil your wedding plans! Does Jamie see the same behavior? If so, have the two of you talked about it?

I have a some what semilar situation to the gift thing and I've yet to devise a plan of action..so I'm interested to see what everyone tells you! Rick's parents are great to Tanner, they treat him just like they do Braedon..but Rick's father's parents are from "the old country" and I know that they mean well..they would never ( I don't think) intentionally hurt Tan's feelings and they are always SUPER nice to him..but at christmas time, they give everyone a card with money in it..all of their grandkids, Rick, his sister and their cousins and then Myself and Braedon..but not one for Tanner. I'm not sure if Tanner has ever realized this or not b/c it's not like a big production is made of it..I mean his grandad hands them out while everyone is opening their presents, so it's very possible that Tanner has been too busy opening his stuff from Rick's parents that he doesn't even notice..but anyhow, it hurts **MY** feelings. B/c to me it's like they don't even recognize him as being part of their family..and he is! I have never even said anything to Rick, I'm not sure if he's ever given it any thought or not. I don't know what to do, I have thought of next year, just giving my card to Tanner..in front of them..but I don't want to come across as the rude one..b/c I know they don't mean to be..at least I hope not!

kimberley replied: see that is exactly how i feel, Nichole... i don't want to be the "rude one" to start bitching about stuff that maybe she didn't mean. that is why i let it go with christmas and the wedding. i did mention the easter thing to DH, but as i said, he just figured she forgot because she is absent minded. she called just before he had to go, so we really didn't get to talk about things much but i do plan to say something when he gets home. i want to hear him tell her about the gift thing cuz that is just so wrong.

as for the wedding, it is really hard for me not to be upset about it. everyone is helping out except for his family. so what... are they just gonna show up as guests, give their $100 and enjoy a party?! i don't freakin think so. if she is not gonna help in any of the planning or financial, i am not so sure i want her there then. i am sure that sounds immature, but my reality is this... it is MY wedding, MY special day with DH and i won't let her ruin it because she doen't want to cut the apron strings!

i am sorry to hear i am not alone in issues like this i hope you figure something out too, Nichole.