I hope you don't mind me venting

coasterqueen wrote: I just have to get this off my chest. I've gotten to know and feel pretty close to a woman on another support site and her DH got an offer to go overseas to do work with regards to the war going on. He's not in the service, so it's not to do with that. But anyways, if he would go he will make so much money from this they will never have to worry about money again and she will never have to work again, either. But the kicker is he will be gone for a year and they may get to go see him once or twice during this time. Their DD is I think 6 or 7 months. He accepted the contract and is on his way overseas.

Okay, maybe it's me but this makes me kinda angry. How can someone leave their child for an entire year? Especially in these young years? Now I don't want to offend anyone because I know if he was in the service, that would be a different story, but to go over there because of money?????? I'm lost. This woman thinks it's great he's doing this because of the money and that he is making this huge sacrafice for their family. Well, I just don't see how someone could do this.

My DH got offered to go over to Iraq this year being gone from us at least a year if not longer, not sure when he'd be able to come home and we'd never have to every worry about money either. But he didn't want to do it and I didn't want him too either. I want him here with our daughter so he can see he grow up with his own two eyes, not by looking at pictures and video. I'm not sorry at all that we passed up this opportunity because there is not enough cash in the world that could ever make me change my mind.

Plus, the safety overseas right now is uncertain for us. I would be afraid the next time I saw Dh he would be in a wooden box. I can't believe this doesn't worry this woman?

I'm sorry if I offended anyone, but I am just so angry right now. I just feel like I can't even comfort her now because I can't believe she would want him to do this for money. I like money just as much as the next person, but not that much. No way! Now like I said if her DH was going overseas for the service, that's a different story. He'd be serving our country which woudld be what he signed up to do. This is totally different.

Sorry, but I just had to vent.

Edit: Oops, I hope she isn't a "guest" on this board

Kaitlin'smom replied: well your not off, unless I or DH was in the service there would be no amout of money they could pay me to be away from my child that long! I could not do it, heck I have people wanting her for the night or weekend and for me right now NO WAY, maybe when she is older but not know for get it I love watching her, getting up with her ect. In fact last ngiht after ER (so sad) I snuck into her room and watched her sleep for a while.

just my opinion!

Kirstenmumof3 replied: I can sympathise with you! I don't know if I would want my DH to be gone for so long! I am currently in one of these kind of delimas myself! My Psychologist has recommended a therapy program to me. It's 12 weeks and it is in Southern Ontario. I would have to commit to the program and live out of town for 12 weeks. He thinks it would greatly benefit me, but I'm just not sure if I could leave my children for 12 weeks. DH has said it is my decission and that they would all make the sacrifice for me, but I just don't know! I guess I have a lot of thinking to do! It's one thing to leave for 12 weeks, but to be gone for a whole year! I just wouldn't be comfortable with that!

Also don't ever applogize for venting, that is what we are here for! To support one another!

~CrazieMama~ replied: I understand what your saying...But I think that if I was in her shoes...I might do the same thing. I would love to have my "dh" to see his daughter grow up...But if we were in need of money or something....one year out of our lives is not going to make that much difference. And he will see them a couple times in that year...so its not like he is going over and not going to see them for a whole year. Anywho, that is my opinion.

coasterqueen replied:
Kirsten, good luck with what you decide to do. I think your situation is much different because it could help you in your situation. Yes 12 weeks is a long time but if it makes a difference in your health it may be well worth it! Money is a different thing I would have a hard time making your decision too. Just think long and hard about it before saying yes or no. I'm sure you'll do what is right for your entire family

mummy2girls replied: wow... it stumps me too how a parent can make the choice of being away from thier child for a year. Like you said it is different when they are serving and such...

My borthers ex sent her son to kenya for a year without her there. and he is only 5 years old. she is going up in july for a month but then leaving again and he isnt coming home with her. he doesnt come home till october. its wierd but what can u do.

coasterqueen replied:
I see your point, but how much money does one "need". They were doing fine, both had to work, but lots of us do that. They are doing it so they don't have to work and so they never have to worry about money. I think there isn't a person here who could say that they wouldn't want that.

When DH told me about the offer, that came thru my mind. "WOW, we would never have to worry about money". But the price is too high for me

kimberley replied: well i kinda understand where she is coming from. my grandparents left their 2 kids in Ireland for 10 months while they scraped enough together and got jobs to bring their kids to Canada. my grandmother still talks about how she cried herself to sleep every night missing her kids like mad. they were with her sister. but they did it for the greater good. they wanted their kids to have a life of opportunity, not suffering. and in this country, money is important to survive.

if the opportunity was presented to us, we would probably take it for the financial security of our children's futures. yes, it would be hard and he would miss milestones but it is easier to do it the younger they are imo. when my grandma left, my mom was just a baby. when she came back to get her, she was walking and talking and somehow just eased back into her real family. little kids adapt a lot easier than we do. just my

jcc64 replied: In my experience, there's always a trade off for a well paying job. The reason in this case is most likely commenserate with the amount of danger he will undoubtedly be in. Couple that with becoming a virtual stranger to his child, and no, I can't understand the decision either. This situation has nothing in common with someone in the military, imo.

kit_kats_mom replied: Personally, I would not want my DH to be gone even if it meant we could live a more comfortable life and it would provide security. My DH is constantly checking for better paying jobs and has found a few that pay scads of money. But most of them also would require him to be traveling a week or two each month. Whenever he finds one, he always asks me "how much am I willing to whore myself for?" The extra money would be nice and it would make our lives easier but who cares? I'll keep driving my old minivan until it falls apart and frankly, as long as my DD & DH are in it with me, I couldn't care less.

I do understand though that for many people/couples, money is a big deal (it is one of the biggest reasons for divorce) and there are so many emotions tied up in it. Amazingly enough, the money is rarely the issue though. It's usually security and self esteem issues at the center of it. Maybe the couple fights a lot about money or are just really concernd about making a better life for their child. Perhaps they grew up really, really, really poor and just don't want that life for their kid? I don't know but I still wouldn't do it.

MommyToAshley replied: There is absolutely no way I or my DH would leave Ashley for that amount of time. In fact, that's one of the reasons we started our own business when we thought about having kids. We could be making a lot more money right now, but I would rather have this time with Ashley. And, I am sure she would rather have her Mommy and Daddy than material goods. I don't understand the decision at all. And, ITA, this situation has nothing in common with military families.

Maddie&EthansMom replied:

TeeHee! I still do that. You will never stop. I love watching Maddie sleep. (avatar proves it) She just looks like an angel.

Karen, as for your friend...I would not be able to do that personally. DH did take a job out of town (2 hours away) when Maddie was 3mos old. He did it for more money. ( we made the decision together and prayed about it first) He was gone for 7 mos before our house sold and we could move with him. We saw each other every weekend (and more after I was able to quit my job.) There were no real opportunities for him to advance where we were. He is so driven to succeed. I also wanted to stay home with Maddie and feel fortunate I'm still able to even after the year we have had. I would have never been able to do that there. We were barely making it as it was. He missed a lot during those 7 mos and despite the time apart...Maddie is STILL a daddy's girl. LOL! I could never go a year, though! (and neither could he.) We could never be THAT far apart, either. Especially now. No matter how much money played a role in our decision. Everyone makes their own decisions for their family, though and they know how much they can or can't handle.

*I wanted to add that DH still misses a lot with the hours he works, but he loves coming home to us and I love being around him and having him here with me. I feel so safe. And now it is hard for him to let me go see my parents for one night!

coasterqueen replied:
Yeah, but least he was in the same country and you knew that he was more safe than if he went overseas Also, DH and I both miss out on a lot already when we work and Kylie is at a sitter, but you are right, we get to come home (almost every night) and see her gorgeous face and kiss her goodnight. That makes the world of difference.

I think DH and I would probably have done what your DH did. It's different when you get to see each other every weekend/ or every other for sure!

coasterqueen replied: Thanks everyone for your honesty on this and letting me vent. I just wish I wasn't so angry about this. Why I don't know either. I'm not jealous because my DH didn't do it too, so who knows. I guess it's because I couldn't do it and don't understand how someone could. KWIM? ;-)

I feel better now that I vented for sure. Thanks again

Schnoogly replied: Yeah ITA that money isn't worth it. You have no idea how people can change when they're away from you, and I think the trade off in getting used to being together again when he comes back wouldn't be worth it.

But...why can't she go and the babe go with him? It would be an opportunity to live in another country. I have a friend on another board who just moved to France with her 1 year old so her DH can do research there for a year.

ETA I just read it was war-related...no I wouldn't take the babe. And the safety issue, no freakin' way!!

jen replied: I don't think money is worth being apart for that long. I also hurtfully must say that with my DH, money talks, he is very very ambitious. I think/hope that will change to a certain degree when Maddy is born. She will not be able to understand his need to travel like I do. I will not let her go through the hurt of missing her daddy though, we will be packing our bags and all of our shoes to go along with him! LOL!

coasterqueen replied:
LOL. That's really sweet actually of you to say that you'll pack up Maddy and go with him Course you wouldn't if it was a dangerous place, right?

Honestly I am just as ambitious as the next person but this is one situation I would never be ambitious about.

CantWait replied: I just wanted to say that to me that's VERY offensive. Unless you're under the same circumstances I don't think you have the right to judge. DH last year had the option of whether or not he wanted to leave for 7 months to go overseas. The only reason he did was because of money, which we desperately needed to pay off bills before having another baby.
I give a thumbs up for doing something for his country without having to be a member of the military, and wish him the best of luck and a safe homecoming.

kimberley replied: i think the opinion difference here really stems from those who have money and those who don't. anyone, like me, who has ever had to struggle financially in life would sacrifice what they had to in order to provide for their children. when other people say it is a year like that is forever, to me it is not that long if it means my kids can go to college and have a roof over their heads. it doesn't make us lesser parents because our choices are different.

Maddie&EthansMom replied:

Kim- That is so true! After the year DH and I have had I'm not sure I could say 'never'. It was really hard and we weren't THAT bad off! You never know unless you are in their shoes. Of course, Karen did say that this couple was fine financially...they just seem to want a little more. That makes a difference. DH and I were not making it financially back home and didn't see that it would ever happen. He just wanted to 'better himself.' And he has! And about changing...DH and I were like newlyweds when we moved back in together. It was so good to live together again. I know we saw each other on the weekends, but it was no where the same. He was living with his cousin. You are sure to go through trials, but any strong marriage and true love can overcome and conquer that (esp if you both agree that is what is best for your family). It just takes some time. I am just speaking from my experience. My DH did not live overseas and he was not gone a year. I'm not sure if I could handle one year away from DH. I know Maddie couldn't handle him being gone at the age she is now, but at 3 mos old it did not phase her. Of course I married him knowing he would never choose to do this as it is not his desire. Same reason I didn't marry someone in the military. But, in the same sense, my job as his wife is to support him as the ruler of the household. Just my personal beliefs and the way we are around here.

MomToJade&Jordan replied: I really don't know how I feel about this. I can see both sides of the argument so it's kind of hard for me to choose. On one side we have a father leaving his child for a year because of money. That is a very big sacrafice that I don't think I could make. On the other side he's doing it for financial security so they can be home with that baby. We are fortunate that the military pays for our housing so I really don't have to work. I am thinking I might start, but it will be an in-home daycare thing so I can continue to be here with Jade. There is a possibility that my DH might have to go to Korea for a year and we won't be able to go with him. It is considered a hostile tour so families are not permited to go. This is going to be hard, but if he has to go we really can't do anything about it. He signed on to protect our country and I knew this going in. Even now he's only a month into a 5 month TDY. No he's not in Iraq and the course he's taking doesn't have to do with money, but he went so he could better himself in his job field. Promotions work a little different in the military and a lot of it has to do with how hard a person works. Even that isn't enough you have to test for it. At this moment DH has a line number for Staff Seargent. This will mean more money when he sews on, but not that much of a difference. Unfortunately we live in a society that is driven by money. It's hard to say why someone would make such a decision, but I guess it would really depend on the circumstances.

coasterqueen replied:
I apologize for offending you. I see nothing wrong with doing such a thing if it is really for putting food on the table and to "survive", but I personally see something wrong with doing this if it for material reasons, which IMO this is what my friend is doing.

Again, sorry to offend you. It really wasn't my intention.

coasterqueen replied:
Okay, now I don't think this is true at all. I may have a nice house now, but DH and I lived in a SHACK, literally for 5 years before that with water pouring through our outlets, OIL heat that would literally singe our lungs breathing it. Sometimes no heat at all. I could go on.

DH and I struggled so much during our lives. I got kicked out of my house at the age of 16 bouncing around between friends homes and back to my parents once in a while, etc. I have had to literally work from the ground up to get where I am today and might I add with a substantial amount of debt to go along with it.

I might not have to struggle so much now, but I have been there. In college the only way DH and I survived was with a credit card. Yeah they give poor stupid college kids credit cards because they know they will owe it forever. But DH and I moved away signed up for college hoping for a better life not knowing if we would even be able to pay rent or have food on the table. I could go on. One time I charged a scratch off lotto ticket PRAYING I would win so I could pay the rent before they were going to kick us out the week later. I did win, someone was on my side then.

I have been in shoes like this. DH and I have come from strong lines of survivors. Our families were so poor. Our families gardened and fished for a lot of our food. What my mother canned in the summer was to get us through the winters when my dad would get layed off from work.

I could go on, but I don't think there is any amount of money that would keep me away from my family and DH agrees. I would consider getting a second job here before doing that. Which I've had plenty. At least I would get to see my precious baby's face even if it is just for a second and I could face her to say I love her.

I'm sorry if I offended anyone with my post. But I HAVE been there and still wouldn't do it. Especially if it means I could come home in a body bag because of the dangerous conditions. I would never take that chance for my child. She would be devastated the rest of her life if she knew I did that for money.

When my friend was talking about not having to worry about money she was talking about being able to be a SAHM, retirement funds, college funds, etc. Not putting food on the table now. They have no problems with that and their child has everything she needs.

I may have things in life, my house being one of them (but even that one was clearly decided for be somewhat by the courts), I also HAVE A LOT OF DEBT. I will be paying on my student loans when Kylie is a sophmore in college. I will be paying the US government $500,000 over my lifetime for a college education that cost DH and I less than $100,000. But I had to go to college in order to get a job that would put food on our table and save DH's land.

That's just the way I see it. Heck my DH would go visit his mother for the summers (dad and mom was divorced) and they including DH would eat out of garbage dumpsters because they couldn't afford food. Now why would you think I wouldn't understand where my friend was coming from?

A&A'smommy replied: omg wow this turned into a debate! I honestly dont know what i would do i see really good points from both sides but i do believe i would have to trust God (sorry i hope im not offending anyone) to lead us in the right direction.....and hope that we would be completly happy with what happened....i dont know what to say i can see why your angry and i can see why she would want to do this!!

coasterqueen replied:
I don't consider this a debate We just said how we felt and that's it. to all

kimberley replied: i didn't mean to suggest you don't know what it is like to struggle but if given the opportunity, such as your friend has, many low income people would not hesitate to get off welfare and secure a future for their child. even if that meant leaving their child for a period of a year. it is taken offensively when people in my own family have had to leave their kids behind for nearly a year to build a life for them and the attitude they get is that they are bad parents. i disagree completely. i think they sacrificed what they had to in order to keep their kids from eating out of dumpsters. if you and DH work multiple jobs, isn't that just as bad since the daycare and school system raises your child for you? it all depends on your perspective, right? most people who have a middle to upper class lifestyle don't have to worry about providing the necessities of life and probably wouldn't even consider the thought of leaving their child because they don't have to. that is all i was saying... if i was your friend, Jamie and I would do it because it sucks being broke and it is devastating being broke with children.