Eating Disorders

JAYMESMOM wrote: I could use some help here. I had suffered from bouts of anorexia and bulemia during my highschool years and into my twenties. I eventually overcame it and lost over 60 pounds with diet and excercise. Since I met my husband in 2003 and had a baby I have gained it all back and find myself going thru cycles of starving myself and then purging when I do eat. I have done this on and off for over a year now and just recently admitted it to my husband. He had asked me before if I had made myself sick but I had lied and said no becauce I know he wouldn't know how to deal with it.
In his family you don't discuss your problems and pertend things don't exsist. He was hurt at first that I had lied but now I feel that he doesn't know what to say and doesn't want to ask me for fear of the truth. He loves me just the way I am but I don't like my weight or size. I don't see the woman he married when I look in the mirror and that bothers me. I know it makes no sense to put your body thru this but at times I feel it is the one thing I can control. Being a mother, wife, and single parent most of the time I don't get to control much.
Even now knowing he knows I still can't stop - its like my mind is programmed to do it. I will fight the desire for hours but can't sleep if I don't purge myself. I was just wondering if anyone else has dealt with this issue or had any advice. I certainly don't want my daughter thinking this is a healthy way to live but at times I just don't know what to do.

mammag replied: I'm sorry I can't give you any advice except that you need to get some help straight away. If you keep on, I fear your daughter will know and start doing it herself or just be afraid and end up self conscious about herself as well.

alice&arik replied: I'm sorry to hear that your going throught this. Society makes everyone look fat and not like we should be. My sister went through a lot of anorexia and bulemia and ended up in a psych-hospital. She was suicidal too. It took a while for her to overcome it and she still is very sensitive and obssesive with her weight. I am very obssesive with my weight also. Even though I workout a lot and watch what I eat, I still skip meals and if I eat too much I throw it up. I just hate the FULL feeling. I have thought about going to the doctor because I know it is a problem, but I put it off like everything else.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice. But if you feel it is getting too serious, then you should go to your Dr. I think your daughter loves you the way you are and she wouldn't want to have a mommy that was sick. This stuff can cause a lot of damage after a while.

PascosGirl replied: I am very sad that this has happened to you. I would suggest that you consult your doctor. He will be able to help you more than I could.

Mandasmomma replied: I wish I had something to say that would help - but please know we are here if you need to chat.

Boys r us replied: I don't admit this to many people, but I was a combination of anorexic & bulemic for probably 10 years. I would NEVER eat, but then when I did, I would get rid of it asap.
I over came it when I became pregnant with my oldest son b/c pregnancy was the first and only thing that could make me rationalize HAVING to be healthy. I ate when I could, but I had morning sickness the entire 9 months, so I only ended up gaining 15 pounds..which came off as soon as I had him b/c I went back to my anorexic ways and ultimately had to give up breastfeeding b/c of I wasn't producing enough milk due to not having the right nutrients to keep myself healthy, much less feed another person.
I continued with this until 5 years later I became pregnant with Braedon. Once again, when I found out I was pregnant, it gave me the strength to drop the eating disorder immedietely. This time though, my pregnancy was much much different, no morning sickness...so I ate and ate and ate..gained 80 pounds! I went from not eating to eating everything in sight..I blew up! AS soon as he was born, 40 pounds came off right away, slowly over the next couple of years after his birth, 10 or 15 more came off..but I made myself not push the envelope with losing the weight..I cringe EVERYTIME I look in the mirror. Thirty pounds isn't THAT much, I mean, I'm not huge, but the person I see in the mirror isn't the person I want to see or what I am used to seeing..but I have to have the willpower to be healthy for my two kids and stay away from eating disorders. I can vouch for the fact that eating disorders are so much like acloholism..you're never cured..it's always there. I struggle EVERY SINGLE DAY! It's taken me almost three years to even be able to approach a diet. Because I've known I wasn't strong enough to diet healthily until just recently..so I've avoided the whole loosing weight thing until now. I've been dieting for about 2 months now and everyday I feel that urge to go all day with no food and once I overcome that and I eat, I have to fight the other demon, the urge to throw up or eat half a box of correctol! But for two months I've done it and I will tell you this is the hardest thing I've ever done....watching myself diet and SLLLLLLOOOWWWLLLYYY lose weight..because in my head there is the voice saying, "Nichole..why are you doing this..you've got 20 more pounds to go, you can have that off before april is over with..if you want" and ya know.. I know I could..but something inside me is keeping me on the right track!
I don't know what has finally clicked for me..but something has and I hope that you are able to find the strength to pull yourself away from this urge and get yourself the help you need sweetie. If you ever want to talk about it...or need someone who's been there..feel free to PM me!

babys_aura replied: I am so surprised that this is my first day posting and this subject has come up. Thank you, for appraoching the issue!
I have been bulimic on and off for ten years. I started after my daughter was born and occassionally I get a hold of it for a few months, but it always comes back. It is true, you are never cured. It is a struggle every day and even when I try not to think about it, I can't avoid my hatred for feeling "full"....I loooove the feeling of an empty stomach, because it reminds me every time I have a hunger pang that I am losing weight. I know how sick that sounds, but it is true. I eat mostly to avoid detection from my loved ones. My fiance knows I have struggled with this but I have pretty much convinced him I am cured. He doesn't ask most of the time, but I too think it's because he is afraid to hear the truth. I have a substantial amount of weight to lose though, so as long as I am still overweight, I keep telling myself I am not unhealthy and I am not in danger.
At first, when I started throwing up, I would get mad at myself for being weak and giving in "again" to the temptation.....but somewhere along the line, and I can't tell you where, I started praising myself. I would be in the middle of vomiting and hear myself praising myself. I'd be thinking "good girl, you are gonna drop this weight in no time"....the same kind of response a normal person would have for exercising all day. I allowed myself when I was in a bad marriage to eat myself to an unhealthy weight and now exercising is unbelievably hard. It isn't an option because breathing is difficult and back pain is horrible. I keep telling myself when I lose enough to make exercising easier, I will stop throwing up.
Anyway, you will notice in my siggy that I have "In recovery from E.D"....Every day I try to recover. SOme days I do good, some days I don't. But if anyone needs to talk about this ever, we sound like we have our own little support group here.
Again, nice to meet you all.
Amy

Gracee142 replied: I feel so compelled to write about this, it's really amazing how many woman struggle with this. I am not sure if it's an actual weight issue that drives woman to do this or more of a "control" thing.. probably a combination of both.

I have dealt with this for over 20 years and have been in the hospital many times because of it. Not once did it have to do with being thin. It was the ONE thing that I could control. Eventually after years of therapy I learned how to control "it" as opposed to "it" controlling me... and yeah as sick as it sounds I was so proud of the fact that I would feel so hungry and that I wouldn't eat and I could control that..a very sick game. I eventually lost half of my two front teeth ..imagine that brushing my teeth one day and they broke off. I was devastated, they were fixed and I continued with therapy and now when I get that feeling, I think about what I don't feel I have control over...and usually I can isolate what is making me feel that way and find a way to control the issue...then the feeling goes away and I can eat... after years of that I now control those feelings very well..along with med's, I caused severe damage to my stomach that I will always have problems.

What is important as well is that now I have a young teenage daughter that I suspect may be in the beginning of an eating disorder. I am sure my constant eating issues havent' helped matters. Remember that the best role model for you child is the same sex parent! Best way to dictate how your children are gonna be in their adult lives is how they are living now with you. With my daughters urging I bought the book "Homesick" by Jenny Lauren ... anyone out there who struggles with this.. look past the weight issues and see if there is another reason why this could be going on... marriage, relationship, parent issues ...for me it was an over controlling mother, and a controlling husband...so I controlled what I could and that is what went into my stomach or didn't go in. It became bigger than me and eventually my body went into an anorexic and bulimic state where everything i ate came back up whether i wanted it to or not..it was a catch 22 ...don't do it..if you know it is happening get some help.. it is a very hard thing to control on your own...but once you figure out WHY you are doing it ...it's easier.. I know... I gained 30 pounds and everyone tells me how good i look now... yeah I am heavier but I feel so much better! Plus I am being a better "alive" role model for my daughter.













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Mylilprincesses replied: So sorry to hear you are going through this! Although I am not as much of a help as a doctor would be, I can feel your pain. I too have been bulimic/anorexic on and off since I was a teenager. Things are much better now but I will agree with whomever said, "it never really goes away". It just doesn't. All throughout my pregnancies I was always very conscious of my weight gain but too scared to do anything for fear that it would possibly harm the health of my babies. Still, bulimia (on a much lighter scale than before but still) is still something I face today even, especially in the months following my daughters being born.
My career has required me to maintain a certain body type and so hunger has pretty much been a way of life for me for years now. It's sad but its the one thing in my life that is a constant struggle. I totally see eye to eye with you on this subject cause its something you can't really understand fully until you've been there.
For the sake of your family and yourself, I would seek help. It is a hard thing to do but it was necessary for me at my lowest point and can really do you a world of good before it gets to the point where you cannot turn back.

JAYMESMOM replied: I just want to thank everyone for their comments, concerns, and helpful information. It has been 3 days for me without purging - that is the longest I have gone in over 4 months. I even treated myself to chocolate icecream last night without feeling guilty. Of course Jayme had to have some too - heaven forbid mom eat something and she doesn't get any. I know I know that 3 days may not seem like much but for me it was a long time. My husband was pushing me to eat more lunch on Saturday and I firmly told him I couldn't, he tried to push me again and I reinformed him that wasn't possible. I think he finally realized that if I did I would end up purging because he dropped the subject. I just can't have that full feeling and I am okay. I am not starving myself but eating enough to satisfy my appetite and stay healthy. My MD informed me on Friday that my HDL (good cholesterol) was low and I need to either excercise every day or drink a glass of red wine. The red wine would be the easy way out but I am going to start to try and excercise (wish me luck). I think if I start doing that then that will help with the weight loss and I will be able to slowly conquer this problem. If anyone ever wants to PM to discuss this feel free.

Mandasmomma replied: I'm glad you are doing well - how about posting each day if ya want to let us know how things are....I'll keep checking. Maybe it would help you ocntinue this streak?? Or would that be too much pressure??

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: Just want you to know that you're not alone. I have recovered from both anorexia and bulimia and have to say "it does get better". Yes, I do struggle with weight issues to this day, but rarely do I get the same a/b feelings I once had consume me at all times. I exercise a lot and I watch what I eat, but I haven't purged in over four years or more. I agree that ED's are not only weight issues. They are far deeper than that. Mine too was a control thing and I have yet to really kick the reasons why I feel the need to have control in my life. But I have kicked my habit to purge. Bulimia was also my way of dealing with pain. It's numbing. It helped me forget what was really going on in my life. But just know, they're are other ways, far better ways, to deal.

First of all, I'm not going to go into detail about my experience because that's not really what you need right now. Nor do I want to scare you into seeking help with stories of bad health. You know it's unhealthy, but stopping is really hard regardless of the fear factor. I reccomend counseling. I went to a therapist that really helped me "talk" about all the issues that were making me "feel" this way. Therapy doesn't work for everyone, but it's worth a try, especially since it sounds like you know this is a problem and that you don't want to be doing it anymore. Knowing is the first step.

PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. You are taking a good step by telling your DH about this. I understand that he may not know how to help you, so it's really your responsibility to help yourself. My DH, god love him, was actually the one that called the therapist for me. I was mad at first, but know now it was how deeply he wanted me to get help because he truly loves me - all extra baby fat me.

Gracee142 replied:
Wow good for you!! I found one of the hard things was everyone pressuring me to eat. Sometimes it mad me more stubborn..because I could control it. I understand now why they did pressure me. It was out of love and fear.

I am very proud of you.. I am beaming inside because it's a start...a good start. That full feeling you have will be there for a bit. Your stomach isn't used to keeping food or having food in it. So sometimes it automatically wants to get rid of it.. but if you can concentrate and get thru it with breathing and living minute to minute.. you can and will get thru it....small sips of water helps as well. The best thing is to graze ...eat lot's of small meals.. or even snacks.. let your stomach get used to having and keeping food in it. People don't realize that when you starve yourself you slow your metabolism down and then your body goes into starvation mode.. you store and keep your fat and then your muscle is used for fuel. Not good.. if you eat healthy, then your metabolism speds up and with exercise you burn your calories alot faster and you don't lose your muscle...and you won't have that feeling of being tired and weak etc... Sometimes if you get nauseated from eating there are med's that your Doctor can give you to help you keep the food down until your stomach gets used to processing the food. Make sure you take a good multi-vitamin too.

If you would like you can pm me.. and i think it's a good idea to post how you are doing.. no one really knows or understands unless you have gone thru it. I know my family and spouse thought it was as simple as just eating.. and it isn't. My heart goes out to you.. you are not alone. Hang in there.. You can do it!!

JAYMESMOM replied: Well - I made it thru day 4 yesterday and now today looks like it is going to take all I have. I deal with more of a control issue than a weight issue. When I get stressed it is the one thing I can control. That is also why I smoke but one thing at a time. I am so touched by everyones support that I am sitting here with tears in my eyes. Last night was hard but I just looked at my daughter and remembered that I don't want her to grow up seeing me like this and thinking it is healthy. I will post everyday if you guys won't get sick of me - I can't promise anything as I am taking each day for what it is.

Thank you so much for the support.

Gracee142 replied:
Great... Day 4.. that is something to be proud of. GOOD FOR YOU!! Think of the nutrition that is going into your body!! For today.. try to think about what is setting you off.. what has happened to make you feel that today is gonna be a struggle.. and if you can isolate it (the reason..or even part of it) and find ONE simple thing to control the issue or make the issue easier to live with.. when you find you have control over those things instead of just what you eat and when you eat and whether it stays down... it helps to get rid of that feeling that you need to either not eat or get rid of your food. Also if you can leave the house or get out during the time after you eat.. I found I was less likely to purge if I was not at home.. and remember snacks....small meals.. it can start with a simple cracker.. or a piece of cheese.. it all adds up in the end!

Yes looking at your daughter is a good motivation ... she will know and it will scare her. I was looking at my daughter last night..she is just starting her teens. She is getting so thin and does not eat much at school for lunch.. she will only take a little (peer pressure to be thin). I am getting to the point where I am literally making her sit and eat before it gets too far..but making sure she has control over the other things in her life. Honestly do you know what stops me...is my teeth.. vain i know.. but looking at myself with two broken front teeth was not a pretty sight Then there was the expense to have them fixed. I don't want to lose anymore. I never thought it would get that far.. but it did.. I also missed my daughter's first year of school and 5th b-day and Halloween, Xmas because I was in the hospital..on her b-day she came to see me in the hospital.. she remembers that .. and still talks about it.
when they discharged me they made me keep a lock in my hand for IV for a week.. I can't say enough how therapy saved me.. it helped me figure out the issues that was causing this and taught me how to control them and fix them...and how to isolate those feelings ....and not to hurt myself... Now even tho I am the heaviest I have ever been my whole life.. at least I have the energy to make it thru the day with my kids Plus I have all my teeth still Another thing people don't think about is that when you do alot of purging your breath takes on a sour smell.. and you grow alot of downy hair on your face.. like baby hair and it never comes off unless you get it waxed off.

When you get that urge.. take a deep breath.. go outside.. have a small sip of water...distract yourself.. change your thought and you will fight yourself to change it but the more you try the easier it will become... instead of going day to day... go minute to minute and then hour to hour it's less pressure and so much easier..day to day is just too long... .Good Luck.. and remember you are only human... Be kind to yourself! Let us know how you make out good or bad.. We are here regardless!! It may seem like sometimes it's two steps forward...one step back.. but eventually you will get there start small..ok?

JAYMESMOM replied: The problem that has set it off today is financials. Until I met my husband 3 years ago I was never late on anything. He brought with him a bad financial history and had to file bankruptcy. I am working so hard to keep my credit clean but it seems like we are falling further and further behind on our bills and he is making more money than he has ever made. But we have to spend out more and he just doesn't see that. He is driving over the road and everytime we discuss cutting back he spends on food we spend more on things he needs in his truck so he deosn't have to eat out as much. Makes no sense. I am just stressed today because of the bills and there is no money to pay them and he just doesn't care. I guess it is more frustrating than anything and know it makes no sense not to eat because of it. But its control!!! I am fighting it. I drank some hot chocolate this morning as I am not a big breakfast person and am trying to work up an appetite to eat lunch. Pizza sounds good - it is fatting but I could eat that without throwing it up - I think. Thanks for the support.

GavinsMommy replied: I know the feeling of not wanting to eat. I have gone for days without food, but it wasn't about weight, it was just depression and to test myself.

Since it doesn't stem from weight, I can't help *much*. Would eating your foods without any added fat as much as possible help you to not want to purge? Knowing that you haven't put anything into the food such as butter or any extra oils, condiments, etc...maybe you would feel better about it because you are using food as fuel for your body rather than pleasure for your taste buds?

You could try placing the focus of control on the portion size of your food and how it is cooked and prepared. ? Get a food steamer and steam your veggies, bake your meats. For meats try seasoning them and baking instead of adding oil and fats and frying. For veggies, sprinkle a little seasoning also or a pinch of salt and pepper, or just eat plain. Staying away from processed foods as much as possible will also help by knowing that you are only putting food in its most natural state into your body. Carbs are good, so don't try to cut those out like the Atkins dieters do. Studies show that people who go for low-fat vs. low carb lose the weight slower but keep it off forever if they keep it up. Atkins will shed the pounds quickly, but after a period of about a year it will start to lose effect and pile back on slowly but surely. But too many carbs aren't good either, so try not to end up eating cereal for breakfast, and sandwich for lunch, and a burger for dinner, ya know? LOL..a good balance of carbs is a benefit.

Maybe exercise would help also. Walking or a program that you can do in your home? There are a huge variety of workouts that you can do in the privacy of your own home...low intensity and high intensity, whichever you prefer.

I hope you get better and let us know if you need anything!

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I congratulate you on four days. That's absolutely great.

Okay knock me off my soapbox if I take this too far. First of all, please let's NOT TALK ABOUT FOOD. No offense to anyone, and I'm guilty too, but talking about food whether it's healthy food or not, isn't the real issue. It doesn't get you anywhere except further into your ED. When I tried to stick to a "certain" diet, it always back fired on me because if I didn't have the opportunity to buy my "safe" food or I was out at a restaurant, I would be right back where I started, and that was binging and purging. It's feeling like you HAVE to "obey" or "control" your eating that's causing the viscious cycle to begin all over again. Yes, I agree that eating healthy is good for you and if you're not eating at all, well it's time to start. But simply saying I can eat this and be okay and if I eat this I'm bad, is simply an ED in itself.

Anorexia/bulimia for me was clearly not about my weight, because believe it or not, I have never been overweight. Okay, that's besides the point, but it's a misconception to think someone who is "thin" has an ED. My mother still to this day gives me that look every time I go to the gym or drop a size. I workout for pleasure, never to lose weight.

I look at it this way. Controlling your weight is only a symptom of your ED. Not what's causing it. You need to discover what other underlying issues are causing you to isolate yourself and seek comfort in the action of b/p (binge/purge). First of all, you can not do this alone. I do love these boards, but no offense again to anyone, you need to talk to a live person about this. This is a good first step, but since bulimia is typically something done in isolation, you need to get out there and find help outside the home.

Personally, my issues were not only control, but wanting to please everyone around me, my family especially. So once I learned A) I was NEVER going to please everyone that I needed to truly LET GO of ever feeling insecure that I have dissapointed someone in my life C) that I am an adult now and it didn't matter what my parents say or did to me in my childhood, did I really find recovery. I do still struggle with these issues, but I am 100% RECOVERED from my ED. It is possible!

I'm not saying that my issues listed here are the cause of YOUR ED, everyone is different, but maybe you can relate and see that we are here to listen. And please know that it really does help to talk to a professional about this. We are not professionals here. It sounds like your financial situation is tough right now, but I think my DH and I were the most broke we've ever been when I went to therapy. My T would let me pay what I can. It was $70 a session, once a week. It sounds high, but maybe you can find something even cheaper. Here's a site that helped a bit Somethings Fishy. KEEP US POSTED PLEASE!

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: Woops. I don't know how that smiley face with sunglasses got in there!! First of all, I want to clarify that I HAVE been overweight, but I've also been underweight. And my point is that by experiencing both, it didn't make me more or less into my ED. It just goes to show that weight is not the issue. I am what some people may call "in shape" today, and it angers me when people assume I have an ED because I work hard to steer clear from it. The important thing, whether I'm a little heavy one year, and lighter the next, is that I am fully recovered. I hope you get there too!

I screwed up on the link. So I'll try it this way http://www.something-fishy.org.

Take care !

Mandasmomma replied: Well CONGRATS on day 4....and take it ONE DAY AT A TIME...you cant get to tomorrow without living for today. Keep looking at that beautiful child you have - and no we are on your side.

JAYMESMOM replied: Day 5 - I am now working on Day 6. But I am so frustrated with my husband's ex-wife and my step-son's school situation that I am starting to feel like I am losing control. It is days like this that are the hardest for me. AAAAAAAAAA!! I want to run away from it all. Take my daughterand go somewhere with no phones, tv, etc.

Gracee142 replied:
Again, I know how you feel Today I turned off the phones and didn't answer the door. I gave myself the gift of a quiet day That is how I controlled the day If people didn't like it.. I really could have cared less. I took care of me!

If there is something that you know you can eat and won' t make you feel sick..by all means eat it.. my Doctor had told me to eat whatever I wanted and just like one of the earlier post's says... don't worry about being on some kind of diet. BEsides...pizza isn't bad for you.. it can have all of the four food groups you need in it

How did today go?

Gracee142 replied:
I totally agree with what you had to say... I had never seen that site before and I checked it out. Some very good information on it. Thank You very much for posting it!!

I also agree with you when you said that altho this msg board is wonderful.. nothing can take the place of real live people! There is nothing like a real hug.. or a real smile...this is a great place for support but can also be very isolating...the internet can be a place of smoke and mirrors and nothing can replace a live, caring human being. I hope no one takes offense to this but I have seen many people allow this kind of interaction take the place of real life. Again I also agree that a Therapist is the best person that can help with an ED. ED can be 100% cured..esp with help from a trained professional!

Good advice!

JAYMESMOM replied: Day 6 went real well. I did think of it this afternoon because I wanted to go home from work. It was a day from who knows where but I didn't. Yeah me!! Tomorrow the baby has her tubes put in so I will be to busy to do anything tending to her on top of early school pickup and PT confence. So all goes well It will be 7 days. Thank you again for all your support. I am going to try and check out that website tommorrow it has been crazy and haven't gotten a chance.

Gracee142 replied:
Yeeeaaahhh..that's great!! Good Job!! Good Luck with your baby tomorrow and the PT interview I hope it all goes well!! Busy Day for you! I commend you for doing that .. you are a wonderful Step mom.. I wish I had someone like you for kids stepmom!! MY X hasnt had great taste in his new GF's but my kids are hopefully on the up swing now..I am super tight with them...so they get more than enuf love and attention from me

Mandasmomma replied: We need an update - you've done some good work so far!! (And how is DD?)

JAYMESMOM replied: Sorry for no update sooner. This weekend has been crazy!! I had a setback this weekend do to the stress but I am starting over again today and I am thinking positive. Daughter did great with her surgery and actually she wore me out Friday. She was like on speed from the medicine. So much for what they say about it making them tired. So we got like no sleep Friday night. She slept from 10-1 and 4-8. I slept 4-8. She had a rough day on Saturday though so I am still catching up on everything.

I will let you know how today goes!! I am remaining positive!!

jcc64 replied: Hi there- I think it's great that there is such an active dialogue going on this topic, although it's disturbing there are so many people suffering with the same thing. I never did the bulimia thing, but back in high school I was as anorexic as they come, and I have the immobile metabolism today to prove it. The issues that drove me to abuse my body that way are long since past me, and I think there are clearly others here more in tune with what you're going through than I. But the one thing we all have in commom is we're moms, and we have people counting on us. So, if you can't bring yourself to see that you deserve and need your good health for you, then by all means, do it for your kids. I'm sure the fact that Terri Schiavo wound up in her situation as a result of an eating disorder is not lost on any bulimics. We all witnessed the agony that her loved ones endured as a result of something that absolutely did not have to happen in the first place. Do you want to do this to your family?
I keep hearing control, control, control is the real issue in these messages. Why not use the formidible willpower needed to conduct a bulimic/anorexic lifestyle to bring yourself back to health for the sake of your kids? That is something only you can control. Your kids (and your dh) don't care if their mom is 30lbs heavier than she once was- they want to know their mom will always be there for them. And that is something you are jeapordizing with your e.d. Life is stress, there will always be stress, always an excuse to fall back on destructive patterns. But throwing up will not make your money problems better, it will only give you yet another problem to deal with. A much more serious problem. I'm sure in your heart you know that.
I wish you luck. I hope you continue to reach out and find the support you need.

Gracee142 replied:
Logically you would think that "willpower" could conquer this. If only that were true. Anorexia and Bulimia are illness's and addiction's. No different then alcoholism and drug addiction...or any other kind of addiction. I am sure there is a percentage of people that have beat these addiction by sure willpower. For the majority though the only way to stop this behavior is to find out WHY it is happening. People have addictions because there is something that is not right in their life. They don't have good coping skills. Until the reason this is happening is found it 's unlikely that the behavior will stop. Sometimes it will stop but another hurtful behavior will take it's place.

The reason I say this is because people will try with willpower and they will have setback's and will punish themselves for it with self hatred thoughts which will just make them feel worse and more of a failure. It isn't easy to control..it is bigger than you sometimes. The behavior has to change..we as human's are creatures of habit and will always go back to what is familiar to us when we get scared. I again encourage people that are engaging in this behavior to seek professional help..it can be beaten. It all takes time...and sometimes there are set backs but you eventually get there.. you do..the episodes between each setback get longer and you learn to isolate the feeling's or events that causes you to feel "bad" and then you learn to control that by learn new coping skills. We can look at our children and want to stop doing "it" for them.. sometimes it is bigger than us.. like an alcoholic knows that drinking hurts their children and the people they love..but they continue to do it.... it's a sickness..and when you are in that "way" of thinking it is very hard to control... if you have a setback..that doesn't mean you are a failure or a bad person. I am saying this because I thought will power would do it for me.. and it didn't and I failed.. and tortured myself...until I started therapy and learned new coping skills (that is extremely important). The typical person that has an ED are usually perfectionist's and are extremely hard on themselves esp. when they don't meet their already too high expectations of themselves. They are usually the ones that feel they have to be "perfect" for everyone.. or always the be "happy" one or the one that is always "on"...so they never show emotion and emotion HAS to come out..and in alot of cases it will come out in the form of vomiting or not eating. When I first started therapy my therapist said to me " So what are you trying to throw up" ....a very good question to ask yourself...

Staying positive is a good thing... and not to be too hard on yourself.. you are doing well. Stress is in everyone's life.. but there is bad stress and good stress.. and it's how we cope during these times that counts...it's ok to ask for help..remember you are only human!! Anothing that helped me was the 12 step program from AA ... I could apply alot of it to changing my life.

jcc64 replied:

Well said. That was a very thoughtful post with lots of valuable insight. However, I don't think it's counter-productive to remind people engaging in addicitive or self abusive behavior that their actions have repurscussions for those who love and/or need them. Sometimes we can get so wrapped up in our own head/struggles that we can't see the forest for the trees, kwim?

Boys r us replied: I agree!!! Sometimes we need a reminder as to why we need help..a reason to go to that next meeting, a reason to take that next bite..and family is enough reason if not to give you the willpower to conquer it, the willpower to keep taking the steps needed that will!!

Gracee142 replied:

I totally understand what you are saying.. I guess what my concern is that addictions come from bad coping skills, trauma, etc..and they really are an illness. Family and children are very good reasons or motivation to fix or change your behavior but you mustn't forget yourself. If you don't look after yourself first.. how can you be a productive parent, daughter, son, etc. If the reason you are self hurting is not found the problem will not be fixed..no amount of willpower or motivation will not make it go away. If you able to push it away..it will come back sooner or later .. in the same way or in a different form. I am scared that someone is going to read this and will think they are a bad parent because they had a setback because in reality it happens.. no excuse but the plain and simple truth...it's an understanding of the illness or addictions...they can be treated and cured.. the person self hurting needs to know and understand why they are doing it. The last thing you want your child to think is.. "mommy I guess you don't really love me because you are still throwing up or still using" it has nothing to do with them. No we don't want them to do it... and we don't want to teach them that it's ok.. we want to teach them how to deal with life in a healthy way. We do not want to put the responsibility of our health or life on to them. They have enough pressure as it is. We need to teach them good coping skills and how to deal with life and stress in a healthy way. I am in no way minimizing the importance of children or family. I would pretty much give my life for my children...but you have to understand when you are in this you are not in the right frame of mind. Alot of people who suffer from ED also are vitamin deficient esp in the B's vitamins. That is what is needed to deal with depression, moodiness etc.. it goes way beyond just having willpower. Not only does your ability to reason suffer... but your body put's itself into a medically induced anorexic and bulimic state.. even if you have the willpower to do it.. your body may say NO...again you need the help of a doctor and trained professional and a good support system.


I just don't want someone trying to recover from this to feel guilty and bad and to feel that they are a bad parent if they have relapsed..yes we need to be responsible.. but we are human... and we all make mistakes. Guilt and pressure just makes it worse... understanding why you are doing it is what makes you healthy!

I don't want to offend anyone but I had been there for so long and I am pretty much cured, I don't want anyone to go thru what I did. I know what made things worse.. and pressure to be perfect for everyone was one of them.

Gracee

JAYMESMOM replied:
The one thing I have realized is that as much as I love my family. I have to do this for me in order to cure myself completely. If the pressure to do it for my family is the driving force it can never be done. Because we will always let others down - that is life. We will let ourself down but we get back up and move forward.

When you are dealing with the control issue you have to learn to cope and deal with things in another way instead of anorexia/bulemia. That is not to say that you will never get the urge even when you have learned to cope. It is to say the once you learn to cope eventually your urges will not be as strong. I know this because the urges are not as strong when everything is copacetic.

We as human beings are responsible for our own actions. The love and support of your family can help you overcome many things but the person has to want to do it for themselves first and foremost.

Gracee142 replied:
Well said.. You get it.. I feel better now. You are gonna be just fine I'm in your corner!!

Gracee

JAYMESMOM replied: I made it thru day 1 - again!! I am looking at today in a positive way. I have since gained 2.5 lbs but thats okay. I can lose it thru excercise and proper eating and it will be around 80 today. So a walk after work will do just fine. The support here is just great and I really need it some days because home gets lonely with my DH being gone all week. Hope you all have a great day!!!!

Mylilprincesses replied: WOO HOO!! You are doing great, stick with it.

Easier said than done sometimes with the "control" issue so you go, girl. For me personally, its never been a weight issue, I'm actually very small, its more or less the threat of being able to stay that way, kwim? So yea, to sum it up- I know how confusing and hard the idea of "control" on many levels can be. I know how hard it is but glad you are headed down a better, healthier path!!

Gracee142 replied:
Congrats you sound so positive.. I am SOOO proud of you!! Don't worry about the 2.5 pounds ... it could be water.. time of the month...the support is yours for the taking.. Keep up the good work! Remember you aren't alone.. we are all doing this with ya!! This is helping me too

Gracee

JAYMESMOM replied: Day 2 went well!!!! Yeah!!!!!!

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: Sorry I haven't been around for awhile. Moms in town. Congrats on day 2. I knew you could do it!

Thanks for the updates.

JAYMESMOM replied: !!!!Day 3 - Yeah!!!! Now for Day 4. It is looking good I am starting to feel control in my life in different areas and realizing I am not perfect and people will just have to deal with it. My children are my first responsibility. Everyone else is an adult and they will have to learn to handle there own problems without me if I can't!

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: Good work!

JAYMESMOM replied: Day 4 and working on Day 5-it will be a crazy day so I wont be home much. Should be okay then.

Mandasmomma replied: Keep it going - and one bit of advise - dont think of a busy day as one that will be easy - if you let your guard down, it will be easy to fall. Each day is a new day - dont label it - YOUR DOING GREAT!!!

I am very proud of the hard work you have been doing!!

JAYMESMOM replied: Day 5!! I am heading to bed and haven't had a bad thought today. I even went out to lunch and ate really well. LOL.

Daughter is doing great after her shots and hubby has been sleeping since 430 and should wake up sometime in the am. Hungry and in pain. Had a bone spur and piece of tooth removed from his mouth this afternoon. What a big baby. LMAO

Thank you for all your support!!

I love this place!!!!!!

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: This is great! I just want to remind you that when you're in recovery, your body will most likely gain a little weight. I read in your earlier posts that you had gained a couple pounds. Don't worry at all. It will be hard, but it's only your body getting used to getting what it needs. Your metabolism is just a little off and trying to get back on track. It doesn't take long at all for it to even out...I think it's similar to how my body felt after having a baby. I link metabolism to hormones. I think you screw up your hormones when you're depriving yourself and hurting your body.

Take care and keep up the good work! We're all thinking about you!

Mandasmomma replied: Still thinking of you!!

JAYMESMOM replied: I made it thru the weekend. I got like 2 hours sleep last night due to bad dream but other than that it has been great. Went out to dinner last night and my body freaked out becauseI was full so I made my hubby take me to the video store so that I would have time for it to settle down. It worked and i was able to sleep without getting sick. It was hard but I held tough. I guess I have to re-teach it how to act.

Mandasmomma replied: Keep yourself busy - great idea!! Your doing a wonderful job!!

JAYMESMOM replied: Made it thru today but had a migraine so that made me sick. It was really hard not to fight throwing up since I ddint' want to but the pressure in my head hits the right nerve so I spent today between the bathroom and my bedroom. At least my head is feeling better now and the naseau seems to have gone away. I hate weather chagnes.

JAYMESMOM replied: Well today would have been a good day except by the end of the day my naseau overtook me and I met the toliet. AAAA, I hate it - here I have been making myself be so good and then my body takes over. I want to pop my head off just so I can feel better.

Other than that - I am okay- I keep thinking positive and am trying to get my food intake balanced. Too many hurried meals lately and no excercise to give me energy but I am getting a puppy this week so I will have to get moving between him and the baby.


LMAO-Mother dragged down the street by dog pulling stroller. -

We will see!!!!!!

JAYMESMOM replied: Today makes Day 11. My headache is also finally leaving so no more naseau. I look forward to the next day. LOL.

kimberley replied: WTG! that is great! you have a lot to be proud of!

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: That's wonderful...thanks for keeping us posted!

Mandasmomma replied: And how is today going?? Feeling better yet??

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: It has been awhile...how are things????????

JAYMESMOM replied: Things are going. I have had some minor setbacks and I am just struggling to get thru everyday with all that is going on. I know in the long run it will get better but some days I don't even see why I try.

I may not be on for a while. But will post an update as soon as I get back.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: Setbacks are normal, but remember it can never get better unless you keep trying. You are in our thoughts!

JAYMESMOM replied: Sorry I have been away but I am coming back with good news. Even thru everything with my husband I never made myself sick. YEAH!! It was so hard sometimes but I did it.

I am slowly losing weight the right way. I am down to 205. Finally under 200 is in site. I only have 55 more to go LMAO. I will die the day that happens.

Thank you for all your support.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I knew you were having a hard time with Dh, so I was definitely thinking about you. My ED stemmed from my relationship with DH before we were married, so I completely understand. Glad to hear you got through it ED free!! That's a huge step you should be very proud of! Hang in there....YOU ARE DOING GREAT!

JAYMESMOM replied: And still going strong. I just don't know when it is okay to focus on losing the weight. I am back at my heaviest weight and don't want to live like this. I am constantly tired, hungry, and I hate looking the way I do. I am just afraid to start and then end back up where I was. Any suggestions?

Hillbilly Housewife replied: Wow, just read this entire thread.....

you remind me so much of me it's not funny. I haven't purged since December 31st, 2004.

I went through a tough time with it - I grew up fat. I was a fat kid, a fat teen.... I was 15 when I started dealing with a bit of anorexia. Not intentionally - I was living on my own, working and going to school - between having no time to eat, and no money to buy food, I didn't eat very much - it didan't take me long to lose weight.

At first, I was always hungry, and depressed, because of my living situation. But as soon as I noticed my clothes were fitting better, I realized that I'd been losing weight. So, I happily went without food on purpose, even when i DID make the money to buy some extra.

I went from 150 pounds to 115 pounds - in just over 2 months. With my ex, well, he wasn't very nice to me - and I basically lived on alcohol and cigarettes. At 16.

My life was really crap - and I could control the eating - because I didnt' bother to control the rest of my life. I probably could have walked away from that life... but I never did. It's my current DH that took me out of my funk.... i gained 10 pounds back in about 2 months after we started dating. I still looked sick though...but I was happy at 125 pounds. I am 5 feet 3inches tall - a good weight for my height, but a bit on the low side. My doctor told me I should be at around 135 pounds, because of my bone structure as well. I have naturally big bones.

In any case.... with my first baby, I took it as an excuse to not have to watch what I ate. I gained 74 pounds, 50 of it was in the first four months. I dropped 35 right after the birth, but never lost the other 39. THen I got pg with my secon.... gained another 37 pounds. I weighed 202 at my most, the day of the birth, and I pretty much went right back to 165 after the birth - stayed there until I moved - now we get our meals provided, and man do I take advantage of it - I gained 10 pounds in 1 month.

So there I was at 175 - and I find out I'm pg again - with my weight history, I cried because I didn't want to get FAT again. I'm currently halfway through my pg - and I weight 188 pounds. 13 pounds gained so far, and I'm very proud.

There are days though, where I just don't feel like eating....and I don't, but becaue I'm pg - I eat little snacks - I mean - the BABY eats little snacks.

But seriously - although it is a quick way of losing a small amount of weight - it's way too dangerous. And besides - not eating tricks your body into storing more of the next thing you eat - so if you only eat once a day, your body will absorb more of that one meal - becaue that's the only nutrients you get - so you can actually gain weight by eating too little.... wierd, huh? kinda like the "not drink enough water, you'll get bloated"

anyhoo - didn't mean to hog the post - I wasnted to tell you that I relate to being constantly tired, hungry, and unsatisfied with the way I look. I'd love to fit into my sexy pre-pregnancy clothes.... but I won't for a while....

but you know.... my DH and I have known each other so long, that he sees me for who I am and not for what I look like - obviously, since he never notices when I put contacts in, with makeup, instead of my glasses and no makeup. Never. So he lvoes me, whether my hair's messy or whether I got a pieceo f lingerie on.... and that keeps me sane.

And btw - 205 is not fat. I'm at 188, and I'm not "fat", I'm jiggly. Rofl!

JAYMESMOM replied: Thanks so much for the support. I am taking today for today. No junk food. Sweets are my downfall. I am having a healthy lunch. I may even get to excercise tonight.

I know I will never be skinny skinny - I just don't want to be flubby!

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: When was the last time you saw a GP or even your ObGYN? Some doctors don't understand how to treat EDs, but they may help you with your nutrition goals. Perhaps set you up with a dietician. Or at least evaluate your overall health to determine whether a diet is good for you right now or not. Do you have med insurance right now? If not, sometimes a local gym has a nutritionist on hand to give you some pointers or even at some health food stores. Don't let them sucker you into buying supplements or meal replacements. OR DIET PILLS!! NO!! You need REAL food, not powders, pills or bars.

My best suggestion is to stop focusing on the number, meaning your weight. It's only a number. I do think it's important to be careful it doesn't get too high because that could lead to other complications, but I think you're doing fine. Exercise is key. But take it easy and ease into things. You'll get tired if you start up too fast with any routine. Water, water, water gives you energy. No caffeine sodas. And buy a lot of whole foods like raw veggies and fruit. Brown rice. Nuts (not roasted). Add a multivitamin if you haven't already. Maybe you're lacking iron and that's why you're tired. Lay off the sweets, that can also make you tired (sugar), but also allow yourself to have a small chocolate or ice cream every other day. Deprivation is never good at fighting an ED. So having a few "bad" foods is actually really healthy.

Sounds like your body is doing what it should. I gained about 15+ pounds once I really stopped b/p completely. It was hard, but I knew that my body was storing fat just in case I went back to the ED. In about six months, my weight went down a bit without even dieting, but from eating in a healthy way and excercising.

Oh yeah, find ways to make your life stress free if possible. Stress fuels the ED, plus makes you gain weight IMO. Find a relaxing hobby, take baths, buy yourself some yummy smelling lotions. My MIL keeps a sachet of lavender in her car so that she can sniff it when she's stuck in traffic. She says it eases the stress a bit. Sounds funny, but it works for her! Good luck -

Katherine replied: I had the same problem at 11-12 years old. I thought I was ugly & fat. I threw up 4-5 times a day. When I was twelve, I was underweight, my stepmom caught me throwing away lunch, & I got help. I stopped at 14, when I was pregnant, so my children couldn't pass it on. Now, I just eat healthy, & I do a half hour of weights & cardio to keep my weight balanced. Think about this...would you rather be fat or die? If be fat is the answer, get help & force your brain to stop. I swear that it's not as hard as it sounds!

XOXO,
Katherine