How to handle this? - children's questions of race

amynicole21 wrote: My friend's 3yo dd was at the playground yesterday and there were a bunch of African American kids she didn't know playing there. She stopped playing at one point and went up to her grandmother and said she didn't like playing with brown kids. She'd never even indicated that she noticed a difference before that. Later last night my friend and her mom started asking her questions about it and she said she didn't like kids that looked different than her. My friend said "you know baby Sophia is brown, right?" and she said, "yes, but baby Sophia is my friend. Those kids aren't." My friend said "baby Sophia's daddy is brown and you like him." And her dd again said yes, she likes him a lot, but she doesn't like the other kids. As far as my friend knows, there aren't any kids at her daycare that have been mean to her or anything, and she asked her dd who taught her that and she said she made it up "in her own head." So, my friend doesn't know how to further handle the situation. They've already given the speach that everybody looks different on the outside, but it's what is inside that counts. They pointed out that Dora is not the same color as her, and even my friend's complection is much darker than her dd's, but it really isn't working. Any ideas?

Boy, am I not looking forward to dealing with stuff like this later on!

kimberley replied: that is odd because that is not something a child will just come up with on her own. maybe grandparents or other adults she heard talking? i think the way your friend handled it is just fine. i would definitely try to find the root of the problem... where she learned it from. good luck.

ediep replied: yikes!!!! I think I would handle it exactly like your friend did. Everything she said sounds perfect to me. Good Luck to her!

kit_kats_mom replied: Gosh, starting with the hard questions early eh?

I don't have any suggestions since I've not had to have that discussion yet but I'm sure there are some good reccomendations online.

Maybe she's just noticing that people are different (isn't 3 the age when they really realize boys and girls are different too?) and it is perfectly natural for anyone to be trepedatious about people and situations that are different than their norm....shoot, we wouldn't have had wars throughout the ages, if everyone were just accepting that others are different and they were ok with that.

I would not tell her that it's "wrong" to be uncomfortable around other people because if that's how she feels, she needs those feelings validated. Again, it's just human nature....gosh, I don't know Amy. That's hard.

coasterqueen replied: I wish I had some advice for you but I don't. I know I will have to deal with it someday because our school system is primarily white. I only remember one african american in our school the whole entire time I was there and she wasn't there very long. I don't know why this is, but I'm sure I will have to deal with these things when Kylie encounters others not like her not in the school system, etc.

Anyways....I tend to agree with Kimberley. This doesn't sound like something a child will make up on their own. I grew up with a very racist father who basically instilled in me that it was wrong to like african americans. It was never something I decided was wrong on my own. It wasn't til I got older that I realized that this was the wrong mentality to have. Anyways, it could be a grandparent or someone teaching her this. I would definitely see if she can find the root of the problem. It sounds like she did handle this very well though.

jcc64 replied: It sounds like your friend handled it very well. I guess I wouldn't necessarily assume the child is hearing this at home. Some kids are just more vocal about noticing and verbalizing differences. My son used to point out really fat people, we weren't trashing fat people at home- he was just making an observation. The fact that she attached some negativity to the difference is the thing that needs to be addressed, and it sounds like your friend did just that.

Kaitlin'smom replied: I would also agree they dont just make thing like that up on there own she deffinalty heard it someplace. I also dont have much advice. I do know my grandfather (who passed away when I was young) intilled in my mother not to like them, and she had that for a long time until she was much older and abtained some very good friends. I also only had a few in HS and i was friend with one of them he was such a sweetie. It will be hard but I hope to teach Kaitlin not to judge people based on what they look like.

MommyToAshley replied: I could be totally wrong, but I think it could be that she has noticed the difference on her own. If she had used a derogatory term, then that would be different, she would have had to have heard it some place.

Sounds to me like your friend handled it perfectly. I would just keep saying the same things, and hopefully the phase will pass quickly.

My2Beauties replied: Wow that is a toughie! Sounds like your friend asked all the right questions and she is trying to probe to see if she heard any bad terms from anyone. Some kids do notice things like that on their own and are weary of people that do not look like them unless they have known them their whole life.

I would tell your friend to keep doing what she is doing and hopefully this phase will pass quickly.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Kids are so funny! You never know what they are going to do or say. I think your friend did the right thing. It could very well be that they were mean to her on the playground. I know Maddie doesn't like to admit when kids are mean to her most of the time. I don't know what age this little girl is, but Maddie is at the age where they start forming cliques and association is really important to her. She always says "Jennie is Olivia's friend or Julie is Kyle's friend." This little girl could have felt left out if these other kids formed a clique. You really never know. Luckily we haven't had to deal with racial issues yet, but we do get "Kaitlyn doesn't like me or I don't like Madeline anymore." They go through this. Maddie has a little cousin who is half African American and half white. She says "Andrea is brown." They get along really well and love each other so much. Kids are smart, they notice things. They are taught to point out differences. It is our job to socialize them and teach them to respect others not based on race or financial status, but b/c they are human and they have feelings, too. It sounds like your friend is doing just that.

I just read where she is 3. That is when Maddie started her "I don't like" phase. It will pass.

Kirstenmumof3 replied: I don't know how I would handle this! I think just keep explaining to her that everyone is different, it's what's on the inside that counts. Maybe something happened to her that she doesn't want to say! That's a bit puzzling for her to come up with that on her own!

KatieLeigh79 replied: Another thing to maybe try and show her is that if she doesn't like playing with someone with "brown skin" how would she feel if they didn't like playing with her because her skin is white... Sounds like a strange way to do it but in the daycare I worked with before that was what seemed to work best when kids would start in on the "your funny looking" stage... and when we got them to realize that everyone would have no one to play with if they started acting like that it quickly went away... hopefully this makes sense In time it will pass though, granted as they age some people just make me so mad... last time we took a bus downtown (easier to get to then driving the busy roads with construction) there was a woman that wouldn't sit on the seat that was open because there was an older black man sitting there, I wanted to smack her silly but bit my lip when the comment she made to the man when he kindly offered to let her sit by him was "No thankyou I don't associate with people of your type" .... Good luck though!

DansMom replied: Wow---I don't look forward to this stuff either. I think there is some normal "difference noticing" at that age, and maybe for some kids there is a fearful or non-trusting aspect to this, but education and positive experiences reinforced over time should go a long way. It sounds like your friend knows how to proceed.

It's possible too that this group of kids did intimidate or exclude her in some way, even if it was unintentional---being older and playing more roughly than she's used to, something like that? In our local park, after school lets out, groups of older kids kind of descend and take over the neighborhood playground in such a physically dynamic and vocal way that younger kids and toddlers get intimidated.

Josie83 replied: That is so hard . . . I don't really have any advice, having not been in this situation before. BUT I can't believe that she made this up herself, there must be a reason why!! Kids aren't born prejudiced, it has to be learnt. I would suggest that they do a lot of explaining and make sure that the little girl is exposed to materials and toys that are multiracial, like having a white and a black dolly or books with kids of different races in. I don't know apart form that tho, sorry xx

Alice replied: I think it IS possible that she came up with it by herself. Kids that little tend not to like anything that is different from themselves and what/who they already know.

All I would suggest is some gentle indroctination-- no heavy discussions. Put on Little Bill when possible, and get one or two of his books-- then make no notice of his race. Do a muti-cultural Barbie thing for Christmas-- try for a black barbie, and whatever other permutations you can come up with. Rent Pocohantas &/or Alladin, and hit the Disney Store for their $10 dolls.

MomofJandB replied: My DD said the same thing when she was in preschool. I truly believe she just noticed the differences and didn't understand it. My DD has very curly hair and I asked her what if someone didn't like you because you had curly hair (I tried to stay away from the race concept and give her a simpler one) She thought that was crazy. THen i pointed out she was saying the same thing only referring to the persons color. She got the point.

I believe it is just a stage. She ended up with African American best friends in both Kindergarten and First Grade.

Your friend handled it great!

Also, if she sees her parents talking and playing with these children, it may help her understand that differences are ok!

Boys r us replied: i'm with Kit Kats mom on this one. I don't think she's necessarily been tainted by anyone, she's just noticed that there is a difference. If she's grown up knowing Sophia then Sophia is just Sophia, but when she's introduced to a new group of people whom she's not been around before and there are differences, then I think it's natural..and she IS old enough to observe those differences all on her own. This is something every parent will have to deal with, be it differences with African american children or boy/girl or even just a large birth mark of some sort...there are a million and one things that kids will pick up on that make others different and the color of skin is just one and it's going to happen whether the child comes from an openly diverse family or a not so diverse family. It's natural and I think tat your friend handled it great! There really isn't much more that she can do or say than she already has!