Love languages - DH had no idea

mysweetpeasWil&Wes wrote: DH and I had a long talk last night. I told him about that book...I can't remember the name, but the one about the 7 love languages, that we each have our own way of showing love. I haven't read it, but a friend described it to me. I told him I thought his was through physical contact, cuddling, kissing me, saying I love you all the time. I am the less affectionate one. Then I asked him to tell me what he thought mine was...and he couldn't answer! It made me so sad. I even gave him a few examples to choose from...and yet he still couldn't pinpoint it! I asked him "am I really THAT cold that you can't figure out my way of showing love for you?" and he said "yeah, sometimes."

OMG...I need to CHECK MYSELF! Because if my DH has no idea how I give love, well then we have a huge problem. He did finally say "well you make me brownies sometimes"! LOL! Cute!...yeah I guess that's true honey! Although making brownies is far from defining my love for him, taking care of my family through cooking and cleaning for them, keeping the home together, is definitely my way of showing love.

Where am I going with this post...I don't know...just thinking out loud. I told DH that I will try harder to be more affectionate to him. Since it's his way of showing love, he gets hurt if I pull away or don't say I love you back. Where to me, not saying it doesn't mean I don't love him. And I asked him if he would acknowledge and appreciate the things I do for him around the house because it hurts ME when they go unoticed. He agreed. Glad we had the talk.

I'm off to make brownies...

moped replied: Sounds like a nice talk to me!

SOmetimes that is just the way things need to go - everybody should say just how they feel and what would make them happier..............I used to be very affectionate, but then life got busy and it got put on the backburner! I have been told that also!!!!!

gr33n3y3z replied: I know I'm not very affectionate either

I think If I ever made the first move my husband would pass out and then he would miss it all lol

But I'm working on it at making myself aware of his needs also.

A&A'smommy replied: my husband isn't very affectionate and it has been really hard on our marriage because I am... anyway its a good book I read most of it and I believe its called "love languages" lol

lisar replied: I have that book. A friend bought it for me last year. It was very interesting. Also when we got married the preacher wanted us to read it and we had already read it. My Dh knows exactly what love language I am.

Lisa

redchief replied: Sorry to tell you... Men don't believe in that drivel... We just don't.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I know how you feel. My DH had trouble with that one, too. We have the book...he never read it. I think he would understand me more if he were to read it.

I'm glad you and your DH had that talk. ITA with Jen on this one...everyone does need to say what they 'need' or 'want' out of their mate. Nobobdy can read minds. I've done just that and made a list for Scotty (okay, it is a SMALL list ) I hope he takes it to heart. I don't expect him to guess what my needs are.

Sorry to go off on a tangent. None of that was directed at you. I'm just sort of thinking aloud.

ian'smommy replied: My DH isn't a big reader... In fact he isn't even a small reader. I wanted him to read it so what I did was every night when we were sitting in bed, I read a chapter outloud. It took about a week to get through the book. He thought it was excellent. If it was left up to him, he wouldn't have read it, but he was very happy that I read it outloud for him to hear it... He has recommended it to friends as well....

redchief replied: I can't speak for your DH's but I'll tell you right now, you couldn't PAY me to read that book. If you were to ask me how my DW shows love, it would be a difficult question to answer in terms of the emotion and how it is relayed. Does that mean I can not unequivically tell you my wife loves me? Heck no! She loves me with her whole being and it's shown in nearly everything she does.

Considering the complexity of the emotion that is love, I find it laughable that someone thinks that they can translate it into "languages." Further, I find it absurd to ask me how love is shown given the subtlties involved and the day to day changes we all go through.

I think you're right to "check yourself" on this. I don't find it as troublesome that you don't confirm your love vebally as I do the "pulling away." Nothing says "you repulse me" more than a pull away from someone you say you love. That, to me, would be very cold response to affection. Its hard to show love and affection all the time. Sometimes you just don't want to be bothered, I understand that. But a lot of this goes to the "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" thing. It is proven fact that women are more emotional and men more physical. So the physical care you show when you do things such as bake a special treat or take pride in the home you have together ARE outward signs that you love him and desire to please him. I think your commitment to try and show more affection is a good start, but I also think maybe you should try to understand what it is that makes you pull away in the first place.

JAYMESMOM replied: The book is called the 5 Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman.

The book has been instrumental in getting my marriage back on track. Also with the marriage counseling.

My husband is not a big reader so I ordered the book on CD and his first day out on the road he listened to it. They also make the book on tape version.

He has started to listen to it for the second time and it has been a great starting point for us to work from. We both have gained a lot of insite into each other but it took alot of work and questioning. Somethings we had to tell each other. You can't expect the other person to know how you feel all the time.

Marriage is work and if you stop working at it your marriage will not be able to live.

Just think of tall the fun things you get to work on.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
Well first off, I never made the comment that I need my DH to read this book. I haven't read it myself and agree that love is much more complex. But forgive me if I think translating it into languages and simply discussing the differences on how we show that love to one another is absurd. I'm using the book simply as a resource, just as I do this board. Your opinion is your opinion, and I thank you for giving a male point of view. But just look at all the posts above...seems to have worked for many. And I applaud that. Book or no book. Doesn't make their relationships somehow shallow...it just helps SOME people to see things more clearly. And although I agree that our lives change day to day, and that over the years, I have found differences in the way I physically and emotionally love my spouse, it shouldn't be some huge challenge for my DH to simply state ONE way that I show love to him. Is that expecting too much?? Maybe so...but again, I'm simply having a discussion with him...not asking him to translate his whole reason for loving me or being with me, etc. I know he loves me, he knows I love him...but I find it narcistic to just assume it.

Now for my pulling away...hello...this is exactly what we're trying to discover about one another. I am not pulling away because he "repulses me" by any means. I love him with all my being. But this is not my language. It is HIS. And I can't suddenly learn a language that is somewhat foreign to me...physical affection that is.

Jaymesmom...glad to hear it's helping you and DH.

ian'smommy replied: The book is not saying that someone doesn't love their spouse if they don't do certain things. But everyone has a way that they like to be shown love. I don't care who you are. Some people swoon if their spouse buys them gifts. It's not that they think their spouse doesn't love them if they don't. But it helps to reaffirm it. Since I have a lot to do at home with a toddler as well as keeping the house clean and cooking meals, I feel loved and respected if my husband helps out. He doesn't have to, but it makes me feel good if he does. If you do things for your spouse, and they never show appreciation, doesn't it make you feel unappreciated at all? Isn't it nice to hear it once in awhile? Doesn't mean they don't love you. But some people like to be shown in certain ways. If you like to be given gifts becuase it makes you feel even more loved, and because of that you go out and buy gifts for your spouse, you may not get the reaction that you expect if it's not how they like to be shown love. That can cause some friction after awhile. That's why it's always nice to know how a person likes to be shown love. I'm sure you've heard this in the past where a husband loves his wife but never tells her. He says, "She knows I love her, so why do I always have to tell her?" Well, it's nice to hear it occasionally. That falls under the same thing here... That is the love language of WORDS OF AFFIRMATION. You are reminding them of your feelings even if they already know. It's nice to be reminded. My husband can tell me every day that he loves me but if he doesn't show it in his actions then I don't feel as loved. So for me, words of affirmation aren't as big as actions (helping me out when he knows I've had a hard day, etc.)
I hope this makes sense.... I just wanted to make it clear that the book isn't telling you, "do these things or you don't love your spouse" It's saying that certain things mean more than others to different people and finding out what your spouse likes can help you reaffirm that you love them even when they already know. Marriage is work and knowign what "love buttons" to push on your spouse can keep things alive.
Red cheif, you said that you know without a doubt that your wife loves you. I'm not going to dispute that. I have no doubt she does. But is there not something that she does for your or whatever that makes you feel extra special?

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: Ian's Mommy (is it Lisa?), I hear what you're saying. My DH will say I love you all the time, but I can't agree that the words alone are enough for me. Neither is physical affection like cuddling and/or sex. It's NOT my love language. But I completely RESPECT that it is his. I think what RedChief may be saying is to be careful with the way I react because my DH may take my pulling away as a sign that I find him repulsive. This of course is not the case, but it just proves to me that my DH really doesn't understand the differences between his and my love languages.

I'm a doer. Someone who gives love through doing things for others. I don't always expect my DH to acknowledge and kiss my feet every time I do something, because like you all said, my DH can not read my mind, but my point is, I too would like him to respect and understand that this is my love language and it's different than his. He doesn't have to be a doer any more than I have to be more physically/verbally affectionate. But in order to make our relationship work, we have to acknowledge and try to understand those differences. And discussing them, even though I know deep in my heart (in my whole being) that he loves me, is still pretty awesome IMO.

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
This sounds just like us!

ian'smommy replied: MysweetpeaWil, I can agree with that.... And yes, pulling away can send a wrong message... Even if it's not your love language, it's your husband's, and that's what you have to keep in mind... It may not be your language, but it's your DH's so that's why the book is saying it's important to find out the spouses love language, so you know what they prefer, and can show them love in a way that will mean something special to them... KWIM? And yes, it's Lisa, but there are so many it can get confusing...

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
Yes, I completely understand that I need to acknowledge that it's his language. I understand that that's what the book is saying. I'm going to try and pickup a copy of the book ASAP so I have better knowledge...Thanks!

redchief replied:

I consider myself a fairly normal American male; with all the faults and foibles that go with being one of those. I wasn't speaking in specific terms when I wrote on that. That wasn't a commentary on you or your humanity, but an observation from experience. I was speaking of my own experiences in nearly 22 years of marriage, not all of which were blissful and harmonious. You said "pull away," I told what I felt when that happened in my life. I'd like to say our relationship has been a fairy tale romance, but that would be a lie. It was never my intention, nor my wish, that you take that as a personal commentary on either you or your spouse.

This is for everyone out there; and you can take this to the bank:

Marriage is hard work. Some days are harder than others, as are some weeks and some years.

There isn't a self-help book out there with all the answers and what works for some may not work for others. It still comes down to ability to communicate. Now if that's what 5 Languages of Love (or whatever its called) is trying to do, that's fine, but its still only one person's opinion on how a relationship should go.

Finally, every person in the world has a vision of what a great relationship is. We try and make our relationships conform to that standard. This is unfortunate because every person has a vision of what a great relationship is and it doesn't match mine. This can become a vicious circle if no one is willing to compromise on that vision. Compromise is as important as Communication. If everyone puts their backs up and refuses to change the way they envision the world, we're going to have a world full of lonely straight-backed people with only a vision of the perfect relationship.

3_call_me_mama replied: UMMMM>>>> Gotta go with Ed here. There's no way i could get my DH to read that book either. Or any man I know for that matter.(Nor would i read it- i have a personal issue with self help books) Although I am glad that it has worked for several of you.
Personally, I do not think that reading a book outloud to a grown man is going to help a relationship. (and if I did DH woudl proabbly find it annoying and leave the room) It's kinda like force feeding a child. Yeah they swallow the food, but resent you for pushing it down their throat, and they develop more problems later. Men adn women are different. and we need to accept that. Also what works for one, or even hundreds, doesn't work for all.
Also, by just passing the info on to them or anyone for that matter is just like heresay, you can't remember every detail exactally, it become thrid hand information adn often gets distorted to what we thought it said, wanted it to say or hoped someone might interpret it as.
Just my opinion though

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: Gosh...I haven't even read the book yet and I feel damned if I do! No j/k. I'm not taking any personal offense to what you all are saying. I have a much tougher skin than you think. But I will have to say that I don't necessarily believe men and women are all that different when it comes to love. You may laugh at this, but the whole men are from mars, women are from venus is crap IMO. And maybe you think that I'm never going to get anywhere in my relationship if I believe this, but I feel that this is actually what has helped me get this far happily married. I have come to realize that my DH and I are not all that different in terms of our wants and needs, we just communicate them differently. We show emotion differently, but it doesn't mean those emotions are complete opposite. Once they're out in the open, we laugh at how similar they really are!!! So anyhow...compromise is key. What Redchief said is quite beautiful and I agree. Marriage is a ton of work...even when you think your marriage is bliss, I feel you must always stay on your toes. I think self-help books work for some. And again, I don't take everything I read to heart, I only use them as a resource. Just like going to the doctor...you take the information they give and do what you want with it. I for sure don't believe everything I read. But in a relationship, it should be an equal responsibility when it comes to the work. My DH knows that things aren't always great between us, but he doesn't know how to necessarily work on them. Saying "you know I love you" is how he works through it. I'm only saying, that's not enough for me...I need more. I'm not settled by a "you know I love you"...so I reach for other guidance through books such as these. And NO I would never expect DH to read the book, but by him listening and respecting what I have to say about it, is what I call The compromise.

Boys r us replied: Hey hun! i'm going to skip right over all of the responses and just respond to your first post

Here is what I kind of get from your post, your way of showing love for your DH is by cleaning the home he lives in and cooking dinner for him(and sometimes his picky boss ) and other things of that nature. This is a language he doesn't understand and so he doesn't get that this is your way of showing HIM love, he just assumes you want a clean house and something to eat at night. KWIm? I'm not in anyway degrading your language, I'm just looking at it from his shoes. So, I wouldn't take offense or be hurt that he couldn't answer that question. Typically men aren't inclined to "play the girly game" with us and answer questions like that anyhow, even if they DO know the answer...it requires too much thought and god forbid might actually open the door to an intellectually and emotionally stimulating conversation!

I myself am an affectionate person and need that in return..or at least I need something out of the ordinary to see that Rick is doing something special for me..so if he said, I go to work everyday b/c I love you..I would laugh at him..after all, he went to work everyday b/f he ever even met me..do you see what I'm saying. I'm not saying it is, but that could be the samething your DH is thinking when you tell him you cook and clean to show him your love, he may need something more direct, something you wouldn't do with or without him in your life.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
Nichole...you crack me up! His picky boss!! Funny that you remembered...this Saturday Rae's restaurant is OPEN! Anyhow, thanks for your response. You pretty much nailed it on the nose. I see what you're saying about the girly game...and not that DH is an idiot or anything, but yes, he gets a little freaked out by any emotionally stimulating conversation. Not always, but when it comes to answering "deep" questions re: our relationship, he sorta freezes over. I know this about him, so I'm not angry with him that he can't answer, just a little shocked that he couldn't come up with one way I show him love.

Anyway, I think it is possible to have MANY love languages. This is why I found it questionable that my DH couldn't even pick out one of mine. I even told him that there wasn't ONE right answer to the question. I wasn't trying to put him on the spot. So I really didn't mean for it to sound like I expected him to answer with "you're a doer Rae". Just an answer, any answer please! So making brownies is what I got and I'm okay with that...I think! LOL!

I don't mean to be defensive here...and I should go back and read my posts...but I certainly want to point out that cooking and cleaning are not my only ways of showing DH love. As a matter of fact...I'm actually always the one to make the first move in the bedroom...LOL!!