Divorce, when to call it quits?

CAMSMOM1 wrote: My best friend, Melissa, just called me. Her and her DH have been having lots of problems lately. He got in a bad car accident months ago, and hasn't been "all there" since then. He's been drinking alot, and usually passes out on the floor from being so drunk, while he is suppossed to be watching their 22 month old son, Jake. (he's the same age as Cam) And she has found her son unsupervised several times, because he is passed out drunk as a skunk.
So, that was bad. But she just called me and said that her DH has treatened to kill her and her son. And tonight, she came home to him drunk off Vodica, and her son was screaming. They got in a BIG fight about it, and her husband HIT HER in the back of the head, several times with his fist (while she was holding her son) and then she dropped her son, and told him to run. Her son went running, and her DH grabbed him by his arm, and started twisting his arm. She had to hit him. She knocked him to the floor. And called the police.
He is now in jail. And she got her stuff, and is staying with her sister. She if filing for divorce.


I know I wrote a post about "marriage being forever"....and I STILL believe that.

But I know if I was ever hit, or me/my child was in danger, I would leave.

So what would be the line for you, to consider divorce?

luvmykids replied: Uh, yeah, run, don't walk. Counseling may have a slim chance, but she needs to be AWAY, FAR FAR AWAY, even if they were to go to counseling, which she should do anyway.

Prayers and to her and her baby.

gr33n3y3z replied: The drunk part would be enough for me

But the hitting .... once a hitter always a hitter she just best dump him now the kids dont need to be around that and neither does she

my2monkeyboys replied: I think I could work through most things with lots of patience, time and love. But when you threaten harm to me and/or my child, that's the end of it. I think marriage is forever, but I also think that is a 2-way street. You can't make it work if the other person is out to harm you (physically or in other ways).
Lots of prayers and to your friend and her child. I know people try to make it work bc children need both parents, but when one parent (or both in some cases) is doing more harm than good, then it no longer holds true.

My3LilMonkeys replied:
Well said!

CosmetologyMommy replied: Hitting is a no! If dh cheated and it was only once, I MIGHT be able to forgive. BUT ONLY ONCE! If it happened again, I would maybe leave and stay with someone for awhile, let him know why and give him some time to get it together. But I would try my hardest to keep our marriage together.

C&K*s Mommie replied: the start and end of it would be physical violence or verbal abuse. I would not stick around long enough to give anyone the benefit of the doubt, and hope that it was a 'one time' over-reaction. Of course I would probably "over-react" to him hitting me, and start swinging hard on him back, and that would get us no where but in jail.

he would be out of there, or the girls and I would be gone. And no looking back. There are too many stories of women & children being murdered at the hands of a violent man- when the signs were there from the jump.

Just my opinions.

kimberley replied: any physical violence is grounds for divorce imo. i believe most other things can be worked out, but for someone to hurt their own child.... that is beyond anyone's help imo.

CAMSMOM1 replied: I agree with everyone. I just hope my friend, Melissa, stays strong and won't be manipulated by her husband.
He doesn't work, and they had to file Medical Bankruptcy, so finincally, he's no help. And her name isn't on the house, or any of the bills, which is good. She gets out, with her hands clean.
I guess I was surprised that she wasn't crying to me, after this happened. She said she did cry, but now she has to be strong for her son.
She also got a restraining order against him, that last a week. And then she has to file again.
After his accident, he just went downhill in depression. I don't know how many times I have talked to him, and been their "counselor". She even set up an appt. with a phycologist, but he refused to go.
And then the drinking and verbal abuse got really bad, but she was still willing to stay and make it work.
Then he threatened her & her son's life.
Then he hit her, and her son. And that was enough for her to realize, she needs to get the heck out of there.

I really believe violence starts with verbal abuse, and then will essculate to physical violence.

I just pray he doesn't try to do something stupid, like suicide, or kidnapping her son. I wouldn't put it past him at this point.

I'll keep you guys updated.

But I agree, I would never stay if there was any kind of abuse, emotional or physical. Once that line is crossed, I'm done.

luvmykids replied:
A lot of experts will tell you verbal abuse is how they "prime" themselves and their victims for physical abuse. It's a way of dehumanizing someone in order to convince themselves that they deserved it, etc.

C&K*s Mommie replied: The sad thing is, is that an Order of Protection is not a guarantee in anyway of anything. Even if they break it, they can still hurt you or your children. And the police will be too late. That is what would scare me, if they are determined enough to do harm, they are invicible.

I pray for Mellisa, and her child. I hope that she is able to move on and continue to be strong amidst this. I agree with you Ann, I hope she does not listen to him, and any pity apologies he may offer.

gr33n3y3z replied:
That is true

Mom2BNTN replied: I do believe that marriage should be forever, but in situations where you or your child are being hit and abused then NO I don't feel like anyone should remain in that type of relationship. I myself have been married and divorced when my ex-husband decided he didn't love his sick wife anymore and took everything we had 6 weeks after I had surgery to remove a brain tumor. His only question to the Dr. before I went in for surgery was "Is she going to die?" I didn't know he was hoping I wouldn't pull through and had taken out a life insurance policy on me just days prior to my surgery. Little did I know that he was also giving me pills to keep me sick and almost caused me to die one night. I had never felt so betrayed before. No amount of counseling would have caused him to change and like the old saying...I couldn't make him love me if he didn't anymore. Getting a divorce was so hard for me since I had been brought up in a strong christian family and didn't believe in divorce. But I honestly felt that God wouldn't want me or anyone else to stay in a marriage that was considered harmful in any way. I hope your friend will do what is best for herself and baby in the end. I'll pray for her and her family during this time.


Kristi

ilovemybaby replied: He could have killed her! I am so glad she called the police and that he is in jail. As for her child... poor boy! I hope he is ok.
That would be way OTT for me. I would not stay with anyone who would hit me in the head or hurt our child. That would be it I'm afraid.

I would stay with someone who had an affair with marriage counselling.
I would not stay with someone who could not stay sober to look after his own child.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: That makes me incredibly sad for your friend, Melissa. She is in my prayers tonight. I hope she stays strong and stays away from him.

A&A'smommy replied: OMG that is definitly a quiting point NO reason to stay.. also cheating would be another one of those things I just don't know that i could live with!!

Peace be with your Friend I'm sorry she had to go through that.. it isn't righ!!!

CAMSMOM1 replied: I just talked to my friend, and she said her DH is still i jail. (thank God!) I hope this is a major wake-up call in his life, and he will seek some help. But I dont' think she should ever go back to him.
She deserves sooooo much better. Any person does. And when a child is involved, you have to put their safety and well being in perspective. And do what is right. I know she is a strong woman, and she will do the right thing, which is leave.
I have always supported her and her marriage. I really liked her husband, but after the car accident he got in, he went downhill. She tried her best to support him and be there for him, but after this week of physical violence, and in the past with his drinking and neglect of her son, she has had enough. And so would I.
He will be in jail until Wed, and then will have a court hearing. She has to go to court, to give her testimony. And I know that will be difficult. But is nessassary.
Again, thank you for your advice. I sent her an email with this link, so she can read it and find support.

Ann

CAMSMOM1 replied:

Kristi (Mom2BNTN)

I'm just still in shock over your post. Thank you for being so open and honest on here. I know that many woman will read your post, and find strength and courage by it.
I'm glad you got out of that relationship, you are a beautiful person and I'm glad you have now found the man of your dreams.
And I also believe that God doesn't want you to be in a marriage where your life is threatened. And you did the right thing.

BIG hugs to you!

Ann