I need some words of wisdom - about Alexis & bonding

Bee_Kay wrote: As I mentioned before, Lacy is here with Alexis quite a bit... well, everyday actually.

I have noticed a few things (and keep in mind, that I realize that every mother is different), that makes me go "hmmm".

First, about he bonding thing. My DH has noticed that Lexi settles down and is much more content when it is me that is holding her when he is upset. Lacy's BF doesn't really make an effort to hold her or comfort her much at all.

Also, I have watched her quite often (one time was overnight) when they want to catch up on sleep or need do go shopping or do laundry (I don't mind this at all, I am absolutely in love with that little girl).

Another thing, Lexi is only 3 weeks old now and yesterday Lacy went out and got applications to get a job. I asked her "you're ready for a job already?" and she said yes. Inside I was thinking "wow, that's awfully soon", but I didn't say anything.

So, now my question. Is it possible that Lexi is bonding with me more than she should be?? If so, is it a bad thing?
I was talking to my best friend yesterday and her reply was "If Bill and Lacy aren't putting enough effort into bonding with her, at least she (lexi) is bonding with someone (me) that is just crazy about her".

Can you all share your feelings and/or opinions (or give advice) concerning this?

mckayleesmom replied: Well...I agree with you, I think that the baby definantly needs some more parental bonding time with her parents. She is lucky to have you and such a great bond, but what happens if they pull their crap again and their childish ways. That baby is the first thing they are going to hold from you and your dh and then the baby won't feel that bond...kwim?

mckayleesmom replied: Just wanted to add....Its great that she wants to get a job...Im not saying that..I know they need the money, but they need a comfort level with their baby first.

kit_kats_mom replied: I would go to askdrsears.com. He's extremely pro bonding so it's surely skewed that way, but at least it will help fill you in on the bonding needs that she has.

Bee_Kay replied: I forgot to add something.

My DH and I did sit down with Lacy and discuss this (that Lexi might form an incredible strong bond with me). So, it's not like she isn't informed about that possiblity.

Also, about them pulling the crap they did before and possibly holding the baby from us......

That is another concern of ours to which we don't have a solution...... we don't feel it's fair to Lexi if we "hold ourselves back" from loving her because she isn't the one that did anything wrong..... but Brianne, you do make a very legitmate point.

I really don't know. Lexi doesn't deserve for us to not love her all we can.... on the other hand, you're right..... she doesn't deserve to have herself ripped away from us.

I don't know what to think about that.

mckayleesmom replied: I didn't mean hold yourself back.......Sorry if it came off that way. That makes me sound horrible huh?...

Im just saying that maybe mommy and daughter really need to work on that....just in case.....Which Im hoping it doesn't happen, but Lacy really needs to work on that with Alexis.

J-rod replied: my 1/2 sister has a couple kids...and my mom watches them all the time....from baby to know (over 1 yr youngest) and he sometimes calls my mom his mom, and when sister shows up he tells her by and throws a fit to leave...


something to think about

i dont like my sister anyways....in fact i pretty much hate her. so maybe im a little biased.

Bee_Kay replied:
No it doesn't

cameragirl21 replied:
that actually made me chuckle out loud! I'm sure it comes as no surprise to anyone that I love it when people say what's on their minds instead of dancing around the subject.
I'm an only child but I've always longed for siblings. But then people who have them say that I imagine the best case scenario and don't consider the possible bad side. I hear this most often from the nurse at my asthma doctor's who has an older brother who's an alcoholic who's always getting into trouble and then turning to her to bail him out.
So, if you don't mind my asking, why don't you get along with your sister?

Bee_Kay replied:
I couldn't find anything there about a baby bonding strongly with a grandparent.

Crystalina replied: This happens. My mother is closer to my sisters children (well child now) then my sister is with them. This is my sister who just lost her daughter (Olivia ). Beckie (my sis) is not maternal and she will be the first to admit this. She had Lilly and then got pg with Olivia and was smart enought to get "fixed" so she would not have anymore. She is in her early 20's and kids have never slowed her down. When she is with Lilly she is great with her but she is more like a friend then mom. She would argue but it is true. My mother has Lilly all the time (except when Beckie gets mad about someting and packs her up and leaves to go God knows where. ). I would say bond with her all you can.

jem0622 replied: Babies naturally bond with their mother's first. They are used to your voice, your smell, and...if you are nursing...then you are their source of the next meal. Or, if you regularly bottlefeed then they know this just the same.

Babies are also very adept at knowing when someone is tense and they feed off of that. Your body, posture, tone of voice, etc. is all affected by your mood. If you are not in good spirits, are frustrated, or otherwise...then they will pick up on all of that and the result could be crying, fidgety behavior, etc.

I can assure you that my kids all preferred me first. Then there was a progression where they preferred DH. At certain times of the day, Mommy is the only cure for any of them!



Also, it takes time for us to bond/love our babies. There is a misconception that we are automatically joyful/happy with this new addition, but it does take time and it is perfectly normal!

ETA: This really does apply to any female/male caregiver. I am sorry that I jumped the gun and didn't do my homework! Back to the corner for me!

CantWait replied: I think you need to bond with Lexi as much as you can, even if you think it's to much. I obviously don't know whether or not Mom and baby are bonding, or what's going through her head, but regardless, that baby is going to grow up and you might be the one that she looks up to. As long as you say your grandma or nana, whatever you are, and not mom, then she'll know who you are.

It sounds to me as if Lacy not as ready to have this baby as she thought she was.
If she was she would be more concerned with staying home with baby and creating that bond.

Either bf is not ready to play dad, or maybe he's just scared to hold her. Baby's that young are wobbly and uncontrollable and a lot of people feel comfortable until they are a bit older holding them.

Bee_Kay replied: In order for me to completely be understood, I have to also be completely honest with you all..... So, I'll add a bit more.

One morning Lacy brought Lexi over at about 10:30 and asked that I watch her for awhile. That was fine with me.

The next morning, Lacy showed up at 7:30 in the morning, which surprised me. She looked frazzled and haggard. I asked what was going on.

Her reply "I don't know what to do. I just can't do this, I need a break. I am so frustrated that I feel I want to just throw her through the window".

I don't believe Lacy would actually do something that drastic, but I understand that sometimes people just snap. I'd rather have Lexi here, knowing she is getting the best care.... instead of being (on some level) neglected. KWIM?

CantWait replied: Sounds like she is going through some major PPD or even worse PPP which can be very dangerous if untreated. I believe you when you say that she would do something so drastic, but no one really know when one feels helpless, alone, and scared. I'd advise her to seek medical advice, offer to go with her, and if you can do it, offer to take whenever she needs a break.

Crystalina replied:
First of all it's really very early for her to be looking for work. If the baby is only 3 weeks old that means she hasn't even had her six week check up. Maybe she is trying to do too much too fast. That can cause her to spiral into a depression where the thoughts of "throwing her through a window" will come from. I think that is normal for a new mother. She does need to get some help though. Not "professional" help because I'm sure it was emotion talking but maybe her doc can check her for depression. I was severly depressed when I had Izabella. I had a baby all of a sudden and quit my job and started staying home with a little person that expected ME to take care of her. Mine only lasted for about the first 3-4 days after being left alone with her. She grew on me pretty darn quick.

Has she tried to do it by herself? Maybe she needs to know that she and not Grandma is that babys sole source for everything right now. I'm not saying you should back off (not saying that at all ) just that maybe it shouldn't be so easy for her to drop off the baby and go.

::ETA::
I would make sure she does not have depression before she is left with the baby. That would need to be taken care of first. She can't bond with her child if she hasn't first taken care of herself.

luvmykids replied: I am sure Lacy needs to talk to someone, some of it may just be her age but I think she's a candidate for PPD.

As far as the bonding, Lexi is probably a lot calmer with you because YOU are so calm, I imagine Lacy is probably a little nervous/frustrated when she cries and Lexi probably picks up on it. I'd say just keep doing what you're doing though, I don't think you're at all jeopardizing her ability to bond with Lacy.

luvbug00 replied: Barb Mya is VERY attached to her nana. Heck she calls her "ma" all the time. She cried and thew fits to leave when mil watched her and still does somtimes. She constantly asks to move in there ( like all of us). I don't know how lacy feels but I'm perfectly ok with it. Mya and I have a very strong bond but I'm glad she has just as strong one with somone else. i know if God forbid somthing happends to me she has another person which she has a stong connection and can feel great comfort. that's just me though.

Bee_Kay replied:
I've done alot of thinking about this throughout the day and I decided that I am just going to continue doing what I am doing, with the exception of one thing. I've decided that when Lacy is here with Lexi, that I will hand over more reponsibilities to Lacy concerning the baby's care (where before, Lacy depended on me to be the primary caregiver while she was here).

I also talked to Lacy about PPD. She says she doesn't feel that way and doesn't feel she needs to talk to anyone. So, I reassured her that I am here to help her with the baby and whenever she may feel overwhelmed, Lexi is welcome here anytime.

Thank you all for your advice