I'm curious ... - Spin off of birth control post

luvmykids wrote: In a lot of topics people say they wouldn't tell their kids not to do something the parent had done because it would be hypocritical, but the other side of the coin is having learned some lessons and having a tad more life experience and wisdom, isn't it also wise to try to teach your children to prevent making those choices? At what point would you say yes, I made mistakes and bad choices but that doesn't mean I'll allow my children to do it?

For example, DH was a heavy drug user and alcoholic, does that mean he can't tell our kids that drugs are not ok? Because it would be hypocritical? Or does he have a responsibility to them to have learned from it and put that to use? He wouldn't lie to them about it, but he darn sure will not tolerate them using drugs, so is that hypocritical? Or is that older, wiser, and responsible parenting?

Don't get me wrong, I know we can't snap our fingers and choose for them or keep them from doing any little thing, but I don't think it makes you a hypocrite to have learned hard lessons and changed your ways and especially when doing it out of love and concern and wanting the best for your children. And then where do you draw the line, haven't we ALL done something we tell our kids not to do? So basically we can't tell them much?

Maddie&EthansMom replied: ITA Monica!

amymom replied: I think that it is older wiser, and responsible parenting. I think you put it very well. I totally agree. Just because someone was not a virgin on their wedding night doesn't mean they can't wish that for their child. Just because someone smoked cigs, got drunk, quit school, or any such other bad choice doesn't preclude them from guiding their children. I think it makes that parent more able to guide. How many of us have grumbled yelled at or disrespected our parent in some way? Probably every single one of us. That does not stop us from asking our children to respect us fully.

Good Question Monica.

My3LilMonkeys replied: My parents were always very open about their experiences, but not in the best way. For example - my parents both used drugs and were very open about it. They never said that drugs were bad or dangerous - as a matter of fact, when I was a freshman in high school my mom told me that if she could afford it she would have been addicted to cocaine when she was in her early 20's. That was a little bit of an overshare in my opinion.

I think somewhere in the middle is where to go. It doesn't hurt to share your life experiences, just make sure you are emphasizing what you learned from them as the important part.

ZandersMama replied: DH was a very stupid man when he was younger, landed in jail, drank too much and did way too many drugs. He still struggles with a drug problem, but it is not something my kids need to know about.

~Roo'sMama~ replied: ITA, Monica. I know I have made a few dumb mistakes, as well as some dangerous ones, that I will be honest with my kids about and use my experience to teach them not to do the same thing. There is absolutely no way anyone should just stand back and watch their kids repeat the same mistakes they made just because they feel like a hypocrite telling them not to do something that they did. Ok that was a kind of incoherent sentence but hopefully you get my drift.

mckayleesmom replied: I think its perfectly fine to not want your kids to make the mistakes or do the things you did or do. We all want better for our kids. I do not agree with people that threaten their kids with being disowned, etc if their children make the same mistake that they did...That is hypocritical to me.

A&A'smommy replied: ITA Monica that is how my parents taught me and you know what I NEVER once tried or did drugs, and rarely drank (I do so more now than I did when I was a teenager) never desired to try drugs either and was in situations where I could have and I'm proud to say thanks to my parents I never did it!!

Bee_Kay replied: Being parents of teenagers, my DH and I choose to be fairly honest about our pasts as far as being teenagers go.
Ashley, for awhile, reacted as if we didn't know what we were talking about but after time, her replies came as "You guys WERE right"...ect.

It was VERY difficult for me to open up to Ashley about some things from my teen years.... like the "how old were you your first time"! THAT was a hard one. But, I was honest and told her the circumstances along with the regrets.

So, yes, I believe in being honest with the "I've BTDT" type approach. We try to be open minded and know that they will experiment with things over the next few years, but we feel all we can do is educate them and hope & pray that they will trust us enough come to us for advice or help.

luvmykids replied:
I don't either, I can't think of anything that would make me want to disown them. Tough love them, maybe, but disown, no.

C&K*s Mommie replied: ITA with your first statement, Monica. You said it well!

BAC'sMom replied: ITA Monica.

3_call_me_mama replied: Well I was perfect growing up so they better be too!
JUST KIDDING!
While i never smoked or did any sort of narcotic I drank underage (liek under the legal drinking age, not necesarily under the legal adult age of 18). There were things I did that I KNOW my parents wouldnt' have liked or approved of. BUT do i intend to tell my children teh details of these events? NO! I plan to raise tehm teh same way that I was in teh sense of what is righ tand wrong and what the consequaences of your actions are. If they chose to do somethgin that they know is wrong (or at least have been brought up to believe it is not ok) then they have to accept those consequences that come with that action. No one can be there 24-7 to guard their kid. the best I can hope is that teh values and morals I can instill in them when they are young will be enough to get them through the teen years safely and they will come out mature and responsibel adults. I would never raise my child with the notion that "they're going to do it anyway" "how can i tell them not to when i did". Cuase i'm still theri parent and one day they will be in my shoes toying with the same question. Hope and pray for the best after I've taught all I can is all i can do

luvmykids replied:

redchief replied:
I agree and I think it's served well to be that honest. When the children are young, they see us (parents) as superhuman, able to leap tall buildings, more powerful than a locomotive and all. But as they grow up and realize that mom and dad are human after all, I think it's good to share some of the mistakes we've made anecdotally. As Barb said, BTDT can say a lot. Besides, I've heard that retro t-shirts are back and I've bought plenty of t-shirts over the years.

MyLuvBugs replied: ITA with you Monica.

My dad is an alcoholic (although he won't admit it), but yet he and mom NEVER once talked to me about drinking, sex, drugs, etc.....They never threatened me either, but I guess it was just "understood" that those things weren't acceptable. KWIM? However, even though I knew it wasn't right, it didnt' stop me from drinking at an early age

The thing in my family (mainly my dad's side ) is that we aren't listeners. We are all pretty much the type to just go and do it and learn from our own mistakes type people. KWIM? So, even if my parents had been the type to have all the talks and lectures and blah blah blah with me.....I probably still would have just gone and done it on my own just to learn it all for myself.

I'm not ashamed of anything I've done in my life (most I'd do again ), so I'll totally share my experiences with my kids. Doesn't mean they'll listen and learn from my experiences, but at least they'll know that I'm being honest with them so that hopefully they can be honest with me. Hopefully keeps the communication open. Make sense?

siblingtoolivia replied: I know I always took advice better and more serious from someone who had been there than from someone who was just preaching because they knew it was the right thing to say....of course everyone knows you should'nt use drugs or drink to excess or have unprotected sex (at certain times in your life) but I know that advice always hit home harder from someone that could really tell me WHY you shouldn't do those things and can tell me first hand what the consequences really are and how they can affect your life.

ITA with Monica but I think she is pretty smart anyway so it doesn't surprise me she would have reasoned this out!

luvmykids replied:
Who, me? TY, that was very nice of you to say!

jcc64 replied: Well, I lived a very colorful life in pre-parenting days- did mountains of hallucinogenic drugs as I followed the Grateful Dead around the country in bare feet. The thing is- I don't see it as a mistake at all- I don't regret 1 minute of it, and if I got the opportunity to rewind my life, I'd do it all over again exactly the same way. If I could figure out a way to share with my kids the undefinable thing that allowed me to have as much fun as is humanly possible without going too far or jeopardizing my life or my future- I'd do it. Maybe it was good parenting on my parents' part, maybe it was good self esteem on my part- I've been over it again and again in my own head a million times now that I'm the parent, and I'm not sure of the answer, tbh. I don't know what kept me from ever going too far.
So, to answer your question, I'm not sure what I should or will share with my kids until I figure out this one essential part of the equation. They certainly are aware that we are hardly conservative in our lifestyle- and if they asked, I'd probably share some watered down version of my past- but I don't feel obligated to share all of the details.

Boo&BugsMom replied:
I couldn't agree more! I think it's just common sense, in my opinion, although common sense isn't all that common sometimes.

About the being disowned part, my dad threatend it, but I knew he never would now that I look back at it, but it did keep me from doing some pretty bad stuff at the time. So, I guess for me, it worked by threatening it, but I would never threaten it to my own kids. I don't think I have the heart to even say the words. Tough love, definitly, but not disown.

Jeffs Wife replied: I couldn't agree more. I had my first child at the age of 17. I by no means want any of my children to have a baby when they are still a child themselves.
My youngest boys' dad has had a drug problem for years now. We lived a life of hell when we were together. I do not want my chidren to be drug users.
I think it is our job as parents to teach our children from the mistakes we made. They might not listen to us, but we need to try