I'm depressed too - Help?
My2Beauties wrote: Hey guys! I think I need a shrink j/k..but seriously! For the past few weeks or maybe even months I have been so depressed. I don't know why but I have been really mean to people. This could get long, but when df (dear fiance) wants to go out with his friends (which is maybe once every 6 -8 weeks or so) I flip out. I get so jealous that I can't see straight and it literally makes me sick to my stomach! It causes me to be really mean to him and say hurtful things and the other day he actually said to me Do I make you miserable, are you unhappy with me? What is so funny is that he has never ever given me a reason to be jealous and I don't ever think that he would cheat on me but I get so flippin' mad at him that I act like a total bratty child (I could say another word here)! I am making him miserable because I think he feels like I am all up under him all the time. My df is into a lot of sports (always has been) so two-three nights out of the week he has either basketball, football, softball , bowling he always has something to do (he can't stand to sit in the house, he's too hyper) and I just feel like I'm always forever stuck with the baby! So now I have gotten resentful because of that and I feel like I am the only one who knows how to take care of her right. I say stuff like well I'm the only one who knows how to get her to sleep, I'm the only one that knows how to give her a bath, I am the only one who knows how to feed her (baby food not bottles) etc. etc... and it's starting to p*** him off. So I get all stressed out and say you don't do this you don't do that! I think I could destroy us if I continue to act like this. My friends tell me that I have a jealousy problem that I need to work on (even my friends don't blame him and that is weird, most girlfriends help the girl blame it on the guy..LOL) really bad!  I am going to buy him an I'm sorry card and write him an apology letter. See we're still young 23 and he's 25, so we do still like to go out every once in a while and I go out with him and have a great time, but when it comes to "guys night out" which he doesn't ask to do often I literally get sick to my stomach guys  !! It is starting to make me look needy and our friends are talking, saying I look mad and depressed all the time. I didn't realize it was so apparent, my face just shows it evidently? Sorry to ramble...what to do?
mummy2girls replied: Oh Dear(((HUGS)))) . Im so sorry you are feeling this way ! I know to a certain point in how you are feeling. I find i get jealous with jennas dad also. We are no longer a couple but we are best friends. But everytime he brings up the fact he went out with some friends i get upset. I think a big part Hun in why we feel this way is because they are out having a guys night out and we are stuck at home with the baby! Not that we dont love being with our kids..i just think we need to have girls night out also. You said you go out with him at times and enjoy yourself but its without you when you get upset. Maby its because you feel its not fair that they can go out more than us girls. I feel that way alot when aron tells me these things.
I hope you feel better soon...(((BIG HUGS))) coming your way!
My2Beauties replied: That is one of the reasons...I am almost jealous of him when he goes out with his friends. For the simple fact, all my friends are preggo right now (actually one is in labor as we speak) and I can't go out and do things like I used to with my friends. It seems like he makes plans with no problem, whereas me, I'm all worried about who is gonna watch the baby and does he want to watch her by himself, I think about stuff like that, he doesn't! I don't fault him because he's a man, they aren't created to think that way...we are however and it...well to put it bluntly...sucks! I just feel really bad, because if the shoe was on the other foot I would feel like he was insecure and trying to control me, and when I think about it that is how I come across without meaning to. So for the past two weeks he has sacrificed going out for a couple of hours because I want to be a whiny brat! I feel so bad! Anyone else went through this?
MommyToAshley replied: (((((HUGS)))))
I am sorry you are going through this. But, at least you realize that there is something wrong and want to change things.... that is a big and important step. Do you feel upset and depressed all the time or just when he is out doing something else? I wonder if it could be PPD. Maybe you should mention this to your doctor... just a thought.
I know it's hard, but I think you already realize that you need to let your DF do things for Hannah. He may not do them the way you would, but I think that both of them need that time together. (I know sometimes it is hard for me to step aside and let DH do things for Ashley.... things that I thought only I did the way she liked it) Soooo... while they are having that time together, you can have a girl's night out or just go pamper yourself!
Here's some more hugs and support. We're here whenever you need an ear or support!
DansMom replied: What you're feeling is so normal---I felt angry with DH like that sometimes after Daniel was born, and it wasn't his fault---he was a very involved parent. It really did help when I changed my approach and decided to confide in him about the things I needed help with and the things I felt insecure about as a new mommy.
The baby blues were pretty bad for me in the first months, on and off---some people were worried about me too. I got through it without counseling or medication, but it was a matter of admitting my sadness and fear, and asking for help from DH rather than just resenting him. I don't know if this would help you at all, but maybe when you apologize to DF you could also share some of the things you've been feeling sad or worried about. He might be able to be supportive in ways you haven't thought of.
Do you need some time on your own as well? Maybe you could get DF to watch the baby, so that you can do something you've been putting off---leisurely shopping, a movie, or just going out to lunch... getting some help and some time to do things you enjoy might help things.
Sorry you're going through this---you really are not alone: the baby blues are much more common than people realize.
My2Beauties replied: Can you still have the baby blues after 6 months? I've heard of it, but have never known anyone to have it past a couple weeks? I am glad that I have finally admitted it instead of blaming everything on him. He says I make him feel like nomatter what he does I can't be happy! The worst part is, he asks me all the time if there is anything I want to do by myself so I can get out on my own. Good news is this weeks (we're going to Vegas next week) I will be busy pampering myself for our big vacation. Thursday I am getting eyebrow waxing, I need to dye my hair, I have some shopping to do, I am getting a manicure and a pedicure on Friday and I am planning on going to the tanning bed every night this week (if I don't I'll burn badly) so maybe that is what I need. I'm so afraid to ask for help, I'm on the of those hard headed ones. I think this vacation will be great for us too! We'll have time alone together away from squeaky toys, rubber duckies, and diapers!!! Not that I don't love every moment with my daughter, but this being my first time, it's harder than I thought it would be! Thanks for the posts, keep them coming you guys are making me feel a lot better!!!! 
A&A'smommy replied: (((((BIG HUGS)))))) First of all I know EXACTLY how you feel only I don't have any friends. First of all the opology is something you need to do and its a great first step to getting over your "jealousy problem". Maybe you should go out ALL day by yourself and leave him with the baby one day, and then from then on maybe "teach" him how to do those things that you do all the time feeding her, bathing her stuff like that. I started doing that from the get go because I just knew it was a good idea because his exscuse for stuff is I don't know HOOOOooww lol. And then maybe twice a week when he comes home or something let him take care of her, cook or something like that. here is the link to my story lol and there is some REALLY good advice on there even some from a man.
My vent
CantWait replied: It does sound like you're going through a little bit of PPD. Have you talked to anyone about it? I know it's hard, I'm still struggling with the idea of it, but it's really does make you and everyone else miserable.
It might be with all your dh's extra curicullar activities though that he doesn't know how to take care of the baby as well as expected. My dh rarely feeds the baby and so the baby won't eat from him. Or it could be that your expectations are to high and your impatient cause he's not doing it YOUR way.
I'm so sorry that you're feeling down though, I know exactly how you feel and I hope you're feeling better soon
newmomma replied: It sucks to feel that way. I've treated my hubby the same way. I think it's great that you're buying him the I'm sorry card. At least you recognize that you're not always in the right.  That's the first step to making it better. Maybe you could explain all of that to him, maybe you could go with him sometimes when he does the sports related stuff? I hope you start to feel better about all of it, I have been there (pretty much the exact same thing) and I know it's hard. 
Kirstenmumof3 replied: I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. It does sound like you may be suffering from Post Partum Depression. As a person that has suffered from Post Partum Depression I want to offer my support. I've listed a few links for you that may find helpful you. The best thing you can do for yourself is to talk to your doctor and he will recomend a treatment plan for you which could include medication and counseling. Be kind to yourself what you are going through is very common and the sooner you get treatment the sooner you will start to feel like yourself again. Talk to your fiance about everything, he will understand. Lean on this community as much as you need to, we are all here to help you. You need to take time for yourself. If you are already doing this that is great. Do a lot of self soothing right now. You know that commercial "Calgon take me away" I never believed it, but trust me a nice hot bath does a world of good. I hope Iam not overwhelming you with information, I tend to go a little overboard. Take what you can from my message and know that I am just offering you support. I hope things get better for you.
http://www.ppdsupportpage.com/
http://www.postpartum.net/ (this one is has a test you can take. I suggest you start here. Print off your test and take it with you when you go and see your doctor)
http://www.depressionafterdelivery.com/
kimberley replied: oh sweetie, i am sorry you are going through this. i have BTDT a few times. DH has said almost the same words your df said, "it seems like nothing i do makes you happy". and he was right and i didn't realize it. i was completely overwhelmed with 3 kids and housework that i resented DH. i think it is a normal thing many women go through when they have a new baby. and yes, you can have PPD after 6mos. my thoughts are with you and i am here if you need to talk.
porksdad replied: Firstly as a man want to say thank you- alot of what you say and the following threads shone light on alot of things my wife and I go through- except I tend to give up and not go out with the boys LOL--Have a boys night planned for next week, first in two months and she is has been stressed about it for a fortnight already hahahahaha
As a man I would say his comment about `make you happy' touched a cord--I do feel that my love for my wife is best shown in making her happy and when she responds badly I tend to feel I am to blame and then go down the course of thinking `nothing' I do is good enough....and an argument can ensue lol
BUT in defiance of your GFs LOL I would say that if he is out playing sport three times a week or so-it is not like he simply has one `boys night' in 6 weeks--he is out doing his thing almost 50% of the nights and from the sound of it you need some girl time to, more to the point maybe you need some together time also.
I find with my wife and I that sometimes we get so wrapped up in running the babys routine (well maybe I do hahahaha--borderline obsessive maybe) that we forget to take time for each other--Girls night and boys nights are all very well, living together is all very well--but I would strongly suggest you two look for a time when you can go out TOGETHER and have fun..it does not have to be as rigid as once a week though that is nice but in life when we are in a position of giving of ourselves (as you are as a mother - constantly) there comes a time when we need to be `fed' to receive to enjoy and revive ourselves in order to have the strength to give find a babysitter and go do whatever you two used to do for fun:)
Also agree that you should let him sit with the baby for an afternoon or a morning- get out and pamper yourself--if you can't find a friend available for coffee and shop go to a salon and have the works just have some YOU time Don't worry about the baby --DF will learn-and probably enjoy the responsibility-nothing like the deepend to make him learn lol and if he contends with a few crises he will have a better appreciation of your day
as a man know nothing about PPD so can't make any comment
You girls are so understanding of your mens boys nights--need to get my wife talking to you so you can teach her hahahahahahah
coasterqueen replied: Sorry you are so depressed. I'm not sure what to say. I know if my Dh was going on "guys night outings" I'd be jealous too. Dh and I went through something similar to this. He was going out with the guys, even just over to their house near ours and I would get furious. I felt I wasn't appreciated for everything I was sacrificing for our DD and it made me mad. We had a few arguments about it and finally after months of it we came to an agreement. He gets one guys night out a week and I get one night a week to do my thing. I usually don't go out with my friends because they go drinking at bars (they don't have children) and that's just not my scene anymore. So I usually get on chat with some other friends one night a week. So I don't feel so upset now that we both get our night a week.
I'm not sure if you have PPD or not, but it sounds like he needs to also let you have a night to yourself .
My2Beauties replied: You guys have been so helpful to me, I am so thankful for this board. I didn't realize how many of my fellow girls have had this same feeling. I thought I was the only one. I felt like a brat!! Cantwait...you hit the nail on the head as far as feedings. DF tried to feed her one day last week when I asked him and she puckered up and started screaming until I came in there and fed her!!  That worries me because I know it makes him feel bad but in the same instance it makes me mad because she should be used to dad feeding her as well. She has been reaching for me lately a lot and when dad holds her she whines and fusses and stares at me until I walk over there and she reaches up for mommy and smiles. I know this is starting to hurt his feelings an awful lot, but again, it was seeming as if the reason she does this is because she is always with mommy! I start back to school next month 4 nights a week until 7:30 M-Th and I told DF pleae do not change her routing and wait until I get home to feed her and all that good stuff. I said she eats her dinner at 5:30 every day when I get home from work....please feed her! I hoep he does it. I apologized to him and told him I was sorry I made him mad Friday night (that was the night he was supposed to go out) and he kind of looked at me like oh now you apologize. Your posts have made me realize that I have to let Hanna get used to the way other people do things as well and not just mommy! If daddy can't get her to sleep exactly the same way..that's OK! I do need more "me" time and the good things is DF already realizes that and asks me if I want to do stuff, I just always say no! Then when he wants to do something he just goes!!!! That is why I'm jealous I think! Before DD came along I went with DF to all of his sporting events and watched him played...I loved it! But now that DD has come and a lot of his games are at night, I'm just like we'll I'll stay home! I just started to resent him. I feel jealous because he has fun and I don't, he still seems carefree and I don't, and my friends are all preggo and can't go out with me  !! Well I appreciate all of your support and don't know what I would do without you guys. I will check out some of the links you all sent me (I read alyssa's mommy's My Vent story, sounds exactly like me) and hopefully those too will offer as much insight as you guys have! Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one whose jealous and had this problem...I feel so much better, less bratty!
My2Beauties replied: CJ'smom I took the postpartum test and got a 57, anything over 40 is considered mild-severe anxiety/depression. Thanks for these sites. I don't like medication, so don't know if I will visit the doctor unless i get to the severe stage however, this in itself helps me to assess my feelings and gives me a start to my new plan. First of all, our trip next week, I plan on spending as much alone time with DF as I can and also taking a day in Vegas at our hotel and going to the spa!!!! I want facials and body scrubs and everything else! Secondly with school starting back as soon as I return from my trip ,that adds more stress so I will sit down with DF and tell him please realize that I cannot do everything when I get home at 8:00 at night! He should be happy to help, otherwise he woudl leave it to me if I didn't say anything (that's a man for you). Third, now that it is warmer outside, I plan on attending DF's games more.....Hanna can stay up late once a week or so!!! I will also make it a point to go out with my girlfriends, even if it's not partying, I have some frieds who aren't preggo that I can go out to eat with or go out for a couple of hours shopping!! The thing is my preggo friends were the partyers (funny eh?)!! I like to party but it's starting to get old, so maybe once they settle in with new babies in the next 6-8 weeks I can start going out at least once every 2 or 3 months again! Fourth, I want to tell DF that I want us to take one weekend a month and spend the weekend together or even one night that weekend. Something we wouldn't ordinarily do, like Laser Tag, go-kartin (we have Go-Kart fields and places everywhere here) to bring back my kiddish side!!! You guys have helped me so much....I have been thinking about this every since I read the first response that said (((HUGS))) it let me know I wasn't alone and can get past this, I just need to not be so hard-headed!
|
