It Took My Teenaged Daughter - To show me what a hypocrite I am

redchief wrote: My 16 year old and I got to talking about kids and relationships and how mean they can be. She related hearing people talking about her physical flaws in passing. She spoke of how she would walk by and hear the comments as they discussed, "Did you see her ********? Wasn't that weird?"

I asked what she would like to do, knowing how badly those things hurt. She said she would like to confront them, but often she has no idea who said it. She believes that most of the time those people don't think she can hear them.

I wanted to impart some wisdom and tell her how wrong those people were. As I reflected I realized that she was talking about ME. I am guilty of making off color comments about physical flaws of people I pass by on the streets, in the halls. I never thought they could hear me, but now I believe I was very wrong. I also believe now that it doesn't matter whether they could hear me or not... Somebody could hear me. So I found myself apologizing to my teenager for being just the kind of person who hurts her feelings so badly.

I'm also going to stop judging others. I never thought I was hurting anyone. Turns out I was hurting my own daughter.

luvbug00 replied: I've done that before and It took the person I was being mean to walk up to me and say " i jut want you to know you hurt me" needless to say I felt horribe and I appologized and never talked like that again. I'm sorry that she had to hear somone be soo mean !!

redchief replied:
Every day... and to think I had to admit to her that I have been guilty of such things too.

luvbug00 replied:

That's very brave of you. I admire you for admitting that to her ( I don't know if I would've been able to). I remeber when people would be mean to me too and I found that surrounding myself with positive frends and being able to talk to my mom was the most helpful.

redchief replied: I don't think I'd want to be a teenager today. I don't remember people who were different being treated so evilly when I was that age. Could it be that I was just blind to it?

luvbug00 replied: No I think alot has changed. Kids are just plain Evil now a days. My generation below me seems obssessed with money and power. But fortunately Studies I have found are showing that kids 15 and younger are showing a return to conservitive roots more kind and more in tune with morals family and concered with nature. So hopefully she won't have to deal with this for long...many for her!

~Roo'sMama~ replied: You've really made me think, Ed. I have been guilty of this too. I never wanted to hurt anyone's feelings - I've said things before and then right away realized that the person might have heard me and then felt really bad.

Thanks for making me think ~ I'm sorry your daughter has been hurt by thoughtless people!

amynicole21 replied: I'm guilty of this as well. I've been working on it though, since Sophia was born. I don't want her to turn into someone like this (me)

Jamison'smama replied:
I think they have always been horrible but with girls it is just so much worse. Society always picks on the weaker to make ourselves appear stronger---look at the reality shows--there is always a scapegoat. Preteen/teenage girls get into that groupthink mindset and are just horrible!

Ed, you made me think about my junior high days and have utter distain for myself---in my gym class we were in with a special needs class it it was PERFECTLY acceptable to make fun of this group---even acceptable by the D*** teacher--unbelieveable.

Thanks for giving us all something to think about and hopefully making us more thoughtful people.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Yikes. Sorry you had to realize that...

I was the picked on kid.

I had a 'fro - and I`m white.
I had really thick coke-bottle glasses
I was chubby
My mom made me wear uncool things by standards of other kids
I was a military brat - so always from one place to another, low in friends because of moving so much - and when I first got to Ottawa, I had an 'accent'.

I`d get gum thrown in my hair.
I'd get pointed at.
I'd be called Ch-ch-ch-chia.....
I was called a littany of other names.....

I`m just glad I didnt`have braces added to the mix.

I never stood up for yself - and I should have.

As I got older - I got my hair sort of under control - got contacts, and starved myself.

Later - the same people who tortured me emotionally in school were in my classes in late high school - I because friends with some of them - and they never even knew that they`d hurt my feeling when we talked aobut years passed.

Sometimes, people don`t KNOW they`re being mean - everyone deserves to know when they`re doing something that hurts others. Sometimes they don`t mean to - but they should still be told.

jcc64 replied:

I think in this capacity, kids are no different than they were when we were kids (I'm 40). I have vivid memories of all kinds of horrific abusive treatment visited upon the more vulnerable kids around us. Thankfully, I've been a bleeding heart all my life, and can honestly say I cannot recall a single incident where I am ashamed of my behavior. But I was acutely aware of it going on all around me. All the time.
As for kids now, I actually think they're a little more enlightened. The schools try as best they can, with anti-bullying campaigns, and peer mediation and such. I also think there is more frank and open discussion about noticable differences among us. There is a little boy (well, now he's 13) in my son's class who has tourette's syndrome. His parents and the school took the initiative very early on to educate the kids about Gabe's illness, and thankfully, the kids are very understanding and patient with behaviors that certainly have the capacity to alienate or ostracize the child.
Anyway, I think our kids are constantly teaching us things about ourselves, whether unwittingly or not. I give you alot of credit for admitting it out loud and allowing your child to learn from your own mistakes.

gr33n3y3z replied:
So far our schools have no clue about any of this.
Last year we had a anti-bullying course we all had to take for school and not one person has put any of what we have been taught in to use.

The Admin. I guess thought it was to much work bc their are many guide lines and presistance in making it work.

But I will talk to the new Admin. and see if we can get this program rolling

jcc64 replied: In my experience, if the teachers aren't behind it, it won't stick. It's alot of maintence, kwim? Most of the programs I've seen lately emphasize the role of passive bystanders as critical to the whole bullying process. Human nature dictates that the "strong" will always prey on the "weak", but if they don't have the support of the "herd", it really deflates their sense of power. This is basically the crux of the programs that are being used in our school system.
I hope you can make the changes you're looking for. I have a feeling you already know how difficult it is to affect change, any change, in a public school system.
But I guess we should keep trying....

gr33n3y3z replied: I agree we should never give up

My2Beauties replied: You know I get mad at myself when I think back to middle and high school and how I know I probably made fun of someone that I thought looked or dressed funny - thinking they may not have heard me and they very well could have because they were almost always in close proximity. As I get older and have a child myself, if someone ever made fun of her I would want to kill 'em I could never imagine anyone making my baby girl feel bad about herself, then I look back on myself and have realized over the years I was that kid that other kid's mom wanted to hurt! It makes me feel awful. I didn't do it very much at all, I didn't make fun of obese people, handicapped people by any means, but I did make fun of just the "nerdy" type people and stuff and I feel bad about it. I have definitely changed my ways. I won't make fun of anyone now, and I can find beauty in anything!

PrairieMom replied: I was guilty of doing this just last weekend. I was the Nerd in HS too, so I am guilty of trashing the spoiled little reich kids.
My hubby pointed out that I shouldn't be saying those things infront of my child. I wasn't even thinking about it! I felt like the worst example.

A&A'smommy replied: You know I think I do the same thing... I have caught myself before and recently i have also decided to stop judging people everyone...

ammommy replied:
Oh, kids have always been mean. It's just that now they use stronger language and are louder about it since adults act like it's acceptable (I don't mean you at all, just adults in general).

party-of-six replied: Ed,
thanks for sharing. It goes to show that we can learn from our kids.
My own daughter, who is now 16 1/2, just the other day pointed out a couple of little things that I did not even realize that I was doing that was hurting a close friend of mine. I immediately contacted my friend and cleared the air.
Had I not listened, and learned, from my daughter, I may have badly damaged my friendship with this great woman in my life.

kimberley replied: amazing what our kids teach us, isn't it? i was definitely a bleeding heart all through school. i was friends with everyone, especially the "outcasts". the abuse was just pure evil that some kids were dishing out. i also went to a predominantly italian high school and all was good til i was interested in this one cicilian guy and his cousin cornered me one day and told me that his cousin will NEVER be with some half breed flip girl like me so i better back off. i was stunned and could never do that to another human being ever. thanks for sharing your story, Ed.