I'm hurt, confused, angry and dissappointed - at my friend...how could she do this?

CAMSMOM1 wrote: I know quite a few of you read my post on the Relationship board, about "Divorce, when it call it quits?" I was telling you the story of one of my best friends, Melissa, and her husband who hit her & her son, and was put in jail.

Ok, I talked to her last night, and she is going to take him back. I asked her, "Why do you think he's not going to hit you, or your baby again?" And she said, "Because jail really scared him. He realizes what he did was wrong, and it only happened ONCE, and he is going to anger management, and AA."

I'm also friends with Melissa's neice, who I worked with. And her niece admitted to me, that this wasn't the 1st time Melissa's husband hit her, it's happened a FEW times. The last time, before this recent incodent, he hit her on Christmas morning. Well that explains A LOT, because she called me X-MAS morning, telling me she was going to leave him, because they got into a fight. (she never mentioned he hit her) And she asked me to call her DH because he was threating to kill himself. (wow...what a nice Christmas morning that I was hoping for) So I called her DH, and I talked or should I say, counseled him, for 2 hours. She went back that night. And then 2 weeks ago, he hit her and her son. This was the only incodent she told me that he actually hit them.

I'm so hurt, sad, angry, confused and dissappointed.....how could she lie to me? Why would she take him back? What's going to happen to her or her son?

And what should I do? Melissa's other best friend isn't talking to her anymore, because she is so angry with Melissa. I love Melissa, but I just can't believe the choices she is making, and the lies she says to cover up for him.

luvmykids replied:
She's a classic, classic example of a battered woman. She has no self esteem and thinks she can't make it on her own and that she'll never find anyone else. She thinks she deserves it, and he's probably manipulating and threatening her too. And she wants to believe it won't happen again, and that he's scared straight. How many of us were warned about a guy, for whatever reason, and had to find out for ourselves, learn the hard way?

She probably didn't tell you about previous times for a lot of reasons, she's embarrassed, ashamed, scared. And partly, if a woman tells someone something like that there is pressure (for good reason) to leave and maybe she couldn't face that. Almost like if she doesn't tell you, she can pretend it didn't happen.

I completely understand how you're feeling, you hate to see her continue this awful and dangerous relationship and it's hard to drop everything to help her and then she goes right back.

All you can do is be there and encourage her. Try to get her to a counselor or a pastor. But unfortunately, it's one of those things that only she can decide. I think I would back off on trying to talk sense into her, you'll only feel like you're banging your head. But do not give up on her, she needs to be supported.

C&K*s Mommie replied: Pray for her, give her counsel the best you can. And hope that either she lets the Lord intervene and take back and reshape the life he intended for her to have, or hope and pray that it never gets to the final point of the unthinkable if he does what so many violent realtionships lead to. The end.

I hope and pray that she gets some wits about her, if not for her- then for her son. So many things he is being subject to, but also witness to. More often than not kids of abusive homes turn their lives into something of disgrace as well. They abuse others, or themselves. Sometimes they can refocus and redirect their paths towards the good. I praise people like that. They deserve the biggest pats on the backs, for turning their backs on what they have learned as children. It breaks my heart.

If only every women and child could say one thing to her right now. Every women and child that has died at the hands of an abusive person....
She needs to run, run fast away. It is the same sad story every day with victims of abuse. The same song, different chorus. Sometimes it takes learning experiences to get through to someone. I hope 1) she finds the courage to not go through this 'experience' that may never have an ending, until it is too late or 2) she picks herself up by the bootstraps and moves on WITHOUT this *#!&? . I am trying to keep my wits and not say too much negative about this person that is doing this to her. As I do not know him.

Just pray for her Ann, there is not much you can do. She will need to bring her self-esteem waaayyy up, and gain more pride about herself, and realize that this person is not changed. No matter how many rivers he cries, he likely is not. I do not know for certain. But I would not hang around long enough to find out.

C&K*s Mommie replied: ITA with everything Monica said, esp this:

CAMSMOM1 replied: luvmykids Posted on Feb 17 2006, 01:24 AM


Great words of wisdom. I am praying for her. And I pray that the Lord will either change her husband, or give her the strength to leave. I know that this is out of my hands, but for gosh sakes...I don't want anything to happen to her son! Her niece was telling me that Melissa's son is a terror! He used to be such a sweet boy. (he is the same age as Cameron, 22 months) Now he can't control himself, he's angry and very emotional and fearful. I can't blame him!

I know I want to be there for her, but she's going to do what she wants to. And she won't listen. I feel so helpless. And I feel for her son. It's one thing if she wants to get beaten by her husband, but it's ANOTHER thing to subject your child to it.

luvmykids replied:
I'm sure part of her is numb to it, thats the only way she can deal with it and considering that it turns out the last incident wasn't the first, she may be numb just because it's happened so much too.

And of course she doesn't want to get beaten (I know you didn't mean it that way) but probably, in spite of you and others wanting to help her, truly feels helpless. It sounds easy to take the help but when you're as beat up emotionally as she must be it's not.

Nicoles post is right on, keep praying and just being there. She needs you and I know you're a great friend to her.

CAMSMOM1 replied:

OH MAN! I just went back to read my post, and I totally didn't mean it like that. (Glad you know me so well Monica, and didn't take it that way.)


I just meant that it's her choice if she wants to stay in that type of relationship. But her son doesn't have an option to leave, and he is so helpless. KWIM?


Yes, I'm praying for her. I know only the Lord can get through to them, and mend this relationship. And I pray that they work this out.

luvmykids replied:
I know, and it must be heartbreaking for you to see for her but even more for him. Like Nicole said too, children just seeing it, even if it doesn't happen to them, can have such awful repurcussions. (boy, that was a big word, did i spell it right?) I'm praying for him, that he'll just have a shield around him and that his spirit will be protected. God has a soft spot for kids!

gr33n3y3z replied:
Just be there for your friend bc if she looses trust in you it sounds like she will have no one else. Just listen to her and gently try to guide her to making the right choices for herself and son bc you cant force her bc if you do that she will pull futher away from you.
Its sad bc no one can understand what they feel unless you have been there yourself and they have to want the help thats out there for them.
Fear is what it all comes down to bc thats what they instill in their heads.
I hope SHE makes the right choices before its to late.

When I was taking classes for D.V.R.T. we had to read this book
Go get the book and read it. It will help you understand. Its a guide for families and friends of Abused Woman

To Be An Anchor In The Storm

Susan Brewster

Bee_Kay replied: Oh man......

Your post describes my best friends first relationship.

I saw a beautiful young woman decend down to a beaten down (physically, mentally, and emotionally) woman.

He would hit her, drag her by her hair (never hit his kids though), once he raped her, he drank and did drugs.... and this was all while they were ONLY DATING. She went on to marry him!!! (I didn't find out everything he did to her until after she left him)

I knew what was going on, but she lied to me about alot of it. I had to be honest (brutally honest) with her. I couldn't take it anymore. She didn't want me to say anything to him.

I simply told her "Rach, I love you but I can't keep coming over here and watch him be so cruel to you. I'll be here for you, but I can't keep my mouth shut anymore and if that's what you want, then I can't be the friend that you want. When you are ready, I am here no matter what".

The straw that broke the camels back was - one morning, she was in kitchen and he was in the livingroom all drugged out... and she asked him a question and he replied "shut the f*ck up".

Now, I don't know what snapped inside of her, but she completely lost it.... she flew across that room and jumped on him (taking him completely off guard) and beat the living daylights out of him.

She grabbed her children and came straight over to my house and I've never been more proud of her.

And she never went back and that was about 10 years ago.

mckayleesmom replied: Personally I would be printing off every article of woman being killed and children being killed at the hands of their husbands and fathers and send them to her. Maybe she just isn't seeing the big picture on what could happen. Try www.crimenews2000.com. .

Mom2BNTN replied: I have never understood why someone would ever put themselves and their children into harms way. Which is exactly what your friend is doing!! All they ever say is he didn't mean to hit me.....he never meant to hurt me....it only happened once....but he loves me.....I love him....he said he would change.....he said he would get help....and guess what? Don't they realize the guy only says those things, because he knows that is what they want to hear! If someone really LOVES someone....they would NOT abuse them physically, mentally or verbally! Your friend needs to understand that he does not love her or else he wouldn't hit it! She needs to stop making excuses for him and get out before something really bad happens the next time. If she wants to continue living in such a violent situation that is totally up to her, but she has a family to think about and she isn't doing what is best for her child. I guess the best thing to do is try to be the best friend you can be to her, but do let her know how concerned you are about the whole situation and that you wish she would re-think her decision. I hope everything works out for her and her child. Keep faith in God to watch over her and her child to keep them safe. Never stop praying for them because God does answer our prayers. Please keep us informed on how everything works out for her and her child. She is so blessed to have a friend like you!



Kristi

MamaJAM replied: Ditto to what everyone else is saying.

My prayers go out to you, your friend and her son...and everyone involved.

CAMSMOM1 replied: Oh, Thank you everybody!


It's nice to hear other's stories, and I'm so glad your friend (Bee_Kay) got out in time, and found the courage to do so.

The ironic thing is, Melissa's sister was in an abusive marriage for 20 years. Melissa would always talk to me about it, and how she couldn't understand why her sister would stay with him. And now, she's in the same situation, doing the same thing he sister did.

I know that I'm her "only" friend, besides the family she has, that she can confide in. I really opened up to her the other day about it, she knows how I feel. But I told her that I will love & support her, and if she ever needs me, I'm here. I guess that's all I can do, besides holding them up in prayer.

Maybe this time around, she will see that things haven't changed. He was only telling her what she wanted to hear, and it's time to leave. I know she still has that strong spirit inside of her somewhere, and I hope she finds it.

Thank you for praying for her and her family. I only hope that nothing else happens to her, or her son.

Cece00 replied: I'm so sorry for your friend, poor woman. I dont know what advice to give b/c I find usually in situations like that, the women just cant get out for some reason until it gets REALLY bad or its too late.

Would she come and stay with you? Or go to a battered women's shelter?? Maybe if she thought she'd have a way out, knew she had options she would be more likely to leave.

Edward's Mommy replied: Chris and I went through a point where we fought a lot and he hit me once. (He slapped me). I don't know your friends situation, but in the case for Chris and me, we needed help communicating. We didn't have the money for counseling so I called my grandmother and she's helped us open up and communicate to each other. Maybe that's what they need is help communicating. I hope everything works out, Ann. I'm here if you want to talk!!

gr33n3y3z replied:
Oh they know trust me and they still go back
Unless your educated about this problem no one understands what these woman go through ppl. on the outside only see it from the outside looking in they only see whats in the in and they are made to beleave its the best for everyone Its great and its the best you have everything what more could you want.
So showing pics and articals wont change a thing to these woman bc they feel its not them and its not that bad. True but very sad.
This is something that they have to do on their own with a little guidance in the right direction.
Bc every woman that is beat down to the point that they know if they walk out of that house they loose everything money,homes and always on the run away from there S.O. trust me they dont do enough jail time for them to set up a new home and when they do guess who comes looking for them you got it S.O. They dont want to take the risk of ticking them off any more bc they know the next beating will or maybe kill them.

fashionmumofboys replied: Everyone here has given such good advice and I pray for your friend and her son's well being and to get out of her DH's reach. He sounds dangerous and not healthy for the child to be around in.

Tylersmommy replied: God give her the strength to leave that man!!!! Just so she knows he is most likely lieing about it never happening again. It will and it might even be worse. All I can say is her and that baby are in my prayers.

jem0622 replied: I'd call CPS. My sister was not with a good man. It took a long time for her to see how bad of a man he really was.

CAMSMOM1 replied:

I've thought about that. Her BIL is the sheriff in her town, and they know all to well the dangers of her son, and that her DH is a drunk and neglecting her son. The good thing is, she finally put him in a daycare, so even if they do get back together, he won't be watching him.

I know if I call CPS, even if it's annonymous, she & I won't be friends. But I'm willing to do that, if it saves her child's life. She hasn't taken him back yet, because there is a restraining order in place until his court date, in March. But she said after that, she probably will. I just hope this buys her enough time to realize, he hasn't changed, and she can make it on her own.