Here's a tough question

Boys r us wrote: for you...Do you think that there is a double standard when it comes to men not being able to control themselves while away with the boys, verses women? or is it only in my own sick little head?

As most of you know, I'm going away the end of this week to Savannah, Ga with my girlfriends. Rick knows and really respects and values the firends I am going with..they are mutual friends of ours..my friends first, but he's grown to love them!
He trusts me, I can tell it may be getting under his skin just a little, the closer it gets, but he's fine with it and hopes I have a good time.

So this morning, he emails me from work and says that Bob, which is a friend of mostly his, but I have spent quite a bit of time with him too when we were dating b/c he was Rick's roommate, anyhow, Bob is getting married in November and asked Rick to be a groomsman. The wedding is in Tampa. So I got excited and started thinking about things we could do while we're there..Amy Nicole and Cary(kit kats mom) came to mind..and so I said..oh great...how long are we staying there? and he writes back and sort of hemmed and hawed around and said, well actually it's sort of a guys week we have planned. Okkkkkk!
So my DEAR freaking husband is going to a wedding in Tampa, a celebration of two people falling in love and spending their life together and suddenly it's a guys trip...no room for the woman he fell lin love with and is spending his life with! Uhmm..kind of hurt my feelings a bit..and then the thoughts start rolling in..wedding..men..bachelor party..wild nights..ughhh!!!

you know..Rick has NEVER given me an ounce of a reason to think he'd ever cheat on me, in fact I feel completely confident in sounding stupid and nieve to some by saying, he would NEVER cheat on me...but why is it that I don't want him to go?
That I worry..what if my incredibly hot husband gets drunk and some little hot thing starts hitting on him? what would happen? can he control himself..you know..just crap like that and I feel so stupid for even feeling this way...he trusts me, why can't I trust him?

kit_kats_mom replied: I have the same issues. I hate bachelor parties! my DH hs a wild bunch of friends & there are always strippers at their bachelor parties. He swears it makes him uncomfortable when the girls show up & I know my man would never do anything but I just feel disrespected that he would look so much as look at a stripper. Mainly just because I'm sure it has to turn him on at least a little.

I think, for me at least, that it boils down to the fact that men get turned on by visuals (strippers) and women dont really at all (I personally find the male strippers to be ridiculous and um...gay...which they usually are). Men don't worry about us going out with the girls because the chances that some guy is going to sweep in and offer security and love are basically nil. That's my take on it anyway.

Tell DH that you at least want to come to Tampa and you can hang out with Amy & I....we can do girls night. LOL

jcc64 replied:

Well, Nichole, I have to admit, I would probably be a little hurt too if my dh wanted to "escape" for a guy's w/e. But as far as being suspicious or worried about his activities while away from you, you know the answers to your own questions already. A few weeks ago, dh and I watched a segment on HBO's "Real Sports" about an NBA player- Doug Christie and his wife. It was riveting. Knowing about the relentless temptations facing professional athletes, she follows him EVERYWHERE, and I mean everywhere. He's not allowed to give interviews to female journalists without her present, I could go on and on. While I certainly understand her concerns, I kept wondering, "Where is the trust?" What kind of relationship could survive this kind of paranoia? In the end, all you have is the trust, without it, you're sunk. I don't know you well enough to speculate about why you don't/can't trust him. But you know. Maybe it's something about him, maybe it's something about you. Let him go, Nichole, as much as it's killing you. I'm sure in his head, he thinks what's good for the goose is good for the gander. You're going away w/o him, he should be able to do the same. Like I said, I wouldn't be happy about it either, mainly b/c I would be hurt that he wants to have fun w/o me, but maybe it's one of those things you gotta chalk up as a "guys' thing."
Good luck, hope it works out the way you want it to.

JAYMESMOM replied: It's not that you don't trust him you trust who he might run into while he is there. Single men can be a bad influence on our married men and make them want to do things they normally don't want to do. I would definitely tell him you want to go down with him and he can still do his thing but you want to have fun and do your thing also. If he has a problem with you coming then I would be worried. He may just be thinking of this as a time to get away. But remind him you can have fun down there also without him so he can relax with his friends.

bwalkerletters replied: OK, I"m a guy but if it's a wedding then why is it just a guys weekend?? Aren't there going to be women AT the wedding?? Hmmmmmmm........I understand why that would bother you. It would be different if he said, hey the guys are going to Tampa to go fishing, but to say the guys are going to Tampa for a wedding. That doesn't make much sense even to a guy! Trust definitely is one of the biggest issues in a marriage, but don't overwhelm yourself and beating yourself up wondering. It'll only control you!! But as a man, I do question why it's just guys going to a wedding........hmmmmmmmmmm

jcc64 replied:

Cary, I think you're right on the money! (especially about the male strippers! )
I have to admit, I was a little taken aback when dh admitted to me that he was in fact turned on by the strippers at my brother's bachelor party at an upscale strip club in NYC. I guess I had given him far too much credit, thinking he was somehow impervious to the seediness of the situation. I was taken aback, because I swore I knew him and that he wasn't one of "those guys'. And yet, I wouldn't try to get in his way if it came up again. Because of the very reasons you stated above. I think it's a fundamental difference between how and why we get turned on as opposed to them. And there's a big leap from being turned on to actually doing anything about it. I think if I felt better about my own body image, it would be a complete non-issue. But that is MY problem, not his, and I suspect that is the same for lots of us.

Boys r us replied: okay, well I feel better..I sent him an email asking him if I had this all correct...that he was going there alone and that if he was, I thought it was kind of odd that he wouldn't want to take his wife with him to celebrate in the union of another couple. This is what he wrote back..apparently I either had it all wrong or he's backtracking so spare a fight..lol which there wouldn't have been a fight, I mean my feelings would have been hurt, but I wouldn't have caused a ruckus..how could I have..the whole Savannah trip would have come up. I know it's ridiculous that I can't give him the same trust he's giving me..but hopefully it's all resolved now anyhow..and if we come(which I'm sure we will) then Cary, Amy and I can get together...and nobody better be pregnant either ladies! LOL

*******************

Subject: RE:

I'm not going without you Nichole. I just agreed with you that it
sounds like a boys week. That's all. I don't even know if I can make
it just because of the fact that the whole thing will be a 3-4 day type
of deal and we already have other trips planned, not sure how my PTO will be holding up. ***************************************************************

Boys r us replied:
No, not only men going to the wedding, but rather...a weekd prior to the wedding filled with men type things..football game..golfing..drinking..etc..one last hoorah for bob! But I'm fine sitting by the pool and hanging out with some cyber buddies!

bwalkerletters replied: OH ok, that sounds much better then! You should be able to trust him with that situation. It's definitely a good thing to have guys trips and girls trips sometimes, at least in my opinion. We all need our sanity sometimes. haha

PascosGirl replied: Having a guy week is fine, but what is the reason you can't go and do your own thing here in Florida?? You can shop, go to the beach (Nov. is still hot here) or just sight see.

BTW - not sure if this will help, but Tampa has a 6 foot law. In other words, booty joints (strip clubs) can't have lap dances or be within 6 feet of any guest there. Just so you know. lol

PascosGirl replied:
Guys trips are fine. My DH has been on a couple. However, it is a wedding trip, I don't see the problem with her going while he still does his own thing. Besides, a week long guy trip is kind of legnthy when you have kids, don't you think??

My DH has never left for more than 3 or 4 days at a time.

gr33n3y3z replied: My Hubby goes away to Daytona for a week during race week every year
I trust him and if I went away for a week he would trust me
But tords the end of the week I'm stressed out from doing everything and work I start getting nasty like 2 days before he is getting ready to come home

kit_kats_mom replied:
Plus, didn't I just hear on the news that they were going to not allow alcohol at any "adult" establishments? That'll put a hurtin' on em. LOL

My2Beauties replied: Nichole as you know I face this constantly with Brian because almost all of his friends are single and they leave to go out of town at the drop of a hat and always ask him to go. Normally he just says no and doesn't even ask me, I always find out later about their guy trips, which I"m thankful he doesn't ask, but sometimes he does and I'm faced with the question of...um some tramp is going to put her nasty paws on you and I can't help but want to scream NOOOOOO ARE YOU FREAKING CRAZY!!!!!!!! I think Cary hit it right on the money, men get turned on by even ugly women in mini skirts much less a pretty young thang with a tan body and bog hoo-hahs coming onto them, that is my fear and every other woman's fear! Reality is Rick won't do anything. I'm with BWALKER though it sounded weird that it was a wedding and only guys until Rick re-iterated with he would be taking you but doing guy things, I was going to question that myself! I say go with him bit do your own thing and go out with Cary and the others while down there! PAR-TAY!

mammag replied: I wanted to touch on the first part of your post.... the double standard. I think it is more and more becoming a thing of the past. Not that men are suddenly behaving but that more and more women are not. I hear so many stories from my sister whos husband was away in Afghanistan about the women misbehaving while their men are away.

I think that because it has been okay for men for so long and now women are doing more and more of what men were doing that this is going along with it. It's really sad. If you look in men's forums (like the ones my dh reads) you would think it was women more than men .

As far as you being worried I know what you mean. I, like you, KNOW my dh would not cheat on me (yeah I feel like I sound naive saying that too) but I still get uncomfortable with him looking at half dressed women. Like Jeanne said, it is my issues not really his. I think most men do look but most women would like to think their's is different and wouldn't find such trashy women attractive.....not the case. We just have to take comfort in the fact that those are not the women they want to marry.

PascosGirl replied:
Yep no alcohol at full nudity bars.

PascosGirl replied: There is nothing wrong with guy/girl alone trips. However, when you have children and you leave the other person with all the responsibilty for a whole week, it can be stressful. This isn't a trust issue for me.

DVFlyer replied: It sounded like a trust issue to me. There would be no reason to question his request otherwise. I'm with the posters above about (at first) why she couldn't go, but that root cause of the question was trust. (IMO of course)

I see nothing wrong with him going alone..... as long as a similar event would be ok for her to go alone.

PascosGirl replied:
Hey, I don't have trust issues. lol My man lives overseas and I have seen him 47 days in 2 years. Impossible to have trust issues when someone is in the military. I guess I just am answering the question that way because I have only seen my DH 47 days in 2 years. So if he were to spring it upon me that he was leaving me for 7 days to be with "the guys" I might be upset. More so for the reason of having to parent alone for 2 years already.

As far as this situation, with the wedding, I just see no reason why she can't go and do her own thing. That's JMO though. Like I said, when you are used to having your DH around to help with the kids a lot, having them gone for 7 days can be stressful. However, I still believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder and being away from someone you love certainly makes you appreciate them more.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I'm actually maid of honor in my best friend's wedding this May. I'm actually going all by myself to San Francisco for a few days because when you're in the wedding party, it's really difficult to have your spouse there too. I've experienced being on the other end, and if you don't know anyone at the wedding, you feel sorta out of it. Not that I can't meet other people, but there are always a ton of things for the wedding party to do alone and you're kinda stranded without your spouse. Pictures, rehearsal, etc. So it's just easier for me to go alone, get the job done, and come back. Of course I would LOVE my Dh to join me, but it's not very practical when it comes to being in the wedding. My DH is not worried at all.

Yes, when it comes to double standards, they definitely come into play in my relationship with my DH. But I don't think it has to do with one gender over the other. Women are guilty too. But I could careless that my husband looks at strippers, goes to a strip club, drinks with the guys, watches porn, reads Playboy...who friggin cares?? This subject has come up before and I'm just so glad that I trust my DH so much to not think twice about this type of behavior. He's pretty conservative these days, but still. He can flirt with other gals. I'm really sorta amused by it. Why would I even compare myself to a stripper or the girls in the magazines? My DH doesn't think "wow, don't I wish I had that girl with the fake boobies on the pole". Come on?? She may look good at the moment, but he knows she's not any more than...well that...a fantasy. I'm the real thing baby! Just keep that in mind. He will too.

I think girls/guys weekend are total refreshers for any marriage. I just did bachelorette weekend a couple months ago and yeah, my DH was a little jealous that I got to go, but I came back totally refreshed. He's gotta love that!