How Do I Deal With This? - I am a wreck right now

Bee_Kay wrote: Yesterday, my world crashed and I have never been so angry with my daughter Ashley. And I don't know how to deal with how I feel. I feel like such a failure as a mother. I thought I knew my daughter so well.

Yesterday, my sister called me up and told me and my DH to come over to her house because she had to talk to us about Ashley. So, we did.

She informed me that the night before, Ashley confessed to her that she and her friend had been drinking and smoking and just acted like drunken jack*sses at the other friends house they were at.

This happened the night I went out (Ashley's mom knew I was going out with some friends that night and she was OK with it).

My sister also tells me that Ashley has been smoking for quite some time now and my sister is the one that has been supplying Ashley with cigarettes and allowing her to smoke in her house.

I feel so betrayed by them both. My sister is 32 years old and for her to go behind my back with MY child just makes me so mad that I just cry.

I am sitting her in tears right now because I thought I knew my daughter so well. I never imagined that she would lie to me right to my face. Before she went to her friends house that night I told her "Ashley, if anyone there drinks... leave, DON'T DRINK!" She did it anyways, and then lied to me about it.

I am so mad at my sister and her husband. My DH and I have done NOTHING but help those two. We've helped them financially, emotionally, ect.

Ashley is severely grounded for a long time. No friends over, No going anywhere, No cellphone, No phone, No internet, No TV in her room and she has more chored than she's ever had.

I feel so guilty because I went out with my friends that night also. If I hadn't done that I know Ashley wouldn't have done what she did. But, I also know that if she hadn't done that, I wouldn't have found out about her smoking.

So, I quit smoking today at 3pm. I've chosen to not be a hypocrite. B**ching at her for smoking while I storm out and have one.

Sorry so long. I am just in a bad mood and I feel like a real failure as a mother.

ETA:
When I confronted my sister as to WHY she would supply Ashley with cigarettes, her response was "Well, when we were younger YOU sometimes gave me cigarettes!". My response was " Da**it, I was 19 and you were 17!!! You are now 32 years old and Ashley JUST TURNED 15! It's ALOT different!!"

luvmykids replied: Lots of great big hugs Barb, you are NOT a failure as a mother!

What made your sister decide to come clean? And why do you feel like if you hadn't gone out, she wouldn't have done it? Teens are known for sneaking around, if she was going to do it I think she would have anyway, maybe not that night but another.

I don't have any advice, just lots of hugs

aspenblue1 replied: I am not sure how to deal with that.


You are a great mother doing everything you can do.

Bee_Kay replied:
Because I asked Ashley is she would have drank if I was here at home when she got here. She said no. Not that she has much credibility now, but I really do believe she wouldn't have come home intoxicated if she thought I was here.

mammag replied: I'm so sorry! So first of all

Try to calm down first. Remember how it was to be a teenager and realize that many many kids do that and it doesn't make you a failure. You did the right thing grounding her and I think you need to be cautious of who she is hanging out with and how much freedom she gets. She has now shown that she is not mature enough to deal with it and she has to reearn your trust at this point.

Now your sister is another story altogether. I would be absolutely furious and would have a hard time speaking to her again. Ashley was a kid making a mistake, your sister is an adult. How can she even dare to use that lame excuse of "you gave them to me"???? Preposterous!!!! First off it is illegal for her to do it and second, how could you not think about the repercussions of providing a child with an addictive substance? Is Ashley addicted to them already if she was giving them to her on a regular basis? I would just have an awfully hard time forgiving her. And would not be letting Ashley be there without you at a minimum.

I also want to commend you for stopping smoking. It will be hard for Ashley not to if she sees you doing it. That is a very important step, imo.

Bee_Kay replied: Jeanie. Thank you so much for opening my eyes. The words you chose touched me very deeply and I thank you for that.

As a parent, it is hard sometimes to remember back when I was a teen and the things I did.

I know Ashley made a mistake and she is now dealing with very harsh consequences of those actions.

I love her so much that it hurts that I was so oblivious to things. To answer your question, no she isn't addicted to smoking. She said that the first time she smoked was last summer, and since then has done it 10 - 15 times.

We now realize that she was given too much freedom. Freedom that she can obviously not handle (thats exactly what we told her). So, after her grounding is over, she will be started from scratch.

Bee_Kay replied: She is also loaded down with chores (something I never really enforced with my children).

Since yesterday evening she has:

Cleaned the kitchen 2 times.
Scrubbed the bathroom (toilet included)
Vacuumed the livingroom
Washed/Dryed laundry
Mowed the lawn

She is currently cleaning (not just picking up) her bedroom

I know she DESPISES doing all of this... but there isn't a peep of arguing from her.

Bee_Kay replied:

Ashley won't be stepping foot in their house ...at least without me... and judging by how I feel right now, that won't be for a LONG time.

I told Ashley and my sister that.

BAC'sMom replied: I don't really know what to say. I just wanted to offer you my support and also wanted you to know I think you are a WONDERFUL Mom.

redchief replied: Barb, first let me tell you that what happened does NOT make you a bad parent. I know that's the same things everyone else has been saying, but I felt the need, as a parent of teenagers, to reiterate. I think you've done the right thing in punishing Ashley harshly. I know we all expect our kids to make mistakes, but I won't allow ours to get away with lying either. That, to me, would have been the worst thing.

I'd like to discuss your relationship with your sister, though. I know you're angry with her right now, and that anger is absolutely righteous. I think, more than she felt you'd find out anyway, she felt guilty about her own part in this. I believe she saw her assisting in keeping Ashley's smoking from you as partly to blame for her drinking too. It seems to me your sister had a bit of an epiphany when she saw that your daughter felt it was okay to appear before her drunk because she allowed her to smoke in her home. Again, what she did was wrong and there's no excusing your sister's behavior. In the end, however, when it seemed to her that Ashley was using her as a smoke screen to worse behavior, your sister came to you. That took guts considering she obviously knew you'd be ticked when you found out about the smoking. I'm sure you would have prefered she find her backbone sooner, but coming clean to you must have been a difficult decision for your sister to make considering her oomplicity. I guess I'm saying that, though I'd still be angry, I would forgive her if she were my sister. We'd also have a serious discussion about how we communicate within the family. I'm just giving a little objective insight here.

I hope things go well from here on, but I suspect there will be a little bit of rebellion at some point. Hang tough.

Bee_Kay replied: Ed. Thank you so much for your insight. Somehow, you were able to hit the nail on the head.... with Ashley and my sister.

Ashley's harsh grounding is more because she lied to us. We explained to her that her grounding would have been less severe if she hadn't lied about it (something we've always drilled into their heads)

I think (now that I have calmed down) that you are right about my sisters reason for telling me.

My sister called me on the phone tonight and I explained to her why I was angry with her.... that although she did tell me about Ashley, I don't believe it excuses her part in it.... therefore there is a significant amount of trust lost.

She flipped out.... literally. She started screaming at me on the phone (every other word was a swear word). She said "You're just trying to take your kids away from me!! You're just trying to hurt me now! You're only trying to hurt those kids!!!"

I tried to calmly explain to her that Ashley is grounded from going ANYWHERE and I tried to explain again how I have lost trust in her and I feel betrayed by the secrecy (especially with her being an adult).

So, she is now incredibly irrate with me.... called me 4 times and hung up on me each time. She threatened to never talk to me again. She wants my DH to go over to her house tomorrow to take back everything they have of ours.

Funny how that works out, isn't it? She does wrong with my daughter and she is trying to make me out to be that bad guy

amymom replied: Barb, Lots of hugs. These teenage years will pass (I hope) And you will have raised some great kids. You are doing a great job. I am proud of you. I have a feeling that I will be in this situation soon. I do not know how to get him (my 15 yr old) to NOT lie to me about some drinking that I just know will go on this summer. Besides locking him in the house and staying home to watch him. I do not know what to do! But I digress.... I hope when my time comes, I will be as strong as you are. Thank you in advance for the inspiration.

redchief replied:
Give her a day or so... I think she'll come around. Apparently she and Ashley have quite a connection, regardless of the basis for it. Maybe invite her over to see your daughter?

Bee_Kay replied: I told her repeatedly she can come over anytime she'd like (she only lives 1/2 mile away) and see the kids.

Her response "Don't tell me what to f'ing do! You don't control me!!"

I replied, "I am not telling you what to do, I am simply limiting what Ashley can do, you can come over whenever you please."

Her response "You think you are so f'ing perfect"

I say "How so?"

Her response "After we bought a new TV you had to go and buy a bigger one".

I say "WTH are you talking about? Our TV broke 6 months after you bought yours and we didn't have the money for a new plasma one that we wanted. Rather than buying a smaller one at Sears, we bought a larger one at Kmart for the same price as the one at Sears. WTH does that have to do with you?

Her response "Because after you saw ours and you said it was nice, Craig (her dh) said 'you f'ing watch! they'll have a better one than ours'".

And that is how the phone calls went .... on and on and on!

Jackie012007 replied: I read your initial post and I say GOOD FOR YOU... early aged teens NEED DISCIPLINE and what your daughter is doing can take her down a very dark path unless you firmly put your foot down... which obviously you have, and I ABSOLUTELY commend you for! I'm 22, and started smoking cigarettes at about 16... I never got into the drinking util college, but that is because my parents were very firm with me and I appreciate it now that I am older. They didn't know about the smoking, which I just finally quit a month or so before I found out I was pregnant. GOOD FOR YOU for setting an example and quitting yourself... it is an insavely hard thing to do, but you are being such a great parent... she may rebel and say hurtful things but try not to take it to heart... teenagers have so many emotions to cope with and some day I promise she will thank you for your great parenting!!!!

luvmykids replied: Obviously your sister has some issues of jealousy and who knows what else with you, just keep your eye on the ball and keep in mind what the real problem is. She's doing that out of defensiveness and is trying to change the subject on you, you can tell her there is a time for talking about your relationship but that the matter at hand is what you're upset about.

Hang in there, teens are tough and although I don't have any yet I know you're doing a great job.

CantWait replied: Just wanted to say sorry. It's hard when you have kids, but obviously your sister is no help with the situation and in fact only makes it worse.

As a mother, you need your time to get away with your friends. Please don't feel guilty. She would have gone out another day regardless if you were home or not and done the same thing. It's just what teens do.

You're doing the right thing by bringing down the axe on her.

PrairieMom replied: Barb, you are not a bad mother. It is normal for teemagers to rebell. I don't have any advice for you. but KUP so I can learn from this for when my little angel is doing the same thing. (God help me!)

on the other hand, WTH is wrong with your sister? is she lacking mentally or what? in what universe is it okay to give somone elses child ciggaretts? to me, that is condoning breaking the law. I would be Furious! I acutally might have turned her in to the poliece for contribuiting to a minor.

MyLuvBugs replied: Oh barb!

You're not a failure as a mother. Your sister needs a smack in the head though.

ashtonsmama replied:


I am so sorry. Sounds like my family. I don't know what to say, but I'm sorry.