How do I do this???? - letter of reference - need help quick

Bee_Kay wrote: I told you all how my SD and her BF applied for an apartment last week. Well, they need letters of reference from a person they aren't related to (I've never written one before)

He asked me to write one for him.

What the manager wants to know is..... how clean is he? how quiet is he? will he pay his rent on time?

Now here's the problem.....

He talks like everyone around him is deaf (VERY loud).... I know he is not clean (their room is like a pigsty) and he still hasn't made one payment on the clinic bills for my SD that he promised to pay like 6 months ago.

So, I would like to help them.... but if I write it honestly, I would be lying..... So, is there a way to write it, and not lie????

CantWait replied: I'd watch, and quite honestly wouldn't do it. In the end you're just going to discredit yourself.

luvmykids replied: I know you really want them to get on their feet but I don't think there's really a way to write it without lying, and that wouldn't really help them anyway. If they're going to do this, they're going to have to do some things the hard way and understand that the consequences (not getting the apartment honestly) for the actions (being loud, unclean, irresponsible with money) go hand in hand. If he doesn't like the consequences for his actions, he needs to rethink his actions. JMO.

I do think you can tactfully explain to him that you don't feel comfortable vouching for him in light of the clinic bills, just tell him that the clinic bills being unpaid bother you and because of that you'd rather not be involved in the apartment thing.

You don't want the landlord calling you when the rent is late or with other complaints. That then puts you in the position of having to try to fix it for them.

JP&KJMOM replied: I agree with Monica. Be careful Barb I know yu want to help but be careful.

Bee_Kay replied: OMG! Thank you for the replies.

That is EXACTLY what I was thinking but I kinda felt like a real b*tch for feeling that way.

luvmykids replied:
You're not the b word, you're in a tough position wanting them to get it right but without doing it for them. I'm glad they're trying to get a place but tbh don't trust him yet, kwim?

Bee_Kay replied: Although I am cordial to him, I have ZERO trust.

Like when he asked my DH to co-sign a loan for him to get a new car my DH response was "Well Bill, I could probably withdraw the money out of my checking account and GIVE you the money..... but I won't because I don't trust you one bit". (hit the nail on the head)

Bee_Kay replied: OK. I made the phonecall and let them know that I couldn't write him a letter of reference.

(Monica, I read your response to my DH on the phone and he said you hit the nail RIGHT ON THE HEAD.... so, thank you)

I explained myself in detail. I explained my knowledge of the condition of their room, that he is, in fact, incredibly loud, and most importantly that he (as an adult) entered into a legal, verbal contract with us to make payments on the clinic bill (for her pregnancy, because she was living with him at the time) and that was 6 months ago and we haven't seen one dime. And that *IF* I did write one, it would be nothing but ONE BIG FAT lie and I wouldn't jeopardize my credibility for him

Whether or not they are p*ssed about it, I don't know. But, you are all right, there are consequences to behavior and actions and this is one of them.

So, thank you all

luvmykids replied: You did the right thing!

JP&KJMOM replied: Glad you did what was right Barb. As bad as you want to help them I know it was hard.
Maybe this will help them grow up some too. KWIM?

Cece00 replied: You did the right thing. I wouldve done the same.

Bee_Kay replied: OMG! NOT AGAIN !!!! (I hope this isn't a "here we go again" thing)

Ashley (not knowing anything about my refusal to write Bill a reference letter) tried calling my SD to see what she was up to.....

She tried the home phone - no answer
She tried the cell phone - no answer

(they bring that cellphone with them EVERYWHERE).

If they go back to the "we're not answering their calls or returning their messages, I just don't know what I'll do.

gr33n3y3z replied: I would have done same as you by Not doing it

And if they are going to act that way so be it
I hate to say this
But you made your bed now sleep in it ( not meaning you them )

Ashlynn's Mommy replied:
If the landlord finds out that what you wrote in the reference is not true, then it might come back to you. Just be careful

Bee_Kay replied:
I didn't write it ... I already called and let them know that I wouldn't be a part of it because no matter how I can word it.... if I were to be honest, it would be lies

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I think you did the right thing.

Ashlynn's Mommy replied:
You did the right thing.

AlexsPajamaMama replied: Yup, you did the right thing Barb. If you had written lies, it would have bothered you forever, or at least it would me!

Bee_Kay replied:
Michelle-
Yep, it would have bothered me BIG TIME

luvmykids replied:
Sorry they're pulling that again, is it there way of getting back at you? Think how your phone would be ringing when they wouldn't answer for the landlord ...