How do I get my 2yr old to stop biting me? - my mum thinks I should bite him back!!!!

gabriella wrote: Sam, did it again today. He just came up to me, knelt down and bit through my trousers. .....that soooooo hurt!!! This is his latest trick. The thing about Sam is, he's unremitting, constantly demanding my attention. He will play happily with puzzles and games, but only by my side. He will enjoy bathtime with daddy, but only whilst I'm in the bathroom with them. Otherwise, he'll scream the place down for mummy He's great with other kids, and loves to be around older children at the park, but 2-4hrs a day in the outdoors doesn't fill his day! I guess the biting is his way of saying,"stop reading, typing, cooking mummy because I want your attention now!"

When can I expect him to amuse himself more? I guess 2yrs is still too young and how do I stop him from biting? My mum said to me this morning, "just bite him back, and hard enough for him to feel it!". Well I said I wasn't sure about that, and didn't really want to. She went on to say,"he doesn't understand it when you put him in the time out corner, he's forgotten already why he's there". I'm not going to bite him back,- but how do I get him to understand that biting is unacceptable? So far he's be given two minutes in the corner and spoken to. "No biting, mummy angry!" Will this get through, if I stick to it? Should I do or say more?

This age and stage is amazing just when you think you've made a break through with one thing, something else raises it's ugly head. Boy what fun

lisar replied: I am with your Mom bite him back NOT hard just enough for him to know what it feels like. I done it with both of my girls and needless to say my 21month old doesnt bite anymore. And it didnt take but 2 or 3 times before she got the hint.

Jamison'smama replied: Kids at 2 don't completely grasp the hurting mommy thing. It's not that he is trying to hurt you but get attention using a way he knows works. They are also going through the molar cutting and everything is oral.

What is usually recommended is to walk away from your child when they bite, give them the opposite of what they are wanting. They want attention, they get ignored. You can let him know he hurt mommy but he may not comptely understand what that means.

I don't recommend biting them back.

DansMom replied: Daniel went through this phase. I highly recommend the cold shoulder approach on top of sticking with what you're doing. Time out and "NO BITE!". After the time out, the cold shoulder until he looks at you with worried face. Then repeat "no biting, that hurts mommy". I think if you bite back, you run the risk of him learning that biting is an appropriate response when you feel angry. Depending on how verbal he is, remind him to use words. The time outs do work, but it takes a while at this age. Biting is a phase that will get better---it never occurs to Daniel now.

It does sound like this is aggression-based, but is he also getting his two-year molars? Sometimes that's part of it too.

redchief replied: I agree with the cold shoulder approach too. At two, I think returning the bite only sends the incorrect message that this is acceptable behavior.

Boo&BugsMom replied: Sorry, I'd have to agree with Lisa on this one. My son bit me, I bit him back, and it stopped him dead in his tracks. He was younger than 2 even. My mother did the same with me and it worked. At 2, they know better and understand when something hurts. Kids aren't dumb, they know. I've dealt with many biters at this age. I don't do the sugar coated discpline, I'm pretty old fashioned, but that's just me.

And just an FYI...no it did not damage him mentally or send a mixed signal. It told him "if you do this to me, you're getting your own medicine back so you better stop doing it". Also...biting usually occurs more in kids who don't know how to properly communicate their feelings. In any case, he needs to be showed how to properly communicate to you when he's upset as well. At 2, he should be able to learn that. Tell him what he needs to do instead of the biting, show him the alternatives. Good luck and I hope it stops. Biting can be a hard thing to deal with and can seem like an endless cycle.

Jamison'smama replied: I want to say that if you decide to do the biting back form of teaching...be careful with how hard you bite. One of my first clients as a social worker was a mom that bit her daughter back...not meaning to bite as hard as she did she left a mark on her daughter's arm. The daughter was seen by someone and children's services became involved...you never want them involved sooooo...just an FYI although I know parents on here would not bite that hard....this mom didn't think she would either.

I do not want to sound judgemental here...I deleted this several times because it could sound that way but believe me when I say this is just simple statement

gabriella replied: Sorry, I thought I'd written back already. Thanks guys.

Don't worry Jamison's mama I'm not going with the biting back. We prefer to ignore and continue to use time-out.

I agree with Jennie that kids understand more than we think at this age, but for this reason alone I feel it wouldn't work with Sam, and we would be giving him mixed messages. If I bite him back, he will learn from me that it's ok to show anger in this way. I DO think however, it also depends on the child, because I know my sister and I were given the, "same medicine" treatment, and we excepted it, we conformed, but my brothers on the other hand, would hit back.

Before having Sam my hubby and I were always in agreement about how we would raise our children. We like more the Steve Biddulph approach (The Complete Secrets of Happy Children) Although, it's not our Bible, and there are some things we disagree with.

What simplistic dreams we had Then came Sam He's just like his Daddy, only looks like me. He's incredibly wilfull, strong headed, independent when it comes to doing things (but clingy to mummy ) intelligent and impatient. I can count on one hand, how many times he's been smacked and 'only' by me The very last time I smacked his hand, he pulled it back, rubbed it and said to me, " bad, bad mummy hurt Sam". I nearly burst into tears, and panicked and thought, crap what do I do now. I think I crouched down and pulled him to me and said, "It is bad and wrong to hurt, mummy is sorry. Mummy wont smack, Sam won't smack, OK". He said, okay and gave me a hug. I've been teaching him it's bad to hit out, (at the dog, cats other children and people), so I can't give him mixed messages and hit him back. Sam wouldn't accept that and would argue with me.

There are soooo many things and I'm only just starting out and I know I don't have all the answers. I guess in the end we should all go with what feels right. God, I wish they did come with instructions, but since they don't - We have eachother, to help and guide and give constructive advice.

I know I'll be on here asking a similar question, when he's in his teens and has to stand up for himself. When some other boy belts him one in the playground. Should he hit back and hard or walk away? Oh boy. I think self defence classes.

Thanks for all the advice. It helps to look at different strategies.

Boo&BugsMom replied:
That would be nice wouldn't it? A little booklet that also tells us their temperment, traits, everything once they are born so we know what we're getting into!

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
I agree w/this.

My son is a biter. He stopped biting so much when he started talking and learned to use his words. Now he bites only when he is overtired or very upset. This is the only way he knows to get someone's attention. It's working, so why not use it?

Some kids are just biters. They outgrow it in time.

Kirstenmumof3 replied: I've never experienced this myself. But people have told me not to bite back. When he does bite yell OUCH as loud as you can, this might scare him and the biting might stop. Or you could just walk away after he bites you and not make a big deal about it. Sorry I don't know what else to say!

gabriella replied: Exactly, Jennie a booklet and with it, fool-proof strategies to raise each and every type

Oh boy, I wonder what I'm in for next I'm looking forward to finding out the sex, and couldn't possibly wait until the birth. I wonder whether baby # two will be calmer or more of a live-wire, than Sam. There's a thought



I like your idea Kirsten, especially since at times I do pretend to be angry with Sam and he'll march off to to time-out corner.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
ITA with Ed! Two wrongs don't make a right IMO. Wil went through this phase very briefly (thank god). Like Tracy suggested, I told him "no bite, that hurts" and used time-out.

Boo&BugsMom replied:
My thoughts exactly lately! Tanner is very "middle of the road", so it could go either way! Although, Tanner never went through a terrible two's stage, so that's frightens me. He has however gone through the trying three's, and now he's into the foul mouthed fours! It never ends. I'ts always something I suppose. Just hang in there. It will eventually stop no matter what kind of approach you take.

coasterqueen replied:
I agree with Ed and Rae on this. With Rae on the two wrongs don't make a right. IMO biting them back to me doesn't show them that biting is wrong. It might show them it hurts, but how does it teach them it's wrong? If it's wrong for them to bite you, then biting them is wrong

I've always just told them that biting hurts mommy really bad and not to do it again and they never did.

mummy2girls replied: biting back im agasint! because what is that teaching them? other then mom just bit me so i can bite too. i did time outs to any child that bites. i never had that problem with my dd but i had a dayhome boy that was extremely agressive so he bite all teh time. I terminated care because after weeks of trying it just got worse.

gabriella replied: Thanks, guys, for all your support on this one, and I'll keep you informed

blissfulecho replied:
I completely agree with this.

Here's an article from AskDrSears.com that might help you out. Good luck mama!

BITING AND HITTING: 16 WAYS TO STOP IT
Growing teeth and hands often find their way into trouble. Toddlers often bite and hit with little regard for the consequences of their actions. Bites and hits hurt and should be corrected, before serious harm is done to bodies and to relationships.

1. Understand why babies bite and hit. Don't take it personally. Babies do bite the hands (and the nipples) that feed them. Everything babies do revolves around their hands and mouth. The hands and teeth are their first social tools, and they learn how to use them from the responses they get. As soon as teeth erupt and hands flap, babies experiment and use these instruments on different objects to see how it feels. What could be more familiar and available then parents' skin? Baby's job is to use these tools; your job is to teach him how. These early nips and slaps, as awful as they look and feel, are playful communications, not aggressive, disrespectful conduct.

Aggressive biting and hitting is most common between the ages of 18-months and 2½ years when the child doesn't have the verbal language to communicate his needs. Instead, he communicates through actions. Biting usually stops as the child's verbal skills grow but hitting doesn't.

2. Understand why toddlers bite and hit. What are simply socially- incorrect gestures in infants can, if unchecked, become aggressive behaviors in children. That's why you want to purge these from baby's repertoire before they become part of the growing child. Children become aggressive in order to release pent-up anger, to control a situation, to show power, or to protect their turf in a toy squabble. Some children even resort to obnoxious behavior in a desperate attempt to break through to distant parents.

Most aggressive toddler behaviors will lessen once the child is old enough to communicate by words instead of actions.

3. Consider the source. What triggers aggressive behaviors? Keep a journal (at least mental notes) identifying the correlation between how a child acts and the circumstances prompting the action. For example: "Kate bit Suzie during play group. Suzie had Kate's favorite ball. It was almost nap time. Lots of kids in a small place. Suzie is very bossy."

4. Child hurts parent. Face-slapping is a socially-incorrect gesture babies experiment with. Redirect the slapper into a socially-acceptable alternative: "Give me five." Likewise, redirect nipping: "No biting, ouchie, hurts Mama! (put on your unhappy face); then redirect the behavior: "Hug mama. That's nice!" (smile and hug back). Once your child's face-slapping becomes an expression of frustration (for example, the toddler in your arms becomes angry and hits you because you won't let her have candy), you'll have to show her the natural consequence. Firmly but calmly announce "You may not hit" and put her down. She'll still be angry about the candy, so you can verbalize that for her. Do not allow your toddler to use you as a punching bag. Give her the message that you will not let her hurt you. If you don't allow your child to hurt you when he's very young, he will be less likely to let others hurt him when he's older. You will be modeling to him how to say "no" to being hit, for example, by holding up a hand to stop the blow but not hit back.

5. Toddler hits babies. If your one-and-a-half-year-old bangs his toy hammer on the heads of other babies in the group, remove all objects that he can hit with. Show and tell him not to hit and give him an alternative gesture: "Be nice, pat baby" as you gently guide his patting hand.

6. Don't bite back. "But the child needs to learn that biting hurts," you may reason. Yes, but there's no way your child will decide that she shouldn't bite if you bite. Try this alternative tooth-for-tooth method: Take your child aside and ask her to let you show her how teeth feel on skin. Press your child's forearm against her upper teeth as if she were biting herself, not in an angry revengeful way, but as a parent making a point, "See, biting hurts!" Give this lesson immediately after he bites you or someone else. You want your child to learn to be sensitive to how others feel – an early lesson in empathy.

7. Hitting models. Katie hits Tommy. Katie's mother (embarrassed and irritated) quickly goes over and smacks Katie on the arm saying "Mustn't hit." Are you as confused as Katie is right now? Have you ever been driven by embarrassment or anger to do something illogical? We all have. So plan in your mind ahead of time what you will do when your child hits someone.

8. Child hurts child. You notice one child hits (pushes or kicks) another to get a toy. Show and tell an alternative way to get the toy. "We don't hit other people. If you want the toy, wait until your friend is finished with it or ask Mommy and I'll set the share timer. When I want something from you I don't hit you, I ask you nicely." If the hitter doesn't cooperate, ask the victim to say, "I'm not playing with you anymore until you say you're sorry and stop hitting." Two-year-olds may not be able to say all these words, but they'll understand them; so you say the words for them and follow through with the consequence. Also, impress upon the biter: "How would you feel if Tommy bit you."

9. Timeout the aggressor. "Biting hurts, and it's wrong to hurt. You are going to sit by me." Usually by two years of age the child can make the connection between being aggressive and the consequences. Encourage your child to say "I'm sorry." If he's not angry anymore, he might want to give a kiss or hug.

10. Model nonaggression. A child who lives with aggression becomes aggressive. How do you communicate disappointment, handle conflicts, and get your point across? Aggression is contagious. Toddlers and young children also pick up aggressive behavior from older siblings. If the younger children see the older ones hitting each other, they conclude that's the way you treat other people. Make this a teachable experience for the older children. Point out their modeling and tell them for their own benefit and the benefit of the little ones to clean up their act.

Grabbing is a common aggressive behavior in toddlers and young preschoolers. (Watch that you don't unintentionally model this by snatching things from little hands) Calmly explain why he can't have the item he grabbed and ask him to hand it back to the other child or give it to you. You may have to offer a replacement for what he has to give up. If your child is about to damage something valuable, or is likely to hurt himself with an object, use a no- nonsense voice and show by your body language you expect him to give it up immediately.

AVOID SETUPS
Avoid situations that bring out the worst in kids. At a birthday party a mother setup a scavenger hunt for a bunch of boys -- inside her house, of all places. To fuel the frenzy, she offered a prize for the winner. You can imagine what happened. Both the house and the children were a wreck. They hit and shoved each other and trashed the house in pursuit of the hidden treasures. Bruised skin and bruised feelings resulted.

12. Mellow a mean streak. Watch the toddler who habitually bangs toys, bashes dolls, kicks cats, and pounds on walls. While some of this acting out is normal, it can be a red flag for tension and anger. The child is at risk for treating humans this way. Besides delving into the roots of the problem, encourage more gentle play: "Hug the bear," "Pet the kitty," "Love the doll."

13. Reward. Children over three respond well to rewards, such as a no-hitting chart: "Every day you are nice to your friends, put a happy face on the chart. When you have three happy faces we'll go out to lunch together."

14. Program self-control. Some impulsive children hit before they think. For children over three, help them control these impulses by suggesting substitute behaviors that the child clicks into at the first thought of hitting: "As soon as you feel like hitting, grab a pillow and pound on it or go run around the yard." You can model impulse control for your child. For example, next time you feel like hitting, let your child see you think your way out of it. Grab your hand and talk to it: "Now, hand, you should not hit people." He'll pay attention, especially if he's the one you felt like hitting.

15. Apply double discipline. When hitting becomes disrespectful and undermines your authority, it deserves a double-dose of correction from Mom and Dad. Four-year-old Timmy got angry and hit his mother. She immediately sat him down, looked him squarely in the eyes, and impressed on him that under no circumstances was he ever to hit his parents; that behavior was intolerable and would be firmly corrected. She sent him to his room. After this time-out they talked about his anger. Later that day she shared this incident with her husband who had a talk with Timmy. He reinforced the seriousness of this situation and told Timmy that it would not be tolerated: "I will not allow you to hit the woman I love." This wise father got some extra mileage out of his discipline by communicating his feelings for his wife.

16. Supervise. It's neither fair nor safe to allow aggressive toddlers to play with potential victims in close quarters without a parent on watch. If your child is aggressive, share your concern with the other parents or teachers in the playgroup, and seek their help in tempering your child's aggressive behavior. Don't hesitate to tell them about the problem. You can bet they have also struggled through an aggressive stage with their own children. Your candidness shows your concern for the other children. Otherwise, aggression, especially biting, may destroy friendships. The parents of a biter are embarrassed, while the parents of the bitee are angry that their child has been hurt. The biter's parents get blamed for the child's misbehavior ("bad parents of a bad kid"), and the adult friendship cools.

Teachers and day-care providers also need to be vigilant in supervising the aggressive child, lest this attitude infect the whole group. In a group setting children learn what is socially-acceptable behavior. If they see and feel that aggressive behavior is tolerated -- especially if the biter is in the spotlight ("Watch out, he's a biter") -- they pick up on this label and may try making it part of their repertoire. While the aggressor's behavior requires immediate attention, be careful not to give the other children the idea that this is the way to get attention. Be sure to find opportunities to praise the other children for their good behavior.

gabriella replied: Articles like these really do help. Thanks, Blissfulecho

Yesterday, we had another incident!

What started out as great fun, for Sam and a little girl, he was chasing around a large shoe market, turned into an embarrassing situation, for us. Whilst hubby and I were taking it in turns to keep a close eye on Sam, to check he wasn't disturbing shoe displays and customers, our son made friends very quickly with a little girl who was probably twice his age, and they started to chase eachother around the aisles. I made a point of introducing myself to the little girls parents, to reassure them he wasn't alone or left to his on devices. They were perfectly happy that the two were having so much fun. We chatted for a while, whilst watching the kids and then proceeded to do our shopping. Fine Then family number, one, leaves and the kids give eachother a hug and say bye.

Hmmmmmm!!!!! Sam then tries the same with another little girl. Only, this little girl doesn't want to know. He gets all excited and his arms are all over the place, and he's giggling. He's trying to tickle the girl, but she's having none of it, and she's angry. I see this from a distance and I move quickly to collect my son. Then, I see the mother grab Sam firmly and in Spanish she tells him, "NO" and to, "Go Away!" I feel ill. I know she didn't hurt him, but it hurt me that she dealt with him that way, and I'm not sure I dealt with the situation very well or maturely, myself. I just took hold of Sam's hand and said, "come with mummy." - and I never looked or said a word to the mother. I should have said, sorry, and that he never meant any harm, if he had caused any, and he just wanted to play, my apoligies. However, I was so embarrassed, disappointed and angry, with the mother, Sam and myself mostly, that I said nothing I'm sorry I let Sam down, because I could have made this into a learning experience.

One, I know better, and shouldn't let Sam think shops are play areas to run around in, for many of the obvious reasons, and two I should have checked first that this little girl wanted to play with Sam He needs to learn from me, that not every child will want to play with him, everytime he wants it. That he needs to ask first and wait for their response. He needs to learn to listen and if someone says, "No", that that is fine too and he should say, "okay", and walk away.

Think I will be checking out some more what, AskDrSears.com has to say.

blissfulecho replied:
Glad I could help a little. Just remember, this too shall pass. You sound like you're doing a wonderful job.

And in case you're interested, I know many a familes who've had great success with this book, by Dr Sears. I don't have this one, but I have several others that he's written. Good luck!

DansMom replied: Gabriella, I've definitely had experiences like the one you described. Wishing I'd modeled something positive instead of completely blowing it. And I'm especially that way when dealing with other adults who are rude or unfriendly---I react instantaneously without thinking. The great thing about parenting is that you'll get plenty of chances to get it right. Kids usually repeat their behaviors and give you more opportunities to test out new techniques

gabriella replied: Thanks, both of you, ever so much

My , really is at an age, when I could post a new thread for ever day Something tells me, it's not going to get any easier when baby # 2 arrives

One tired pregnant mummy

gabriella replied: Tracey, I forgot to mention earlier that you were right about the two-year molars. Sam, has been showing all the signs of cutting new teeth and when I checked, he indeed had a new tooth, and was cutting the last. No wonder he's been trying to gnaw on everything that comes in close proximity!!!

Houstonmommy replied: When dd was a toddler she went through a biting phase. We'd put her in time out and tell her why she was in time out (think Supernanny) and then she got to a point where she'd start biting herself out of frustration when she was in timeout so then I'd say, "No no. You can't bite my baby girl." Whether or not she understood it or it just confused her...I don't know, but it got her to stop biting herself.

My 10 month old son is biting my shoulder when I'm holding him and at this point I'm just saying "NO!" when I see him going for the shoulder. I say it in a stern voice but not yelling so he knows it's bad. He's DEFINITELY teething right now so I also try to give him a frozen teething ring to gnaw on.