Help! My mother keeps getting the baby sick! - Help with grandparents

Mama-Sandy wrote: Hello everyone, I'm new to posting on a message board so forgive me if I commit some great faux paux!

I am the mother of a lovely and talented 16 year old girl named Jennifer and a beautiful 9month old baby boy named Jack, who is usually the most pleasant baby you will ever meet (seriously people ask me if he is drugged he is so pleasant!- he's not! Really ).

But I need some advice. My mother,Debbie, bless her heart, is not the most responsible person in the world, which makes her a great playmate for my 9 month old son, but it also makes her a danger to him. Everytime my mother gets around my son he gets sick afterwards. We can never directly pinpoint that it was her but it has gotten fairly obvious and here are my suspicions of why.

My mother works in an industrial environment, she wears her jewelry all the time and never takes it off. She also lets the baby play with her jewelry. Then, of course he puts it in his mouth. When I ask her to not allow him or to take it off she "pshaws" me.

My mother has 1 1/2 inch fake nails and I've never seen her wash her hands, in fact I know that she has had to have her nails removed because of fungus build up in the past. Also she does not have a clean house (roaches and mice). Yet she continues to let my son suck and chew on her hands and nails, despite my protests and pleas not to.

My mother gets sick and doesn't tell us before she comes over, then she sucks on the baby's hands and feet (which he also sucks on). Then when he gets sick and I call her to let her know I find out she is sick as well. Which of course she then says he gave it to her.

She also smokes, never in front of him or while holding him (but only because of my constant supervision), but when she is at my house she goes outside and doesn't wash her hands when she comes back in.

Also she gives him inappropriate foods such as: chocolate, unripe fruit, rare meat, etc. that give him tummy aches and make him miserable. When I catch her I stop her immediately but the damage is already done.

Last month at the doctor's office I was told my son was underweight (he went from 60th% to 20th% in two months), so I am concerned about him anyway. Over the last holiday weekend (9/2-9/4) my mother and aunt stayed with us. All weekend my mother was her usual self and it was too long of a period for me to keep my usual constant eye on her. Then Tuesday my son came down with bowel movements that were pure water abut 10 times, he was totally miserable, his poor butt looked like a lightbulb! This lasted almost a week, he went to the doctor's and was put on all formula, which to him (the baby that loves solids) was pure torture because he was just getting to try mommy's foods in small bits and had just been introduced to that heavenly food cherrios!). He was tired and miserable all week and I believe it was my mother's fault.

Now my mother wants to come again this weekend. I have tried to tell her multiple times that she must wash her hands before touching him, she says she has (I don't believe her). When I ask her to do so again she acts all wounded and put upon. I have tried asking her nicely, I have tried telling her firmly, I have tried pointing out the consequences of her actions! I don't want to yell at her because she really is like a child and it would just make her throw a temper tantrum. But I will lose it this weekend unless someone here can help me. I have always been the parent to my mother, so this situation should not surprise me but it truly does. Jack is my mother's only grandchild, she adores him and dotes on him constantly. She is so careful about everything else about him, why does she have a blind spot with this?! I don't want to tell her she can't see him because he so obviously loves to spend time with her, but I have about had it with her acting like a 10 year old. I need her to protect him as well as I do. And she's not one of those overbearing mothers, she's always been too yielding. But that same yielding nature also allows her to smile and nod when I ask her something and then go on her merry way and do what she wants anyway.

Help!!

I'm really sorry about the length of this message but I felt you should have all the facts.

Thank you SOOOOO MUCH in advance....I'm at the end of my rope...

Sandy Hogg...
Mama to Jack and Jen

redchief replied: Hmmm... Your mother doesn't wash her hands due to fakies?
She wears jewelry that may be contaminated. Sounds fairly easy. Mom has to remove the fakies and present her hands for inspection (if you're mother to her, she should be used to this - if she's really that irresponsible). Also, no jewelry while handling your child. In fact, ask her to leave it at home.

I'm a little confused. You said you had a 16 year-old daughter too, but said your son is her only grandchild. How is the 16 year-old related?

Mama-Sandy replied: Sorry for the confusion, my "daughter" is actually my goddaughter/cousin who I've been semi-raising since she was 10, but who only just moved in with me in August (because her mother (my aunt) finally gave permission for me to take custody).

Jack is my first "natural" child ( I hate that term though, like Jen isn't natural).

My mother can't take her nails off, they are acrylics and are glued to her fingers.

mckayleesmom replied: I would make a list of the rules that you want followed in your home and post them somewhere in your house. Make these rules for everyone that visits. Call a family meeting and explain why these rules are now in affect. Try to go about this in a way that is not singleing your mother out and placing blame. People are always going to be defensive if you place blame. Also....these rules should apply to everyone that comes in contact with your son because chances are that the germs are not only comming from her alone.

Mama-Sandy replied: I had posted rules at our old place (we just moved in August) after he caught a cold when he was 3 days old (he was born 2 days before Thanksgiving so everyone saw him then) we set up a table with a bottle of hand sanitizer and a request to leave if visitors were sick. But my mother never paid attention to them.

It is a really good idea. Everyone else was very understanding about it.

I'm afraid I'm just going to have to tell her she can't see him if she can't obey the rules, I didn't want to use that threat because with my mother if you threaten you must follow through or it is useless to threaten. Before it wasn't a big deal because we lived right next door to each other but now she travels two hours by train to get to see him.

Boo&BugsMom replied: Does she smoke in her house? If he's over there every day, or on a regular basis, he could be allergic to the smoke. Regardless if she's not doing it around him, it's still present in the air if she smokes inside her home.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I have acrylics and I wash my hands constantly. I'm a little ocd about it, actually. I even have a nail brush that I use to wash really good under my nails. So much bacteria can collect under the nails (which you are fully aware of) I would stress that she wash her hands and take off the jewelry or she doesn't get to touch him. Especially after smoking. The smoke could very well be making him ill as well.

I'm so sorry. It's very hard to stand up to our parents, but you must do it for the sake of your child. He comes first. Good luck

stella6979 replied:
I hate to be the one to say this, but if she can't follow your rules and respect your wishes, than she doesn't need to see her grandbaby. I told my Mom that right off the bat and haven't had any problems....YET!

Mama-Sandy replied: She's not allowed to smoke in our house or our cars. She smokes on our back outside patio. She follows that rule to the letter. But yes, she does smoke in her house like a chimney. We don't allow him to spend more than a few hours there and NEVER without our supervision, ever since she watched him once alone and we found ashes on his car seat. In fact I don't think he's spent more than 15 hours there in total. We had always requested that she visit him at our place since it was baby proofed.

I really don't have a problem putting my foot down with my mother, as I said I've been the parent since I was 15 when my parents seperated. But I knew I was too angry to face her without talking about it with someone other than the darling hubby. He would just fuel my fury. And I can soooo easily lose it with her, she just pushes all my buttons. Please imagine a 2 year old in a 50 yr old's body.

That and I needed to know that I wasn't too demanding. Even though I know I'm just protecting him and have every right to do so. Maybe if I buy her a nice nail brush for our house and get her a little jewelry box for the bathroom to put her jewelry in.

CantWait replied: People have pretty much said everything. Your son might suffer from asthma, or might be allergic to the smoke. How is he getting sick? Is he coughing, puking, runny nose?

As for your mom, you are the mom to this baby, and you need to enforce the rules. Time for some tough love for her unfortunetly. 1 and a half inch nails are TOO LONG. Maybe for her next present, birthday, whatever you could get her a little non suggestive kit, a basket filled with a manicure / pedicure kit with nail brush, hand sanitizer (which I think you should also put back on the table for visitors. All you have to say is that your son is prone to getting sick, and this will help reduce that chance.

If your mom's house is full of mice and roaches, don't send him over there. Mice carry disease in their feces which can be harmful if inhaled. This also might be leading to the problem.

Best of luck to you.
Welcome to PC.

Boo&BugsMom replied:
I see. If she's not washing her hands though, he still could be suffering an allergic reaction to what is on her hands. Even when you wash your hands, residue from the cigarettes are still on your hands. It's awefully hard to get out. Many daycares do not even allow infant teachers to be smokers for this reason. It was a policy at a daycare I ran. Just an FYI.

stella6979 replied:
But she doesn't wash her hands afterwards which is clearly not respecting your wishes. And I'm sorry, but giving a 9 month old unripe fruit and rare meat is just plain stupid. Obviously you love your Mom, but the health of your child is the most important thing. The things she's doing could cause permanent damage in the long run.

Cece00 replied: Easy enough- put your foot down.

MAKE her wash her hands. MAKE her take off her jewelry. DO NOT let her feed him inappropriate foods.

Tell her if she can not respect your wishes, you are sorry but she isnt going to be allowed to visit your son.

punkeemunkee'smom replied: The one thing that sticks out to me is you said your mom's house is not clean and has roaches. Roaches have 'dust' that coats everything they crawl on. It has been proven that it is a trigger to already present allergies BUT is being found to cause problems too If your mom's house has a big roach problem she could bringing the dust into your home and he could be getting sick because of it. This article lists some other reasons as for respritory distress as well and they include several things you listed. As for the hand washing or rather Non-handwashing I can't even begin to list all the all the very dangerous bacteria and viruses she could be and probably is carrying on her hands. I would make the rules and MAKE her keep them!

Roaches and Smoking

PrairieMom replied:
I TOTALLY agree. YOU are his mother and it is your job to make sure that he is safe, no matter what the consequences. If she loves him as much as you say she does she will follow your rules. IMO you have to put your foot down and take a stand for your son.

Mama-Sandy replied: You are all right, and I thank you for your opinions and advice.

I think I just needed to talk about this with someone other than my husband. I was unbelievably furious when I realized that she had once again gotten Jack sick. And I knew if I spoke to my darling hubby he would only fuel the flames of my anger. I needed to talk it over with someone else. If I sound cold and distant from the problem it is because if I write what I feel I will get SOOO censored!

Please do not misunderstand me, I am my family's advocate. I am the one who storms into the doctors office when he doesn't answer my calls. I am the one who confronts teachers if I feel that they aren't treating my daughter fairly. I am the kind of person who writes letters to companies if I am not satisfied with a product. I have never had a problem standing up to anyone, including my mother.

I know there is a problem, I know I have to get her to follow the rules or she doesn't get to see him. I am hoping to avoid coming to that ultimatum but if I must I must. What I am looking for are ways to handle the discussion, possible diplomatic ways of asking/telling her. I am trying to avoid the drama that usually comes with any discussion between her and I.

The web site about roach dust and smoke was wonderful, I can print that out and show her if I need to.

Please imagine she is a 13 year old in a 50 year old's body when you write responses. That is how I always think of her.
Thank you!

ashtonsmama replied:
That would disgust me. I probably wouldn't let her see him unless she takes more interest in protecting his health, but that's just me.

Good luck-I'd say you just have to talk firmly to her and say it's very important to you that Jack stay healthy, and you need her to help you.



And I didn't totally understand this:
Please imagine she is a 13 year old in a 50 year old's body when you write responses. That is how I always think of her.

Mama-Sandy replied: Well I had the talk with her on the phone yesterday, she was understanding and contrite and promised to wash when she comes over. But I know I'm going to have to remind her and keep on it. Thank you everyone and wish me luck this weekend.

Some clarifications. What I meant by sick is so far he has had a major cold (lasting 3 weeks), an intestinal virus (watery diarrhea for 4 days), and 3 minor colds (sneezing runny nose crankiness) which each lasted about a week. If you consider that he is only 9 1/2 months old that is a lot of sick for a little baby. Especially when you consider that he is NOT in daycare.

My husband and I have often wondered if there was something wrong with my mother, If you have ever dealt with a 5 year old or a spoiled 13 year old, then you have an idea of what my mother acts like. She really doesn't think about consequences at all, she is apologetic when she is "caught" doing something wrong, but her actions really don't change afterwards. If you speak to her wrong she will throw a temper tantrum, or have a meltdown. It is almost as if we are working with someone with a mental disorder. If you spoke to her you wouldn't see it, but if you spent any amount of real time with her you would. That is what I meant by imagine she is a 13 year old in a 50 year old's body. Outwardly she is 55, inside she is 13 or worse, at times, she's five!

Again, thank you everyone! I am only able to get on here once or twice a week, so I appreciate the advice. I'll let you know how the weekend went, or more importantly, how his health went afterwards.
Sandy

my2monkeyboys replied: Just wanted to add, if you still have problems with her, maybe "blaming" it on the doctor will help, that way it's not coming from you, KWIM? Tell her the Dr. said he can't be around this or that, about everyone washing hands, etc. Maybe you could even make it point to let her see you and others wash your hands before holding him etc. With his weight dropping off the way it did I'd be very concerned. I think you are well within you rights to demand that the rules be followed. Also, maybe you could mention her getting her house treated for the pests she has.. or even just getting it done for her. That'd be one less thing to worry about.
Hope it all works out smoothly for you!

holley79 replied: My mom quit smoking in her house when I was 6 months pregnant. She had a company come in and do some type of thing to deoterize (sp?) and sanitize the entire house. She also had her duct work cleaned out. My mom washes her hands and doesn't smoke prior to handling Annika so it's not on her hands or her clothes.

I would put a nail brush, anti bacterial soap and hand santizier in the kitchen and make that her first stop when she comes into the house.

Hope things get better. Welcome to PC.