I don't know what to do!! - long vent

Maddie&EthansMom wrote: We applied for the scholarship program at Maddie's school and finally got a call back regarding the amount they would award us. We applied for $1000 although we needed more than that. Her tuition is $210/month. They will only give us $500. Which covers a couple of months. As it stands I owe them $130 in back payments (b/c I couldn't afford the tuition and I was waiting for their decision) and I have to start paying the $210 in January. ($340 total in January) They suggested we change her to Tues/Thurs class instead b/c it is less expensive. I don't want to do that to Maddie. It isn't her fault we can't afford to send her to preschool. I had rather withdraw her altogether and spend these last few months with her alone before she starts kindergarten in the fall. Scotty says we will just pay them and keep sending her. Ethan has his surgery in January and we have doctor bills out the gazoo. I feel like it is silly sending a child to preschool and paying that amount when we have outstanding medical bills that need to be paid. We cannot afford to send her and that is what it boils down to.

What burns me up about this is that this is Maddie's 3rd year at that school and in the past (when we had plenty of money) we participated in EVERY fundraiser and gave our time, energy and money to a lot of their causes. Not to mention we paid tuition every month on time for the past 2 years. And last year we couldn't afford it at all. I was room mom last year and I volunteer my time whenever it is needed. This year I haven't participated in any fundraisers b/c we don't have the money and I thought it would be silly to buy things when I couldn't even make the tuition. I'm so upset over this. IMO they aren't trying to help out at all. Not as much as I have tried to help them. It just burns me up that they treat it as though it is a 'privilege' to attend their school. I hate them so much right now that I dont' even want to send Maddie back next week. Everytime I talk to them they are snotty and that makes it worse. Scotty lost his job...we got behind. $#*@ happens, KWIM?

I don't know what to do. I don't want to rock the boat and take her out. I don't want the trauma of sending her somewhere else or to another class on different days. I don't want to pay the $210 every month for preschool knowing that it could be spent on doctor's bills or car payments, or house payments. To me, providing food and shelter is a lot more important than providing a preschool education. I paid every month last year and that money could have been well spent somewhere else. They aren't teaching her anything she can't learn on her own with my guidance. We get rid of one car payment in February, which will help out a lot. But, we still could use that money to pay off more bills and get in the black again. I'm sick of coming up short every month and not having the money to cover bills. I'm trying to cut back on unnecessary things. Is her school a necessity right now?

Boys r us replied: oh honey!! I can see why you're so upset!

I took tanner out of preschool the last 6 months before he started kindergarten b/c I WANTED TO..b/c I felt it was important for him to have a little bit of free reign time before he started a 16 year journey of structured school time. You know..I think you should do this with Maddie.

5littleladies replied: Ok-here's my advice, but keep in mind that I am a living-on-a-tight-budget homeschooling mom.

I'd take her out. If they are going to be so stupid about the money and if you can't really afford it than I would just take her out. She will be going to school in the fall anyways and it might be nice to have her home until she starts kindergarten. They are only young once. She is obviously a bright girl and won't be lacking in anything when she starts going to school so that shouldn't be an issue. She would probably be dissapointed at first but she would get used to it pretty quickly.

I'm sorry the school is being such a pain in the you-know-what. After all you have put in to it you would think they would be a bit more helpful. I hope you get it worked out soon and I'm sure whatever you decide will be right for Maddie.

coasterqueen replied: Hmm, I'm not sure what the answer is here. I would say send her to a preschool that isn't so expensive for sure but then you'd be taking her out of her comfortable environment and that doesn't help the situation out any. To me that sounds like an expensive preschool and that's probably the reason why they act like it's a privelege. Many 'private' preschools around here do the same from what the mothers I've talked to say.

I know what you mean about trying to get into the black. That is our new years resolution for 2005. No spending past what we can afford, no matter what! Which is going to make it difficult now that DH's insurance premiums has increased astronomically and we are going to have to start paying when everything was basically free before.

If Scotty thinks you should just go ahead and send her and pay for it maybe he needs to explain to you better HOW he plans to do that. Have you both sat down and gone through the bill situation and really had a heart-to-heart about it?

My DH did that with me the other night since I was complaining again about not getting to be a SAHM. He made me realize that no matter what we do it will never happen. Sorry going off somewhere else here.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I hope I didn't sound like a selfish brat. What I meant by the "I've paid tuition for 2 years and have participated in everything" is that it isn't like this is Maddie's first year there and we are asking them for a HUGE loan. KWIM? She has been there, we have paid and on top of that we have given so much to them. I thought that would count for something. I'm so upset over this. She loves her school and her friends. What do I tell her? I know kids are resilient and it will never phase her in the long run, but what do I do right now? I feel like if they would have given us the $1000 I wouldn't have this issue. By that time Ethan will have had his surgery and the car will be paid off. This is a christian school nonetheless. We don't attend the church, but we have done things to help out the church when they have needed it. UGH!!!

maestra replied:
And I'm a tight budget-living teacher-mom!

I totally agree. Maybe find some free activities at the local library or other places that you could take her to. Our parks and recreation department has lots of classes that pre-schoolers can go to once or twice a week.

And in the long run, isn't it more important for her that you be finacially stable, rather than go to preschool at the expense of other things?

A&A'smommy replied: I'm sorry your having to go through this but I think you just got some GREAT advice!!! (((HUGS)))

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
This is another of my issues. Scotty will not face anything. When he lost his job he let everything go and we have bills that haven't even been opened. I've recently started taking control of the situation and am trying to cut back on what we don't need. I can't get him to talk to me about anything. He used to be so anal about every dime that was spent. He cut and saved every chance he got. I know everything will work out and the bills will eventually get paid, but what do you do when the money isn't there for the time being? I keep hoping for a brighter day and like I told Scotty last night, it just doesn't seem to be anywhere in the near future. *sigh* In the meantime we have to live. Scotty goes to work everyday and he doesn't have to answer the phone calls from collectors. He doesnt' have to see the mail. He doesn't have to take the kids to the doctor and explain to them why there is no insurance and why we can't pay for the visit that day. He doesnt' have to worry that we don't have the money to pay for Ethan's surgery and he doesn't have to explain to his ped why the surgery isn't done. #1 b/c there is no insurance (Scotty let it lapse) and #2 b/c there is no money to pay for it. We still owe $10,000 on Ethan's birth and we are about to rack up more doctor bills with the surgery.

coasterqueen replied: ((HUGS)) Aimee. I don't know what to tell you to do about Scotty. I know it must be rough dealing with the collectors and such.

I'm the last person to say anything because my advice would be to get a job. DH and I grew up with very tough beliefs that no matter what you have to pay your bills, even if it means having to work and be away from our children. I hate it, trust me. I want to be a SAHM more than anything, but life doesn't give us everything I know. Daycare's expensive, sure but luckily for us we both have a college education and our jobs pay us enough to afford it and have money left over to pay bills.

Maybe he's shutting down because he sees no light at the end of the tunnel and it's a heavy burden for one person to carry. I can only say this because I've asked my DH's perspective on life and how he'd handle it if he was the only one to bare the financial burden. I was a SAH person for about 3 months right after DH graduated college. DH couldn't handle the burden on his own and we didn't even have kids at the time. He would come home crying because he didn't know how we'd pay for just things like food and he would tell me it's not the life he wanted for his future children...so I quit school and went to work. I eventually went back to school but at nights. I haven't looked back.

Just let him know you understand it has to be very very hard for him to be the sole breadwinner but that he really needs to not shut down and that he really needs to help you figure things out. Maybe if he understands that you really do understand that it's got to be hard for him maybe he might not shut down. I'm sure you already do that though.

((HUGS)) sweetie. If I had extra moola...I'd send it your way .

gr33n3y3z replied: I was wondering if you were talking about a christian school bc of it being so expensive.
I will get some nasty remarks about what I'm going to say but oh well used to it
We were in the same situation with my 2 boys when we had them in school grade K and 2nd grade I told them we cant afford to have both boys in their school and they said oh dont worry about it just make the 1 reg. payment a month and ask your church to help out with the other payment well I asked the school every month whats going on she said the paper work takes time dont worry this went on the whole school year and The payments all added up to be 3 thousand a year for the boys that was like many years ago and the church never put the paper work through right away and at the end of the school year Sister came to me and said you owe the school 1800.
I was like I thought the church was going to help us out and she said to me that the church didnt want to pay the payments.
So needless to say I told her she was stuck with the bills bc if I knew we were not getting help they would have never went back.
So what I'm saying is private schools and Churches dont mind taking YOUR money But God forbid if you need to ask for money from them.
I would just not send her and take her to a local play group or something like that so she can play with other children or a play ground a few times a week or something.

TANNER'S MOM replied: I am so sry you are having this trouble. It has to be hard. And who has money after the holidays. I complete understand! You will be in my thoughts!

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
I've really honestly considered it. We've talked about it and DH refuses to let me go to work. I would HATE leaving my babies at daycare, but I am so willing to do just that. I don't have a college degree, but I have TONS of experience in the medical field and I worked for HealthSouth last. They always said they would give me a great recommendation if I needed it. The insurance is wonderful. Well, 4 years ago it was only $60 for the family. I could make decent money here and with my experience I would get a good job M-F, 8-5. I'm not sure how much daycare is, but maybe I could find someone in home that could watch the kids. I think I will put out my resume just for kicks. Ultimately =I= am the decision maker in the family. Usually what I say goes.

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
ITA!!! The administrator is always guilting us into donating money for things for the church (that I don't even attend) and insisting we participate in the fund raisers, etc. Where is she when I need help? I just don't think I could go in there with a happy heart and send my child there without a tad bit of a grudge.

I NEVER ask for handouts. You must know it KILLED me to ask them for this loan. I never ask anyone for anything. That is why our medical bills are so high...I wouldn't even apply for govt programs (medicaid) when Ethan was born. Now I know why I dont' ask. I never get anything. I know I'm having a pity party, but it is true. I always get the raw end of the deal. There is never an easy break for me. Of course it could be worse. It could always be worse. I have worked hard my entire life. I've always done everything I was supposed to do and more. I'm honest and I've paid my dues. I thought surely that would get me somewhere. I will continue to bust my @$$ and pay what I owe. There is no choice. We will all survive. They can take our pride, but they don't have to take our happiness and despite all of this, we are definetly happy and healthy. What more could I ask for, right?

coasterqueen replied: You know Aimee I feel the same way you do so many times it isn't funny. I look at some people and they just seem to get all the luck, breaks, everything. Ya know? My dad always taught me that you work hard, you will get what you deserve. Not so sure about that one anymore. Also the same when people tell you that so and so will get what they deserve some day..ya know those who get everything and get it the wrong way. YEAH RIGHT! I've yet to see those I know pay dearly for anything they've done and they still keep getting all the luck.

I feel like the most unluckiest person on the planet sometimes as it sounds like you feel the same. Course I know I'm not alone and I'm far from unlucky in many ways, but hey we have to have pity parties for ourselves sometimes, right? Just a tiny example...our friends that we know from college. They are very rich, come from rich families have more luck they could give us some ya know . They have a gorgeous palace of a house, she lost her job but they just seem to do just fine. We went to a casino boat one time with them even though we couldn't afford it what-so-ever. DH and I lost all our money....they kept winning and winning and when we were ready to leave my friend puts a $5 bill in the machine and BAM....wins a huge amount of money. COME ON! If I did that I'd lose my $5. Why? Why us? Sorry I'm joining your pity party today.

mammag replied: I wish you weren't having to make this decision right now. I know how hard it is when you are worried about your decision making your little sweetie sad. But, IMO, it is probably best to leave her out. I don't think she'll miss a whole lot and you will get that extra time with her. Be creative and you can educate her even better than the school is.

I certainly know what it's like when things are tight and in the negative. I couldn't get a job that would pay enough to for daycare for 4 kids so I started babysitting in my home. Sure my house isn't as clean and I don't have a lot of quiet but I love the little ones that I watch and it gives my son playmates. We do projects and go on outings and I think he learns more from me than he did in preschool.

favre4fan replied: I am sorry you have to go through this. Life just downright stinks sometimes. You have gotten tons of great advice thats why i love this place so much. If it came down to it I know it would be hard but I would have to take her out of the school or maybe do something part time for awhile to get back on your feet. I had to consolidate all my debt a few years back when i first met my dh and had no medical insurance for awhile so I have been down that road and it sucks. I believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

chloe&tysmommy replied:




I feel really bad for you. I can't believe how expensive it is in the US just to have a baby....I realize how lucky I am b/c everything is covered here. I hope things get better financially for you and Scotty very very soon. But I think pullling Maddie out for the rest of the year wouldn't hurt her...I agree that it would give her a little break before she goes to school full time. Good Luck

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
Thanks Karen. It is so nice to know I'm not alone. I feel like such a spoiled brat sometimes. I really don't think I am 'owed' anything, but my gosh, a break would be nice. I know we will get through this. We always pull through somehow. I just remember the days when we could buy anything we wanted. We were on our feet, remodeling our home, paying cash for furniture, we had money in savings and mutual funds, etc. We drove a Jaguar for crying out loud. Now it is all gone. You never know where life will take you. Thank God we were smart enough not to have credit cards. All of our debt is medical bills. It is wearing me out. I just need to stay strong. My family needs me to be strong for them.

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
I think there is too. Thank you for the words of hope. I just get so down about all of this. I'm worried about our credit (which has been perfect until now) and what it will do to us in the future. Nobody is understanding, really. They all just want their money. Can I blame them?

My2Beauties replied: I'm truly sorry that you are going through this rough time! I too definitely know what it is like to be broke. My credit is terrble, I got in all sorts of credit card debt when i first started college and I had to take out a loan a couple of months ago to pay them off, and had to get a co-signer on the loan for pete's sake! The home we are buying is all in Brian's name of course I will be on the deed but I hate it that I can't even be included on my own home loan, and with my income we would have been approved for way more!!! I constantly have creditors calling me and whatnot asking for their money, I have some cards that I haven't paid on in 3 years, I am just waiting for someone to garnish my paycheck. The loan I took out only covered 2 of the 5 cards that I owe on I maxed them all out and it was ridiculous! So I know how you feel Aimee and it really sucks, you feel helpless and when you ask for help people don't want to. Those who don't have the credit and stuff have a hard time with anything. I'm sorry and if I were you I would pull Maddie out of that daycare, sounds to me like they are money hungry anyways!