How would you feel...

A&A'smommy wrote: If your husband had friends and you didnt...im sad and jealous of my own husband. He has people over all the time he can talk with them, smoke (i dont do that to bad of a habbit to start it up again plus i dont want my baby smelling that on me) hang out, and just do stuff he likes to do. I dont have anyone to do anything with i dont even have a friend around here that i can call and talk to...and i really hate it! Im so lonely sometimes it drives me crazy. And he is always asking if someone can spend the night and he KNOWS im going to say no i didnt even look at him the last time he asked..but first of all he isnt a little kid he doesnt need someone to spend the night with him when he has me (it hurts my feelings thats my sacred time with him) secondly i cant sleep when other people are here at night thirdly he doesnt come to be until like four o'clock in the morning when his friends are over and lastly i have found porn on the computers when his friends have spent the night and i dont want that going on in my house on my computer! So am i making sense or am i being selfish?
I really wish i had a close friend around here..someone i could hang out with, someone i could go shopping with, a GIRL that i can talk to that is going to understand me. Its hard for me to find friends because i dont trust many people and it take a lot for me to trust someone else but i know that if i open up to them right away that i can probably alway trust them. I have pretty good instincts in that area...but it really hurts that i dont have any close to me besides my husband. do any of you have this problem or do you care that you dont have any friends? Dh just pushed me to tell him what i was talking to you about and i started crying so now i think he feels bad...he feels bad for me anyways..im stuck at home all the time just me and my baby i dont have anyone to help me besides my mom and i dont want toask her to come clean my house or watch the baby while i clean the house unless i really have to..so i clean the house good (sometimes) on the weekends so dh can help. Sometimes i think that i dont care that i dont have any friends but i do care its not fun being lonely...dh doesnt understand everything and he cant help that he isnt a girl. He is a good husband and friend and daddy (when he wants to be) but as far as being a "girl" friend he cant do that. Well sorry im complaining but i need someone to talk to i get tired of crying about things to dh it just makes me feel guiltly like im trying to get attention or something but i know you girls know better. Thanks for listening!!!

aspenblue1 replied: I am so sorry. I know that can be hard. Most of my friends now are my DH friends wives. It's hard when you needs someone to talk to or just hang out with and there isnt anybody around. I know a lot of people have meet friends in play groups.

I have the same issues with trust. It takes a long time for me to trust anyone.

MomToMany replied: I've BTDT. I was young, too, when I had my first baby. I didn't have a single "girl" friend to talk to, even though I was still going to high-school. Nobody wanted to be friends with a teenager with a baby. So, I just stayed home all the time feeling sorry for myself, until I realized how unhealthy that was. I started going to the library with the kids, taking them to the park, and other things just to get out of the house. It made me feel so much better. Then I met the girlfriend of one of X-H's friends (who had 4 kids), and found a friend that I was looking for. Most of my friends are the wives/girlfriends of DH's friends. Not quite the same as having your own friends, but it's someone to share experiences and troubles with.

Sorry you are feeling like that. I wish there was more I could do for you.

jem0622 replied: I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I think that it is healthy for your DH to have time with the guys. As it is good for you to have time with the girls. Do you have a Mom's Club in your area? Any playgroups that meet at local churches? That would be a great way to find a niche for yourself and they do Mom's night stuff a lot.

I don't think your DH has his head straight on about asking for people to stay over. And he should stop asking. He has a wife and a daughter.

If you don't want porn viewed in your home (or on your PC anyway) then you could certainly install a security filter that doesn't allow it. Or use an internet company that will filter it out for you.

HUGS
Julie

Kirstenmumof3 replied: When my DH and I first got married that's how it was. My DH was always working, always involved in these "clubs" and I was always alone with the baby. When I had my first baby I never thought to go looking for a PlayGroup but after my second and third baby were born I realize that this is what saved me! You should try to find a playgroup in your area, just to be around other moms. It might take you a while to find a friend, but at least you will have other moms to talk to! And I agree totally with you, your DH is not a child anymore, he does not need his friends spending the night!

ediep replied: so sorry you are feeling like that. I agree with trying to find a play group or something like that. I went to a newborn parenting class when Jason was just a few weeks old. It was run by the same place that does lamaze classes. You may be able to call you local hospital or wellness center to see if there is one available. I also went to baby and me class that was when Jason was a few months old. Your local library may have a story time that you could take Alyssa to. Even though she is still too young to really enjoy the story, you may enjoy getting out and I'm sure there will be other Mommies there.

Good Luck!!

kimberley replied: sorry you are feeling down i have totally BTDT with my first but what was worse is that Jacob's dad and i were not on good terms either. he always had his stupid friends over playing play station and drinking beer til all hours of the night while i was completely alone with the baby. he didn't work, he didn't clean up, he didn't do much of anything except act like a sloth. i know how hard it can be.

ITA with everyone else. find a playgroup or even the library to meet other moms. unfortunately i never did anything like that cuz we had no money and i was too depressed to do anything. i didn't actually start making any friends until i decided to go back to school when jacob was 3. his dad actually opposed it, but i went back anyway. i found a daycare in my school, got jacob in and graduated in 1 1/2 years. it was the best thing i ever did for myself. you are not being selfish at all. you may be a mom now, but that is not all you are. you need "Jessyann" time too.

as for the porn, it doesn't bother me personally unless it becomes chronic. i would rather have him look at the odd site with some friends than be out in a strip club or worse... with someone else. JMO.

i hope you find something great soon cuz you deserve it! we are always here for you too.

mummy2girls replied: Hun, I am in the somewhat same position right now...I dont have any friends other than arons(jens dad) sister. I talk to her on the phone when i need to talk. But other than that i have no friends to come over and keep me company. I have my mom also but i dont want to depend on her as a girl to chat withLOL. look into some playgroups around the area you live in. You may meet some really nice woman and start friendships Im sending you some big HUGS

As for your hubby asking for friends to stay over...Its pretty inconsiderate for him to keep asking. Expecially because he is married and isnt a kid anymore where he needs buddies over. And you and Alyssa dont need guys over till 4 in the morning with noise going on. When i stayed with my brother when jenna was first born until she was 4 months old he always on the weekends wanted his buddies ver to drink and probably smoke. I did not want Jenna around smelling all that smoke and listening to all the noise so i ended up staying at my moms...

coasterqueen replied: I kinda know how you feel. Dh and I grew up together, went to school together, hung out together, so all of our friends are OUR friends. Most of them being guys because I could never really get along with girls enough to have any CLOSE girlfriends. I could always trust guys a lot better. So being that all my friends (or most of them) are guys I don't really have anyone to talk girl stuff with or go shopping with

I do have a few girl friends, but most of them don't have children and we have seemed to lost touch since then because they want to go out dancing til 3 in the morning and those are not my priorities anymore.

My DH likes to stay up late drinking with our friends which leaves me to go to bed early so I can be up early with Kylie. MEN are JUST VERY FRUSTRATING. Grrrr. LOL.

Wish I had some advice for you, but I don't I can offer (((((HUGS)))) though.

3xsthefun replied: I'm pretty much in the same boat as you. I don't have any friends. Well I did have one but we sort of stopped hanging around each other. She moved away last month. And it pretty much sucks. Even though we weren't really talking that much for the past 6 months it still sucks. Now that she is gone I really don't have anyone to talk to. I haven't heard from her since she's moved either She said she'd call when she got all settled in. Maybe she hasn't had the time.

Anyways, I have a hard time making friends also. I've tried to with some of my husband's friends and their wives. But I really don't have much in common with them. And I have such a hard time thinking of something to talk to them about. I'm a pretty shy person. And I don't think it is helping me much that I stay home most of the time with my girls. I'm just scared to death what people will think of me. That is my problem too. I don't have much self esteem. And you know what it is not funny. I'm always think someone thinks I'm dumb or something. So mostly I just keep to myself.

I do try to talk to people and be friendly. But it is just really hard to trust anyone. I'm afraid they'll go around and talk behind my back. Ugh...I really don't know what to tell you. I think all I'm doing is rambling now.

I'll just send you some hugs maybe that will help.

Heather replied: I sort of know how you feel. I am the only one of out of my group of friends that is married and has children. It is so hard to keep up with them through it all. They have thier careers keeping htem busy I have my Alison, hubby and my career taking up my time. We rarely have time to talk on the phone. It gets lonely sometimes. I would suggest a mommies group or something like that as well! Hopefully, you feel a little better soon! Big hugs.

paradisemommy replied: i know exactly how you feel..all of my family and friends are on the mainland and besides dh's family (which they don't live very close), i am all by myself. i've made friends here and there, mostly people that i work with but not the type of friends that you can call and just hang out with. i go through times when i am really lonely and wish i had someone too and cry but it's not so bad now thai i have taven because he is my whole world. my dh is wonderful and i guess i am lucky in a sense that he is a homebody too but every now and then he goes out with his friends (which are co-workers) and they ALWAYS go to a strip bar because that is what they like to do. it makes me wish i had friends that i could go out to a bar with every now and then but then again, part of me is over that stage of my life and just likes to be home with my family..

anyways..sorry for rambling..just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. i do wish i could find another mom to hang out with every now and then. maybe if you start going to the park or someplace where other mommy's go you could find someone to be friends with! good luck..

and just remember - you always have us!!

jcc64 replied: Hey JessyAnn,
Adjusting to being a family rather than just a couple is a HUGE accomplishment. CArrying the baby around in your belly for 9 months was an obvious reminder to you that things were going to change, but he could and probably did forget about it from time to time. I know my dh did. So, some of this behavior you're describing is probably his struggle to internalize what you're already used to. He's trying to reconcile the old him with the new him (aka Daddy). I know you want him to jump into your new life 24/7, but try to be patient. I think the drive to have friends is a healthy one, as long as you both set boundaries that you can live with (I wouldn't be happy with the sleepovers either). It's hard enough to get used to being a family without an audience. Surely he can have his fun during more reasonable hours. But don't make him the only game in town for you. That's too much pressure for one person, and it's gonna strain your relationship. Some of the other ladies had great ideas for finding moms like you. Put some effort into reaching out. You'll feel better, and be less emotionally dependant on dh. Good luck, you're doing great, it's not easy!

jen replied: I was reading all the other posts and I totally agree with Jeanne! It will just take time it sounds like. My best wishes to you!!!

mckayleesmom replied: The only friend I have out here is off her rocker...

A&A'smommy replied: thanks so much guys for the encouragement!!! Im thinking about going back to church i know there are a few girls there that are in the same position as me! I have got to find some friends this is way to much for me i hate being sad all the time its just not healthy..so someway im going to make a friend in at least the next month its my goal!!

jcc64 replied: Good for you JessyAnn, church sounds like a good place to start. Try to remember that it's normal to feel depressed and overwhelmed, and the best thing you can do is keep reaching out. We're always here for you.

A&A'smommy replied:
not you werent rambling because i feel the same way you do...only i do say some things to try and keep from being left out but what i usually end up saying gets contridicted and i end up feeling stupid and like im about to cry. I did have one friend to she was my best friend we did EVERYTHING together especially in the summer of 2002 because i had just gotten out of a serious and very painful relationship and i was EXTREMELY depressed and she helped me get out of that. When i first started dating my dh we planned one night a week without her and usually we ended up picking her up, well now she is so far stuck up this other girls butt (this girl has a car and she drives her around) that she never comes to see me exept once every two weeks and the only thing i know to talk about it Alyssa and i try not to do to much of that since a lot of people get bored listening about other people children (at least when they dont have any) and she talks about what she did last weekend and its usually a lot and it makes me SOOO jealous because i dont get to be a kid anymore i have to be an adult while me ex-best friend is out getting drunk with her b/f and her new bff. Also i have always had a hard time trusting people i would try to be "best" friends with girls when i was a young teen but most of the time that ended up in a hate hate relationship so when i got to be about 16 i quit trying to make friends with other girls now i dont have any friends. I did try to be friends with that other girl again recently but whenever i would call she was NEVER home and her new bff doesnt like me (she gets jealous when ashley and i talk about old times and she is affraid i will steal her back) so i just gave up she is only 16 and some of the things she does (that i use to do) sound kinda stupid and immature to me now and i sorta tell her that (in different words) but not on purpose i just tend to tell people what i think. anyways now im know im babbling so im going to try and go to bed now. Lots of love!!

jcc64 replied: Hi JessyAnn,
If I were you, I would not invest too much time in your friend that's 16. It sounds like you're in 2 different worlds now, which I guess you really are. Your interests are too different now. I really encourage you to find other girls like you, if that's possible, other young moms. And it's ok to be jealous and miss your old life and want to be a teenager again. You grew up very fast and it's only natural that you would miss the "old" you. That's probably what your dh is feeling too, and why he keeps seeking out his buddies. I know it doesn't seem possible now, but when you adjust to motherhood a little more, and when the baby is a little older, you will be able to get out and have fun again. You might have to work out a taking turns arrangement with dh, you might have to ask family to babysit on a semi-regular basis, but it's important to figure out a way to reconnect with the old you once and awhile. And to have a life away from dh. I know you said it's difficult to make friends with other girls. I would start with your church. They'd probably be less likely to be out running around with boys and getting drunk all the time, right? And most hospitals have resources for new moms like yourself. The one I delivered my kids at had a new moms group meet right there at the hospital once a week. It's a good place to start. Keep posting.