I am at my wits end!!!

kimberley wrote: James is 6 going on 16 with the pure attitude lately! he is NOTHING like the other two kids who are generally well behaved and considerate of others. i caught him giving his baby sister a wedgie! and he was so mean about it too! he had her by the back of her pants and kept saying "you want a wedgie, huh, i will give you a wedgie!" she is a baby!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i saw this and was immediately speechless! all i could muster was "go to your room". Jade was okay but i swear his behavior was almost demonic! and he is usually so loving to her, why does he get like this?! then i went in the room after i calmed a bit and he just glared at me as though to say "die, witch!". he was tearing the felt off the bottom of one of his chess pieces and i asked him to stop and he threw it and glared at me some more. i told him to calm down and think about things some more and walked out. Now he is throwing things at the door and i am sure is still hating my guts. how am i supposed to deal with this?! he has always had fits but they have tapered off the last few years. anyone have experience with this? also, i wonder if this behavior is allergy related?! HELP!!

booey2 replied: First, HUGS to you. Secondly, he sounds a lot like my nephew did before they had him tested for allergies. Once that was done they found him allergic to wheat and quite a few others. (for some reason the wheat stands out in my mind). I would definitely get him checked out. It may not be that but you never know. Now Matthew can have some real mean days around our house, but usually something else has set him off and he doesn't know how to channel it so he takes it out on either his brother, me or his dad. Hang in there.

kimberley replied: we have had him tested and know he is highly allergic to pork and cats and mildly allergic to plantains and dust. they told me all the physical signs of his allergies, but i never heard anything about if it could affect his behavior. i just wonder if that could be part of the reason he gets so nasty. he had night terrors as a baby and was a very angry toddler (nearly killed our cat!) and i thought he was outgrowing this fits of rage but they still surface every now and then.

booey2 replied: The more you describe him the more I picture my nephew in my head. They didn't think about the behavoiur until my cousin mentioned it to them and since they have changed some of his food he has become a totally different boy.

kimberley replied: i have tried to change his diet, but most of the time, he just won't eat. he would rather be sick than eat something he doesn't like. he is very picky. the few things he will eat: pasta, pizza, tacos, chicken nuggets, sandwiches, toast and cereal. he will eat corn on the cob but that is it for veggies. fruits he will eat peaches, apples and the odd banana. he sneaks junk food from his dad every chance he gets with chocolate and chips .

he just apologized to both his brother and sister (he hit and pushed Jacob too) but i just feel like we didn't solve anything because he won't tell me why he did it and doesn't understand that what he did was wrong.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Kimberley You know a lot of people mistake ADD/ADHD for food allergies b/c the symptoms are so similar. You wouldn't believe how many people are allergic to food dye. Kids especially. It makes them go bonkers!! I hope you can figure out what is going on. Poor lil guy. You know he doesn't enjoy acting that way...I'm certain it is out of his control. You are doing all you can for now and I think you are doing a great job with him. Hang in there. Sorry, I couldn't be more help. It is hard when our kids act this way.

Kaitlin'smom replied: Fist I wanted to send lost of hugs, second I have no idea what else to say other than I hope your able to figure something out, it must be driveing you nuts for him to act that way.

Kirstenmumof3 replied: I went through this with Emily and all I can say that worked is patience and consistancy. Keep punishing him when you catch him doing something wrong, but also remember to praise him when he is doing something right. I think once Emily had a chore to do and we were telling her what a great job she was doing, that's when her behaviour finally changed. If things continue to get worse, I would recommend getting a referal from your doctor for James to see a family Therapist. The one we saw worked with both the kids and my DH and I. I hope things improve!

Happymomof2 replied: I might possibly have him tested for ODD (oppositional defiance disorder) . He sounds a lot like my nephew. He has it as well as ADHD. It could be ADHD also or a combo of the two. My son has ADHD and he's thrown some whopper tantrums, but he's never been really nasty or cruel.

((HUGS)) I can imagine how hard it is to deal with something like that. My son is much better now that he's medicated properly, but when he was younger, he was no picnic sometimes.

mommy2owen replied: Sorry I dont know what to tell you. I havent gone through anything with Alyssa yet so I woudlnt know what to say. Hope it ends soon though!:grouphug: Hugs to you

jcc64 replied: You mentioned he doesn't understand that he did something wrong, so I'm assuming he apologized b/c you intervened? The first thing that comes to mind is your comment about his inability to understand why he's acting out. I think that kind of self awareness isn't really possible in a 6 yr old. He probably has no idea why he's angry, or if he does, it's probably something pretty superficial, kwim? Siblings can be absolutely hideous with each other, despite our best efforts to spread our attention evenly among our kids. Could it be simple jealousy? Perhaps he has the kind of temperment that dictates he act out in a more obvious manner than your other kids? I guess I wouldn't be so quick to assign a "syndrome" to his behavior unless and until it becomes chronic and relentless. Is he misbehaving in school? Is he struggling there or with his peers? If the behavior is limited to your home, you could probably assume it's a sibling issue.
You also mentioned that he's throwing things at the door while he's being punished. Maybe I would put him in a more neutral and inactive place. Like a chair in the kitchen or somewhere you can keep an eye on him. So that all he can do is sit there, with no flying objects at his disposal. If he's replacing one anti-social behavior (hitting) with another (throwing things) during his time out, I'm not sure he's learning much, kwim?
I know how desperate we as moms feel when our kids act up this way. Try to remember that you can do everything right and your kid can still behave badly. Different things work for different kids. The good news is that he's letting you know he needs something from you. It's up to you to figure out what that is. I'm thinking an hour of your undivided attention, apart from the other kids, would be a good place to start. My friend is a 3rd grade teacher, and he says his most reliable discipline technique for kids that are misbehaving is to invite them to eat lunch with him one on one and to establish a stronger bond. Hth!

kimberley replied: thanks for all the insight . it is ironic that this thread was brought up again today because we had another freak out episode this morning. i actually called the school social worker because i didn't know what to do and had no other parental back up here . he had a melt down because his boots had not dried from yesterday (he was stepping in puddles) when he tried to leave this morning and he wanted his brother's boots. when i said no, that he could just wear his shoes for the day, he went nuts. then, Jacob forgot something and took his boots off to go get it, James took his boots and put them on. i asked him to take them off and told him again he could just wear his shoes today and he kicked off the boots nearly hitting jacob, threw off his coat and mitts and sat on the floor facing inside the closet for half an hour . there was no talking to him at all. i got frustrated... yes, i know.. i am the problem at that point, but i sent him to his room to cool off and he stomped all the way there and slammed the door shut, waking up Jamie and Jade. Jamie got upset and told him to calm down or he would be grounded and James just started screaming. i made a plea to his bio dad, Pat, to come talk to him and maybe take him to the school to find a boot he had lost a couple of weeks ago so he could wear those. thankfully, he settled down and got ready and was at school by about 10am. he came and apologized before he left and i just hugged him and told him i loved him and that he has to use his words to tell me how he feels and know that acting out that way is wrong. he said i know and that was it.

i think it might be sibling rivalry. he is the middle child after all. i haven't had any complaints at school yet. he has lots of friends and is breezing thru gr 1 with excellent grades. he has been this way forever. as a baby, he had night terrors, as a toddler he was violent and uncontrollable, when he became school age, he was fine at school *most* of the time. i thought he was outgrowing the behavior since he has been miles better in the past two years, but when these episodes do arise, they are just so horribly mean and it scares me. i have an appt with the social worker on the 25th and will try spending some one on one with him. he apoligizes because i tell him what he did was wrong. i guess i am expecting to much for him to know what he is feeling. it is just so hard to help him when i don't know. and as for diagnosing him with a disorder... i have learned thru my ordeals with Jacob that most of these things can be correcting without meds... just behavior modification on everyone's part. sorry for rambling so long. thanks for reading!

loveydad replied: We talked about this the other ngiht! Vincent does the same thing and it makes me so angry with him!