GIRLFRIEND vs CHILDREN - Advice needed - Should girlfriend go?

vkody wrote: I am 44yo male and divorced with 2 children. 16yo girl and 18yo boy. I have been divorced 5 years (including separation) and dating the same woman for the past 4 years and living together for 2.

My girlfriend want us to buy a house together and get married. I have a problem with her relationship with my children, especially my daughter. After all these years together, my girlfriend has No relationship with my children. I see my kids often as we live 5 minutes apart. When they come to my home, my girlfriend may say "hi" and thats it. She makes no attempt to talk with them or get to know them. My children feel that they are disliked.

When my children are not present she makes numerous negative comments about my daughter, many mean spirited or critical about her dress, make up, perfume, friends, etc.

Pause. I am a professional that has thought this through and made every attempt to make this relationship better. We have discussed it until I am blue in the face and my head wants to explode.

Today my girlfriend asked if we could go back to Hawaii this summer or on another cruise. I suggested that my 2 children and her 22 year old son join us. She did not want to have anything to do with this and suggested that I go alone with them.

The ironic thing is that I allowed her son (22 years old) to live with us in my home for 4 months and welcomed him.

You get the picture. The caviat is that we get along 110% without the kids. My feelings are that after 4 years and endless conversations, I give up. My relationship with my children is more important and I think its time to break up. She feels that we should be able to be together and have separate lives with our children and families. I disagree.

What is your advice here. Thank you..

TeagansMom609 replied: That's a really tough call. I myself am married to someone with 2 kids from a previous relationship. Ages, 5, and 9. We have one daughter together and another baby on the way. I have a VERY hard time accepting his other kids. We have been together for a few years and honestly I feel that his other kids are just a pain in the butt. I feel HORRIBLE for feeling that way, but it's something I have tried to get over and deal with but for some reason I just can't. So, I can understand how she is feeling, but I can understand your side too. I think it has to do with her wanting you all to herself, and wanting you and her to be in your own "little world" together with no outside distractions or attention. I think there are alot of people out there that feel that way, and yes it is selfish. Some people get over it and some people just can't. Its almost like your kids are a painful reminder that you once had a serious relationship with someone else and had children with them therefor, a bond, or link with that person for the rest of your life. I must say I do have conversations with my husband's kids, and I do play with them, etc., but in the back of my mind im not doing it because I want to, im doing it because I have to. If she isn't putting ANY effort into it at all maybe it is time to split, OR try couseling. I hope I was of some help.

bwalkerletters replied: Well, I've been there as a man coming into the picture of someone that already had 2 kids. I think it's important to be a part of their lives, but realistically, it's a very hard transition, for everyone involved. Honestly, I would say that if you are with someone that is bad talking your kids, it's only going to get worse. Just my opinion.............I now have 2 little girls myself, and the biggest turn off for me is when I'm dating someone, and I talk about my girls and they show no interest in hearing about them. I know it's a hard situation, been there done that........but I think you should be with someone who wants to work towards being a family, not one who wants to keep it "separate".

lisar replied: The advice I give is that yopur kids come first. My DH is not the biological father of my first child however if you ask him she is his. He claims her 110%. We dont tell people any diffrent we are going to have her name changed and he is going to adopt her as long as the sperm donor has no problems with it. The sperm donor refuses to have anything to do with her after several attempts I gave up. That is what I think though. If she cant have a relationship with you and your kids then why have one at all. There are plenty of women out there that would not be like that. Especially if you welcomed her son in with out problems.

Lisa

TANNER'S MOM replied: Well this is a hard one..

I can't imagine someone NOT having the same feelings for my children. I was a package. A WHOLE big package of exhusband and 2 kids and childhood buggage..but my DH loved me soo much he embraced all of it. Including my children. Nothing in this world is as important as our children.

We make decision TOGETHER about our children. and by our I mean HiS MINE AND OURS..we are united in the love we give them.

I show his daughter as much love and respect as I do my own children and he the same. I do nothing for Tiffany my step daughter that my own daughter doesn't get.

It has not been easy..it has been very hard at times. For no fault of our children. But I could NOT love a man who did love his chilren enough to DEMAND love and respect for THEM..let alone him.

I believe if it is true love w/ you then she would try to have a relationship with them. It is hard at first. I have been a step mom for 8 years..and it is hard at times but the other times..when everything flows and she tells me she loves..it is perfect@ then I know why I am a MOM...every kind of Mom ..real step..biological..emotional...everything.

That is love..when I can open my heart to someone who never shared my body..true love!

paradisemommy replied: ita with everyone else - you have been with her for quite a while already and if she has made no attempt to bond with your children and especially hearing her bad mouth your daughter, i would be irate and tell her it's time to move on. your kids will always be your kids and will never be going anywhere - especially the fact that you opened up your house to her son....shame on her - i say, no matter how painful, get rid of her and find someone who would love to share the 2 beautiful gifts in your life now and always..

vkody replied: Thanks for the responses and I hope to hear more.

The first response was most curious. I can understand "some feelings" of not being attached, but I think that if you really love someone, you would look at the bigger picture - which is - if my mate is happy, I will be happy. Two people that unite together should support each other and compromise.

My children are old enough that she does not have to play a parental role. They are responsible, well behaved, exceptional students and socialize very well. I feel that she is punishing them. My god, they were only small children when we started dating and they have never stopped us from sharing a wonderful life for the past several years.

If this was a story - she would be the tin man "no heart"

Although it is a tough decision, I think it's time to move on. I would like to celebrate the union of two families and don't believe in separate lives.

Keep the thoughts coming.. I look forward to reading opinions on both side.

bwalkerletters replied: Well, whatever decision you make, make it with your children in mind. Your kids may not need a parental role in their lives, but I don't care what age they are, they need someone there that they KNOW loves them, and supports them.

Alice replied: First, a disclaimer: this is my only marriage, as well as my husband's. There are no prior children in the picture. So I have no right to give advice. However, that has never stopped me before


I agree that it's time to "move on"

It's one thing to not feel love or even affection for your spouse's kids. It's another thing to not even make an effort. Saying "hi" doesn't count-- I do that to the lady pan-handling in the mall. After 4 years she should be able to manage a conversation: "So, how was that trig test?" kind of stuff, even if it's on a fairly superficial basis.

And to act catty to you about your kids; is she kidding?? That's the kind of stuff you share with your diary or your best friend, if it absolutely has to be said to anyone at all. Putting down your kids is a direct hit: it's aimed right at your heart. So I'm not sure about that "110%" you get along-- how could she be so knowingly hurtful to you??

You sound like a nice guy and a great father. Find someone who can love you and your kids. The very best of luck!!!

gr33n3y3z replied: You seem to be a very smart man
I'm sure you will choose what is right for your children

JAYMESMOM replied: I have a beautiful step-son from my husband's first marriage. I love him no less than "our" daughter and the two children are treated no differently. I have never understood how someone can want to be part of the husband/wife's life and not want to be part of the children's life.

I think it is selfish on the person's part for not wanting anything to do with the children. Children define a person and if they can't accept the children. I couldn't be in a relationship with it.

My feeling on this go as far as grandparents. My parents treat my step-son just like my daughter. THere is no difference at all. That is the way it has to be or it will not happen for one.

Good luck in what ever you decide.

amymom replied:
I could not have said it better myself. Good luck to you. This is a great forum for support. Welcome

CCTandME replied: My boyfriend had 5 children when we got together 8+ yrs ago. I tried from the beginning to have a friendship w/ all of his kids. No, I can't say I love any of them, but I do care about them. I have and still do alot for all of his kids. Yes, they annoy the hell out of me at times, but so do our 3 girls we have together.
There have been times in the past that I have put distance between me and his older kids. His kids now range from 16-26. I did art projects w/ the 2 younger kids when they were little, brought them shopping for gifts for their dad from them. I tried to include them. I brought all 3 of his older kids to get their driver license. Let his older son borrow my car every night to go to work or during the day to go to a friends when he lived w/ us for a few months. Whenever they come over I try to make meals they like. I brought his daughter prom dress shopping w/ a 2yo, 5yo and I was 8mo pregnant. I didn't want to, but it was important to her and nobody else was doing it.
I'd say if she hasn't shown ANYTHING then it's time to move on. If she can't even attempt a friendship with them or can bad mouth them. I would never do that.
Good luck to you!!

Jamielou replied: I dont know i think that she should at least try to have a relationship with your kids and def. not bad mouth them to you that is very disrespectful. But i have something similar going on here. but they are young where your kids are older. I was wondering what is her excuse when you ask her why she feels this way? The only advise i can give you is to do what you think is best for you and your kids... Good luck

kel replied: hi

i am not in your position but my father was married before he married my mother and he had a son from the relationship..my mom made every effort to include him into our lives (even though he is a lot older) and he was treated the same as us..all the time...i can see how it must be hard to deal with other peoples kids but to not even make an effort is aweful!

i know if my dh had to have other kids i would try my absolute best to love them and make them apart of our daily lives..i think its insensitive to just shove them off to the side like they dont exist..

if i was in another relationship i would demand that kira gets treated with the respect and love she deserves..if my partner didnt take an interest in her i know i would be heartbroken because she is my heart and no one messes with that..

i would move on..do you really want your kids to get married,have their own kids etc and feel like they cant include you or your g/f in their lives?
imo if she wanted you to be happy and fulfilled she would try to get to know your kids..they are apart of you and she should want to love them and know them..
anything less than that in unacceptable (to me anyway)
good luck..its a tough position to be in..

My2Beauties replied: I have a stepdaugher who is 9 years old and you best believe if I didn't open my heart to her my DH would have booted me out in the beginning! I'm sorry but if your girlfriend can't even make an attempt to get to know your kids for the great people they are then it's time to leave her sorry behind! Sorry to be so blunt but I think it's wrong! Even if she doesn't have affection for them she could at least try for your sake. She should not be blatantly disrespecting you by talking down about your children - she needs a reality check! How dare she ! I love my stepdaughter as if she was my own and having her in my life has been wonderful - I think if your girlfriend would open her eyes she would see your children are wonderful as well!

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I also have no personal experience with step children. However, my brother has a son from a previous relationship and when he started dating his (now wife) she was so wonderful to my nephew. To this day she loves him like he is her own. She actually forced my brother to be more active in his life. And IMO she is a better mother to him than his own mom. And the thing is, she HATES his mother...they have always been enemies. Now if that's not love, I don't know what is! They now have their own child and have bought a house. The first room that was done in the house was my nephews. They wanted to make it feel like home for him. And he loves it there. He loves his step mom and his little brother.

I just think this is how it should be. I think you should put your selfish feelings aside for the interest of the children. When you marry a man/woman who has children....you are an instant family. Sometimes when children act up and are brats, it is for a good reason.

kel replied: this post has been bothering me for a few hours..i am so not judging any of you stepmommies etc but i just cannot get over how you cannot love your dh/so's kids from previous relationships..the thought of someone rejecting/not wanting to be with my child just cause she isnt biologically theirs is so shocking to me..i dont know,maybe im hormonal but some of the comments on this thread have really upset me.
i also feel like if you didnt have kids of your own then yes,perhaps it would be hard to connect with the child/ren but as a mom myself i just would hate for any child to feel unwanted/unloved/uncomfortable.. its inconcievable to me..
hanna's mommy you are fabulous..i can just see in the way you talk about your stepdaughter that you must adore her loads..

bwalkerletters replied: I'm totally with you on this Kel......I don't understand how anyone can say that the stepkids are basically "in the way". There's one particular post that really bothers me. I have been a stepdad before, and when I'd say how many kids I had, they were included. I'm sure these are the same people get "family" pictures together, but without the WHOLE family.......that's totally wrong.

Jamielou replied:
Which post are you referring to?

Jamie

bwalkerletters replied: I'm not goint to point any out........they know who they are, I'm sure........

kel replied: they are pretty obvious..Imo

Jamielou replied: O.k. But in my opinion i think you are being just a little harsh. There are a lot of different situations.

bwalkerletters replied: I don't think saying the include your stepchildren and WANTING your stepchildren in the picture is being harsh. I DO think not wanting them around, and dealing with them because you have to, not because you want to IS being harsh.........

kel replied: yup you are right..there are a lot of situations and yes,it must be damn hard to try and blend 2 families..no doubt about that...
in my opinion though if you truly love someone,feel secure in their company and KNOW that they love you then there is no excuse for not including an innocent child into your life..
i love my partner so much and if he did have another child i honestly would try my very best to get to know them and love them..
i mean ..who is the adult and who is the child..?? surely if you love your partner you'd want to embrace anything that they love....
and if your dh accepts this attitude of not including their kids in their new families what does that say about them??
if you have an issue with a mommy of a stepchild get over it..simple as that..if you are secure there is no reason to reject an innocent child..

kel replied: the question too is..would you treat/want your child to be treated in the same manner in which you treat your step kids??
imagine your own child being referred to as a pain in the arse..the thought of someone not loving kira as much as i do sickens me..to treat her as if she is anything less than a princess is disgusting..

bwalkerletters replied: oh no doubt..........I have a pretty good sense of who shows genuine interest in my children or not.

~KARA~ replied: Id have to say kick the g/f to the curb!!!

If my dh hadnt accepted my dd there is no way we would still be together.

This should be an easy one Pick your kids of the g/f!!

CCTandME replied: bwalker...... I think I know which poster you are referring to, but if you honestly haven't been on that side of the situation it is hard to understand. You may have even been referring to my post, which I truelly mean every word I wrote. The other poster I think you may have been referring to also states that she feels horrible to feel that way. She was honest about her feelings and really shouldn't be bashed. It's hard to share feelings like that. I too couldn't imagine someone not liking my kids. I wouldn't really expect them to love them, but care would be nice. That is a huge reason I wouldn't have an interest in anyone if Bruce and I were to split up. I have also been the kid in these type of situations. I can see it from all sides. Every situation is different, but the one thing that should be top priority in each situation.......THE KIDS!!!!!

bwalkerletters replied: I HAVE been in that situation. I was a stepfather of 2 little girls.........I already said that.

CCTandME replied:
Sorry!! Not trying to fight here. I really don't like confrontation. Especially on the computer.

bwalkerletters replied: I'm not fighting, just saying that I have been in that situation......you stated that I hadn't, so I was correcting you.....

CCTandME replied:
I'm reading this w/ you having a pissed off tone. Don't know if I am right or not. Again, SORRY!!!!

bwalkerletters replied: not at all........maybe you just was expecting mad.......sorry, it takes a lot to get me MAD. Messing with my kids is top of the list.

CCTandME replied:
I think it was the HAVE being all caps. I kinda took that as shouting. I really try to avoid posts like this because somebody always gets hurt and I hate to be a part of that. Glad you aren't yelling at me.

bwalkerletters replied: Sorry, not fighting at all.......but this subject is a sensitive subject for me. THE KIDS should be #1, stepkids included. I'll end it with that........

JessC replied: Kids no matter what should be #1. It sounds like the GF needs to go, if she isnt willing to accept your kids then how would you know if she EVER will?! KWIM?
You have to do whats best for your children, dont leave them behind, and don't leave them out.
You chose to have them, so therefore you have to do whats best to make their needs happy, cause if you dont nobody in the family will be happy, and I personally wouldnt want to live in a house like that.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
I think you answered your own question. Why be with someone you think has "no heart"???????? Good luck with your decision.

Jamielou replied:
Sorry didnt mean to offend anybody in any way I was just saying there is probably a whole lot more to it than that. I totally agree kids always should come first they will always be there. I also see it from both sides, I had a daughter and he has two boys and i would never ever treat his kids with disrespect because i know how i want mine to be treated but like my situation i love his boys and treat them like my own when they are here but their mom will not let me have anything to do with them when she has them no phone calls nothing she even put the toys i sent to them in a black garbage bag and told them she was giving them away because she knew i got them. They have to call me female instead of jamie. I mean it goes on and on. so its not for my lack of trying to be a part of their lives. And again sorry if i did anything to offend anybody didnt mean for it to sound the way it came out...

Jamie

bwalkerletters replied: You didn't Jamie..........but that situation of calling you "female" isn't the kids fault. That's something that has to be dealt with with their mother. I'm definitely not saying it's easy, because it isn't. I've been there, done that. Blending a family is probably the hardest job in the world. Everyone has to learn their roles in the family, including the kids. It takes time, but my thing is that the adults (parent and stepparent) have to SHOW the children that they are there for them. The stepparent definitely has to earn their respect and trust. It's much easier on younger kids than older kids.

TeagansMom609 replied: Ok, first off let me just apologize to Kel and Bwalkersletters for making it hard for you to sleep at night. Well, I guess it was wrong of me to say how I personally feel and to say how horrible i feel about it. Another thing, I never treat my DH's kids bad, I ALWAYS play with them and hang out with them when I see them. I don't ever say anything bad about them to my DH, etc. So no one knows how I feel deep inside about the situation, well now you do, but that's it. So, don't act or make it sound like I am some horrible person, who hate's my DH's kids and treats them like crap. Have some respect for people's opinion's and post's. I don't always agree with what you say either.

bwalkerletters replied: I've always had respect for peoples posts, even yours. I have always enjoyed reading yours, but this is one I disagree with. No hard feelings from me, and no lack of sleep on my part. My girls are the only ones I'd lose sleep over. Everything I've seen and/or read from you tells me that you are a great mother. It's ok to disagree sometimes.

Jamielou replied:
I totally agree on that... we arent married so i am not technically a step parent but i will always treat them well.


Jamie

kel replied:
i said it bothered me ..i didnt lose any sleep except when i had to get up for kira twice last night

its nothing personal (i did not mention any names as youll see from my posts) just my opinion ..i, for one appreciate your honesty..i may not agree with you but appreciate it non the less..and im sure there are loads of people in your position who feel this way..

and i am not the type of person to judge .so i dont at all think you are a horrible ,evil stepmother....you come across as being anything BUT that..

ferocity302 replied: wow......

If someone is taking a previous relationship out on the children from that relationship and being jelous over it, grow up.

If the children don't have the best "real" mom to teach them the things they need to know to become good kids that aren't a "pain in the butt" then what a wonderful opportunity to show those kids some love and guidance!

I have had relationships that involved other children and in every situation I have treated the kids like my own. I have even not liked the mom but took the opportunity to be the best step mom I could be. I even attempted home schooling a child from a past relationship to try and get him on the right track.

I have not liked every ex that a boyfriend I may be with has had but that is no reason to take it out on the kids.

I have left many of relationships because my kids came to me to tell me they were not being treated well when I was not around and both them and I am better off because of it.

Blending a family is very difficult but if there has been that much time that has been invested and still no connection........ there never will be IMO.

take care and remember......... Kids come first.

Alice replied:
That was pretty much my point way back when. Maybe the girl friend really can't help how she feels about his two kids. But she's an adult--she can certainly control how she reacts to them and what she says about them. They're teenagers-- it really doesn't take that much effort. They don't want someone to run their lives, just to show a bit of interest. We're talking conversation, not brain surgery here. Yet she seems determined not to even try for that much.

And as for expressing her opinions about his kids-- that's just mean!! Someone who could intentionally hurt me with comments like those has no place in my heart.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Here`s my personal take on it...and i now not everyone will like what they read....

My HUSBAND (just got married...lol!!!!) has a niece and a nephew. They are DH`s brother`s kids, they are 4 and 3. THey are a MAJOR pain in my butt... I just don`t like them. They are bratty, they whine, etc etc.... but I would NEVER EVER EVER treat the kids any differently than my own, and I would NEVER act crappy around them for any reason. I wouldn`t bring them to my house any less than any other child in my family foer a visit, I don`t give them anything less for birthdays and christmas etc...I don`t hug them less, don`t kiss them less, don`t smile less, don`t talk to them less... when it comes down to it - it`s not THEIR fault that I don`t like them, why should they be punished for MY personal feelings?

kwim?

I would NEVER tell my DH that he should visit his brother on his own beacuse I don`t want to see his niece and nephew.... they are part of my extended family, they will be for a very long time - so even if I may not necessarily like them right at the moment, it doesn`t mean I don`t love them as a part of DH`s family. The best I can do is suck it up - they`re innocent children, they just rub me the wrong way, and I`m going to be the bigger person and try my best to have them like ME, maybe eventually I will like them.

I sdon`t want to sound harsh - but even if your gf doesn`t like your kids, she should still make an effort. It`s EXACTLY like an in-law - you may not like your mother-in-law - but you need to suck it up and be a daughter in law. Kwim?

On the other hand - if someone didn`t like my kids, and I learned about it, I`d probably be a little disspointed, sure - but everyone is entitled to their own feelings, however I would not have the same kidn of relationship with that person after I found out - because my children are a part of me - however I wouldn`t necessarily give up a friend because my son annoys her - it`s ME she became friends with, not my son - I don`t HAVE to have my son around when I`m with her, and she dosen`t HAVE to come over when the kids are around. But we do, because we`re friends - I jst try to get her over when my kids are sleeping, or eating - they seem to annoy her less then.....

But seriously - if your gf has made NO EFFORT whatsoever, then I say that it might be time to tell her that your kids are a part of you. If you are ready to move on to another relationship, then it may be time to do so - obviously your gf does not respect your feelings,l and finds it too hard to accept all parts of you. I`d say that if the kids were only over like 3 or 4 times a year, I`d tell her to suck it up - but since you see them often, she needs to, scuse my expression, crap or get off the pot.

You know?

So I`m sorry if I`ve offended anyone.... I just... well, I know how she could feel.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: So?

is there an update to this?