Frustrated with DH - Sorry so long!!

Edward's Mommy wrote: Okay, this has been going on for a while and I can't take it anymore. DH just started a new just in January. I want to open a bank account so we don't just spend the money on something we don't need and save it for something we DO need. He says, "It's my money, I'll do with it what I want." I tell him that it's our money and I have a right to make as much decsion as he does. Well he gets his check cashed and give me money for bills and keeps the rest. I don't know what he does with it. He tells me all the time, "If you want money, go get a job." I so want to smack him when he says this!

Plus, Edward screams and cries all day and I can't get him to calm down too much. And I've been having a hard time getting Edward to take naps and go to bed in his own crib. When DH gets home, I'm so exhausted that I'm really not in the mood for a whole lot of things. I make him dinner and talk about his day then we go to bed after I take sometime to be here for a little while. The other day he got mad at me because I was on here when he got home. He won't help me with Edward. He won't change any diapers or give him a bottle or feed him baby food. He want's no interaction with the baby but wants to tell him no when the baby goes for something DH doesn't want him to have. I can't even leave Edward with Chris long enough to make dinner because Chris won't watch him. I deal with a screaming baby all day and by the end of the day, I'm so tired and Chris comes home and wants sex or something else and I tell him, "I'm sorry, I'm just so tired." and he says "You're home all day with the baby, how hard could your day be?" And I want to say, stay home alone with the baby yourself and see!

MyBrownEyedBoy replied: I hear you sister. It isn't easy, and I completely understand. I don't have any solutions, though. I just wanted to give you hugs.

blue72 replied: I feel for you. I would fight to have a checking/savings account. I control all our finances and I wouldn't have it any other way. You do have a job and it is a hard one. Being with a fussy baby is far harder than going to work. Hats off to all you stay at home moms. Don't let anyone give you the impression that you don't work. You do work and you work hard!

mckayleesmom replied: I would remind him that if you have to go to work....that he better think of all "his money" that he won't have anymore because it will go towards daycare.

Edward's Mommy replied: Well, when we first got married, I had the job and I went to work everyday! And I never pulled this crap on him! Plus, he's been with out a job since Edward was born! IN JULY! UGGG!!

mckayleesmom replied: Next time he asks you for S*%....tell him that you would have liked someone to help with "our" child today...so it looks like were both SOL.

Tylersmommy replied: SAME EXACT THING I GO THROUGH EVERY DAY!!!! You are so not alone. He thinks that I have it so easy taking care of Tyler and being pregnant and all this. I change all the diapers give all of his baths (which hurts when I bend over to wash him) make almost all the meals (sometimes he cooks) and I do laundry (which has to be washed every three days or I get complained at saying I don't do anything ) and clean and I have to have his clothes and shower things ready for him when he gets home too. And none of it's our money it's supposedly all his just like your DH. And he comes home and once the baby is in bed he wants me to have sex or give him a back massage or whatever. The other day he came home in a bad mood and he started yelling at me because I wasn't sure what I was making for dinner yet and he yelled at me for not cleaning (which I had ) and he yelled at me because we had to go to the store to get milk for Tyler and then he told me he was going to leave me and all this other stuff. I gave him the silent treatment for the rest of the night and he finally appologized for being a jerk. So anyways I have the same problem lol.

PrairieMom replied:
I'f my DH tried to pull this crap on me i'd kick his a$$! It sounds like your DH needs a little sensitivity training and a reality check! Have you thought about couples counseling? I'm sorry, this must be so hard and frusterating for you.

luvmykids replied: I'm sorry, some guys just don't get it.

mckayleesmom replied:
My husband trys to tell me to do stuff and I just look at him and we both start laughing....That will so never happen.

Edward's Mommy replied:
I don't have a washer and dryer, and I don't have any money to go to a laundry room. So I HAND WASH all our clothes and then, he comes home and says "Why isn't this shirt clean?" Well, I only have two hands and no room to hang anything to dry it. I have to put it all on hangers and hang it off the shower rod. Then he gets mad because I hang them in the bathrrom to dry.

MyBrownEyedBoy replied: Wow, hon, sounds like you need to sit him down and tell him how things are. It isn't too expensive to go to a laundromat and if he wants his shirt clean, you should hand him 6 quarters and some soap and tell him where the nearest one is.

Edward's Mommy replied:
That would make me feel so wonderful!!

CosmetologyMommy replied: dh is the only one that works with us too because I am in school and if he ever said that...............it would not be pretty,

Cece00 replied: I mean this in the least offensive way possible, but you have got to stop letting him walk all over you.

IMO, his behavior is ABSURD & I would NOT put up with it if that was my husband.

Especially the money thing, the no help with the baby & the laundry thing. Most especially the money. My husband is the only one that works, too, but I would rip his balls off & feed them to him if he acted like that towards me.

Seriously, I am getting angry FOR you right now. I can not even imagine being in that situation, it would seriously be a problem for me.

PrairieMom replied:
I'm gonna have to agree. you don't deserve to be treated like that.

MyLuvBugs replied: Ok. I just read your post to my husband, and this was his exact quote:
"Wow. Homeboy needs to be slapped into reality." And I happen to agree. You're husband is acting VERY selfish and piggish. I'm so sorry, but those feelings your having about what you would like to say to him....SAY THEM. He seems all fine and dandy with telling you off and making you feel like crap, see how he likes it in reverse. JMHO!

MyLuvBugs replied:
DUDE! Seriously, he's being a jerk! I say, the next time he makes a snide remark about what you do around the house (ie. the laundry), Just say "Well, if you think you can do better with (whatever it is), then do it your D@#$ self."

Cece00 replied:
I did this the other day with DH

He complained about how I hung up his work pants, something with the creases...I mean really, he drives like 5-6 hrs a day, they get wrinkled ANYWAY....but I digress...

Anyway, so I listened to him rant about them...he went to take a shower & came out & aplogized for being an ass (I didnt think it warranted an apology, personally, but I wasnt going to tell HIM that ).

Two days later, his work clothes were in the dryer...I called him & told him to come & fold them.

When he was done he said "Yeah, thats the last time I complain about the clothes, I think."



Problem solved.

blue72 replied: Get a checking account. If something happens to him or happens with your relationship you will have NO money and NO job. Good luck!

CAMSMOM1 replied: Brandi,

You know I love you sweetie. And I would never want to say anything to hurt your feelings, but I know that you deserve much better than this!!! You are an AMAZING woman, and you are being treated like a 3rd class citizen in your own house! He will never understand how much you do, because HE'S NEVER DONE IT!! How could he possibly act as if you don't do anything, because he has never accepted his role or responsiblities as a father. He doesn't take care of his son, he goes on the internet (you know what I'm talking about), he keeps you on a lock and chain.

Any man who controls money, is simply tring to control his woman. He wants you to be so dependant on him, that you will have to ask him for money...like a child would! That is equally your money, and you do work hard for it!

You WORK! I bet he could never be able to do your job for a week straight, without feeling burned out. Not only is it hard taking care of an infant, but doing all the chores he asks of you, WASHING CLOTHES BY HAND, and then having dinner ready for him when he gets home, and willing to jump into bed enthusiastically for sex....DREAM ON BUDDY!

I heard once on Dr. Phil, that woman who are SAHM, work an equivilant of 2 Full Time jobs! And all the husbands that went on that show, saying their wives didn't do enough...or not enough to consider it a "job", were all put to the test and had to be SAHD. And all of them, by the end of the show, we not only appreicating what their wives did everyday, but said they could never do what they do everyday. (and all of them couldn't complete the chores, and duties) And I'm sure if your DH, ever had the chance to be in your shoes, he would never act the way he is.

Have you heard the saying, people only treat you the way you allow them to? As long as you put up with this BS, then things will never change. And I would hate to see you as a doormat. I'm sure your DH loves you, but he is not respecting you.

I would suggest you talk to your DH, and like the others said...give him a reality check. He needs one. And you need to stand up for yourself sweetie. What is he teaching Edward by acting like this? And how sad is it, that Edward doesn't get any affection or time from his Dad. He is equally a parent, and should be doing his part.

I'm only saying this, because I"ve been in your shoes. Not to the same extreme, but Justin wouldn't take care of our son when he was younger. And that had to stop. I put my foot down, and he knew I was serious. Something had to change, because I wasn't going to live like a single mother any longer. And he has made some major leaps & bounds, but I have to keep on him, and he knows where I stand. And now that he does take care of Cameron, they have the deepest bond. This can get better, but you have to do something. As long as you stay quiet, then this will never change.

Big hugs for you. And I will chat with you later (PM).



Ann

luvmykids replied: You are supposed to be partners. Partners in finances, partners in raising your child, etc. Marriage is give and take and I don't just mean 50-50.

I understand having a thick headed husband who just doesn't get it. There are some things I don't know if I'll ever get through to him. But Brandi, you have GOT to stand up for yourself. I know that's easier said than done sometimes but you are raising his child, he is working to support his family for petes sake. The idea that it's HIS money is BS!!!!! If you can't get through to him, get a counselor.

You are a wonderful mom and wife. You are being treated unfairly. You deserve better.

holley79 replied: I'm sorry that it's like that. Too bad you couldn't leave him for a day with him so then maybe he would appreciate it.

Bee_Kay replied: I really have to respond to this post.

I have been with my husband for almost 16 years, through ups and downs.

He tried this crap with me.... complain and b*tch and moan... and the *HIS* money bs.

I'll tell you what I did.
I stopped everything I did for him. I responded "I am a SAHM not a stay at home WIFE. So, I'm done! Anything around this house that has to do with you.... do it yourself!!".

I'd make dinner and the kids and I would eat BEFORE he got home from work. He'd ask for dinner, I told him we already had dinner.

I stopped doing his laundry. It was a "humorous" day the day he had to put on a dirty pair of pants because he didn't do his own laundry.

So, after a few days of him eating PB&J sandwiches and wearing dirty pants, it came to a screeching halt and he simply didn't complain anymore about "what I did around here"

Another time, we were having a really "down" time in our marriage and we separated for a short time. (He used the "you're with me for the money BS). So, when we separated he INSISTED that I take the furniture, dishes.... everything. I simply replied "You keep YOUR %^&*ing stuff, I don't want it. You thought I was with you for YOUR money and stuff.... you can darn well keep it all"!!!!

In one week, I had a fulltime job, savings and checking account and approved for a mortgage loan.

He straightened his attitude up RIGHT THEN. All this was 6 years ago and since then..... NOT ONE COMPLAINT!!!

You have to put your foot down and not take that sh*t from him. Seriously. You deserve better treatment and you deserve to be appreciated !!! Good luck!!!

CAMSMOM1 replied:

I'm so glad you wrote that Barb!!! That was exactly what I was trying to say in my post.
He needs a reality check sweetie! And as long as you cater to him, he will never get it. I know it seems harsh, and unloving to be like this....but it hasn't bothered him that he treats you this way. Sometimes us women have to get our backbones, and say "enough is enough"....."I love you, but I'm not going to live like this anymore!!!!" And then, you do what you need to do.

fashionmumofboys replied: Ditto to what everyone else has said.

You should sit down with DH and have a good firm talk with him. He sounds like he wants to control you and you have to depend on him for everything.

Good luck!!

I hope he gets his act together soon.

Mommy2Isabella replied: WHAT! When I read your post, MY MOUTH DROPPED. I also stay at home. I had to quit working, a semi-different situation.

Sal got all in a tussy a few weeks ago about me not doing anything. What he didn't realize is that our house was just SO upside down, that it looked like I hadn't done anything when in all actuality I had.

One thing that BLEW MY MIND, was the money thing! He may MAKE the money, but does he pay you for washing his clothes and watching the baby? NO! < I am just going off of assumptions on that! )! If I were in your shoes, I would ask him if he wants to put the baby in daycare so you can go to work? If he says no, I would tell him to stop complaining and the next day he has off to be in your posistion, because YOU DON'T GET DAYS OFF. No one is there to give you a break.

URG, I am so angry at your DH! BLAH! I send you LOTS OF HUGS and a few KICKS for your DH.

I hope things get better for you. Stick up for yourself, and SAY what you want to say!

J-rod replied: i wouldnt have the b***s to say something like that to my SO. i believe in 50/50, give and take, and sharing everything.

so sorry your going thru this...best of luck

Crystalina replied: I feel for you. Not to be disrespectful to you but he sounds like one of those control freaks. You need to take control. I'm not telling you to do this because I don't want to be responsible if it backfires but this is what I would do in your shoes. I would pack my bags and all the babies bags and tell him to call you when he wants to be a father and husband. That includes cutting the crap about "it's my money", hell no. I would not put up with that. And not helping you with the baby, didn't he help make that baby? If he wants a wife and family then he needs to treat you with respect and that includes giving you access to money for whatever you may need and helping you with the baby. I've told my DH before "I help you out by paying the bills and not blowing all of the money, you need to help me out by helping with the house and kids.".
If it were me I would let him know what life would be like if he had to do everything for himself. It sounds to me like he's taking you and the baby for granted. You'll be there to clean and do "wifely" things and the baby is there when and if he wants to notice him.
This is solely my opinion from what I read but before you do anything you need to think about it. I think he really needs a dose of 'Momma ain't taking this crap.".

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: Well everyone has already said pretty much what's on my mind. So all I must say is that you don't deserve to be treated that way!

CosmetologyMommy replied: is there anyway u could get even a part time job so u could open an account and have laundry money?

~~*Missi*~~ replied: Umm I don't know what will solve the problem cause if my Chris (DH) did that I would smack the living dookey out of him LOL!

I don't know but talk to him! If things don't get better seek other outside counseling.

Sorry he is like that and doing that.

Insanemomof3 replied: I agree with what everyone here has already said. I am sorry he is being such an A$$.

Just wanted to give you

Edward's Mommy replied:
I haven't been on lately, mainly because of my smashed finger! The apartment has been a horrible mess for a while. Chris said something to me last night about it, and I said, "Look, I know during the day I'm supposed to watch the baby and clean the house. But I've been slacking because if you're not going to help me by underdressing in the bedroom and putting your dishes in the kitchen when you're done, then I won't clean up after you! You're a big boy, you can do some things yourself. I'm your wife, not your maid!!" I told him that I want to get this apartment clean so I can put up fliers to babysit in our home. I told him to help me keep the place clean and to watch the baby just so I can shower! I told him "I don't give a s*** if you make that money, I clean your house and watch your child! Plus I scrub the floor after YOUR dog. Either you be a man, and learn how to be a father and a husband or you get the heck out and Edward and I will make this work without you!" And he said that he was sorry and even cleaned the kitchen and made dinner. Tomorrow is his day off, and we're going to clean the apartment so I can start putting up fliers. I want the job so I can pay for laundry and we need a car. But I told him this crap can't go on anymore and if it happens again, I'm taking Edward and I'm leaving. Next paycheck, we are opening a checking account.

luvmykids replied: I'm proud of you! Stick to your guns, don't let him think he only has to be nice for a day or two and then go back to the old routine. Good job!!!

kayla's mama replied: Glad that you and your DH are going to try to work it out Sometimes men just need everything spelled out to them, kwim

Edward's Mommy replied: I wanted to thank all of you for your help and support. Thank you for making me realize that he can't treat me this way and that I deserve better. It helped a lot and I can't thank you enough!

CAMSMOM1 replied:

I'm glad you took our advice/support the right way. I know it can be hard hearing things like this, but you now realize that it's because NO woman/wife deserves to be treated the way you have. And because we want the best for you.

I'm soooooooooooooooo glad you stuck up for yourself to him!!! WTG BRANDI!! Now that you told him exactly how you feel, and you aren't putting up with his crap, he has been warned. I'm glad he decided to help out around the house.

But like Monica said, make sure this is an on-going thing. He needs to continue this path, and not forget the words you said. You will have to stand your ground forever, and not let up on him...even if he says he's had a hard day at work, or whatever. Cause trust me, guys will be on their best behavior for awhile, then they get comfortable and slip back into their old ways.

I understand you wanting a P/T job. I also work part-time, and I love being able to get out of the house, and feel like I"m contributing financally. But even if I wasn't, I would still have my own bank card & account, I would still ask for his help, and I wouldn't let him tell me what to do. You are an equal partner in this relationship, if you are working or not. Remember that.

And know that I love you sweetie, you know that I'm here for you. And I'll be talking with you soon. And I'm SO PROUD OF YOU for sticking up for yourself!!!



Ann

gr33n3y3z replied:

Bee_Kay replied:
Brandi - I am SOOOOOOOO proud of you!!!

Now make sure that this is an on-going thing.... not just a temporary thing to appease (sp?) you.

Good for you!!!!

PrairieMom replied: Good for you! I hope his change of attitude sticks!

jem0622 replied: I'm sorry I did not read this sooner. He has zero respect for you. And it is a marriage. Everything should be shared. Seek out counseling and if he refuses then I would think long and hard about staying b/c I'd be miserable with that kind of a circumstance.

I get home and instantly take over with the kids. DH is home with them all day. I do baths, jammies, bottles, and put everyone down to bed. I even make dinner if we don't have leftovers.

I just don't find this to be good and healthy. I hope DH agrees to counseling.



ETA: I just read your update and I hope that his change does stick. If not, then please go to counseling. I am glad he is showing support of you having your own business. That is truly what it is. You will be a business woman. Make sure you draw up an informal contract with all parents though to protect both parties (re: payment, vacation, illness, meal policies). GL!

TANNER'S MOM replied: Well alot of what everyone else said I completely agree with.

But I want to mention is distance to your son. To me that is uncalled for and not fair to your child. If he wants to control you, that is between you and him but your child should not enter into the picture here. That is his son..and if he doesn't want to be a father..then maybe it is time to move on.

A son needs a father, you need a help mate..if he can't do these things..it's time to realize it. I am just sadden by the emtional detachement with the baby. When I think of my Dh and the trouble we have had for our marriage. He has never brought that into the children lives. The kids have always been above any of this.

He needs to grow up and take care of his son.. He is not a child here.. he has ONE.

Bee_Kay replied:
This reply got me thinking... I didn't really touch base on this in my reply.

I would also put my foot down as far his lack of interaction with the baby.

I realize that I may come across as a real b*tch in some of my replies, it's just that after 15 years of marriage I have no problem voicing my opinion to my DH LOL!!!

I think that I would lay it right out on the table (if it were me).

Something like "If you don't want to be a loving and emotionally supportive father to our son, then leave, but I guarantee that you WILL be responsible and pay child support. You choose. Straighten up and be the father that Edward needs, or leave and be a father that financially support him. Choose." (ETA - what I mean is that he can choose with form of support he wants to take)

I know that does seem harsh and incredibly confrontational.... but, like I said, all I really have to go on when I reply is to reflect on my marriage and I can only assume what I would probably do

Best of luck and I really hope that it just gets better and better.

redchief replied: I have never held the attitude that money we earn (note "we") belongs to me. Marriage and child-rearing are a team effort. Now that doesn't mean I don't think my DW or myself shouldn't have a little bit of "mad money." It just means that regardless of our jobs within the familiy, all of the positions have equal worth. Lisa and I discussed, prior to having children, how we would deliver childcare. We decided, as a team, that she would stay home and I would work until they were all in school full-time. We had some lean years, and I'm not saying that is the best or only way to go about raising children. It was simply our choice.

I would NEVER say that staying at home all day with a child isn't work. I've been to that mountain and the climb was no easier than my work. A Native American proverb says, "Never criticize a man until you've walked a mile in his moccasins." I think that's good advice to anyone who would say such a thing about childcare.

Finally I see two problems here. The first is maturity. Your DH seems a bit selfish, and thereby, immature (sorry). This is also exemplified in the "I don't want anyone to know how much money I have; not even my wife" attitude that is displayed. I'll admit, I'm terrible at reconciling my bank account, but with the money there, and the fact that many of our bills are paid online today, it's silly to think you can actually be financially stable without a joint bank account. The second problem I see is one of trust and communication. I don't think you trust what he does when he's not home, and I don't think he trusts you enough to let you know what he does with his money. I don't know what to tell you there. If you can't talk about it, that wound will continue to fester and grow. Good luck!