How would you handle this?

MommyToAshley wrote: Ashley LOVES games, particularly strategy games like checkers. She is very good at them, it's just something she has a natural knack for. I don't want this to come across as a brag, but she almost always beats her friends. Some of her friends have started not wanting to play with her because she always wins, or they will quit when she is winning. She'll play checkers against people she doesn't know in the webkinz game room, but they usually end up quitting on her too. I suspect at this age, kids just don't like to lose. Anyways, I have noticed that Ashley will purposely let people win. I suspected it for some time now as she wasn't winning every time, so I asked her one day why she made a particular move that let the other person jump her. She said, well, if I don't let her win she will quit and not want to play. I explained to her that it is the other person that is being the poor sport. But, not sure what else I should have said or done. She's still letting other people win so that she will have someone to play with. Any thoughts?

PrairieMom replied: I think that is great. It may not be the best way to approach life, but it shows her sensitivity to others feelings, and huge heart. It also shows how smart she is. She knows how to manipulate people to get what she wants. She doesn't NEED to win. she NEEDS someone to play with, and has figured out how to get it.

MommyToAshley replied:
I never really thought of it that way.... THANKS.

mom21kid2dogs replied:
LOVE THIS!!!

msoulz replied: ITA - this is a good sign, and the rest will come with maturity.

I wish my 11 year old son would be so wise. He is hyper competitive and also very talented and not many other kids like to be beaten all of the time. But he will not let someone win. And sometimes there isn't anyone else to play with.

MommyToAshley replied:
I think I am like your son. I am very competitive, which is why I never thougth to look at it that way.

MommytoKKC replied: I agree with the comment that it is more important to have the friend to play with, rather then winning. I think this is something that older silbings learn really quick. If they want their younger brother/sister to play with them, they have to let them win sometimes. Nobody wants to play with someone where they never win. That's just not any fun. Games are really more all about the interaction with the other person.

Nina J replied: I agree with Tara. It is a game, and alot of the fun comes from simply playing, whether or not she wins. She just wants someone to play with, I think it is quite nice.

Although I would be sure to let her know that letting other people win isn't something you want to always do.

Have you thought of getting other games, too? Have you got Othello/Reversi? That is a good one, especially if she enjoys checkers. It could make it a bit more challenging as well as fun.

jcc64 replied: Ita with the others. She's not only smart and strategic, but she's an astute student of the human psyche. Good for her. It's clear companionship trumps absolute supremacy to her, and I'd be happy about that--it's very evolved for a 7 yo.

raven092177 replied: ok i have to slightly disagree here. i mean sure while i can see her allowing the others to win on occassion in order to be a good sport and give others a chance being a good thing i can also see where it could turn into a not so good thing. i mean these people aren't really beating her she's allowing them to win and therefor they're not really learning anything. also i'd be concerned that if she feels that she's got to 'lose' in order to keep friends then what's going to happen when she gets older and starts likeing boys. what if she's better then some boy she likes at insert whatever game or such here and he dosen't like that. would it still be ok for her to do less than her best just so he'd 'like her'?

i'm not saying what she's doing is neccessarily bad i'm just saying if it were me i'd make sure she knew the difference in occassionally letting someone win to be a good sport and letting someone win all the time just so they'll like her.

coasterqueen replied:
I tend to sway this way as well. I agree how will the other children ever know or learn to be good at something if someone lets them win. We don't let our children just win at games - we want them to keep practicing and improve to be better at something and they wouldn't learn that if they already think they are good at it by winning when they shouldn't.

I dunno. I agree with both ways.

MommyToAshley replied: We don't let Ashley win at games either, which is why I don't think she gets upset if she loses. I mean, of course she doesn't like to lose, but it just makes her more motivated to try again.

I worry about her reasons for letting her friends win too. She is a people-pleaser, and letting her friends win is just another example of that. The fact that she wants to please others makes her very easy to parent at this age, but I worry about it when she gets older, especially the teenage years.

coasterqueen replied:
We have the same problem Dee Dee. Kylie is such a people pleaser and I'm afraid she's going to be taken advantage of when she's older. She will do anything for anyone and is constantly giving things to her friends, things I really think she should keep herself, etc. Ryan and I haven't yet figured out how to deal with this, though.