I'm really upset and torn...I need your honest - opinions on this. ~Warning long~

MoonMama wrote: Here is a little background first....Reason being I want you all to know just how horrid these people are and why I feel the way I do.
DH was/is my oldest brothers best friend. They grew up together and were friend before my mom was even pregnant with me. Our families were always very close his mom was best friends with my mom. Fast forward....when I was 18 we started dating, Alec is 11 years older then I am and when they found out we were dating his parents and family immediately flipped their lids. They made is VERY clear this was not ok with them (my family had concerns to of course but were far, far better about it then his). I was too young, not good enough for him, a gold digger, only after him "because he's a hot pretty boy", successful, and a lot of other things I can't repeat. Anyway after he asked me to marry him and told his family, there was one last HUGE heated conversation where he was pretty much told them or me. Obviously he picked me. We got married when I was 19 and these people did everything in their power to stop our wedding, including called the place where we got married and a bunch of our venders (flower place, tux place, cake place, etc) and canceled orders and told them the wedding was off. Aside from on a very rare occasion (phone calls only) they have not been apart of our lives since he told them we were getting married. When they found out I was finally pregnant his mom said she was so sickened and felt very sorry for the baby. That she had been praying we wouldn't conceive and even went as far as saying she hoped I had a M/C because the child would be better off.

Sunday DH's mom called and long story short she wants to see Braedin. These people (DH's parents and most of his family for that matter) have NEVER met Braedin we have sent pics but they have never met him. Only the very few who have supported us 200% have been a part of his life. They do NOT like me at all and made it VERY clear I was not invited. They want Alec to bring Braedin over on Thanksgiving. He told him that he WILL be spending it with his FAMILY (meaning my family, Brae and I). His mom asked him what time we were having dinner and he said about 2 or 3. She said well bring him over from 9-1:30 then. He kept saying I don't want to leave my wife alone for even a second on a holiday. I could hear her telling him "stop calling that gold digging B*(&H your wife! I don't want to hear about her". She kept going on about how much it breaks her heart to not be able to know her grandson, to have missed out on the last 4 plus years of her own sons life, and how she has earned the right to be a part of Braedin's life. She kept calling him Brandon too BTW. After a while Alec finally said he would talk to be about it and see. Um WHAT?!?!? I don't want my child anywhere near these people!!!! And what makes them think they have earned the right to anything, esp on a holiday?!?!?!? Alec doesn't get this at all and we have been going back and fouth on this. He thinks its ok and doesn't see a problem with it. He feels Braedin has a right to know his other grandparents and I need to let it go and be the bigger person. I can see his point on that one. But I don't feel they have any reason to be a part of his life they have been horrible to me, my family, my son and in a lot of ways their own son too. I know Alec feels torn and he wants so much for all of us to just be one big happy family again. But they blew that one a long time ago IMO! I know he misses them and it was the hardest thing for him to do to walk away from them. Alec is a very loving person who wants everyone to get along and he can't handle negativity in anyway esp about the ones he loves.

What do you guys think? Am I being petty about it all or do you agree? Should I just let go of my feelings and the past and let them go and let them meet him? I don't know what to do and its eating away at me BAD! I know DH is so hurt and torn and just wont admit it.

Anthony275 replied: she seems selfish. dont let her meet braedin until she respects you 110%. she has to remember, he isn't 100% of your husband, he's half and half of both of you

Calimama replied: Well you know I'm pretty much in the same situation. IMO, she's "earned" nothing. The fact that she can't even be civil and stop the name calling for a 10 minute phone call shows how unwilling she is to respect you as not only a person but as Alec's WIFE and Braedin's MOTHER. I always tell my in laws that they don't have to LIKE me.. but they can at the very least be civil if they expect me to bring Miabella around them. I will NOT have them holding Miabella bad mouthing me at the same time. I would never do that to them and I expect the same courtesy in return.

I understand how extended family is very important in a child's life, but to me that kind of relationship is to the point of being toxic. If she can sit down with you and RESPECTFULLY (I've used that word a lot lol) have a conversation with you, and she can make it clear that she will not be using those words, or that attitude about you around YOUR son then I would let her have visits with Braedin. I'm all for kids getting to know their extended family, but that almost seems like that would do more harm than good at this point. Maybe after a heart to heart things with her will improve and then you can start talking about her getting to know Braedin (she might want to start with his name lol)

I find it sad that his family would let hatred take them to a point of not knowing their grandson and missing out on their sons life. I say the same for my DH's family. I tell myself that THEY are the ones making these decisions and in the end THEY will be the ones who have to live with it. Hopefully they can turn it around before they've burned the bridge completely off.

If you ever need to talk let me know.

luvmykids replied: Whew, that is tough and terrible and sad!

Personally, I'm all for them getting a "second chance" and getting to know Braedon. ON ONE CONDITION....it's all of you or none of you. If she can't even respect that you are his wife (which, by her comments, she doesn't) then it would be a big fat H E double hockey sticks.

I don't blame her for missing her son and wanting to know her grandson, but nope, you're a package deal. I see why DH is torn, I'm sure he feels like it could be the start of a better relationship and I might be able to compromise and say that ALL of you will come by and see how it goes from there. He shouldn't be put in the position to choose because she is the one who made the choice for him...when they told him it was them or you, they are the ones who made the choice by default when he didn't give in to them.

eta: I think for any kind of relationship to happen here there does have to be a starting point of some kind, and it may be best if it is just him and Brae for the initial visit, but ONLY after she is willing to accept that he won't choose between you or them and NOT on a holiday. I think that is a passive aggressive move on her part to make herself feel like he is choosing them, kwim? Why can't it be Saturday afternoon? If she wants it so bad, she should be willing to take it whenever she can get it.

ZandersMama replied: I was in the same boat. Only instead of gold digging i was cheating @#*(&.

I wish i had some advice but really I just wouldnt let my baby go without me, I didnt want him exposed to that. So I would go and as soon as snarly comments started I would leave. I would love to say it helped but realistically none of his family has seen the kids since Christmas, or even awknowledged their birthdays.

My3LilMonkeys replied: JMHO, but I would NOT agree to it unless she was willing to 1) have all of you come over and 2) stop making negative comments about you. And if she agreed, tell her the first negative comment you were all leaving.

My DH's mom was in a similar situation when DH was a child - her MIL didn't like her because she was previously divorced. DH's dad would take him to his grandmother's house when he was 3 or so and his grandmother would try to tell him him mother was a bad woman and teach him to tell his mother she was a f-ing b**ch and other not so nice things.

amynicole21 replied: God, that is so hard. I am all for grandparents getting to know their grandchildren, but she isn't even making an attempt to mend things between you. I probably wouldn't let him go unless you were there with him. And I agree, this weekend would be better. No sense ruining YOUR holiday because of them. They can work with your schedule.

gr33n3y3z replied:
I couldnt have said it any better

Our Lil' Family replied: No way would I let them go. Like the others said, she has to ACCEPT and RESPECT you first...then when that starts to mend y'all could take it from there. Like Monica said, you, Alec and Braedin are a package deal....all or none! If she truly wanted to see both of them then she would respect you and clearly she is not ready to do so. Her loss!

I'm sure this is hard on both you and Alec...I am confident that he'll stand by you though, he sounds like he is a great guy.

stella6979 replied: I agree with everyone else. There is absolutely no way I'd let them see him until they can show you some respect. I mean, if they dislike you for whatever reason, then so be it, but the comments are not necessary and I would never expose my child to people like that (grandparents or not). And how in the heck does she not even know his name? I would have just hung up the phone.

Danalana replied: Gosh, I really don't know what to say. My head says "No way would I let him go. She ruined any chances to see my son!" But the other part of me has had to put away bitter feelings for people in my own family...it's a hard call.
I can understand Alec wanting to try to mend this. As much as his mother has hurt both of you, she is his mother. There is a connection there that goes very deep, in spite of everything. And I understand his mother's desire to see Alec and Braedin (though it's completely wrong to talk about you the way she does). My father never wanted anything to do with me, but now he wishes he had, and he tries to do things to bridge the gap. it would be hard living with that kind of guilt, even though it was his/her choice. I also understand you not feeling any of that.
So yeah, I have no good advice. I would do whatever it takes to have a good holiday for you, Alec, and Braedin.

lovemy2 replied:
Denise hit the nail on the head - it comes down to respect - whether they like you or not isn't the issue - and no way would I let Brae go there without you- they have EARNED the right to see him and your DH when they have EARNED YOUR respect IMO

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Honestly, if she's wanting to see Brae so badly, she should be accomodating to you. YOU are the mother, even though her son is the father. She hasn't made an effort these past few years...what changed? It's not like she hasn't had a whole year to get to know Braedon. I bet she has family in from out of town who want to see Braedon and she doesn't want to have to explain why she hasn't seen him or why they can't either.

I think that yes, you should be willing to give it a chance... but on your terms. Try to get your dh to agree to meet in a neutral place... a restaurant or something...and WITH you. Not sure about places being open etc... but that way, if the crap hits the fan, you can both walk away with Braedon, and not have the inconvenience of being on her turf, and not have the inconvenience of having to have dh kick them out of your house.

My inlaws and I had a falling out a few years ago, and I wrote my MIL a 4 page letter telling her, bottom line, that if she cant get along with me - fine, but she needs to at least be civil / courteous with me if she expects me to let her around my children. It took a few months... but she called and we've since patched things up, so to speak.

I can see why your dh is torn. They are his family too.

boyohboyohboy replied:
I totally agree, and wow, it must be so hard on your DH to have his family out of his life, and i am sure he wants to show off his wonderful son, and what a great job you both have done, but at the same time, your son will hear them talk about you, and what they say, and at some point he will understand..
its just going to be harder on your husband if he goes there, and hears what they have to say, and finds that he has to leave them all over again..
its just best not to go right now.
and its a shame this is putting a cloud over your holiday.

luvmykids replied: Another thing I thought of...by being so unwilling to accept you she is not only disrespecting you but also DH. She is not respecting that he is a grown man and chose to marry you, she is making light of his choices in the situation and isn't respecting anyone involved. JMHO if she is sincere she would have had to at least come to the point of saying "I don't like it but I respect you as my son enough to accept that this is your life, your wife, and your family."

I didn't know until we'd been married a few years, but FIL didn't want DH to marry me. But he NEVER once treated me that way, I had no clue he felt that way until he apologized and said that now that he's gotten to know me DH couldn't have found anyone better. The point is, FIL didn't like it, but it wasn't his choice, and he respected DH's decision.

PrairieMom replied: I agree that it has to be all of you or none at all. There is no way I would send my child into a situation where he might be hearing negative things about his mother. At least if you were there maybe it would be toned down, and I also agree, the first negative thing that is said, you all pack up and leave immediately. Wouldn't be healthy for Braedin to be in a situation where his mind could be poisoned against his mother.

On the same hand, he should get to know his grandparents, and visa versa, so really, IMO it falls on you to be the bigger person. You are just going to have to prove your self to them. Its really sad that that is the way things are, but its the situation you are in KWIM? So, every time they knock you down with a comment, you just have to step up, and work harder to prove them wrong.

It really sucks that you are in that kind of a situation. For as Nuts-o as my MIL is, I am really thankful that she loves me. Or at least she says she does. It must be so hard to be separated from an entire half of a family. Why do people have to be so ugly in the first place?

MommyToAshley replied:
I couldn't have said it any better, I agree with you 100%. I would let your husband know that you are willing to forgive and move on, but his mother needs to treat you with respect as well.

I am sorry you have to deal with all this, it doesn't sound like a fun spot to be in.

lisar replied: Well here is my Opinion on this. She hasnt respected you so what makes you think she will respect your son??? I say unless you are invited and get to go and be civil then he doesnt get to go. And I would stand my ground.

moped replied: I am still thinking on this one......

Boo&BugsMom replied: Monica said what I wanted to say! I agree 100%. It's pretty selfish and completely immature on her part to ask if hubby and Brae could come over but tell you that you are not invited. Who honestly does that??? I would be willing to give them another chance if she called and invited ALL of you over, but only on that condition. It goes both ways, not one. She can't have her cake and eat it too.

In all honesty, if hubby does go with Brae I think that is disrespectful towards you. He should be the man and stand up for you and tell her that it's all of you or nothing and that she needs to GROW UP! She should not be putting your DH in the middle between you and her and should not be made to make a choice between his mother and his wife. That is aweful that she is acting that way. If my MIL called me those names and acted that way, I would expect my husband to stand up for me 100%!!!

Cece00 replied: No way would I allow it.

Obviously she has not gotten herself under control & let me just tell you from experience...people generally do not change. I dont think he will EVER stop being like that, and until she does, I would refuse my child going over there.

I was just about to post about how I think we are going to be able to avoid my MIL tommorrow & how happy I am about it....mine isnt as bad as yours- to ME anyway, she's a c*** to my husband (her son!) but there are a lot of bad feelings there & I am happy to be able to avoid that...

msoulz replied: Wow, I am so sorry you have to endure this. And that your husband does too. It is so hard to deal with family.

So my two cents: You do need to stick together on this one, both physically and metaphorically. Your baby does not go without you.

IMHO grandparents only have the "right" to see the grandchildren if the parents grant them that. I see it as more of a privilege than a right. If she were not your MIL you would have nothing to do with her and certainly your son would not. Why should she be special simply because she is related? She hurts you, and even if she agreed to stop saying things about you, the atmosphere would still be a poor one - very tense. Why subject yourself to that, and why subject your son and husband? Yes, she is his mother, but she is a fallible human being who does not deserve your presence or your son's until she can truly accept you.

JMHO. I wish you the best in making very difficult decisions.

Destined_4_3 replied: I don't think you're being petty at all! I think you are completely right. People will often say that family is family, but i don't agree! I think that you show respect to people who show respect to you, and your child doesn't need to be a part of such negativity. I would be steaming too, if my DH didn't automatically say no.

I wouldn't even send pictures!

MomToJade&Jordan replied: It seems to me like your MIL is trying to grab control back. Telling Dh that she wants to see her grandson on a holiday, yet still disrespecting you. She lost control when he chose to marry you. It's petty and if I was in this situation I would say no way. Yes I'm all for second chances. My MIL and I got off on a wrong foot when I first got married, but we were able to get past that. Now, even after the marriage is over, I still have a relationship with her. Brae is your son too and until that woman can learn to respect you she really doesn't have the right to see him. You are a package deal and she needs to except that. She doesn't even know his name. I'm sorry that you are have to go through this.

A&A'smommy replied: IMO I wouldn't let my child go unless I could go too and she was going to respect me. Because otherwsie she is probably going to use the situation for bad!!!!!

momtoMegan&Alyxandria replied: Of course I don't know the full background, but it sounds like she NEVER WANTED to give you a change. How can someone hate so much and not even know the person she is hating.
I am in total agreement with so many people on here. If she can't invite all of you, then none of you go. I also agree that you need to meet (at least the first time) on nuteral ground. A restaurant this weekend or somewhere else that she isn't going to have the upperhand at.
Maybe if DH stands up to her again, she will back down (even though I doubt that). Maybe if she can respect you long enough she can get to know you and hopefully her views will change.

I had a major falling out (it was actually a physical altercation) with my FIL several years ago and we didn't speak for a couple years. It was very hard on my DH and Meg (who witnessed it). You do have to be willing to forgive (or at least forget) about what has happened and try to move on.

I hope everything works out for you. Don't let DH bully you or guilt you into giving in if you truly don't want her to seem Brae tomorrow.

grapfruit replied:
He actually hates every person on the planet I think


Well except my friend Katie for some reason

holley79 replied: First off

Secondly, Either they accept the ENTIRE family or none of the family! They have never given you a chance. for them to be such wonderful "family" friends prior to your relationship is just sorry. They obviously had no problem with your family then all of a sudden they don't want you to be a part of theirs. That's just sorry. They are NOT parents and they are NOT grandparents. I would tell your DH the only want your son can go see them is if you are ALONG for the ride.

bawoodsmall replied: No way in hey unless she could learn to respect you. There are many people whom I am not in love with in my family but I keep my trap shut cuz it is disrespectful. They were yelling stuff on the phone about you for gosh sakes. Oh and imo you are his family now. You and your feelings and thoughts should come first.

MoonMama replied: Thanks everyone it means the world to be to have everyone support and also your honest opinions.

DH and I had a nice long talk last night (until about 3am but it was wonderful). I told him exactly how I felt no sugar coating it. And I think he actually understood. He told me his feels and everything and I understand more where he's coming from. I may not like it but I understand. And we agreed that he will call her and tell her like it is.....we can meet on a weekend day, somewhere of OUR choice, its all of us or nothing, and like Denise said she doesn't have to like me but that she MUST be respectful to me. First negative comment of any kind, we are gone and that is it for good. I'll let you know after DH has talked to her. Thank again for everything.

My2Beauties replied: Shew I'm so glad to hear that your DH stood his ground with his mother, how disrespectful can someone be, I don't understand it. I was going to say the same things as pretty much everyone else does, ALL OR NOTHING, but looks like you guys have discussed it and came up with what works best for you, which I agree with BTW. Good luck and KUP. And I am sooo sorry that you have to deal with this, it's really petty and sad that parents act like this towards their children and grandchildren.

kimberley replied: sounds like you and dh worked it all out. i hope for all your sakes, the meeting goes well. i do agree that she accepts all of you or none. keep us posted.