Do I expect too much...? - from my husband

Farelle wrote: Ok everyone...help me out here. Is it asking too much for my husband to pick up after himself!?! We have this ongoing "discussion" about it. I say it's hard enough for me to pic up after my 3 year old and 1 year old that I DON'T need to pick up after a 38 year old too!!! I don't think it's too much to put your dirty clothes IN the laundry basket, or put the remote control BACK where it was so someone else knows where it is. I teach my 3 year old to pick up after himself and he seems to get it.....why not my 38 year old!?!?!

Let's hear it!!

msoulz replied: This strikes near and dear to my heart. My DH simply can not seem to get his clothes in the hamper. They are next to it, on top of it, and scattered about the room but just not into it. And he is bad at putting things away too.

Now there are times when it really bothers me. But after almost 15 years of marriage and over 20 years of being together I have realized that there are more important things. He doesn't lie, cheat, or steal and is an amazing father and partner so I figure I really shouldn't complain about the stuff not being put away. And in turn he doesn't complain about me leaving the cupboard doors open all of the time (a habit I can't seem to break) and who knows what other bad habits I have that he lets go.

Yep, there are days where I stomp around picking up things. But there are more days when I count my blessings and just put the clothes in the basket (after snarling a few choice words . . . )

I had very good advice from a coworker once, who married very young (due to a pregnancy) - don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff! (except during PMS or other stressful times . . .) Except he didn't mention the PMS.

Calimama replied: I've learned to pick my battles. There are certain things that he got into the routine of when he lived by himself and same for me. He comes and throws his clothes on the floor into the pile. It used to bother me but than I realized he doesn't come in and say " I want to make more work for her so I'm going to throw them down", he just does it out of habit. I'm sure I do things that bother him just as much, like leave the top off the shampoo bottles. He mentions it bothers him but he knows it's a habit so he lets it go. I try to do the same with his clothes habit. Good luck, I do know it can be frustrating.

StephanieM replied: I have to agree with the previous poster....you can't sweat the small stuff. Choose your battles. I've been with my husband for like 11 year and we even seperated for a while. And after we decided to reconcile, I realized that I would rather put up with his annoying habits than anyone else's! And I know I'm no picnic either.

Something that I tried with my husband when he refused to pick up his clothes was any clothes that weren't in the hamper didn't get washed. If he didn't have clean shirts, pants, socks, or underwear, it was his own fault. And then he'd have to run around at the last minute trying to throw something together. He'd ask me "Where are all my clothes!? How come I don't have any clean clothes!?" And I always told him, "Look around, all your clothes are on the floor and I only wash clothes that are in the basket. If you want clean clothes, make sure they get into the basket."

He is much better now, after going a while with no clean clothes and having to try and figure out the washer and dryer. He realized it would be much easier if he just made sure his clothes got into the hamper.

A&A'smommy replied: LOL I have tried EVERYTHING I can think of to make it "easier" on him to put his clothes in the laundry basket or to pick up his stuff.. and clean up the messes he leaves but not much works I have begged, pleaded, cried and tried putting clothes baskets in his "area" of the house but nothing works Its really aggravating but I know his job can be stressful and I'm really at home more than he is and I can understand him being tired and just wanting to relax when he gets home... so yeah i agree pick your battles and count your blessing!!

HuskerMom replied: I gave up a long time ago trying to get Dh to put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket or rinse off his dishes. But when he doesn't do it I figure it's just a habit and maybe it's just a guy thing. I'm sure I do little things that irritate him too but they're my habits.

Celestrina replied: *hangs head in shame* when it comes to laundry, I'm the slob of the house. DS came into our bedroom one day and started singing the cleanup song.

CantWait replied: I have the same ongoing discussion with my husband, and I probably will till the day one of us either leaves or dies.

Miranda1127 replied: well i agree with the pick your battle theme, but i must admitt i don't clean b/c of him. he is just disgusting. i clean up after myself the 9mo old and assist our 5yr old with her pick up routine but i do not pick up after him i just can't it's to much, so my house is always a reck. perhaps one day i could get a maid

redplaydoh replied: I agree with what most of the others say. My husband has a very stressful job and he leaves his dirty socks in the living room every stinkin night and his clothes are in a nice pile not far from the hamper... but he provides well for us so I can be home, he doesn't cheat, is great with the kids, and is everything else I want in a partner. So I pick his socks up and retrieve his clothes from the imaginary laundry basket he thinks exists. Let the little things go...

Twelve Volt Man replied: I am an obsessive-compulsive neat freak. I cannot stand disorder and clutter, so I've never been the kind of guy to leave clothes laying around. The flip side is, that I can be overly demanding regarding housekeeping. Personally, I don't understand how someone can't pick up after him/herself. In my mind, if you make a mess, you clean it up. It's a core value that I intend to teach my son... that you are responsible for yourself, and that it's unacceptable to expect others to do your work for you.

lovemy2 replied: Oh don't get me started.........

I agree with the pick your battles thing but when it adds more work to what I already do then it becomes more than a battle.....

lisar replied: When I first saw the question I was like YEA!!! Cause I know how Gene is. He hides the remote in hopes that we wont change the channel at all. (yea right) He cant put his clothes in the laundry basket they will go on the floor next to it. And dishes OMG... he cant take a cup or a fork and put it in the dishwasher for anything. So yes I think we are asking to much. however one day he is gona do it cause I am gona ride he butt until he does. And he knows it.

stella6979 replied:
Although I'm not an obsessive compulsive neat freak, I do agree with everyone being responsible for themselves. I mean, we'll both pick up after eachother every now and then, but for the most part, we both know that if you make the mess, you clean it up.

Farelle replied: I agree to some extent with picking and choosing my battles. But I am a strong believer in RESPONSIBILITY!! I'm responsible for myself and my two boys, I don't need to be responsible for a 38 year old!!! If I take something out and use it, I put it back when I am done. I've tried to explain to him that being a stay at home Mom is stressful, I only have so much time during the day to get things done and when he's adding to the mess that's already here it is SO frustrating!! I need his help not his clutter!!!
And it's not just the clothes...but what is with that, why can he walk right over to the laundry basket but not put the clothes IN it??? I've even tried putting up signs just to irritate him into doing things.
It's more than the clothes though, it's about RESPECT....if I ask for him to do simple things he should be able to do it out of respect for me, when he doesn't I feel that he just doesn't care that I have an exhausting day sometimes and the little things he does can really make it easier!!!

MoonMama replied:
I'm with Denise on this one. DH and I are the same way, I do things that bother the heck out him and him me, like she said out of habbit. Still I know its annoying.