I need HELP up in here!

PrairieMom wrote: Ok, so, This is a relationship / x boyfriend issue, and I just don't really know how to handle it.

So, here is a tiny bit of background... I dated this guy, back when I was 15, so ,like, 20 years ago. We only dated for a few months. Our lives were drastically different, he was a HS dropout, I was destined for college, that type thing. I don't remember why / how he broke up with me, but he is one of those guys that I think back about, you know, how are they, where are they type stuff.

So, a month or so ago we found each other on FB. I don't remember who found who. (this is Chad, if any of you want to go research... )
Anyway, we have been commenting back and forth on status updates and what not.
So, in the past few days I have been starting to feel like his comments are getting a bit flirty.
I mentioned to DH about how this guy seems to be commenting on just about everything I have to say.

well, this morning I get this PM from this guy...




Ya know,its nice that were starting of kind a talking back and forth with each other.I kind of miss that.and ya it is strange on how things stick with ya.and trust me it still does..I still feel guilty on how I left things between us.if I could go back and do it all over again I would do a lot of things different...I just hate how I left it knowing you were my truely first love and I ended it foolishly and I regreat it every day.










Ieeeeeeee.....

Ok, so what the heck do I do NOW? I don't want to hurt him, I don't want to lead him on. I don't want to hurt DH, obviously, as soon as DH gets home from work I will be showing him the note.

So, I gotta write this guy back. What do I say? I don't want to unfriend him, I kind of enjoy having him on FB to see what he is up to.

PrairieMom replied: Also, no Duh, but please don't mention on FB for obvious reasons...

mom21kid2dogs replied: I don't think I'd feel a bit bad giving him an honest reply of thanks, but no thanks.

MommyToAshley replied: My personal opinion is that I think you have to take your husband's feelings into consideration over this guy. Think how you would feel if your husband were getting this kind of attention from an X, and you probably have your answer. Facebook is great for finding old friends, but I also think things can start out innnocent and evolve, even if it is just bringing back old feelings. I know that you would never do anything to hurt your family or your husband (so don't take that wrong).

luvbug00 replied: LOL you know we are gonna look!! I so looked..trust me hun DH was a major upgrade.

anyhoo just say

Chad it's been great seeing and talking to everyone. How we have all grown up and really come into our own. We were just children back then and so mistakes are easily forgiven and forgotten. It's really great to see what you have accomplished. I have been so blessed with an amazing family and husband. Maybe one day all us high schoolers can get together again just for some fun. But if not it's great to be connected on here.




that's it.

amymom replied: I agree Husband first and Nadya put it very well. I'd quote her! lol

luvbug00 replied: Almost forgot. the key is to be general and indirectly address what he said.
avoid getting detailed and personal.
There are reasons you guys are ex's and I think it's more him trying to feel better about his mess ups rather then reconnect with you on an intimate level. who knows maybe he's in AA.
at any rate that's just my opinon

MommyToAshley replied: P.S. I had to go peek too.

boyohboyohboy replied: My honest opinion, while you have done nothing wrong so far, it could only really lead to trouble.
This guy is crossing the boundaries with a married woman. There is no way any of this will make your DH feel good.
I do not in anyway think you are the type of person to do anything inappropriate.
We all like the idea of a boy who scorned us, wanting us back, seeing us living good lives.
Ect.
At a minimum I feel you would have to at least set very strict rules about your interactions.

Your DH is a very lucky man to have a wife who cares for her family the way you do.

PrairieMom replied: yeah.... remember it was 20 years ago. But yeeeaaaaaaah, DH is a HUGE upgrade over any other guy I ever dated.

I am obviously very concerned about DH in this. he is definitely my #1. I am going to sit him down, full disclosure, and let him know what happened. I don't want him stumbling on this. I would be super worried about it if the tables were turned.

I have been drafting a letter in my head all morning. Maybe I should talk to DH before I write it...

punkeemunkee'smom replied: I completely agree with DeeDee and I like Nadya's reply but I think you need to unfriend him. Even if you tell him you are happy and have no regrets leaving him on your page is going to send an open message Getting attention from another man besides your husband especially when it's now an open flirtation can't ever be a good thing in the long run!

luvbug00 replied: I don't think an open message would be good.
He is married as well (which i didnt notice before) No need to start major drama with all that.
Not every spouse is as committed as Tara and Joe. This man is obviously not if he is saying these thing with a wife at home.
arugh brad moment

ediep replied: something like this happened to me- not with FB, but I got a letter from an ex saying pretty much the same thing-- hated the way things ended, wished he could go back-

I wrote to him and just said basically- thanks but no thanks--- things happen for a reason and I'm really happy now so ---- don't worry anymore


good luck Tara

PrairieMom replied:
yeah, I would definitely Do it through a PM.

Crystalina replied: What Mya said, although I would have to disagree on telling the hubbs and ONLY because it may make him feel threatened (if only slightly). I have had this happen and I took care of it without letting him know and he was none the wiser AND got my point across. I didn't look at it as misleading the hubbs or being sneaky, I looked at it like this is something I can handle and I didn't want hubbs to worry about every guy he didn't know who he saw me chatting it up with. NOW, if it wouldn't have stopped I would totally have let the hubbs know. There have been times when guys I went to school with will comment on some of my photos and I always tell hubbs to comment on them also so that these guys know he is there but that was only on one photo where two guys were getting stupid but that is their personality and I know it was them being "them" and dh knew but dh's family, my family, our friends (ect) may not have known so I had hubbs make his own comment which shut them up. Something like that I will bring him into but I say do what you want. You know your hubby but I do like Mya's answer. You can be general and yet let him know you are happy and you wouldn't change a thing because the past is the past.

Good luck and keep us posted...and you KNOW I'm off to check this dude out!

Calimama replied:
Love this!!

Maddie&EthansMom replied: This is where FB gets tricky.

I actually have experience with this---twice!

I agree with Abbie--tell DH--write this guy a short note--and then delete him. Who cares if his feelings are hurt? You certainly don't need his attention, but I sense he's vying for yours.

stella6979 replied:
I just know if it was my Husband chatting with an ex, I wouldn't like it. I wouldn't like the reminiscing, I wouldn't like the flirty comments and if that sounds childish than oh well. Your Husband is #1 and I would never want to disrespect him or have him questioning what's going on....even if it is just on facebook.

msoulz replied:
That sounds very good. Nice but to the point.

And removing one's maiden name is a great way to not have past lives revisit. Just a thought.

coasterqueen replied: To me it doesn't sound like he's meaning anything terrible by it. I've told old HS flames I regret how things happened, especially since I felt terrible how I treated them. It was nice to finally get the "sorry" out, ya know. Doesn't mean I meant anything else further by it. With that said I like what Nayda said and would do that. As far as doing anything more drastic than that, I dunno that I would.

~Roo'sMama~ replied: I haven't gone to look at the comments, but from his message it doesn't necessarily seem like he's wishing you'd never broken up or wanting to start something back up, he just feels bad about how he ended it. He might be feeling nostalgic and thinking back to when things were simpler, yada yada. I think I'd reply back and say you appreciate the apology, and you've forgiven him, and then go on to say something about how much you love your dh and kids or a little hint about how you're both married now and life goes on.

If after that he keeps being too flirty, and definitely if he keeps pm'ing you I'd just tell him you're not comfortable going down that road, you wish him well and it's been nice reconnecting but you don't want that kind of attention from anyone but your husband, and then unfriend him. Nothing is worth even possibly coming between you and your dh!

mckayleesmom replied: I liked Nadyas letter....


I also agree with Karen....sometimes you just have to get an apology out there. I don't think his letter sounded out of line to me.

I would definantly tell your husband and see what he thinks. My husband wouldn't bat an eyelash because he knows I love him and he would probably take it as a compliment and refer to my ex as a tool or something.


Don't delete him till I peek.

my2monkeyboys replied: I would say something along the lines of what Nadya and Sara suggested. I wouldn't delete him unless he kept flirting. If he doesn't go back to just being a friend, I would let DH know and delete him. I don't think you have to tell DH unless you just want to, as I sense he may also be just apologizing for something stupid he did and feels badly about.
I know that recently an old friend of mine lost a bit of weight. I remarked on how nice he was looking, keep up the good work, that kind of thing. DH got a little jealous! LOL Now this old friend used to spend the weekend at my house once every couple of months for probably 2 years. We went to my senior prom together, and we did kiss once and realized that was not for us. So we've never had a romantic relationship, but it still got Ron's feathers ruffled a little (which was kind of cute, as he NEVER gets jealous! LOL).
Anyway, I wouldn't make it out to be too big of a deal yet, just let him know you are happy in life, wish him well in his and then see how responds and react accordingly.

PrairieMom replied: OK, so here is what I ended up saying...




That was like, a million years ago! We were both crazy kids. I don't have any regrets. Don't feel guilty. I seriously wouldn't change a thing. Everything that happened in the past put me on the path that leads to where I am now, I have a beautiful family, a wonderful husband, and I am very happy.

I'm glad we connected again through FB too. I have enjoyed visiting with you, and seeing pics of you and your family!










So, generic, light, and clear. Yeah?

He has been floating around waiting for my answer. I can see him checking in and out of FB on the Instant message thing.

lesliesmom replied: I think that's great, Tara. I actually had something similar this past weekend. DH and the kids were all out - sleepovers and guys weekends and I was on my own. Out of the blue and ex-bf I've been in contact on FB sends me a message saying 3 of the old group (all guys) were getting together and did I want to join? I just politely said no (even though I would've loved to have seen them all again - we were pretty close). So, I said similar to what you did... everything that happened in the past put on the path to where I am today and I wouldn't change that for anything... Best of luck and keep us posted.

coasterqueen replied: I think it sounds good, too. I went to your page to see who this guy was and to me it just seemed like you BOTH were conversing back and forth about old times, no one really flirting more than another. Going in and out of facebook messaging? Is he at work? Unless I fix mine, mine pops off and on, too at work, not sure why. It sounds like YOU are worried about this, though, so IMO I'd just delete him and not stress so much about it. Seems rather pointless to stress about someone in your past.

punkeemunkee'smom replied:
No I meant open as in open to it....not open as in on your/his wall!

PrairieMom replied:
Do you think I was leading him on ?

luvbug00 replied: Dash it all, now I need to look again. LOL!

coasterqueen replied:
I think I can't answer that because I can only read what I see, I don't now either one of you IRL to say that. I think you were reminiscing as much as him and if he was flirting then I would have to say you were and again that's from only what I read. I think it's possible he could see it that way. I'm not sure any of it really matters, though, if you are uncomfortable with how he is replying, messaging you, etc, just de-friend him as easily as you friended him.

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
I agree.

I read some of the stuff and I think it was friendly banter--but if this is bothering you--I would just unfriend him.

Out of the 2 ex-boyfriends that have contacted me via FB--there was one that I hated to delete and one that I didn't even bat an eye at.

There's something that brought you together to begin with--it doesn't matter what the person looks like or what he does with his life. We all like attention and are attracted to certain people for certain reasons. I would just err on the side of caution here.

But! I think what you told him was GREAT!!

PrairieMom replied:
Aww man!

Crystalina replied: Tara, I do not see flirting BUT so what if there were. IMO, if you are secure in your marriage and you let him know you are happy (as you have now) then there may still be flirting. You two have history together and you are both of opposite sex. Do we not ALL have someone in our lives (past or present) that we may flirt with just a little and when I say flirt I do not mean sexual advances or either party is trying to lead the relationship anywhere but where it is which is friendly.
With that said though, flirting (innocently) with one another on EVERY SINGLE occasion there is is something different. Does that make sense? It does in my head. lol

Dh's friends flirt with me, he knows it but he also knows I wouldn't even CONSIDER that and he also knows of a friend of mine, we both flirt back and forth, and he is fine with it also because he knows it's not all the time, we don't call or txt each other and we only "talk" on FB and not on chat because I never open my chat but just on posts.
I think you have to know yourself, the person and your spouse but I also think flirting is a natural thing.

I hope that all came out right!

ediep replied: Tara, I think your response is perfect! I also don't think that you need to unfriend him unless he makes you uncomfortable anymore.... your answer may be enough for him to lay off

~Roo'sMama~ replied: I think your response was great. Don't stress about it now, just wait and see how he responds or if he does and go from there.

PrairieMom replied: you guys want to see his response?

Calimama replied:
Duh! You ask like you don't know us...

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
Ummmm...YES!!

PrairieMom replied: Here you go....




I was not a crazy kid.we were aduilts..lol.and yes you do have a beautiful family and the kids look like there mother.and I am also happy for you too.I'm happy with what I got as well.you said don't feel guilty,well there is one thing that does bother me and that's the way I ended it with us.I should have been more of a man about it then the way I treated you.I should have never ingored you on that day when you were sitting on that green thing in my front yard when you came over after you got out of school.I treated you like shit and to be honest it stuck with me all these years.I just wish I could have done that day over.that's really the only thing I feel guilty about.other then that you were the best thing that ever happend to me at that time and I ended it foolishly for no reason at all.....but I'm glad your happy now and I'm happy for you..just as much as your probly happy for me...I have one more question for ya,do you think it would be possable that some day we could do lunch or something,maybe talk about old times and the present.bring your hubby and kids if you like that's would be cool.otherwise if not ill be happy with that too.












I think I am not going to reply, and just leave it as it is.

FWIW, I showed DH, and he is cool, I have the best DH.

boyohboyohboy replied: I think FB has been instrumental in supporting this exact interaction for many of us.

Good for you in handling it just right!
I bet you hear from him again even if you don't respond to the lunch question.

lisar replied: I agree with telling DH, however you could always reply with something like "Ya back in the day I always thought about it, thanks for the concern, we have grown up alot since those days, I am HAPPLIY married with 3 great kids" and leave it at that. Thats what I would do.

Sorry if someone else already mentioned this I didnt read all the replies.

Crystalina replied: obviously bring dh if you do the lunch thing. That goes without question I think. It seems he wants to be friends. My ex fiance was a very good friend after we split to myself and dh as well. They ended up being great friends, I'm not saying this is where this will go for you. My ex and I grew up together and had always been in touch so there was never any separation of time.
Not sure I'd answer either but that's your call of course. I wouldn't dish out your number to him because he may try txting and that's NEVER good.

youngmomofone replied:
This. I dont see anything he has said to be flirty or over the line...........

mckayleesmom replied: I think he is just getting some stuff that might have bothered him for years. My little brother recently asked me if I had seen his ex girlfriend online. I hadn't, and he had a new girlfriend he was happy with. He confided in me that he always felt terrible for the way he treated her and would like to apologize. He really did treat her bad. This girl practically walked around worshipping him and he treated her awful and took her for granted. One time he even left her at our house while he went to a friends without telling her he was leaving. I talked her into going clubbing with me because I was ashamed that he did that and could tell that she felt akward and she was stranded without a ride home.

If you look on my facebook her name is Erica and she has been commenting alot on my posts lately..along with my brother.....I just found her about a week ago and she added my brother to her list. There is nothing between them anymore that I can tell...she has a fiancee and 3 or 4 kids and my brother has a girlfriend and no kids.

Just the other day my brother was telling me his girlfriend could get me and my kids into disneyland for free and he even invited her family if she was ever in California....

I really don't think this guy is trying to flirt a draw a wedge...maybe just make ammends and maybe he feels he needs to prove to you that hes not the bad guy he once was.