Friend's 6yo resenting new baby

amynicole21 wrote: Some good friends of ours just had a little baby boy after trying for 5 years and suffering through several miscarriages. They have a 6yo daughter (Katelyn) who is very sweet and loving and very, very spoiled Throughout the pregnancy, Katelyn kept asking whether Mommy and Daddy would still love her when the baby got there. They always reassured her and thought nothing of it. After the baby was born, Katelyn flipped out. She got her school scissors and cut up her new bedspread and some of the clothes in her closet She would scream that nobody loves her. I feel so badly for her, and I know that her parents don't know what to do. Her Daddy has had to be out of town a lot since the birth for work, and the Mom is so busy trying to take care of the baby. All they can do is reassure her that they love her and give her as much one on one attention as possible... I hope that it works.

I just feel so badly for Katelyn. DH and I called to talk to her the other night to let her know that we were thinking about her. Her mom said that she is coming around, so hopefully there won't be any more incidents.

Kaitlin'smom replied: oh my, I hope things get better....have they tried having her help mommy with the baby like getting the diper or wipes?

jcc64 replied: Tell your girlfriend to join the club. Sibling rivalry is unavoidable, particularly in this case where she was front and center for the 1st 6 yrs of her life. The upside of her situation is that at least she's clearly expressing her feelings- all that rage and her direct questions to her parents reveal a child with a pretty high emotional i.q. She's in touch with her emotions. My ds, who is 8, didn't react to the baby until now, 20 months after the fact. And he had no clue what was bothering him- we had to do quite a bit of detective work.
It's important that your girlfriend get her own feelings in order. She should stop feeling so guilty for "doing this" to her dd, I'm quite certain the child is picking up on this (they always do). Although the older child will not see it this way, learning to live with a sibling is a gift in many ways, and once your friend internalizes this idea, she'll stop acting apologetically. In the meantime, she should regularly schedule alone time with the older child, talk it up all day long. Honestly, learning to share mommy is hard, but it will make her a better person in the long run.

coasterqueen replied: Ahhh, I feel bad for her too and her mommy and daddy. This is my worst fear with having another baby! Especially since I'm going to BF the second one. You know how it is you are sooooo busy sitting feeding a baby 24/7, I can't imagine when I'm gonna have time for Kylie at the same time.

momof2girls replied: I know how she feels too my daughter was an only child for 8 years so when the new baby came she was not liking not getting all the attention, although I told her the entire pregnancy just because we have to take care of the baby does not mean we dont love her more.
THe first few months were kinda rough now my oldest loves the baby more then me! as soon as she is up she wants to be the first to hold and play with her

I hope it gets better, tell your friend to hang in there.

I had some good friends that would bring my oldest stuff and talk to her for awhile before they even went up to the baby, maybe you can do that for her it really helped with making her feel special

Kirstenmumof3 replied: I went through this with Spencer before Claudia was born. When we told him I was pregnant he was a little caught off gaurd and started acting up at school and at home. He cut big holes in the table clothes at school and would break his toys. Once Claudia was born, his behaviour changed and now he loves his sister. I think she is probably trying to adjust to not being the centre of attention anymore. This is probably just a phase and she will come around.

DansMom replied: I think it is harder for an older, school age child when he or she has been the only one for so long. That was the case with Adam, a child I babysat who had a new sister, Julia, come along at the age of 5. I was quite surprised at how much resentment he had and how long it lasted. Fortunately the mom was a child psychologist for a living!! And she still would throw up her hands sometimes in helplessness---I think she was disappointed that with all the preparation she invested in Adam for accepting and liking the new baby, they still had the same kind of trouble as families she worked with. This tells me that it must be very normal for this to happen. If kids are closer in age I think it can be easier for the child to learn to think of the new arrival as normal and not a displacement. Even then there are problems at first, but it seems like the problems go away more quickly.

I just attended Julia's high school graduation party. There was Adam, third year of college, slight beard. Clearly proud of his little sister. Encourage your friend to take the long view, too.

kit_kats_mom replied:
That's what I'm fearing too. I figure that I will try to make sure I have kid books stashed near our nursing spots and I'll either read to K while the baby is nursing or let K read to the baby. We'll see.

I don't have any sibling experiences but I do know how hard it can be to wrap your mind around the concept of love and how it grows to embrace newcomers. My mom remarried when I was 7 after 6 years of it just being she and I. I will never forget the tearful nights before the wedding that I sat in her bed, crying and hugging her and being totally distraught. I just knew that her love for me would change. It didn't but hey, 7 y/o'ds just can't comprehend that ya know?

Boys r us replied: Wow!! that's a sad situation!!

Tanner was 6 when Braedon was born and we didn't have those problems, actually it was quite the opposite. But our family and friends were suprisingly aware of the need to dote Tanner with attention and at my baby shower, almost all of the guests brought Tanner a gift as well and when they all came to visit me in the hospital and at home, they would bring Tan a small token of a gift to let him knwo he was special to them. I think that helped.
Also, when I was at home with them, I would make comments like, whew this baby is really wearing me out, I sure could use some help..and Tanner would buck right up and offer to feed him his bottle and even helped change diapers!! I think that made him #1 feel important and #2 let him see that babies were a lot of work and that's why they required so much attention!

Good luck to your friend's family, I know that has to be hard!

kimberley replied: thankfully i didn't go through this with my kids. Jacob has always been a great, happy big brother and is helpful and loving to his little brother and sister. i agree with Jeanne that your friend should make some alone time with her older daughter. sometimes, they just need to feel special and it really doesn't take that much effort. James has had a bit of an adjustment to the baby. he loves her completely but i do see times when he grabs toys away from her and pushes her away. it just means to me, that he needs some extra love from mom.

me on the other hand, i hated my sister when she was born. i was 8yo and she was a holy terror getting me in trouble at a young age. my mom did nothing to quash my insecurity and i ended up resenting her for it and left when i was 12yo. we still aren't very close, but that is for a million other reasons too.

good luck to your friend. tell her to hang in there.

jem0622 replied: Nathan didn't have that age difference, but there was an adjustment, no doubt. But I slowly made changes to his little world. So that we didn't change it all at once. That helped. And asking folks to bring a little something for the big brother (even if it was a matchbox car from Wal-Mart (less than a dollar)). Nathan did have some tantrums initially, but I would address them with TLC (making sure Gabe was in a safe place or ask a neighbor to help me out for a little while so I could tend to Nathan).

While Nathan does get rough with Gabe at times, they play together more and more every day. And it's a joy to see that. It helps when the days or moments aren't so fun. LOL.

I agree that at least she is expressing her feelings. It will pass. Trust me. Lots of hugs to your friends.

The one thing I always do is remind Nathan that he is my big helper and I tell him when he can do things b/c he is older and that brother can't do it just yet. He likes to hear that. Ego thing. LOL.

Elle replied: That's sad
I've never been through that (well, Juliet didn't like Brighton much when he was born, but fell in love with him after some days) so I wouldn't know what to say...
I hope everything goes back to normal to them, poor girl.

CantWait replied: OH I'm so sorry, I hope things get better for them soon.

A&A'smommy replied: OH NO yeah I guess that would be hard....and that is really making me rethink having another baby so long after having alyssa (we are planning in about 5 or 6 years to have another ). I hope her little girl feels better about the new baby soon!

Mom2Boyz replied: Aww poor little girl......That's got to be rough on here
Hopefully she'll warm up to the new baby soon.