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I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE. HELP!


NaturalMom wrote: My daughter is IMPOSSIBLE! i mean IM POS I BLE! She whines and moans about everything she wears. Its too tight, its too itchy, its too small , its too big! i have spent 100's on her on clothes that go straight to the trash. Shoes are no different. EVERY time i take her to buy clothes and shoes i have her try them on, walk around, sit , bend and even run in the store. I make sure over and over that she likes them and they are comfy. She insists they are. Well here we are again! she called me from school and told me her shoes were too small. WE JUST BOUGHT THEM. her darn dad says "maybe she grew:" BULL. this has been going on since she was able to speak! I dont know what to do. Im not made out of money and even if i was i still wouldnt waste it. school has only been in ONE WEEK today and now she wont wear ANY of the new clothes or shoes. NOT A ONE! Something is wrong with each of them. Im at my wits end can you tell??!!! i dont know what to do? do i make her pay me back for all this? She was pissed when i bought her 20 dollar shoes and her brother got 50 dollar sketchers but he wears them forever with no complaints and she ******* and moans the first time she puts them on outside of the store. I have already decided that she will do her chores for the next 4 weeks without pay to pay me back the 20 for the shoes but what about the other shoes and clothes? unfortunately we are moving down to florida in about a month or so and i cant afford all new clothes for her when it takes over 6 grand to move? PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME END MY MISERY BEFORE I LOSE MY MIND!!!

moped replied: How old is she?

Anthony275 replied: how old is she?

momofone replied: Just the other day I told my daughter I'll give you 5 cents if you don't complain about your shoes and it worked. (she's only 7) But maybe a reward system for no complaining?

kit_kats_mom replied: could she have a disorder? I know that my cousin has very mild turettes (you'd never know it if you weren't very close to her) and she has always been bothered by tags, seams in socks etc. They literally drive her crazy. If she's been doing this since she was very young, I'd have her checked by a dr. She could have some disorder that causes more than mild discomfort where we would usually feel nothing. KWIM?

BTW, welcome to the board.

indywndy_04 replied: I have a 13 year old daughter and if she acted that way then she wouldn't be having any new clothes for a long long time! She could find what is in her closet and if that wasn't good enough...too bad. Period!

My daughter is getting real snotty, not rude snotty but stuck up snotty because she is popular at her school, well, that is fine and dandy at school but when her butt walks through my door....it is OVER! I will not put up with rude behavior like that from any kid! Send her to my house, she will learn how to deal with what she has!!

Kaitlin'smom replied: well first I woudl rule out any medical conditions then I woudl stop tring to cater to her, you wear what you got, espically if she picked them out.

How old is she btw?

NaturalMom replied: sorry i should of said she is 8. Her dad is equally picky. they are both ridiculous when it comes to socks. God forbid there be a piece of lint or something. she wears her socks inside out cuz she doesnt like the seam. This has been going on since she was old enough to talk. when she was little it didnt matter. As far as medical reasons i have no idea. I have mentioned it to our doc years ago and he thought nothing of it. she has no other symptoms of any kind really. her and her dad are just picky like that. I have made her wear what she has but now she has literally outgrown everything and thats why i went and bought new clothes. now she pulls this crap again! lol im sorry im so crazy but im just fed up. I know i have let this go on too long and i have tried to cater to her cuz i thought maybe all these things she was telling me was true but now im realizing they cant be. i mean the shoes she wore to school today were checked. there was a whole finger space between her toes and the end of the shoe. on the sides they seemed fine too. I made her wear them like you alll said but then she called from school and i felt i had to bring her new ones or they would think im this big ol neglectful mom! :-(

Kaitlin'smom replied: Did you take her new shoes? did the others seem tight at all if you did? sorry for the questions but she might have soemthing more going on than just being picky

momofone replied: They sell wide width that would give her more room maybe that would help. hug.gif

Calimama replied: I would talk to a doctor about it. Could it be psychological? Good luck hun. I'm sure it's frustrating. hug.gif

My2Beauties replied: Just to be devil's advocate here, she coul dhave extremely sensitive skin. I cannot wear sweaters, certain tags, pantyhose, certain fabrics, because my skin is very very easily irritated. I can tell you that I've tried someting on in the store before and it eflt ok then, but I would take it home and have it on for more than just the 30 seconds or so it took to try on and let me tell ya - it drove me crazy, so I never wore it again. I've done that several times. What I do is stick with cotton, it never itches. try those new tagless shirts, they have them everywhere now. Cotton is the way to go I'm teling you. Shoes wise, that has happened to me before too, I try on shoes, walk around in them for a minute or so, think ok these are comfy enough, buy them, wear them to work or somewhere one day and have blisters everywhere. She really may not be doing this just to be a bear. If even cotton clothes and stuff do not work, then I think you might want to have her checked, if she checks out just fine, then she needs to just get over it. Make her wear it, buy her nothing new.

moped replied: I do not think that she has a medical condition at all - she is a picky girl is all!!!!

indywndy_04 replied:
Ditto - I think too many parents try to "label" a child when they are just bratty or picky...

My child - well, she is just bratty! Just admit it. It feels good.

coasterqueen replied: Have you looked into sensory disorders? Or maybe your child is very spirited which goes hand in hand with sensory disorders.

My daughter Megan, who is 2.5, has a sensory disorder. We see an occupational therapist for it and one of the problems she has is with clothes and shoes. It's terrible and drives me insane.

Whether she's picky or not, she may have sensory issues. We ALL have sensory issues to some degree. Unfortunately some people have a harder time with it than others and don't know how to cope without being taught certain mechanisms to do so.

coasterqueen replied: I really have to say this after reading other responses. No offense to others but after dealing with spiritedness and sensory issues with both my girls for years now and the amount of research I've done, books I've read, etc - I do not see this girl being bratty, picky, stubborn, etc. After reading that she doesn't like the seam on her socks makes me really think she has these sensory issues.

I will try to find all the links, info I have and post it for you tonight.

hug.gif hug.gif It's really sad. People do really have these issues and they shouldn't be made to feel like they are terrible for having them, made to feel like they are being bratty, etc. Please try putting yourself in their shoes.

WE ALL HAVE SOME SORT OF SENSORY ISSUES - just some have them much much worse than us.

hug.gif hug.gif

indywndy_04 replied: Even so, if she is diagnoised, there is no meds that she can take right? So won't she have to learn how to deal with it? You can't always give in...clothes are clothes, shoes are shoes, we have to wear them.

Anthony275 replied: the most i can suggest now is to tell her there are people in the world that don't have clothes and shoes and shes grateful for these things

coasterqueen replied:
No you shouldn't give in. What one should do if their child has sensory issues/ spiritedness is see someone who can help give you the tools to help your child deal with these issues.

I'm trying to come up with a good example of what might help you and others understand this.

Say for instance you are wearing a wool itchy sweater with nothing underneath it. Everyone else has NO problem wearing such a thing, but for you you can't stand it. It's itching you 24/7. You are miserable. You try telling others but they don't listen, tell you to deal with it, etc, etc, etc. How would that make you feel? No one believes you. No one is trying to understand you.

This is a terrible explanation. I will try to come up with one that I know people can relate to.

Boo&BugsMom replied:
I think you answered your own question. Giving into her will make it worse. I doubt there is a medical reason, I don't see any reason for a label from what you described, IMO. It's unreal how many kids are labeled with something when they shouldn't. Kids are not perfect angels and test the waters. Every kid is different and when one child doesn't seem "normal" they are labled. rolleyes.gif IMO, a sensory disorder is just a fancy medical term for "sensitive". Sensitive does not need a fancy label. More so than not, and no offense and I'm not saying this situation, it's easy to see where children get things from if you just look at the parents. Example: kids labeled with ADHD that don't need to be when all along the parents just don't do their job at disciplining. If parents don't put their foot down of course their child will be out of control. I'll stop there. sleep.gif

Perhaps you should make her buy her own clothes from now on to help her understand money does not grow on trees. Furthermore, do NOT give into her. If she calls from school tell her too bad if you feel she is just being overdramatic. I have a hard time believing EVERYTHING she wears is causing her issues. JMO

holley79 replied: Sounds like everyone has you covered. Sorry you are dealing with this. hug.gif

My2Beauties replied:
Karen I'm wondering if I have a small sensory disorder, I mean seriously, I cannot wear sweaters of any kind at all, I have to cut almost all my tags out, I cannot wear pantyhose or anything like that. Even some sweatshirts unless they're new and soft on the inside bug me. I mean seriously for me it's always been cotton tees and t-shirts a lot of the time. I can wear jeans but not the stretch type of jeans because the material bothers me. If bugs touch me, I literally go ballistic, it's not just the thought of them that scares me, to touch them I just...eew it makes my skin literally crawl and I'll feel disgusting for a long time after I accidentally come in contact with one. I've learned to live with it obviously because I'm older and can buy my own clothes and what not but when I was growing up my mom had a hard time finding me anything that wouldn't itch me half to death in the wintertime. Plus...because of my issues I buy my kid's clothes tagless for the mjost part (can't always get away from it) and I always feel the inside of their clothes before I buy them, unless it's jeans or a cotton tee, isn't that weird and they seem to be fine and not have these problems.

moped replied:
Again Jennie and I agree here

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My2Beauties replied:
I really have to disagree because I've heard of this and it's actually a real condition. Just ask some parents that have to deal with it on an everyday basis. I think to label a sensory disorder as someone just having sensitive skin is pretty harsh. Like I asked Karen in my last post, I always thought I just had really sensitive skin but seriously some stuff irritates me and people are seriously like ok how can that bother you? I would break out literally in red blotches all over my legs if I ever wore pantyhose from where I scratched myself so bad all over my legs.

NaturalMom replied: i have never heard of this sensory thing but im open to anything. Im like a lot of you here that think she is just being overly anal. I know different things bother us but its everything with her. Come to think of it tho my son had a similar issue when i was younger. He would ALWAYS pull his shirt up off his tummy. everywhere he would do this. he would say it made him hot. Up until this year really when he turned 6. He still hates to wear clothes but does and doesnt complain. he just takes off his shirt when he gets home. I only buy tagless clothes or take the tags out for both of them, my daughter especially. If she had her way she would always wear skirts or dresses. Living in upstate NY thats not an option. One of the reasons we are moving back to florida. lol so they can wear less. seems ridiculous huh? rest assured thats not the only reason but it did play a big part. I am curious tho how does one deal the this "sensory" issue? I too think a lot of kids are over labeled. My son has "adhd" but i dont medicate him. I use nutritional products and supplements to keep it under control BUT i do feel that i sometimes lack in discipline cuz i feel like maybe i have to be nicer cuz he is "adhd". But i also feel like he takes advantage cuz i am sometimes easier on him. Man im a mess huh? lol i think her and i will have to have a big heart to heart when she gets home. Thanks everyone for all ur opinions. it has really helped. :-)

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I'd say you are right Karen...everyone does have sensory issues and some are just plain "insensitive." dry.gif

I think your DD has a disorder. I know I suffer from sensory issues (like Karen said, it goes hand in hand with being spirited.) I've learned to 'deal with it' in my own way, but a child can hardly handle doing that if she doesn't understand it. That's why children have parents, to be their advocate.

Your DD is not a brat. I too suggest she see a therapist. hug.gif

coasterqueen replied: It is not a label. It is something they are born with. My daughter was born a month early with a very immature nervous system. This in fact caused her sensory issues. She needs constant deep pressure - and oddly enough her clothing problems go along with that. This isn't something she decided to say "I'm going to be a pain, or a brat". This is something exhibited from BIRTH. I do not see how someone could say such things about children born with something like this. I, personally, researched everything, denied my daughter had sensory issues because I didn't want to think of my child not being "normal". I didn't want to see doctor after doctor about this. My daughter's sensory issues have contributed to her eating issues from birth and why we've struggled with that.

I, personally, think people are way too harsh on children and think they are just trying to defy parents, rule the roost, etc type of things. Geesh, these are children. These are children trying to understand the world and it's sad that some have issues and parents think it's easier just to say "oh they are being a brat, or spoiled or stubborn". Maybe for one minute we should try to put ourselves in their shoes and see what it's like to live in their body, in their world, in their environment.

Kids with sensory issues don't get better with tough love. They get worse. These are the kids that have exhibited this behavior from birth - these are the kids that later in life screw up royally and have to live life the hard way and why? Because parents don't try to figure out what was wrong and just think their children are being stubborn and defiant. It's really sad. Very sad that this happens to the children of this world.

This isn't "voodoo" medicine out there. Granted there are a LOT of kids labeled ADHD - as medical science has advanced they are finding out that a lot of kids labeled ADHD are in fact just kids with sensory issues and never needed medicines. I, for one, am glad that i got my daughter help. That I have educated myself to figure out what the problem is, help her the best I can and do so with out medicines.

Why is it we can't seem to listen to our children? Why do we always have to think they are testing boundaries, being defiant, bratty and stubborn. I tried all those "outlooks" with Megan and was crushed to figure out that I was not helping her by having that outlook. To find out that I was not helping her by giving her tough love. I was just making the environment to which she is trying to deal with that much worse.

And we wonder why so many kids are screwed up in this world. sad.gif I am not offended by anyone's comments. I am not offended that some may think I've labeled my daughter. I only tell my side of things hoping to help another child who may need it.

Until you get a medical degree and/or have actually studied sensory issues in a serious nature I'm not sure I would throw out words such as "labels" and they just need tough love.

Jamison'smama replied: Wow, I have never been on the other side of such insensitive responses and it made me want to jump out of my own skin. People who don't understand everything need to be very careful about making such blanketed statements.

Jamison sees an OT each week for Sensory Integration Disorder---her particular issues have to do with Modulation and Proprioceptive Issues however they are on the same continuum as those children with Tactile Defensiveness. I have no idea if your child has it but is sure sounds like it could be a possibility. No, there is no medication but there are many desensitising techniques that therapists can use to help--sometimes it is just a few visits with an OT before significant changes occur. Jamison is "brushed" each week at the start of each session to desensitize her for the rest of the therapy.

This is not a "label" this is something more recently discovered that many people have (DH included) that went untreated but showed up in ways such as learning disorders, hyperactivity, chewing/oral issues, being "overly sensitive" etc.

My niece was diagnosed when she was 8 after YEARS of tears before winter came because she would have to wear closed shoes and socks. They spent a lot of money as you described trying to find something she could wear---seamless socks etc. Since she was diagnosed after extensive testing, she has been in therapy she has improved in many aspects of her life.

For those of you who doubt this condition exists, please do some more research on the topic before making statements accusing many of us of labeling our children. Many times kids are "bratty" or "hyper" for a reason that has nothing to do with discipline and parenting.

Feel free to ask any additional questions and I'd be happy to talk with anyone who has questions.

whoops Karen, I was typing my 'book' while you were yours, I'm sure you answered many of the things I did.

holley79 replied: WOW I never knew. This is what I love about parenting boards. You learn something new everyday. Thanks for the info Karen and Jamison'smama (Sorry I had a brain fluff and can't remember your name sleep.gif ).

kit_kats_mom replied: It could very well be SID. It could also be a host of other things. I know for a fact that the only "issues" my cousin has are the sensitivity to things touching her and tics. The tics aren't even that noticable. Her mother first took her to the ped when she was clenching her..uh...anus repetedly as a toddler. (is that acceptable? I couldn't think of a better word). Then she stopped that and started blinking her eyes a lot. She was seen by the doc then (early 90's) and diagnosed with mild tourettes. The tics move around and some are more obvious than others but you may just think her a nervous person if you didn't know her.

Perhaps you DD is just being a diva but if you punished her, without finding out the source of the problem, wouldn't you feel kind of bad if she ended up with a real disorder?

If I were you, I'd sit her down tonight and explain that mommy's gotten some new information that may help her and that you are going to do your best to keep your temper while you work with her to find a solution to her problem. Then, I'd apologize for misunderstanding and (depending on her age and comprehension) maybe explain that sometimes parents just don't understand kids and that you will try harder. Then ask her to do her best to be as honest and open as possible.

Wouldn't it be great if it turns out that she's perfectly comfy in a pair of keds, jeans and cotton T's? That would cut your wardrobe budget. LOL

Karen, Brenda and Natural Mom.... hug.gif

luvmykids replied: I don't discount the fact that SID exists or that it is miserable for those with moderate to severe cases, but I also don't think it's necessarily the only answer. I definitely think a visit to the dr is in order and go from there, either way hug.gif hug.gif

coasterqueen replied:
You are very right. It's not the only answer, but I believe it's one area that should not be discounted before being researched, either.

NaturalMom replied: im sorry i didnt mean to start an arguement here. i hope i didnt offend anyone. im gonna talk with her and im gonna read up on this SID. I need all the info i can get to be the best mom i can be. If she does have SID or something similar i want to know. Are there other signs of this? Cuz nothing else is off about her that i noticed?

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
ITA with Jen. My niece who is also 8 is the exact same way. Just a girl thing IMO, although I know boys can be this way too. Just picky pre-teens.

Sorry if you already stated this, but can you give her an allowance that will allow her to learn the value of money? Not just handing over the allowance, but where she has to earn it by doing chores? My mom always said "okay, well if you want those $50 shoes, you have to earn it". And if I didn't like them in a week, tough. I could always work to earn more allowance to get a second pair.

ETA: I'm sorry I didn't read everything above me and just wanted to say that I don't discount the fact that SID does exist. Wil's ST just told me that she wants Wil to get tested for SID, so I am definitely aware that it is a real thing. But like Monica said, I think that it isn't always the case. I think it is never a bad choice to get it checked out.

Jamison'smama replied: She said that it had been happening since her daughter could talk so it sounds like it may truly be bothering her more than just being picky.

How is she is flip flops--or other open toe shoes? Does she prefer them?

coasterqueen replied: Also, does your daughter walk tippy-toed by any chance? Does she only complain about closed toed shoes - which I think might be what Brenda is getting at with her questions.

I ask because well, for one Kylie walks tippy toed and so shoes bother her a lot, especially shoes with backs on them. Second, Kylie has always preferred to be bare foot or wear shoes that don't have backs, etc. Now that she's in school and they won't let her wear shoes without some sort of back I'd had nothing but complaints from her 24/7. I've bought her 6 pairs of shoes for school and only 2 of them she hasn't complained about. rolleyes.gif It is nerve wrecking, but I also try to remind myself that she has issues with closed toe/back shoes. Where does she get that? From me. tongue.gif Since i was little I hated wearing shoes so I went barefoot everywhere. Still to this day I despise wearing socks and closed type shoes. I'd much rather go barefoot or flip flops of some sort.

NaturalMom replied:
yes she is fine with sandles but you cant wear the backless ones to school especially gym

NaturalMom replied: She is fine with closed toed shoes. she has worn sneakers for years but its just one day they are fine and the next they arent. thats the problem. she is always changing her mind. its not like they are bad from the get go. Thats what drives me crazy and makes me think she is just being difficult?

I talked to her when she just came home and you all are gonna LOVE this. I asked her to put on the shoes when she got home and show me what is wrong. well she says maybe its the socks not the shoes. so i tell her to put them on without the socks. She comes over to me and says they feel like her foot is sqooshed. I felt them and there was room on the sides and the front and the top. So i asked her to show me where they sqooshed her. she says its not the shoes that are sqooshing her feet? i said well then what is it? She says i dont know? lol i said, well if ur feet are sqooshed and they are in the shoes, it has to be the shoes. She keeps telling me its not the shoes? WTF? im gonna scream? what the hell is she talking about. I stayed calm tho and asked her if its not the shoes what does she want me to do about it? buy her new ones? she said no. So basically we have gotten no where and now im thinking she may be nuts. lol

coasterqueen replied:
Well, she might be just being diffult. She might have other issues. She may very well NOT know what is actually bothering her.

Have you tried taking her somewhere where the shoe store actually fits the shoe? KWIM? Like we have a Luers here that sells Stride Rite shoes and they will measure the kids feet and find shoes that feel comfortable to them. Maybe try doing that. dunno.gif

Boo&BugsMom replied:
This is one reason I stated what I did. Along with letting it go on for so long (per the OP quote...not my words). The above tells me this child just is overly picky and wants the next best thing. An 8 year old should not be concerned with how much her clothes cost.

I don't discount a "real" disorder doesn't exsist,
what my point was is that many cases are labeled due to parents not doing their part or letting things slide, period...resulting in children being labeled for no reason. If it's really a medical case, this child would act way more extreme, IMO. And YES I too have seen these instance first hand in the last 7 years of my career....some real, and some clearly are not.

Karen, this situation seems way different than what you describe your daughter having, IMO.

Also, when I said the label is no different than being sensitive, if you ask a doctor what the condition means, the doctor will SAY the child's body is just overly sensitive. rolleyes.gif ALL labels are fancy ways of saying things....it's medical TERMINOLOGY is all. It's not my opinion, it's just fact. It's not discrediting anything exsists! Take a med. terminology class instead of assuming what I'm saying and you'll get what I'm really talking about. wink.gif

NaturalMom replied:
yeah we did have them measure her first. I think im just gonna make her work off the money for these shoes and not buy her anymore and see how it goes. I will try to buy more comfy types like someone suggested. Like keds or vans. Also no more jeans for her. im gonna stick with the cottons. Wish me luck! lol THanks everyone! you have REALLY helped me :-) i love this place already!!!

Mommy2BAK replied: I have no answers to offer you, but I just wanted to to know that we'll be thinking about you and your daughter... I hope you are able to get this issue resloved soon. I'm sure there could be a number of things that are contributing to this, whether it be some sort of medical, or just a girly thing. Anyways, keep us updated and let us know what you figure out! Good Luck! hug.gif

julesmom replied: I am not a big poster, more of a lurker, but I read this and had to post!

My 7 year old has SID. Some days it's worse and some days it's not a problem at all. Some tags bother him, others don't. Same thing with socks.

I think Karen has explained SID very accurately and in an easy to understand way. When I starting reading this, I thought SID right away and was going to post links, but Karen covered it all. happy.gif

Just an idea. An occupational therapist could determine if she has SID.

I am not one to just jump to a "label" so I'll give my other thought.
Could it be that your dd goes to school or sees her friends and they are making fun of whatever she is wearing, so she says it's bothering her? Maybe she thinks it's cool, but she goes to school and the other kids make fun of her and then she's trying to find any reason not to wear it.

As for saying it can't possibly be a medical condition and she is just bratty, etc. My ds is diagnosed with SID, CAPD (central auditory processing disorder), and a handful of learning problems. He also has a memory disorder and ADHD. But he looks like he has nothing wrong with him and his IQ is actually in the gifted range.
Most people would never guess there was a reason for his behaviour, but there is and it's not defiance. He was miserable in school until we found the cause of his behaviour. His teachers now know there is something else going on.
But if we didn't keep looking for an answer, I can't even imagine where my ds would be right now.

You're doing a good job, even though it can be aggravating at times. Believe me, even with the "label", it can still be aggravating! Look into whatever resources are available to you. Hang in there. You'll find a solution that will make both of you happy. Good luck!


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