How Do I Respond To This? - email from SD

Bee_Kay wrote: I recieved an email from my SD yesterday evening. At first, it started all normal. Asking how I've been, telling me about her day, ect.

Then, she writes that she read a story on Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul about a girl that was a "troubled teen".

So, she goes on to ask me how DH and I put up with her and didn't ship her off to a foster home until she turned 18.

A bit of history about her bad behavior. She would sneak out at night ot meet whoever was her BF at the time, ran away, lied constantly, skipped school, steal, ect. Grounding her didn't matter, she would simply runaway. We sent her to a foster home until she cried and begged to come home. That didn't matter, as soon as she was told "no" about something, she ranaway.

I don't know how to respond to her email because the reason we "put up with it" is because we hoped to teach her lessons in life and wanted better for her than the road she was heading down.

We wanted her to graduate and go on to college. We wanted her to not be a "teen mother", ect. Which backfired right in front of our face. She didn't graduate and she is a "teen mom", ect.

I want to be honest with her.... but I don't know how to do it without an "I told you so" type attitude.

Or should I just be honest with her???

MommyToAshley replied:
I would just tell her that, and that she will always be your daughter and you will always love her. I don't think you need to add the I told you so's, it seems like from her email that she is beginning to realize the mistakes she's made.

mammag replied: You know what it sounds like to me based on all your posts about her? It seems to me she is at a point in her life where she is reflecting on the mistakes she has made and struggling to find a way to start making good decisions. It seems like you should just be able to say enough of this way of life, I'm going to do the right things now....I don't believe it is that easy to break the pattern of bad behavior though.

As far as how to answer, I would be honest. Just basically tell her what you just said in your post....that you guys love her, and desperately want a better life for her than what she has been choosing for herself. You want to help her start making decisions that will make her life better but she has to want it. You can't live her life for her but you can help guide her if she is willing to put in the work. Tell her you will never give up on her but you also won't correct her mistakes so she will have to pay the price for her mistakes and learn from them but you will always be behind her, rooting for her. I think she is at a crossroads right now. Tell her you see two roads before her, one she will continue on the self destructive path she has been on or she can choose the other path with a much brighter future for her and her child. She has to be willing to step up to the plate right now to change her life because she is the only one who can do it. All you can do is walk along the road and offer support.

I would use this as an opportunity to try motivate her. It's all you can do as a parent. It's a high possibility that she won't take it to heart but you can still feel good as a parent for trying to help her see the light and maybe even if she doesn't choose the right path now, down the road she remember and make a change.

Sometimes all we can do is offer up advice, hope they follow it, and love the despite it all.

MyLuvBugs replied: Tell her exactly what you just posted above sweetie. That you and your DH refused to give up hope on her, and that you both hoped she'd learn from her mistakes and go to college....Shipping her off for fostercare was simply an option to try and help her, and everything you did was b/c you LOVE her so much. Just let her know that.

CosmetologyMommy replied: I would just tell her that her goals in life might be harder now, but not impossible and u are willing to help her any way u can.

luvbug00 replied: She is just like I was.. wow.

anyway ITA with all thee above..

lisar replied:

gr33n3y3z replied:
thats what I was going to say

redchief replied: It definitely sounds like she's done some inner soul searching. The worst thing you could do at a time like that would be to be dishonest or try and shuffle it off as nothing. I would definitely talk to her in person though, not in an email. I think she needs to see the emotion of love along with what you have to say to her. I also think it's okay to let her know that you were disappointed in some of the choices she made as a teenager, so long as you reinforce that with telling her of the love you so obviously have for her. Finally, I think it's important to end on a positive note. Talk about her goals and dreams. Talk about how important it is that we not dwell on the mistakes of the past, but make corrections and look forward.

Bee_Kay replied: Thank you all so much for your responses!!!

What I've been through, as a mother, for the past couple years, it's difficult at times to not have the "I told you so" type attitude.

What runs through my mind at times is "If she just would have done this/or that, she would be preparing for college right now.....ect".
It's so hard to let go of the dreams you have for your child, especially when I see that she is heading down a path in life where she will have no choice but to struggle.
3 people living off 1 income (he works PT at mcdonalds) will be a struggle when they learn what bills are.

Anyways, I am glad that I asked for advice first. I wasn't prepared for her to ask such a question and I didn't know how to answer. I wrote her a quick email letting her know that I would prefer to sit down and talk to her about it face to face... because typed words can be so misunderstood at times.

Although, I see that she is plainly making bad choice after bad choice, I will have to accept it and let her know that her choices are, in fact, her choices.

Thank you again!!

redchief replied: I hope your sit down with her goes okay. I would caution not to expect any great epiphany, but I think you already know that. I'd also say that it's okay to tell her just what you just said, that it's hard to let go of the dreams you've had, and that you're saddened that her choices will cause her struggles. That's not "I told you so," it's gentle, honest concern. Good luck Barb. I hope you two can start patching up your relationship and find some common ground.

Bee_Kay replied:
Thank you Ed. I hope so too

DVFlyer replied: I'll put my Sigmund Fraud hat on and say while she may be experiencing an "ah ha!" moment in life where, now that we are in our parents' shoes, we realize what it was like to worry, be frustrated etc, I think her reason for asking "how you put up with it" come from somewhere else.

I feel she is asking for validation (may be the wrong word) of her bad behavior now that she is grown. i.e. "Was I really that bad?".... Hoping for a "no, it wasn't that bad" when the answer should be a "YES!! You went through a VERY difficult time during those years" I think she needs to be told that you were not happy with what she was doing, but did the best you could out of love for her and your want for her to have a good life.... in your eyes. And that will never change.

In the end, we have no real control over our children as they get older. They find ways to work around our roadblocks and rules. All we can do try to give them the advice and show examples we feel are best. But, one thing for sure, is you can never give up, which is where I think your meeting with her should go.

You need to continue to be the parent and her your child. While you can't control whether she "hears" you, she will always look to you for her model. That can never change. You need to continue to point her down the (your) right path. Whether she follows is up to her.