HELP PLEASE

boyohboyohboy wrote: I have a dilema. caleb has made a friend, well he says best friend..
and this kid is a total wreck. he is rude and controling. i asked him over for a play date and he was loud and crazy and was breaking things, and he didnt follow the rules at all. my intent was to just not invite him over again. but he keeps asking.. and his mom is not all that pleasant either...
so now what do i do?
do i let this kid come back here, because a play date at his house is out of the question. or do i tell caleb we disapprove of his behavior?
what do you do?

moped replied: Gosh tough call but I would do the total avoidance!!!!!

grapfruit replied: ITA w/Jen!


My BF son had a friend that lived behind them (hard to avoid) and he was sort of like that. I know AJ came in side w/a big red mark on his back b/c this boy threw a toy at him. Tiff was sturn and said "no more". She explained to him that he knows she doesn't like that sort of behavior and if he wasn't going to be nice he couldn't come over and play anymore.

Don't feel bad, if you don't want them playing together don't!

~Roo'sMama~ replied: I think I'd tell him that you don't like his behaviour and if he can't follow the rules then he can't come over. Maybe you could try it one or two more times and tell the kid that he needs to follow the rules or he can't play at your house. If he is rough with the younger boys then I'd be more likely to just not let him come over again at all. Good luck!

Boo&BugsMom replied: I agree with Jen too. Stacy, is this the same friend you had asked about before?

We explain to Tanner that he needs to make good friend choices. Friends are not mean, friends care about us, friends are not always getting in trouble, etc. I also tell him he needs to stay away from the kids who are always naughty or he will also get in trouble with them. I think it's important to explain to them what a friend truly is, and that we want to be around friends who are positive influences. I wouldn't hesistate to be totally honest, I think it's important for them to understand that. If you feel this child is not a positive influence on Caleb at all, I would try to avoid the two of them being together as much as possible. Of course at school you can't do much, but outside of school you can.

PrairieMom replied:
I agree. We had a similar problem with the little boy across the street. Thankfully they are in different classes at school this year, and since the weather has turned we aren't playing out side anymore.

momofone replied:
Very well said I think I'm going to use that advice when need be.

boyohboyohboy replied: I dont think i have asked about him before, they have just met in kindergarden and this was their first play date. caleb and he are in the same class, and it sounds like they are always together, but caleb will want to talk to someone else or play something else and this kid is manipulative and threatens him, like, i wont be your friend if you do that... and caleb has made a friend that is a girl who is just the sweetest thing, and he invited her to his birthday and this mean boy has been ragging on him about it ever since, and was even rude to the girl at the party and infront of her asked caleb "why did u invite her!" i found out about this later.
caleb has said he knows that this boys behavior is not acceptable, but he doesnt want to lose him as a friend.
i have parent teacher conference next week, and i am thinking of asking the teacher to try to seperate them as much as possible

its hard because i remember not so long ago being that kid in school that wanted everyone to like me, and caleb is popular but i can imagine how he feels..
and this is only kindergarden!

Boo&BugsMom replied: I remember you asking about a friend that invited him over, but didn't know the family. Probably someone else though.

I would ask the teacher about him. Tell the teacher your concerns about Caleb being influenced by this boy and his feelings always being hurt by this boy. He sounds like a brat, to put it bluntly. He needs to learn some manners! You said his mom isnt' all that great either? Sounds like the apple didnt' fall far from the tree.

Oh, and about the best friend thing. Tanner thinks that any kid he so much as says hi to is his friend. At this age I'm not sure they have really established what makes a friend so I wouldn't stress about him thinking he's his best friend. Tanner's best friend changes like his underwear. If you teach him about what friends really are, he will start to see this boy for who he really is.

boyohboyohboy replied: this is the kid that wanted a play date with caleb so his mom called me and said her son was driving her nuts and could caleb come for a play date, and before i could answer she says, i cant really socialize because i work at home in my basement, and i cant supervise the kids either, but there is a fence around my yard...so i took it that i wasnt invited and caleb was on his own in this strangers house...so i said, well how about the kids come to my house,and she was like ok but i cant bring him..i said well i can pick him up from school. i was really trying to make an effort for caleb and wanted to meet his best friend..
so the kids come and she never had spoken to me, didnt know me, didnt know where i lived, never said when she was coming to get him...nothing..
thats when i posted about play dates..and why we only have them at our house..

but this date was so bad i called her an hour into it and asked her to come get him and she tried every excuse to not come...i told her i had to leave. so she came and she acted mad and hurried.
it was not fun.

luvmykids replied: I think it's also a good opportunity to talk about peer pressure, if it was Colt I would tell him that just because this little boy doesn't like a certain girl doesn't mean Colt can't be friends with her. And that if the boy really did stop being Colts friend, he wasn't one to begin with. We've started talking about how we all want to be liked, etc but that if a "friend" wants you to do things that don't feel right, they aren't a good friend. We do a lot of the shoe on the other foot type of talks, if you were the little girl, how would you feel if the only reason someone didn't want to be your friend was b/c of this other kid? What would you think of this kid if he was telling people not to be YOUR friend?

I remember school, and wanting to be liked, etc and truly empathize. But I think it's one of those times when we, as parents, with our life experiences, have to do what is best for our kids whether they understand it or not. We have a boy from school who lives on our road....I don't have a good feeling about him or his parents. Colt keeps asking if he can play with this boy and it's tough but I finally just said no, and said the other friends you have are great friends, lets just focus on them.

I think it's important to sort of click with the mom too...you don't have to be best friends but if it's someone you don't feel you can communicate with or won't respect you (like when you asked her to come get him) chances are it will only get worse.

boyohboyohboy replied:
you are so right..and he is still really good friends with this little girl and he asked me if she can come over for a play date, but he says it in a whisper...even at home. so i know he is still being made to feel its wrong.
i have never seen caleb like this, he is usually the one in charge and a leader not a follower..so its unusual for this to happen. i am not sure why it has. i asked him but he just kinda shrugs.
we keep talking about it. i asked him if this kid ever threatened to hit him or if he feels scared of him and he said no.
i think he would tell me if he had.

Jamison'smama replied: Jamison has a pushy friend at school and she was in her gymnastics class, I changed the day that she goes to gymnastics and then just started inviting other kids over for play dates and the pushy friend just became a little less important in her life.

Boo&BugsMom replied:
She sounds like she was using Caleb and you as a babysitter! Don't get me wrong, when Tanner has a friend over it's a blessing because he is being occupied and not bothering us to play with him every single minute, but I can see where you'd be worried with her acting like she would let them roam wherever and unsupervised and all. It sounds like she has different priorities and a very different parenting style than what you do. I would not let my children over at anyone's house who I did not trust. She seems very untrustworthy.

luvmykids replied:
I can see tendancies in both the twins to "follow" when put under pressure, I just keep trying to reinforce that how THEY feel about themselves at the end of the day is more important than how someone else feels about them.

I do understand the pressure these bully-ish kids can exert, and I had a lot of trouble making friends when I was younger, so I am not making light of how hard it is for these little ones I'm just hoping to teach them early on that they can be in control and that their self esteem comes from them, not others.

bawoodsmall replied:
I would also give him another shot. I would tell him that Caleb really wants to play with you but this is our rules. If you cant play by our rules then you wont be allowed here.

kimberley replied: i agree with the others. maybe one more chance but otherwise, cut him out. as Brenda said, once you set up more playdates with other kids, the rude one will be much less appealing to your son.

it's worse at Jacob's age. two years ago he was hanging out with the popular kids and boy were they obnoxious. they weren't very nice to my son either. we talked and eventually Jacob saw that he didn't want to be popular if it meant being rude. i was proud of him

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:

Gosh that's a tough one, because you don't want your child telling the other boy that you don't like his mom, but IMO, that's kindof where it's at! From what you stated above, she sounds like an irresponsible "hand my kid off on someone else" type of mom, no one I want to associate with even if her son is BF with mine. I don't believe in blaming children for their parents actions, but man, if she got mad at you for asking to pickup her own son, then I would just totally avoid her. Just tell your son that he can play with his friend at school, but that's it. Rules are rules and if that boy can't follow them, well that's a good lesson for your son too - that there are consequences when you don't follow rules at someone's house.

I swear, I think playdates are just like real dating! It's so hard to break it off if you just don't click. You call, you feel it out, you meet - but where do you go from there if it's not working out? It's hard. Fortunately I get along really well with all my playgroup moms, but it took a lot of patience. GL

holley79 replied: That's a tough call. Maybe to have a play date have the mom show up with the other kid at a park or something. Somewhere you don't have to be "responsible".