Have marriage touble - vent..sorry

Mommy2BAK wrote: Hi everyone!

I am sorry that lately most of my post have been a little down, if you are having a great day please just don't read because I don't want you to have to listen to me feeling sorry for myself.

Anyways~ I am getting so tired of my husband. All we ever do is fight. He is so immature, (he has ADHD). He just leaves on Saturday nights to go "cruise around with his friends", which it's not that I don't trust him, its just that he is with single guys that are looking for girls, sometimes I think married people need to hang out with other married people b/c their agenda's are very different. We toss around the word divorse almost daily. But the last thing I want to do is take Blakely's daddy away from her. But I am jus not happy AT ALL. We seriously do not like each other. We got married because I got pregnant and even now it feels like Blakely is the only reason we are even together. We never talk unless we have to. I just don't know what to do. It already seems like I am a single parent since I do EVERYTHING on my own, so I'm not really concerned about that.

Thanks for listening. I just need some encouragement.

Josie83 replied: Firts of all . . . I'm so sorry and sending you a cyber hug because I can't give you a real one. I'm so sorry that you feel like this. We're all here for you. Second of all, never apologise for venting on here! Its what we're here for! I know how much it can help. I don't realy know what to suggest for you though. Its obvious you're having a hard time. I think teagen's mum is going through a similar thing, havr you tried talking to her? I'm sure she wouldn't mind. But I would say that if you're realy unhappy, then its not good for you or the baby. In my opinion its better for a child to see two happy parents lving apart than two unhappy parents living together for the sake of it. However, that's probably easy for me to say because I've not had to go through what you are. I'm sorry that i wasn't more help. Vent here anytime and keep us updated! If you're ever unhappy, feel free to PM me and vent as much as you want! Thinking of you xx

Mommy2BAK replied: Thank you so much Josie. That was so nice.

Kaitlin'smom replied: yes we are hear to vent anytime. marriage is by no means easy, it sounds like you got married for the wrong reasons, but you are tring to make it work. I would suggest counsling or even a trial separation to see what you to want. What Josie said it tue its better to have two happy parent who live appart then to unhappy ones living together. You can pm me also anytime. I know how frustrating this can be. BIG HUG

GavinsMommy replied: You know I have my share of problems too!!

The ONLY thing that worked for me was leaving for a week. Nothing else worked. Who knows, maybe this hasn't worked either...maybe it will change again in a week or so, never know. But so far it is about the best it has ever been.

After our last argument I just basically told him the truth about everything...that I was finding myself hating him or disliking him at least once a day...and I told him AGAIN about everything I didn't like...smoking, looking at "stuff" online, etc. But I said I wouldn't tolerate it anymore...not just that I didn't like it. So I left...

I came home to a spotless house, no more pot...and HOPEFULLY no more looking at "stuff" on the net. He is still smoking cigarettes, not as much, but we are going to buy Nicorette gum, or the patch, or get him the shot...he says he needs help quitting. So I guess on his next day off...Thursday, we will get the gum...or shot if it's not too expensive.

He's been really loving since I came home...he took pictures of me if you know what i mean...so he won't look at OTHER pictures...instead he'll look at me.

So for now lots of issues are solved. If he goes back on any of those, I will take another step further and leave for even longer...hopefully he has learned a lesson because I am really loving the person he is right now. When I walked in the door after being gone for the week, there was a rosemary bush/tree on the counter. He said he thought I might like to use it for cooking and that it makes the house smell good.

Sorry, didn't mean to go into a spill. But don't give up...it's amaizing how much people can change if you show them how life will be w/o you.

Sit down w/ him and figure out what you dislike about one another. Then see if either of you are willing to change...if not...you have to deal or move on.

Mommy2BAK replied: Well, I am glad that worked for you but I have already left for a week and things didn't get better.

GavinsMommy replied: aw:( maybe go for longer or as long as it takes for him to want you to come back enough that it will change?

A&A'smommy replied: ((((BIG HUGS)))) I'm SO sorry things are not so good for you. Here is my advice don't talk about divorce unless your VERY serious, because IMHO divorce is serious and in my marriage from they VERY beggining dh and i BOTH said it is not an option. Secondly have you thought about marriage couseling or maybe just sitting down and telling each other how you feel about the situation and talking about how you can make it better? I hate to see you anyone go through this but especially people I know and care about!

Mommy2BAK replied: Thanks everyone, everything you all said was very kind.

To answer a few of you, yes we have gone to marriage conseling. That was awful because whenever we would get in a fight he would say "I'll have to remember to tell the counselor that you said/did this". And he would schedule appt. for himself and go sob to the counselor about how mean I am. *Give me a break*!
No offense to people that know people like this but DH and his family can never admit when they are wrong. To them, they have never done anything wrong in their lives, and their children especially have NEVER made any mistakes. That's just how they are. They always belive they are victims.

But I think I am better now. I took a lexapro and I think that hepled. SInce I got my teeth pulled Tuesday I haven't taken one in a few days and I did this morning so I guess I'm better.

Mommy2BAK replied: ~BTW~ Does anyone live with someone with ADHD? I know it is abnormal for an adult to have it. But no one ever understands me when I try to explain what its like.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: ((((Tamara))))

I'm so sorry sweetie. I can think of few things that are worse than fighting with your spouse. It seems there are some underlying issues that need to be resolved. I think you love each other and for you to walk away from this now would be an injustice to your marriage and your child. communication is key here. You must communicate daily. He does need to be more concerned for you and your well being. His role as husband is to take care of his family. You should always come first. IMO (just from what you have mentioned of him lately) He really needs to grow up.

I've worked in the medical field for many years. I worked for a neurology clinic for 5 years. I have seen my fair share of ADHD patients. That must be very hard for you to live with.

I've gone through all of this with Scotty. I wish I could tell you that there was a magical cure for it and we were instantly better and more in love over night. Not true. I can tell you that you are normal and your marriage is normal, though. It is never easy when you join two people from two different backgrounds and families. Find a way to work it out. Talk until you are blue in the face. There are effective ways to communicate your feelings without harping on him or making him feel he has to be so defensive. You will get through this. Scotty and I have an easier time with communicating now (unless he is being downright impossible) and I think most of that has to do with the # of years we have been together.

I dont' want you to be miserable and you should never fight in front of Blakely. There is no doubt in my mind that what you are saying is true of him as guys can be sooo immature at times. He probably is the one who doesn't want to make the sacrifices.

If you have gone to counseling and that didn't work, read books. Even if he won't read them it will do you a lot of good to read them. When I changed my attitude about things Scotty in turn changed his. It should take effort on both of your parts, but it has to start somewhere and it may as well start with you. Just don't look for him to change without trying to change yourself first. We could all use a little improvement. For all I know you may have done all this.

I hope you find something that works. I know you want the best for Blakely. Your ultimate wish is that you would all live together happily. You can get there. I think both of you want it, but your DH is having a little trouble growing up and tending to responsibilities. No one wants to have their children grow up in an unhappy home. No one wants their children to grow up in a divorced home, either. IMO this is something that can be worked out now. I just think it is going to take some sacrifices and a little work on both parts. Marriage is not easy for anyone. It takes a lot of work and 2 people giving 100% at all times. Not 50 on your part and 50 on his, but 100% on both parts.

Mommy2BAK replied: Thanks Amiee!

That was very insightful, I needed that. I will not get a divorce. (period, exclamation mark) Because My parents divorced and that was a terrible situation for my sister and I. I have always been SO determined to make this relationship work because everyone else thought it would fail. So I just want to work things out. The thing is, I knew how he was when I married him (we dated for 4 years) so it's not his fault at all. We are okay now, I just have my moments when I feel like I can't take it anymore. I think I was just really moody this weekend and let it all out on here. (which now I wish I wouldn't have because now I am afraid you all think I am crazy) I am like Bre Vandecamp on despreate housewives, I like to put on a happy face and make people think we are perfectly fine. And I didn't do that on here. But anyway, things are fine now. Thanks again!

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
Oh honey! You aren't crazy! You are so normal. I do this ALL the time. A couple of weeks ago I vented on here about Scotty. The whole time I was replying to your post I was thinking "Yeah, she is gonna take this advice after what I said on here about me and Scotty?" LOL! We all have our moments when we feel as though we can't take it anymore. I had a moment yesterday when I just wanted to be away from him for a little while. We need our space, and yet we need our time together. It is hard to find that balance, but soon enough you will and you will recognize the signs and know when to get away before it escalates. You will know when to apologize after being snappy. You will know when to hug instead of fight. It all works out. I'm glad you are feeling better today. We are always here when you need to vent and we will never judge you.

ETA: It is also very healthy to fight. We need to get that out at times. What relationship is perfect without a little fighting/arguing? Never feel bad for that or think your relationship isn't perfect b/c you had a disagreement.

Mommy2BAK replied: Thank you!