How to convince parents to move

mysweetpeasWil&Wes wrote: This has been on my mind a lot lately and it gets me really depressed. Do you think it's important your kids are around family a lot? I do. I see that my nieces learn so much from my parents because they take them to the zoo or camping, or my mom watches them during the week. And no one will ever love your kids as much as you do except their grandparents, right? I want Wil to have that too.

So how do I convince my parents to move closer to us? Rich and I moved out of state from where my parents live about 6 years ago. At the time, we were not even married and took a huge risk, but we've made it. We got great jobs here in Colorado and decided it was our home. And of course got married and started a family. But I miss my family tremendously! Especially when I'm PG! I'm sick of having to update my mom via email or phone, or the fact she never really sees Wil's milestones. We have a webcam, but it's not IRL! You all know the awful delay too!

My parents always give US a hard time about living far away, but they live in Santa Barbara, the wealthiest part of CA! You can't buy a condo for under $800K there and here we have a four bedroom home! You all know I SAH, but there, we would both be working our tails off just to make our mortgage! NOT FUN! So I'm trying to find ways to persuade them to move here...Any advice?

The pros and cons: My parents bought back in the 70s and this is why they can afford to live where they live. If they moved, they could probably never afford to move back there, but they could buy maybe 3 rental properties here! My sister and her kids live there, and so does my mom's mom, so they would be leaving them, but my dad is retired now and I think it's only fair I get them now! My sister gets so much help and I admit, I'm jealous. My parents are at EVERY birthday, every ballet performance! And I'm the one who gets the pictures in the mail!

Sorry this has become more of a vent...but I just miss them so much these days! It truly makes me sick to my stomach...

luvmykids replied: Boy do I sympathize! My dad and stepmom live in San Diego and bought about 20 years ago, if they sold they could make a killing and buy cash properties here and retire! We only see them every few years and I hate it. hate it hate it.

DH's mom and stepdad live 12 hours away, and are trying to move closer and they're better about visiting, but I hate that everytime they see the kids they have to get to know each other all over again.

DH's dad lives 3 hours away, which is still too far. My mom, luckily for now, is only minutes away but we'll be moving again and be 3 hours from her and 6 from DH's dad.

It kills me, b/c DH's dad is Colt's hero, role model, everything Colt wants to be. And they only see each other occasionally, it kills Colt when he wants to just hop in the car and go see them. He actually cries b/c he misses them so much and it's heartbreaking!

I remember how important my gparents were in my life, I saw them daily, at the worst case every few days. They shaped me and influenced me as much as my parents did. I know lots of families live far apart and get by, but I can't do it. There's a different dynamic, IMO, when they get to be more involved.

eta: Didn't mean to overtake your post, I guess I needed a vent too!

kayla's mama replied: I can totally agree with you. We are 5 hrs away from my parents and I miss them so much. They do come down to visit us about once a month since we had Kayla but its still not the same. I miss that we can't call up and say "hey we're coming over, Whats for dinner" It is so heart breaking that they miss out on all the milestones and have to hear about it over the phone or email.

Sorry I made that all about me. I just wanted you to know that you are not the only one who feels that way.

I really don't have any advice on how to get them to move. Hang in there


eta:

ITA!!!!!

fashionmumofboys replied: Sorry, don't have any advice to offer here, as my family all lives within walking distance to me, but just wanted to give you some

MyBlueEyedBabies replied: First I'm sorry your lonely amd missing your parents
My parents are here half time and CA the other half. My guess Is it doesn't really matter what you say to your parents because you moved away to do what was best for your family but for them to move they will be choosing you and your family over your sister and her family and the rest of their lives how could they possibly do that.
My parents moved here thinking they would like it...not to be near anyone in particular (We were still in CA at the time in the middle of our "5 year plan") They are miserable especially my mom because their lives are in California as are their friends and family (except my sisters and I are all out of CA now) Now they are trying to figure out how to move back w/o loosing everything. They had a beautiful house in a fairly expensive area, they have great and expensive of CO standards house here but to sell they would be lucky to be able to afford a condo in the same area. I know selfishly it is easy to say I want them near me ( I say it now because the evil woman (sorry my mom) is gone half the time and has managed to miss every birthday, and party in the last year or so. BUt being where she is makes her happy so it is better ofr her.
Sorry and I know you just want your parents.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:

Well said. Although I didn't have my gparents super close growing up, they were still maybe an hour or so away and they were ALWAYS at special occasions or over on weekends. I loved that time with them! And I know a lot of what's made me "me" has come from being around them, kwim?

It's so true about how kids have to get to know their gparents all over again each visit. Wil is still too young to remember, but as soon as he's really warming up to them and having a ball, we have to leave. Flying to CA from CO gets expensive and both my parents and DH and I just don't have the money to do it that often.

Thanks for reading...

luvmykids replied: I'm sorry, I know it sucks a lot.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: Thanks Lisa! That's a good perspective on it...I would be afraid my parents would hate it out here, plus I agree, I could never ask them to leave my sister and her kids. It was totally our choice to move away, so I guess that's the price we have to pay, but truthfully, we would never make it there even if we never moved. I see all my friends from HS struggling out there. I guess we could sacrifice what we have now to be closer to them, because I know a bigger house and all is just "stuff", but I selfishly don't want to live in a one bedroom apartment paying $2500 a month?! That's totally what it would be!

coasterqueen replied: Sorry, I'm not much help. We stayed in this town (I'd rather be somewhere else, lol, or least give somewhere else a try) to be close to family. We wanted our kids to be close to their relatives so we settled here. Course Dh wanted to too, but I know I could have convinced him to move somewhere else if I could have. At least we are in the school district we wanted to be in.

coasterqueen replied: Adding you mentioned you couldn't make it there where your parents live but could you move closer to them, but not in the expensive city they are in? That way you are only a few hours or even less, which is cheaper than a plane flight.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
We could, but even the cities on the outskirts of Santa Barbara are getting really expensive. Santa Ynez used to be an area of town where you could still by cheap, but now it's all Hollywood wine country (if you've seen the movie Sideways) and it made the prices shoot up! Go figure! DH's company has a branch about an hour away where the homes are a little less (in Ventura county), so that's an option if he ever gets transferred, but it wouldn't be the same lifestyle we have here. You're still talking a small house in the 600's or more. I'm more than willing to work if that's what we have to do, but I definitely think it would take a lot more than me just going back to work to live anywhere close. My sister got lucky and lived rent free for 10 years in her in-laws rental there. Now they live in a brand new home they built, but on the plot of land her in-laws gave them, so she can fortunately do it.

My mom actually told me once that they would move here in a heartbeat if it didn't mean leaving my sister's family. I understand, but it still bums me out.

Sorry to keep rambling

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I'm so sorry you are homesick, Rae. We chose to move away from my parents and honestly, it was the BEST decision we ever made. I'm not comfort since I really can't relate. The only thing I CAN relate to is the fact that my mother spends more time with her other grandchildren. But, that was the case when we lived there, too. They are more 'needy' and she will always feel like she has to do more for them. I'm glad we don't live by them anymore...although we are only 2 hours away.

I didn't mean to turn this into my own vent, sorry. How do your parents feel about moving? This may be something they look into in the future...you never know.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
Thanks Aimee. My mom says she wants to move here sometimes, but it's always a "maybe", never a for sure. I hear more complaints about us not being there, which stinks because they know we can't afford it. My sister has her in-laws living just next door, so I guess that's why I'm a bit jealous she gets both sets for her kids. But again, it was our decision to move. I imagine when my sister's girls are older and maybe my grandma passes, then maybe my parents will move. But I've known my parents to never take much risk in their lives, they are pretty conservative, so it's pretty doubtful.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Yeah, my parents really need to get away from my brother and his dead beat wife. But, they will never leave that town, either. There's just nothing there for anyone and yet they made the decision to stay there when they were younger instead of move and make something more of themselves. I feel like they settled. I know my parents will never move here...we don't 'need' them...does that make sense? We are fine on our own and my brother needs them. They go where they are needed. We moved away 5 years ago and my mom STILL harps on me for moving and wants us to move back. We couldn't make a living there and she knows it. I hate that town anyway.

There I go hijacking your thread again.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
You're not hijacking at all! I like your input. You know, I thought about this at one time...that I guess my sister "needs" my parents more than I do. Which is funny because I'm the younger one and has always had more issues in my life. But at the same time, I've always been more independent. My sister has dinner with my parents at least once a week and still takes the girls and spends the night there if her DH is out of town. She's scared to be alone although her in-laws are just up the hill. I on the other hand just told my mom today that DH is going out of town in a couple weeks and she was like "are you going to be okay alone?" or she freaks out when I tell her it's snowing outside and I'm going to go grocery shopping.

So you have a good point! Being away from my parents has given me the confidence to do a lot on my own. So there's good and bad sides of everything.

coasterqueen replied: Well not sure what to say then. I know you say you can't afford it, but it's really a position of you can't afford the lifestyle you are accustomed to there, right? You would have to decide which is more important, your lifestyle or your parents close to you and your children. Both difficult choices, but ones we have to make sometimes, unfortunately.

Hopefully someday your parents will want to move there. I know I'm very happy my parents are right down the road and very close to my kids. Even though I wanted to live down south where we went to college and where are very very close friends are, it was the right decision to move home....but don't tell my Dh that. lol.

Who knows, maybe when your second one is born and your parents see him, they'll be convinced they need to be closer to you.

edit for spelling

~~*Missi*~~ replied: All i want to say is I HOPE and PRAY this works out for you because I believe having grandparents near is very very important.
I hope this works out in what ever way will benefit you both and especially Will.

My family house is my mom my dad my husband and us! We all live together and its the greatest thing, it started off as a temp thing that we ALL loved and became permanent!

I truly am wishing you the best!

amymom replied: I totally understand. It is like the double edge sword.
My circumstances are different (and a long story); But my mom and dad and Dh's dad are all deceased now. And we live with my DH's mom. But she is 87 and not very motherly or grandmotherly but the kids love having her around.

I very much understand your wanting mom nearby especially when you have young children and/or are pregnant. JUst lots of hugs for you.

3_call_me_mama replied: Dh is an only. And i moved him 6 hours from his family and all he's known. Buti wanted to be close to my parents and family (I was homesick when i was away)
His parents recently bought a house about 5 minutes form us but haven't moved yet. I am glad they decided that they are missing out on so much of teh kids lives adn moved here btu I also feel guilty havign them give up 50 years of life that they have built. It is never an easy decision especialy in your case with other grandchildnre involved. Maybe some longer vacations with them. (Lie you and rich and boys go visit for a week at a time so they can do teh fun things with your kids too and as teh kids get older they will enjoy the things that some other grandkids dont' get. Letters, mail, long weekends to see grandma etc. that they wouldn't necessarily do if they lived close!

HUGS and hope you home sickness passes!