I hate this day

alice&arik wrote: This day 3 years ago Arik's dad died. It is just a reminder of what happened and how confused I was and still am. I just wish I would have had some closure. That is the worst part. I wish I could only ask why. But there are so many questions that start with that. Sometimes I think that he will magically appear again someday. But I know that will never happen. I just wish he could have seen Arik and seen what a beautiful baby he has.

This same day was the first day I heard Arik's heartbeat when I was pregnant. I was 12 weeks pregnant. They couldn't hear it the first time at 10 weeks so I had to go back. His dad wasn't with me at the appointment.

There are just so many things I wish I could have said and things I shouldn't have said. I wish I could stop blaming myself but that is how I feel.

It feels a lot better to get that off my chest.

mammag replied: Alice, I'm so sorry for your pain. I can't even imagine being in your shoes and it makes me want to cry to think of it.

I'm sure his daddy does see him and is watching over him every day.

It's good for you to get it out.

Take care of yourself sweetie! You're doing a great job.

momof2girls replied: I am soo sorry for your pain! Talking about it helps and I think he is watching his boy, now!!
Im not sure what happened exactly but I know it must have hurt you alot and you are very strong for raising Arik alone!

loveydad replied: Oh sweetie. What a rough time for you. I am so sorry for your pain.

We're here for you and I agree, you are so strong and such a good mommy to Arik. He is BEAUTIFUL!

Mommy2BAK replied: Oh hun, I am so sorry for your loss. And Arik is such a beautiful baby boy. I am sure his father is looking down and smiling at you two everyday.

((((HUGS))))

We are all here for you and willing and ready to talk anytime!!

kileyjae replied: I am so sorry you are going through this.

I haven't lost a spouse...just both of my parents.

I agree..Ariks Dad is now his Guardian Angel.

Hugs to you.

MomToMany replied: I'm so sorry Alice! He is watching out for Arik everyday. He's a wonderful little boy!! Lots of !!

Kirstenmumof3 replied: I'm so sorry for your loss! My thoughts and prayers are with you!

coasterqueen replied: I'm so sorry. He would be very proud of Arik, I'm sure.

Boys r us replied: (((HUGS))) Honey, I can't even begin to imagine your pain! You are such a strong woman to have been through all you have and yet still have so much love available for your son!!! You're a wonderful mommy!
Have you sought out any therapy to help you get past some of the uncertain feelings your dealing with?

ediep replied: I am so sorry Alice! That must be the hardest thing to deal with. He would be very proud of you and Arik. I am sure that Arik's daddy is watching him everyday.

jcc64 replied: I'm sorry for your pain and the loss of your husband. I think it's normal to feel regret over things unsaid. Who wouldn't give anything with one last chance to say all those things that you've replayed in your head over and over all these years? And yet, you have to try to remember that he knew you loved him even if you didn't say it enough. Whenever I start to feel sad about my dad, I reread this poem, which we read at his funeral. It really helps.


Don't Stand at My Grave and Weep

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow,
I am the diamond glints in snow,
I am the sunlight and ripened grain.
I am the gentle Autumn rain.
When you awake in the morning hush,
I am the swift upflinging rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die.

A&A'smommy replied: Oh Alice I'm SO sorry I can't amagine how awful that must have been for you and still is. (((BIG HUGS)))

kimberley replied: I am so sorry hon. i agree that Arik's dad is beaming with pride from heaven. p&pt your way.

Jeanne, that poem is beautiful. thank you for sharing.

tweety replied: i'm so sorry for your loss.

alice&arik replied: Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I hope his dad is keeping an eye on him.

His dad and I weren't married. We were living together and when I got pregnant we had plans to marry. I don't really want to share the story with everyone right now. I don't want to go to couseling or therapy. I am sure I will get over it eventually. It is harder when you have a daily reminder running around--(Arik). I don't think a day has gone by that I havn't thought about it. The time I was with him was the happiest point of my life, besides Arik coming into the world. I hope someday I will be able to find someone I can be that happy with again.

Last night we looked through the few pictures I have of his dad. It makes me feel better that Arik can see who his father was and he gave him kisses and said nite-nite to him.

Thanks for sharing that poem Jeanne, it is beautiful. It made me feel a little better.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Oh Alice. I'm so sorry, hun. I wish you had some closure. What a terrible thing to go through. Arik is such a sweet, beautiful little boy. I'm glad he brings you so much joy. You truly deserve to be happy again and I know you will find that special someone. Hang in there, sweetie.

3xsthefun replied: I'm so sorry Alice! I'm sure he is watching over his little boy now and is so proud of him!

father of one replied: im sorry for youre loss

chloe&tysmommy replied: awww I am so sorry that has got to be so hard! I am sure Arik's daddy is watching over him everyday and is very proud of him. He is such a sweet and handsome little guy!!!!!!

paradisemommy replied: oh alice..i agree with everyone. arik's father is with you every step of his growth and is your guardian angel. i bet he is so proud and i'm sure he has some regrets himself of what he should or shouldn't have said to you before his sudden passing. you know you have all of us to lean on. BIG HUGS. I'm so sorry for your pain and wish i could do more for you!

loveydad replied:
That is one of my favorite poems. I hope that helps.