I really don't mean to keep complaining - BUT...... (sorry, kinda long)

Bee_Kay wrote: I just don't know about my SD anymore. Just when I think she has seen a glimpse of the light.... something happens that just deflates it.

On Wednesday evening, I got the phonecall from my best friend that her daughter was going to have a baby. So, I talk to DH and I decide that me and the kids would go there (it's about an hour away). DH didn't because he had to work.

SD was over at the time, so I tell her that she is welcome to go with also. She agrees and decides to go with. We get ready and she asks to stop at McDonalds to tell her BF that she is going with me. While she is in there, I go to the ATM to grab some cash. Then I walk in and her BF walks away from me. SD asks if he could go with too. I ask her 'Doesn't he have to work tomorrow?", she says "yes". So, I simply say, "well, I'm not sure when I am coming back home, plus you'll have to call them (our friends) and ask if it's ok if he stays down there also (if they have the room, ect". (BF only met them once last summer and they didn't really care for him).

So, she tells him that and he grabbed his stuff and left SD gets into my car and we drive to BF house so she can get her stuff. We got there just as BF was walking in the door. About 5 minutes later, he comes walking outside right towards my car, and I'm thinking he is coming to ask me something.... he GLARES right at me and walks by!!!

SD comes out and I ask her WTH his problem is... she says that he was upset because the welfare office didn't call them back (they called and wanted assistance for their rent..... they had more than enough money, he just didn't want to spend that much on rent )

So, we leave and SD is pretty quiet down there.... she was OBVIOUSLY distant from everyone (people she has known her whole life).

The next day, my friends daughter goes into the hospital. Her labor went VERY slow at first.... so, SD tells me that she wants to go home because she has to pack some more stuff because they were signing their lease the next afternoon.

I COULDN"T BELIEVE IT. Heather was right in middle of labor and my SD wanted to leave. So, I talk to my best friend and she tells me "Heather's labor is going pretty slow, just bring Lacy back.... she is being moody anyways, and I'd rather her not be here anyways knowing she doesn't want to be here".

So, I bring her back and on the way, I tell her that her and her BF better learn to treat people better. I thought it was pretty crappy for her to leave like that and if she keeps it up she is going to learn what 'what comes around, goes around' means, ect.

I go back and 10 minutes later, Heather had her baby girl (I JUST made it).

I call DH the next day and he tells me that SD and her BF stopped over to grab all the stuff that I had bought for her for her first apartment.
I was kinda surprised that BF would treat me like s**t one day and then be more than happy to come get stuff that I bought the very next day!!!

Maybe I am just over-sensitive about it.... who knows. Sorry, just wanted to vent.

holley79 replied:

I sure hope that gets better. She is going to want people in there with her when she has her baby. I'm sure she would be upset if people asked to leave her side.

Sounds like BF still has a lot of growing up to do.

Bee_Kay replied: Well, it get really hard too. I see my best friend and her daughter.... they are so close. My friend has been a part of her daughter WHOLE pregnancy. Every doctor visit, shopping together for baby items, she was with her throughout the whole labor and delivery, ect.

I see that and it makes me so sad because I am trying so d*mn hard with my SD to be a part of this and she just deflates the moments when I do find happiness with her during this pregnancy.

I thought going to our friends house would have been a wonderful experience. My SD is pregnant and so was my best friends daughter..... I thought it would have been a special time for us moms.

When I try and do something nice.... or try and get close with her, somehow her BF comes into it, either directly or indirectly .... not that he is purposely excluded.... but WTF is wrong with me wanting some "mom/daughter" time with her??????

And I told you all how my SD asked me to be in the delivery room with her.... over the past few weeks, I've been told by friends and family "Don't count on BF allowing you to see the baby!!" WTF???
I ask why... and they have told me.... basically "You have been a threat to him this whole time with your SD, that "threat" with only be double when that baby comes."!!

OMG what is we aren't allowed to see the baby???

Bee_Kay replied: Her due date is now only 46 days away!

JP&KJMOM replied: Barb I don't even know what to say. Sounds to me like she is all about doing the right thing and wanting to spend time with you and the rest of the family UNTIL he gets involved.
As we have talked about before he sounds rather controlling and not just what she does but controlling as in if he is in a bad mood she gets upset and ends up in one too. But he is also gonna put on a good show to get things (the new stuff you bought them for the apt.) that he wants. He makes me very learly of his true intentions from what you have told us.
I wish I had some sort of wonderful advice to give you but I don't. I don't even know how I would deal with it if I was in your situation. Just know that We are here for you to vent to.

Bee_Kay replied: I don't know if I posted about this or not, but a few weeks ago, we all went down to my moms for a night (sd went with us).

SD told my mom how she was waiting to get an apartment. So, my mom tells her that she will give her 2 lamps, 2 end tables, coffee pot, toaster and a microwave. My SD was SO happy!
My mom tells her "Come down next weekend with your mom and you can pick them up". SD agrees.

Well, the day that we were going back down there I call SD to ask her if she was ready. She says "I'm not gonna go" I ask "why not?" She says "I don't feel like it plus I have to pack", so I tell her "You have to pack? you don't even know if you have an apartment yet? What about all that stuff you told my mom you wanted from her that she plans on bringing for you????"

SD says "Tell her I don't want it!"

My mom was so hurt..... and kinda mad.

Seriously guys..... after all these months of me describing her behavior, can you give me any possibilities of what her problem is??

Jackie012007 replied: I can tell you one thing, it's DEFINITELY the BF. I went through a relationship with a very controlling (and eventually, abusive) jerk about 4 years ago, right before I met DF. They control EVERYTHING... yes, even your moods. You ARE a threat to him because you threaten the control he has over her, and unfortunately, having a baby only makes it worse . The best thing you can do right now is keep reaching out to her... my parents had a hard time understanding what was going on with me and the jerk, but one thing my mom did was keep on me and keep reaching out... eventually I broke down and asked for her help. That is all you can really do is be there... I know it's hard to put yourself out there and not get anything in return, but trust me, someday she will get down and kiss your feet for being their for her... I hope she soon realizes what she is in for if she decides to share her life with him. Being controlled in a relationship is not fun and all it does is break down after you finally get sick of not being able to do ANYTHING yourself

I don't want to scare you, but pay close attention to your SD for any signs of a abuse... with me it started out controlling and after I started defending myself, I was getting beat on. It doesn't ALWAYS happen but the more alert you can be to the situation, the better off everyone is... good luck and if you ever wanna chat feel free to Contact me!!!

Cece00 replied: Your stepdaughter & her little boyfriend need a reality check. Personally, I'd stop doing things for them, and I'd encourage others not to do for them (give them stuff, etc) b/c they seem to be acting like ungrateful brats. I'd have a harsh little talk with her BF.

redchief replied: I see the relationship between the boyfriend and you to be the common denominator. Your stepdaughter loves this punk... err... I mean man. Unfortunately you can't fight that. I don't know if you can find some common ground with him or not, especially if he feels threatened by you. Maybe if you knew why he felt that way you could see a way through it.

Good luck.

Bee_Kay replied: Ed,
If her behavior was directed at me only, I would completely agree with you.... but, she has ZERO contact with ANY of her family members. Nobody. Her only contact is with HIS family and HIS friends.

akbutterfly83 replied: I really don't know what to say....

But I am sorry that is all happening too you.... I hope she wakes up and he grows up... and everything get's better....

Bee_Kay replied: Thank you

TheOaf66 replied:
I agree, it is the guy making her act like this

gr33n3y3z replied: I hope things work out for you
Its so sad how your sd and you are being treated by him
she will see the light some day just be there for her thats all you can do
as for you seeing the baby when he is at work go and visit

Bee_Kay replied: Yesterday, SD and her BF stopped over to pick up a bunch of baby items that I had been storing for them. Their behavior was great.
There was just too much stuff for it to all fit into the minivan they borrowed from his aunt, so I told them that we could load it into DH truck and I'd help them out (their apartment is about 1 block away only).

Ashley wanted to go uptown to the 4th of July activities so I asked BF to give her a ride and SD and I would get a start on it.

After he showed up, we were talking about the fireworks. I asked them if they would like to all go together and they said "yeah, that'd be fun". So I'm like "OK, let's take your car....... what time?". They say "We want to be up there by 9:00, so a little before then".

I thought that was great... doing something together as a family!

Tyler had plans already with his friend and DH had to work last night.

So, Ashley and I get ready and wait..... and wait..... and wait. At 8:55 last night, I see BF drive right by our house!!!! (his father gave him a beater car 2 days ago)

Ashley and I decide that it would just be the two of us and so we leave. After we got up there, I tried calling them (SD & BF) a few times and they wouldn't answer their cellphone!!!

I am so tired of this everyone. I know some of you have told me to "keep reaching out", but it not only hurts my feelings.... it is embarrasing. The feeling I had last night when I realized that not only weren't they gonna show up...... they didn't have the decency to call.

And I felt like a complete idiot sitting there waiting.

But, Ashley and I had a wonderful time together. My sister and BIL found us and we all sat together.

Bee_Kay replied:
Thank you Lisa. It is so hard, the baby could be here in about a month (2 weeks before her due date). I have such mixed emotions about it all. I feel like I am on an emotional rollercoaster.

redchief replied: I don't know what to tell you Barb except you've no reason to feel embarrassed. I don't know what to tell you to do about this, since it's certain to happen again, but this is certainly not of your doing.

Bee_Kay replied: Thank you. I know I have no reason to be embarrassed..... it's just a feeling KWIM?

As we were waiting, Ashley was giving me such sad looks. I think she knew what I was feeling.

She sees me get hurt and somehow she turns into the protective one. She gets so angry.
Last night, her words were "Mom! I don't know why you do anything for her. She is so ungrateful and she just keeps hurting you. Don't call her, don't visit her! Don't lift ONE FINGER for her! Let her know what life is like without you!!".

Embarrassed is maybe not the right word.... it's somewhat humiliating I guess.

All of my friends tell me that she will continue on with how she treats us. ..... only in a couple months she will have a baby to use as "ammunition". does that make sense???

Jackie012007 replied: you poor thing! is Ashley the 15 year old? Gosh, what insight! SD using the baby as ammo makes COMPLETE sense... this is such a screwey situation, it seems that there really is no right way to do things. I'm sorry you are hurting, but redchief (ed?) is right... it isn't your doing! You are doing all that you can to be a good mama... and I think maybe I was wrong, it isn't just him manipulating her, I think she has a hand in your treatment as well.... hang in there, who knows, maybe once the baby arrives, they will both grow up!

gr33n3y3z replied:
sadly but true
I just hope they dont stoop that low to do that to you
bc if they do they would hit the all time low and then you will have a lot of thinking to do.

Bee_Kay replied: Yep, Ashley is my 15 year old. She is a wonderful young lady.... a few bumps along the way, but overall I really couldn't be more proud of her.

I am seriously considering taking my daughters advice.

Bee_Kay replied:
Based on their behavior over the past 6 months, I can easily see them stooping that low with the baby. It is sad to admit that, but I really can't honestly say something like "there is no way they would use that baby against us", because I believe they can/will.