I have some mixed feelings...

mummy2girls wrote: Christmas is of course coming up and it is one of the hardest holidays for me to get through! I have many mixed feelings just as i did last year. I am happy because I get to be with my Jenna but I am also feeling very sad because I won't have Jordan with me. I always visit my sweet boy on Christmas eve and On christmas day! I always feel guilty for being happy on this day. I know i shouldnt but i always do. I want to do something special on this day i just dont know what to do. What i usually do is keep Jordans candle lit on both days beside a pic i have of him...But that candle is near to be burnt down to nothing. I have let balloons go while at his grave site. I also leave a present for him on his grave. I also have a special ornament on the tree of a teddybear laying on a heart with his name engraved on it.

A&A'smommy replied: i dont know what to say except that im so sorry you had to go through that (((((BIG HUGS)))))

ediep replied: I know it will be hard, but try not to feel guilty about being happy on Christmas. Jenna deserves a happy holiday and so do you! Jordan knows that you love him and miss him, I am sure.
Have a happy holiday!

kimberley replied: i am sorry the holidays are so hard for you. sounds like you are already doing a lot of wonderful things to keep his spirit with you always.

all i can do is offer you hugs and a shoulder whenever you need it.

maliksmommy replied: I agree with Edie, Jordan knows you love him and Jenna deserves to have a happy holiday. You should be able to have a nice time without being selfish because you aren't. He would want you to enjoy yourself. I hope you can have a Happy Holiday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

DansMom replied: Jordan must feel a strong connection to his sister, wanting her to enjoy the gifts of Christmas---joy, hope, a sacred connection---and wanting his mommy to have these things too.

I can't imagine the pain you've been through losing a child. It's important to allow yourself to grieve, but don't let those feelings be the only feelings. Allow yourself to experience also the joy of family and treasure the love and happiness that you have in your life now. I wish I could say more to help.

jen replied: I can't imagine what you are going through. I haven't experienced a loss like that. I can say that you sound like a very strong spritual person and you are honoring Jordan's memory, you aren't letting him be forgotten. I would try and focus on the blessings you still have with you when you have a down moment and feel sad allow yourself to mourn, you have a right to and you may always have mixed emotions, but eventually you will be able to balance them better with happiness for the blessings you still have with you. When you feel sad maybe take a moment and focus on something that makes you happy and build on that. Losing Jordan gave you something most of us don't have, you know what the value of life is, how every minute should be cherished. I really feel for you and I wish you the best during the holidays you will get through it, just take it one day at a time.

mummy2girls replied: Thanks Guys! I do want to give jenna happy memories and a wonderful Christmas as I love her so much! I think the morning when i see her unwrap all her presents will put a huge smile on my face!

Guest replied: hun, I am so sorry! allow yourself to feel the pain without the guilt, it is ok and believe me, normal to feel sad about your beautiful little boy and the presence of one child is not the same as the pain of losing another. it is possiable to feel happy to have your daughter and at the same time grieve your son.I agree with the post that said take one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time and know you only have to get through the minute. allow yourself to play, hug and cherish the times with your daughter and revel in her specialness and wonder.jordon loves his monmmy and you will always have him maybe not now psyically, but he hears you from heaven and knows you are his wonderful mommy. you will get to spend this christmas with him, by talking to him, praying to him and honoring him like you are doing. much love to you in your pain! love always angelhair

mckayleesmom replied: hmmm. Maybe you can buy another candle and just melt them together so you can keep adding to it. Also maybe you can make a plaque of Jennas handprints and put them on his grave for him. That would be a nice way for her to give a present to her brother. This has to be the hardest thing for a parent that lost a baby, but you are strong and both your babys love you. You will get through it.

Kirstenmumof3 replied: I'm so sorry you have to endure such pain at Christmas. I think what you have done so far to keep his memory alive is so wonderful. Please try to enjoy this time with Jenna.

MommyToAshley replied: I am sorry I am a little late responding, I haven't been around as much as I would have liked this past week.

I am sorry that you have to go through this. I remember the first time I laughed after I lost Joshua... I felt so guilty for laughing and being happy even for just a few seconds. But, I just try to remember that Joshua would not want me to be sad and mourn for him every minute of every day. There are days when I still cry because I miss him, but there are a lot of happy times as well, and I try not to feel guilty about the happy moments. It is ok to grieve for your Jordan, and it is ok to be happy and cheerish the moments with Jenna. Just because you are happy doesn't mean that you love Jordan any less. You have done a wonderful job of including Jordan in your family's celebration, he knows that you love him!