Divorce talk tonight - I've made a mess of my life

GavinsMommy wrote: Tonight when Jerimiah gets home I'm going to talk with him about us separating/divorcing.

I've been talking to him online today (he is at work). We just got into it bc he is going to his friend's house to get pot. It makes me so mad. I could have Gavin literally any time and all I want is to spend some time w/ him b4 baby comes. He told me to shutup and that he's going and he'll only be there a few minutes and to get over it.

Then we got into the whole convo he had w/ me when I posed as another girl. I told him how hurt I was about it and that I still struggle w/ whether he has cheated or not. He told me it's something I'll have to get over and if I can't then I can leave. He said that he wishes he would have said worse things about me so I would learn not to do something like that again. He knows I suffer now from that and he wishes I would be suffering more?

I realize something has to change and it has to change now. We won't survive if we continue on this path and if we do, we will both regret being w/ each other in the longrun. I love him so much. But this is ridiculous.

All I do is wonder if he has cheated on me. And wonder when he'll stop smoking. And clearly he is unhappy w/ me. He told me to stop talking to him a few minutes ago. That he wants to talk to people that make him happy.

What am I going to do for my son? I wanted to do this w/ Jerimiah. I can't do this alone!

I am so scared of being w/o Jerimiah. I can't imagine something ever happening to him and I would feel so guilty if he got into a wreck or something if I moved back to SC and he was coming to see our son. Or who knows...he might win custody of him.

I am soooooooooooo sad. I just don't know what to do! I don't want to get a divorce and regret it. But I don't want to regret our life together either.

I'm going to take a hot shower and tell him how it's going to be tonight. No smoking...none...and all of our other issues or there is no point to continue. I know where this is leading. My poor baby. I have made a mess of my life. As soon as I talk to him I know it's going to be easy for him to say Ok...let's divorce.

coasterqueen replied: I'm so sorry you are going through this. First off no matter what I don't think he will get custody of your son if he's doing illegal drugs . Second I don't know if you've said this before but was he smoking pot BEFORE you got married or before you got pregnant? If he was doing this before and you still married him IMO it's really hard for you to have a leg to stand on for getting upset at him, KWIM? I mean I know it's terrible he's doing this but if you agreed to a marriage with him already smoking IMO you agreed to it and I could see why he wouldn't want to comply to your wishes now.

I completely agree if you aren't happy you need to tell him and even set limits but if you agreed to this when you married him you really can't be mad at him. I know it's terrible. My DH smoked before we got married, but we had always agreed to quit when we got pg for the first time. Well I quit and he never did. It still really hurts me that he can't quit so he can be healthy for his children but I did know he smoked before we had her and before we got married. KWIM?

As far as the cheating..no advice here except to seek counseling for the both of you on the subject.

No matter what you still have to do what's right for you and your son. ((HUGS)) and I wish you the best tonight.

Boys r us replied: One word of advice, then I'm going to let this be....

YOU CAN DO THIS ON YOUR OWN and quite frankly being with someone as you've described Jeramiah to be, is WORSE than doing this on your own!
Wouldn't you rather struggle financially and do it on your own or with your parent's help than risk having your baby taken away b/c your husband smokes pot in your house or worse yet..what happens when a drug deal goes sour and someone comes to YOUR home looking for him and things get ugly? Have you really prepared yourself for ALL of the what ifs if you are with him and allow him to continue to act this way?

Also, don't give him the ultimatum if you don't really mean it. Don't say, "the next time I catch you smoking pot, I'm leaving for GOOD" unless the next time you catch him doing it, you're prepared to pack up your stuff and go. Otherwise, he's going to call your bluff over and over and over again and he'll never learn to respect you! Stand up for yourself and for you baby, you both deserve better!

jolene555 replied: It sounds to me that he has no respect for you at all, and that's unacceptable. I agree that if he was doing these thing when you got together, that it will make it hard to get him to change. In that instance, you both will have to compromise. (for example, Barry is only allowed to smoke cigarettes outside & I will not kiss him until he has brushed his teeth. He is only allowed to smoke pot away from home when he will stay gone long enough to be sober when driving home, or in our home when the children are gone and will not return home until he is sober and there is no substance in the house) As long as the rules are in the best interest of the baby, he MUST conform, or you have no choice but to leave.

You and your son deserve so much better than this guy. Personally, I would not be above turning him into the cops for possesion just to show him that he's not a god and that it is dangerous. If he continues showing reckless disregaurd for your emotions, for your safty, for the well-being of your child, for you in general, then I have to say that your best option would be to leave him - no questions.

I would recommend waiting until after the baby is born, give him that chance to come around. But, plan to leave, to go back to your family. It's not that hard to do it alone, and you can.

jcc64 replied: Ok, I'm quite certain I'm gonna flamed for saying some of this, but since when have I ever refrained from controversy?!
About the pot smoking- to me this is not a deal breaker. As Karen already pointed out, I highly doubt this is a habit he just recently acquired. I suspect you knew going into this marriage that your dh was no altar boy. Expecting him to suddenly morph into Mike Brady overnight is setting yourself up for a massive fall. If I could crawl inside dh's head for a second, I think what I would find is a guy who's pretty apprehensive about all the big changes he's facing, and not sure if he's man enough to handle all the responsibility. And now you are getting in his face (remember, I'm trying to see things through his eyes), and he's probably thinking, "Man, is this the way it's gonna be for the rest of my life?"
Having been with the same guy for 23 years now (longer than some people on this board have been alive ), I think I've cracked a few mysteries about the opposite sex. Guys don't like to think of themselves as "whipped". My own dh guards his autonomy like an old dog with a bone. He's letting you know in his own immature way that he's not giving you the keys to his car, so to speak. And he shouldn't, tbh. You're his wife, not his mommy. And the more you act like his mommy, the more he's gonna act like a child.
Imo, occasional recreational pot smoking is no worse than having a couple of beers after work. Yes, yes, I know it's illegal, but that's only b/c lawmakers in Washington are boozers, not stoners. I don't know what the laws are where you live, but here anything under 2 oz. (which is an incredibly huge amount of pot) is considered a misdemeanor, punishable usually only by a fine. So, unless your dh is dealing (which would of course be a completely different story), I think the chances of losing your child would be next to nothing. Maybe there's room for a compromise- a limit of some sort, or he can do it, but not in the house, etc?)
Having said all that, I do think your relationship sounds like it's under a lot of stress, which is not surprising given your current circumstances. But I would take a deep breath and try to put everything in its proper order. What attracted you to him in the 1st place? Do you still see those qualities in him? Does he seem like he wants to work things out- is he willing or able to compromise? Do you think you really love him, or are you just afraid to be alone? And is being alone worse than spending the rest of your life with someone who doesn't treat you the way you want to be treated? Only you can answer these questions, but if you're going to end a marriage, make sure it's for the right reasons.
Because, tbh, I think the imaginary girl thing you did was pretty devious and manipulative, imo. I'd be pretty furious if I were your dh. I'm not saying your dh is blameless, believe me, I'm not. But it was pretty destructive for your relationship, don't you think?
I know it sounds like I'm not supporting you. But sometimes your friends need to say things that are hard to hear, kwim? I really hope things work out for all of you, and I hope you don't give up on your marriage so quickly. Remember, marriage is so much work, but is there anything more worth fighting for than your family?

jcc64 replied:

OMG, I really have to disagree with you on this one. If you want to drive a nail in the coffin, that's the surest way to do it.

GavinsMommy replied: I agree w/ you Jeanne

I think I have problems. I think I'm suffering some sort of depression or something. Something is not right with me. Yes I still hate things that he does like the smoking and stuff and I know even if I get help (if I have a problem w/ depression) then I will still not like it, but maybe realize that it's not the big thing I'm making it out to be?

I did know he was a smoker when we got married. I knew that and that's part of the reason I haven't left yet. It's just that he promised and promised he would quit and still hasn't. I guess it's just a thing of him saying he would do something and not following through.

I know it's not likely we'll lose our son over a small amount of pot. But I'm scared about him being around some of his friends. One of his friends deals and who knows if someone will bust him one day and Jerimiah will be there? Not likely I know but it still worries me.

It's just what we could lose over this pot. If his job happened to drug test him he would lose his job. He passed his first drug test and I won't say how...but he should have failed it and he wouldn't have gotten the job, but TG he did.

Both of my parents smoke pot so I really don't know what my problem with it is. I guess it is because I don't do it. But I also don't want him to die of cancer. Or go to jail. Or let that interfere with our money for our baby or other things. Or choose it over me. I might not mind so much if he did it once a week but he is doing it every day now, several times a day and I just wonder what he gets out of it.

He tells me he thinks I have some mental problems. Maybe I really do. My mother is a severely depressed person. She is on Zoloft now and is so much better. Maybe I am going through something too. I have always had a touch of depression but got better when I was going to church. Then when Jerimiah and I met I stopped going bc he consumed all of my time and now I'm stuck in the house alone all day. Maybe I just need to go back to church or maybe I really need some type of therapy.

It's like...I fantasize about divorce all day long and have all these reasons...and we have talked about it briefly...but I know if it really happened that I would probably go insane and do something stupid. But yet I still talk/think about it...knowing that it would hurt worse in the end.

Something is just wrong...it could be the pregnancy hormones. But I'm not sure. We had a good relationship until I got to be about three months pregnant. Then it started to get complicated. I agree some of it is the stress of being newly married w/ a baby, but maybe I'm just going nutso too. I do still think he needs to change some things but maybe I am stressing about these things *too* much.

And I totally agree that the whole convo pretending to be the girl...I agree that was manipulative. It's just I didn't know what to do. His own mother made me feel bad about our relationship and I just was suspicious and had no other way to find out. I would never do something like that again, I learned my lesson. But it just hurts to not know whether he was really thinking he was talking to a girl or not. If he wasn't it hurts just as bad to know he said those things knowing it was me and knowing I was hurting.

I have 2 1/2 weeks before this baby is due. I want it to be a good experience for us. Maybe after he is born I will stop feeling this way. Or worse...suffer PPD. Ugh. I hope I get better if I'm "sick".

coasterqueen replied: Jeanne said it much much more clearly for me than I did.

I really think you need to see how things are after the baby is born AND talk to your doctor about this depression thing. It could very well just be pg hormones. I'm telling you my DH thinks my head spins in circles when I'm pg, especially this time around! I'm so irrational, emotional and just down right...well a witch sometimes and over nothing. I'm not as bad normally...not as bad.

You obviously found things in him that were good that outweighed the bad when you got married...see if you can find them again.....one thing I do suggest is getting counseling for your doubts of his cheating. Trust me your doubts can literally consume you and can destroy your marriage. I lost a very good boyfriend a long time ago to that very same thing. I just couldn't get over thinking he was cheating on me. Maybe your DH is cheating on you but don't let it consume you til you find GOOD reason (hard evidence) that he really is.

((HUGS)) and know we are here for you.

loveydad replied: Am I the only one of this board who really thinks the pot thing is an issue!? Sure i've done pot. When I didn't have kids. Kids get into the mess and they really screw things up for a stoner.

Let me tell you something. When henry was a kid, I lost custody ANY CUSTODY because I smoked pot. I was caught and in huge trouble for my record. Not to mention the teerrible things I DID while I was on pot.

And Pot, like they say, was a gateway drug for me. Before the twins were born I would down vodka and pills and every sort of illegal thing available........and all because I started on pot...and It really REALLY screwed my life up. I still can't help but watn to smoke it when I see it---

I'm sorry but I couldn't stand to be with someone who was smoking pot while I was pregnant - I'm a male of course so that wouldn't happen...none the less --- I'm sorry but I just have to state that I feel it's wrong to smoke pot when you've got kids around.

And if you don't believe me- ask Henry about the time I told him I didn't want him anymore and slammed him against teh wall because I was stoned....

jcc64 replied: I don't think a drug, any drug, is the primary reason people lose control over their lives. Pot in and of itself cannot cause you to morph into a monster. It's the underlying unresolved conflict the user is trying to escape that will take him (and everyone who cares about him) down.
I think if Gavinsmommy's dh is smoking everyday, all day, he is obviously trying to avoid dealing with some issues that are terrifying him. Only he knows what they are. But to put all your eggs in the "Quit or I leave" basket is foolish, imo. I was simply suggesting that the clouds will not part, the sun will not start shining nor the birds singing just because he's no longer a pot smoker. The issues that drove him to overindulgence will still be there. Sometimes I think people don't see the forest for the trees, kwim?
(Loveydad, I'm sorry your experience with pot was so scary. I think it's great that you recognized the need to make healthy changes in your life. There are some people that can have that one drink/joint, and handle it fine. There are those that have one taste, the floodgates open and their lives veer tragically off course. Congratulations for knowing which one you were. But not everyone is the same. Don't want to hijack this thread anymore than we already have, would love to take this up elsewhere if you're game).
G's mom, in my own experience, being pg makes everything more intense, in both directions. Everything seems so hopeful, all the potential happiness and dreaming a new baby brings. But everything can simultaneously feel disastrous and horrible. You want everything to be perfect, like a storybook (same way people get the blues around the holidays). If it wasn't perfect before, it's not gonna be perfect now just b/c the baby's coming, kwim? I would discuss your mental health concerns with your ob/gyn, especially given your history. I am not unfamiliar with PPD, and I did take a low dose of Paxil during my last trimester, which REALLY helped me sort things out. Sometimes a pg woman is a scary animal for a guy to be around (like Karen said), and if you spend too many days in the hell of your own head, it's time to seek relief.
I think your dh is really struggling too. I can't imagine why he would jeopardize his job with a dirty drug test, nor do I think hanging around a dealer is the behavior of someone who's thinking clearly. But instead of attacking the actual drug usage, try to get him to open up to you about his fears, the underlying problems I was referring to before. You can't do it in an angry moment. And I believe some of your recent struggles will make it a little harder for him to feel he can be honest with you. But do it anyway, really try to reach out to him, even though it's the last thing you want to do right now. He probably misses the old you, the one he fell in love with. I don't know you well enough to say whether this relationship can or should survive all of your doubts. But now, with your baby due any day, is not the time to try to figure it all out. Try to pull together as a couple as best you can, try to release the mistrustful speculations for now, and start the constructive dialogue.
I'm sorry for you, really. I hope you have a lot of good friends and family that can help support you through this. And we'll all be here for you as well.

Boys r us replied: No loveydad, you're not! I think the pot is an issue. Am I a saint? NOt by far..but once I became a parent..all the bullsh*t had to quit! I don't think this guy has the bearings to do that! Besides, the pot smoking..that's the LEAST of the issues here in my opinion! he treats this poor girl whom HE MADE HIS WIFE AND GOT PREGNANT like a piece of crap! she needs to stand up for herself and tell him the train stops here, GET OFF, if he can't straighten his A$$ out! He's NEVER going to respect you hun if you don't put your foot down!

amynicole21 replied: I'm so sorry you are going through this. In my opinion, a little bit of any bad habit isn't a deal breaker, but when it is causing problems in the marriage it has to be addressed. My DH drinks - always has. Drank well before I knew him and I knew he was an alcoholic when I married him. If it was seriously affecting our relationship though, you can bet your life that it would be something that would be addressed. I think you have every right to stand up for yourself on this matter - no matter how long he's been doing it. It is causing problems, therefore it IS a problem. End of story.

I hope that he takes you seriously during your talk, but it sounds to me like he is being stubborn and only thinking of himself. He will not change overnight, but if he is not willing to make some concessions he isn't worth staying in a relationship with.

GavinsMommy replied: Well we didn't really talk about anything last night. I'm trying to take the majority of people that I have talked to's advice and not do/say anything too harsh yet that I might not mean.

He just walked in the door last night and he said he felt like I was always instigating things. I told him I was sorry and that I really didn't mean it, that I must be going through pregnancy depression.

I didn't want to try to argue about anything. I do feel he has issues that he needs to get over. But maybe he is right...maybe I instigate a lot of our fights and such. I have known since about 3 months along into my pregnancy that I wasn't quite the same person. But I didn't think I was crazy.

So I told him that I hoped he could stick with me through the rest of this pregnancy and try to understand that I might be a little crazy sometimes and that I don't try to hurt us...that I am just so down about everything and I sit and think about all of these things all day. He just hugged me and said he knew and that he was going to wait and that I might even be depressed for a while after I have the baby and if I don't get better we can get something from the doctor.

Then we made dinner together. Well...he made the tater tots

Then we took a shower together and ummmmmmmmm yeah. But I was surprised because this time he was actually interested in pleasing ME and not just himself, which is how it's been for the past two/three months.

So overall things went okay. I'm starting to think maybe it really is me. I'm in no way saying he is not at fault at all. I do believe he is responsible for some of our "problems". But I am starting to think that maybe all I do is escalate them and instead of fixing them, I just make them worse.

I can't wait for this pregnancy to be over. Hopefully I will be my old self again, whatever that is. I know I'm different...I just don't know how different.

I guess I shouldn't be too worried about the pot anymore. Or cigarettes. Because once the baby is here he won't have the money for all of that.

coasterqueen replied:
I totally agree, I do think the pot issue needs to be addressed just like you and I both agree our husband's drinking needs to be addressed. I had to realize that my constant nagging to my husband was just driving him to drink even more and that I wasn't handling the situation well, I'm hoping I'm doing better.

But I do know telling someone "you quit now or I'm gone" isn't going to encourage them to want to quit. It's making them feel like there is no room for failure and when breaking any kind of habit there will be set backs. I'm just coming to realize this myself. I didn't allow my husband any room for failure and that was more pressure than he was willing to handle so he just kept pushing me away.

I do agree though that an ultimatum has to be set if it's endangering a child. That I do know is important. So Gmommy if it is going to endanger your child then you have no choice.

Good luck and we are here for you.

jcc64 replied: After the baby's born, you won't be your old self again. You'll be a brand new you, a mommy for the 1st time, and it's a BIG adjustment, trust me, but your love for that little boy will supercede any growing pains you may experience along the way.
I hope you didn't misunderstand me about the pot thing. I wasn't suggesting that he doesn't have a problem with his habit, or that you shouldn't be concerned about it. What I was saying is that you need to dig a little deeper and find out what are the fears and issues that are driving him to escape from his reality on such a regular basis.The way you were approaching it before made you APPEAR as if you were trying to control/dominate your dh, which in my experience is a recipe for disaster.
Your concerns were/are legitimate, and hopefully when and if you make your way back to each other emotionally, you'll be in a better bargaining position to effectively address them together.

LillysMum replied:
Well...I just joined and read through all of this, now I'm really curious as to how things turned out or are going now....

kit_kats_mom replied: I'd missed this thread too. I just wanted to say that I agree with Jeanne for the most part.

I was engaged to a man who smoked pot and ended up breaking up with him before the wedding. I used the pot smoking as part of my excuse but really, it was my insecurities about myself that led to my unhappiness. I was always sure he was cheating on me but really, it was all in my head. We are actually still good friends and I know he would have told me by now if he had actually cheated. LOL Basically, I was just unhappy with myself and I finally realized that I needed to make myself a priority and focus on my own happiness before I could even start in on any of my ex's bad habits.

Anyway, I was raised in a home where the bongs were bigger than I was until I finally grew over 4' tall. I really don't think I had any bad effects except for the lack of physical activities from my mom and step-dads. They were kinda lazy and let me watch too much TV IMO but that's about it.

I think that you should probably do a little self assesment, try to find things that make you happy and work on improving your self esteem. Then, if you are in a solid place, happy with yourself and you still find that your DH's recreational drug use is a problem, then address it.

I'd hate to see you trash a marriage based on a perceived problem with your DH when you are probably contributing to the issues too. KWIM?

ETA, my DH was 34 and quite mature when I got pregnant with K. He even started acting pretty wierd and continued to act a bit off until K could communicate with him. He's a great dad but it was a HUGE adjustment. I clearly remember him going out for a few late nights of drinking with his friends when I was pregnant. I figured he would come around sooner or later and he did. I can only imagine how your DH, who is younger & may have felt forced into the marriage due to the pregnancy, feels.

GavinsMommy replied: Well...I guess here's an update for LillysMum

We got into a really bad argument a couple weeks ago. Not exactly sure when, but maybe a week after I posted that? Anyway I packed all of my stuff and my son's clothes (he wasn't born yet) and I set them next to the door while my DH was asleep. In the morning he came in and asked if my mom was coming to get me and he said he wanted a divorce. I said OKAY! And he said it a few more times and I just kept saying OKAY like I didn't care, which I didn't really at that point. Then I was like...alright, I just don't know when you're going to see Gavin. And then he burst into tears and said he didn't want a divorce, that he was exaggerating, blah blah. So we talked for a while. I just HATE seeing Jerimiah cry. I can't stand it. He's such an a know-it-all jackass sometimes and to see him cry and get so emotional over something just hurts me so bad to see that. So we talked things out that day...

Then came the birth of our son...he's 9 days old today. Jerimiah is so in love w/ him. He loves him more than anything. He bawled when he was born and we just watched the birth video and he started bawling again. He is such a baby when it comes to his son. He just looks at him and says...I love him SOO much, you have no idea. And he does...I can tell. He's very good w/ him. He still smokes...and it bothers me still of course, but he has improved. He doesn't smoke nearly as much as he used to and he even suggested that we get the shot soon...the "quit smoking" shot. It's 99 percent effective. So anyways...he is still smoking pot in the house but he isn't in there every five minutes like he was before.

He has only played video games twice since we came home from the hospital, which is good.

The only thing that he's doing "wrong" as far as fatherhood is complaining about being tired and getting no sleep. Um....helloo!!!!!!!!!! You DON'T get up w/ him at night. You DON'T stay up w/ him all day bc you're at work and you certainly have gotten more than three hours of sleep every night, so I'd say you're just fine!! He even takes naps during the day when I'm up w/ baby. Lol. And then talks about how tired he is. LOL. I haven't freakin slept since he was born!!! I'm not mad though...it means I get more time w/ my son and I am HAPPY to take care of him. Besides, Jerimiah works and I don't, but talking on the phone all day doesn't take as much energy as caring for a newborn does I'm SURE!

So things are okay right now. We really haven't had time to fight. I'm always w/ the baby and he's always at work and when he's not at work he's w/ the baby or I'm napping w/ baby, so...it works out.

He sure does love his baby though...

cutiepie replied: I'm sorry I have to put my two cents in about the pot thing. I must say that in MY opinion drinking is way worse than pot--just legall. Sure you see all these commercials of how you get in an accident and then at the end is says they were stoned, it dosent say what ever else they were on. Smoking a bowl or a joint after work is like having a glass of wine. I was seriously depressed and I was on zoloft. The only thing that worked for me and still does is pot. Its used for medication. Come on its a plant. Thats like making alo vera illegal. Its a plant and useful as medication. I really and truly do not understand why pot is even an isssue-only that it is illega. I rather alcohol be illegal. Pots safer. Much, much safer. Luckily me and my boyfriend agree on this. I don't think I could be with someone who didnt smoke weed or at least let me. Id say see ya! I know probly all of you don't agree at all. I have books on it and I mean this goes way back presidents use to own smoke shops and pot fields. I love the history of it. Thats what interests me. I could read about it all day. It's very interesting.I school my parents on it my whole family. NOt my daughter though. Not because I think pot is bad. She will come to me some day about the issue and we will talk about it. I'm mean it's not like snorting coke! Thats ridiculous and that I would not put up with. I guess I just don't consider pot a "DRUG" Sorry if I offended anyone I just had to put my 2 cents worth and get it off my chest. Im just a proud stoner...I guess

jolene555 replied:
I don't think I can go without replying to this. Ummm, wow. First, having a glass of wine and smoking a bowl of pot are nowhere near comparable. Perhaps it's mostly because alcohol is legal, after all if I am caught drinking after work they cannot take my child away because of it., unless it's far more than a single glass.

Second, alcohol comes from a plant too - it's called barly, and wine is from grapes. I understand that pot is "all natural" but it's effect on personality is not normal. I will also remind you that coke, shrooms, and opium come from plants, too. And you would be hard pressed to convince me that they are okay simply because they are from plants.

Third, yes some presidents had pot fields, and then some presidents also had slaves and raped women - I am not convinced that anything they did was condonable simply because they were presidents.

Forth, there is no proven effect of pot on depression. From my experience pot only makes you more sullen, more lazy, more depressed. If you said you were suffering from severe anxiety or pain then I would be more likely to believe and support your use of "medical marijuana" but it sounds to me that you have chosen depression as an excuse to continue a habit. I completely support marijuana as medication, in real cases where every other avenue has been explored, and where you have a doctor's advise, which I doubt you have. The NIH actually says that pot causes depression - so maybe you should explore that as your cause rather than Zoloft.

"Pots safer. Much, much safer." I think that is a very ignorant statment. Safer for whom? I've known a lot of people who do very stupid and very unsafe things while on pot.

I'll admit I smoked pot quite a bit, but that was before I became a mother and I understand that, IMHO, it is far too irresponcible a habit for me to keep these days. I am not trying to berate you for your personal choices - that's your business. I simply think your arguements are unfounded and incorrect.

jcc64 replied:

While you made some valid points, I find this one pretty irksome. While in a technical sense, pot is illegal, I think you would have to work pretty hard to cite an example of a child being removed from a loving, responsible home b/c the parents occasionally smoked a joint. If this were the case, there would be thousands of parentless wards of the state walking around, and the "system" is simply not set up to handle this. I think local law enforcement officials understand that casual marijuana use does not in and of itself render a parent negligent, anymore than a parent who uses alcohol RESPONSIBLY. The reason that alcohol is legal and marijuana is not is purely political, and the drug war in general is crushing our criminal justice system in its failures, hypocrasies, and inconsistencies. I would much prefer that non-violent drug offenders be offered rehabilitation/job training and opportunities so that limited jail space and stiffer sentences can be applied to truly dangerous people like child molesters and serial rapists.
As you can probably tell, I am a strong pro-legalization advocate, although since becoming a parent I haven't had much of an urge to use myself. Not all drugs are the same, not all users are the same. But if we learned our lesson with prohibition, why can't we learn this one?

cutiepie replied: Everyone has a good point. All I'm saying is Im much more cohereant and able to get tasks done after smoking weed than if I was to stop off at the bar. A glass of wine and smoking a joint are actually similar as it relaxes you. Pot calms me, relaxes me and is overall my good friend. I was on 150 mg of zoloft for 1 1/2 years. Did nothing for me. I also have OCD--Obsessive compulsive disorder and when I'm stoned Its much less severe. The OCD may be part of the reason I'm dependent on weed. Yes I admit-dependant. But I think more of the point I'm trying to make is it's no big deal and its' much less severe than alcohol. If I drink I get a little crazy and want to do crazy things but if Im stoned Im just chilled. I dont smoke around any child and only when I have a chance to myself--mainly at night. Im 24 female, I hold a very steady job that I go to everyday and its just a treat for myself. I guess. Sorry if I offended anyone. Didn't mean to. This issue is just close in my heart.

Boys r us replied: I won't get into the politics of it all...but I will just say that I think it's dreadfully irresponsible and shows a complete lack of respect for your position as a parent to use any substance on a regular basis, much less smoke it in the house. and that I think is the whole point of where the problem arises for gavin's mommy. It's harmful for children to inhale second hand smoke, whether it's tobacco or pot. I can't imagine having any memory of growing up with my parents smoking pot or anything of that nature. Aren't we as parents set forth to provide a stable environment and a good example for our kids? If my husband were at home doing this infront of my children or even spending money that could be better spent elsewhere on this, I would be livid and I think it's a complete CROCK of crap for anyone to sit here and tell this young mother that she doesn't have a right to be upset about her husband doing drugs in the same household as her newborn baby!

cutiepie replied: I totally agree in that you shouldnt do it in front of your child..they cant make their own choices yet whether they want to be inhaling any kind of smoke. Thats why I do it on MY time alone. But when my child come to me a teenager asking questions about pot Im not going to treat the subject like a harsh "DRUG" I will be open to what she wants to do. Cause I raise my child to be able to come to me with anything. I couldn't imagine going to my parents with anything. I was raised in a strict catholic home. I dont want the same for my child. Not being able to talk to me. Thats awful. The more you restrict your children the more they will be curious and run a muck. (spl) I know you and everyone else does not agree with me and thats fine. This is totally MY opinion and Im not pushing it on anyone. Please noone take offense. Thats the last thing I want to do.

Boys r us replied: Cutiepie, I'm not taking offense to you..in fact, I very much agree with you on raising your child openly. My response is more towards seeing this whole topic drug out the way it has..and people telling her she shouldn't be upset b/c he smokes pot..well heck yes she should..he's using THEIR MONEY to buy it and he's doing it in a bathroom that she put the baby's things in...ughhh call me an idiot..but if he were my husband he wouldn't have to worry about smoking up my baby's things anymore b/c the baby's things, along with myself and the baby would be gone! It just sickens me to hear all of this sugar coated and made out to be her problem!

kit_kats_mom replied:
Hey now. some of you guys smell crayons or play dough and it takes you back to your childhood right? I get a whiff of pot and/or incense and it totally takes me back.

I would much rather have been raised by a mom who smoked pot occasionally than by an alcoholic. I can not recall one time that my mother let me down or hurt me in a pot induced rage. KWIM? Sure, now we know that she should have at least kept it outside but I dont' have any asthma, allergies etc. Shoot, she used to smoke in the car when I was with her too.

I don't smoke pot anymore and havent' in years but I really dont' mind if someone else does. I do find it sad when someone lives thier life in a haze but really, who am I to judge? Sometimes it's the only coping mechanisim someone has and sometimes it is just a purely recreational thing. It's fun to be high, feels good, relaxing, no different than a glass or two of alcohol. Now, I would have to say that I'd probably not want him getting baked and then trying to carry my kid around but sitting on the floor playing with the baby after you've relaxed yourself with a couple of tokes? No biggie in my opinion & no more risk than if you had a couple of glasses of wine at dinner then played with the kids before bed.

GavinsMommy replied: Thanks Jolene and Boys R Us.

It's more of a fact that he is taking our money. He missed his last two car payments...wonder where that money went? Cigs and pot and computer stuff.

I got 1000 from my dad for my bday and 100 from my mom. Know what happened to that? He deposited it into his account yesterday so he could pay his car payment. His car payment is 470...he deposited all 1,100 of it. I guess I won't see a dime of it.

Oh and just to let everyone know...I guess the good days wore off bc today sucks w/ DH. He's back to spending all his time on the computer w/ video games. This morning he wanted me to "satisfy" him but I haven't slept since Gavin came so I said no and well...I was told to stay in the bedroom while he pleased himself w/ porn.

And to think my dad's money is in HIS account right now and I can't touch it. I just don't want to do this anymore. My mom is right...when he met me I didn't have a job and didn't contribute financially...why should my birthday money go to him when he used our money irresponsibly? Because that's why he didn't pay the car payment....he didn't have the money because he spends it elsewhere. He makes 40+ a year....that's plenty for an 18, 25, and 1 week old. But he chooses to spend it frivolously. And now I have no birthday money. No money to buy my family presents w/. And Jerimiah just said yesterday that we're only getting presents for Gavin. So looks like he's not even going to stoop and use my money to buy me a Xmas present w/. I'm not even attracted to him anymore. He just treats me like shit and doesn't even realize it. I don't know why I bother looking for the good when I find myself hating him at least once a day.

Mommy2BAK replied: Oh no honey! I am so sorry! Maybe you do need to get away. DO NOT let him take money from you and Gavin!!! That was your birthday money!!

coasterqueen replied: Well it sounds like to me that pot is not the ONLY issue which it appeared that was the case in your original post.

How did he get a hold of your money anyways? When my dad has given me money he would write the check out to me...not my husband. Although my dad knows my spending habits so if he gives us money (which is never) he writes the check out to Ryan instead.

I guess I can't even comment on this because I would have to ask how was your relationship when you decided to marry him? Was it the same as it is now? You said he smoked pot before you married him...so what about the computer games and spending habits? Was it different before?

You CAN'T change a man or anyone for that matter..they have to change. God knows I try to remind myself of this but marrying someone or even having a baby with them is not going to change them either.

((HUGS)) for whatever you decide to do. It seems to me that if you feel that he treats you that badly you should just leave and stop staying around...just my two cents.

BTW...for all those reading this and the whole discussion on pot....so it would be okay to have a glass of wine or two around my child but not pot? Course I don't agree any should be around a child, but I hate that because alcohol is legal it's "acceptable". I personally would rather be raised by someone who smokes pot than an alcoholic too....but I've been down the alcoholic road all my life so maybe I'm a bit upset that it's so legal and something like pot is not

GavinsMommy replied: His argument before was that he's made such and such amount of money the past three months that we've been married and he has none of it...that it has all gone to support me and stuff. PFFT! His rent is about a hundred more than what it was when he was on his own...and I save him money on car insurance...and I cook him dinner and stuff...all I really cost him is food IMO. I didn't even bother arguing giving him that money. I thought he was going to pay his car payment and give it back to me. Guess not. When he handed all of it to the accountant I asked....You're depositing all of it??? And he nodded...just so nonchalantly like it was his money.

I have NO money now. I am so depressed. That was my money...

He bought a camcorder a couple days ago so we could videotape Gavin. That's fine...don't mind paying for that...it was 400 bucks...but gimme my 700!!!

Ya know....my son is only 10 days old and I'm in my old clothes and have my old body back already and I just feel I could do better at this point.

I was changing Gavin's diaper this morning and he had been "trying" to look at porn but he didn't get to bc I came out of the room too fast...to change his diaper. So Gavin was crying and he came in and held his hand while I changed him and I asked him if he washed his hands...cuz I didn't know if he had been YOU KNOW or not...and he was like...I haven't touched my d*** so lay off!!

I was like...I just asked, MY GOD! He was so rude.

It's funny...when we first got together...I was always the one calling the shots and now I have no say in anything...

GavinsMommy replied: Well that's my other thing w/ pot...

Alcohol isn't directly getting to the child. Sure, the parent might go psycho from being drunk and do something stupid, but as far as physically affecting the child...a parent having a drink or two doesn't. Smoking a cigarette or a joint in the same house as your baby or in front of your baby....affects their lungs. That's my biggest issue. I don't want my son inhaling that.

I don't like alcohol either though so I'm not going to start a debate on that.

cutiepie replied: GAVVIN'SMOMMY---I'm so sorry he took your money. I would say I'm going shopping give me some of MY money and go shopping! For YOURSELF. That really sucks. Think of how life would be without your DH and you together. It just might be a wonderful life. But you have to consider all the pros and cons of it. You have to be ready to accept it if he starts dating other girls and be ready to deal with that. You have to be ready to accept the fact that at night YOUR the one to make your son dinner, read him a book at bedtime and the one tucking him in. But being single has its perks, with court ordered child support YOUR the one that can start taking his money and do with it what you will. And you can go do so many fun things with your child! You can go for a day out of town, rent a hotel room and take him swimming, watch movies go out to eat and just have so much fun the two of you. Believe me, he will remember that. I guess maybe Im missing (i know this will sound strange) not being a single mom anymore. Theres so much stuff I want to do just me and my daughter. You can do it--easy no problem get a job and get assistance for low child care costs and you will have extra money to do things with your child. And that way YOUR the one who makes decisions in the house hold. You can let him come visit and then he's in YOUR house. Also when he takes your son for visits, it a nice break and a nice time to spend with your friends or just yourself. I was a single mom for 3 years. It was actually pretty nice

Kirstenmumof3 replied: I just wanted to offer you my support! I've listened to you talk about the problems you are having with your husband and maybe this is for the best. Your baby needs a stable home! I'm so sorry you have to go through this and that you feel so alone! But you are not alone, we are all here for you!

jolene555 replied: I cannot imagine your situation. I totally agree with you that pot is nothing like alcohol in regaurds to your children. I don't know your husband, but I know that when Barry gets pot he has no control over himself anymore. He'll smoke it constantly until it's gone. And while he's on his wake and bake tournament I cannot tell you how many times I've considered walking out. He's completely vacant, dosen't want to talk to anyone or anything, just wants to sit at the computer 24/7 and play those frikin games!!! He does come out of his shell, however, when he decides he's hungry, which is like 10 times a day. One of my biggest peevs is that he loses what little sex drive he had as long as he's got it. Yes, I knew when I met him that he smoked pot. But it wasn't like this. I only bring all this up to let you know where I am coming from.

So, what I have done is set rules, rules that are either followed or I am forced to leave with my child. Now, they aren't absurd rules, and only in place to make sure that our daughter is safe. I found all the appropriate information to back it up, like the effects of secondhand smoke on a newborn's lungs. There is no smoking of cigarettes in our home, ever. When Georgia was tiny and liked to suck on our fingers, I didn't let him put his fingers in her mouth until he washed them (after smoking, that is). He is allowed to smoke pot inside only when we're not home or he's at a friend's, and occasionally on a differant level bathroom with the vent on or something - but he always asks me first.

It's mostly about respect. Barry respects me and my opinion enough. He knows that I am only looking out for Georgia, and that even though I love him very much, I will do everything I can to protect her.

Taking your money is unacceptable. Of course this is coming from me, and I get all the money around here. I am the only one with a checking account and so he hands all the money my way - and that's how I like it lol.

Josie83 replied: I don't want to get into the pot-alcoholism-everything debate. BUT I would like to say Lauren, I am so sorry! U don't deserve this. I really think you should tel him that he needs to be taking his role as a husband and father more seriously. Its great that he seems to dote on the baby, but loving him being cute and cuddling don't mean that he can skip changing nappies and doing the hard work too - in my opinion. I know he works, but it takes two to make a baby and he should be helping you with him! Its so difficult being a first time parent, he should be supporting you. And as for your birthday money, please try and get it back off him. Its YOUR money! U deserve to buy something for yourself and Gavin. please odn't let yourself be treated like this, if you're not happy try and do something about it. I know its easy for me to say but I'm just so upset that you were so happy a few days ago and now its all back to the way it was and you're unhappy. If you ever need to talk please feel free to PM and know that we are al here for you always! xx

GavinsMommy replied: I was really happy the other day right after Gavin was born. I saw so much improvement. Now it's just like it was basically, except he looks at Gavin and talks about how much he loves him and how perfect he is. He helped a lot w/ him the first few days.

Now all he talks about is how tired he is. He doesn't even do anything regarding taking care of Gavin really. He hasn't changed his diaper in days...and even then, I would always help. He doesn't get up when he whimpers at night or cries...and that's okay, I breastfeed...but I do occasionally give him a bottle...maybe once a day. All I really want is for him to watch him for an hour while I sleep. But today HE was the one napping. He slept ALL day long and I was up w/ baby. That's fine...love my son to death and love being up w/ him and caring for him. But I'm starting to really see the effects of my sleep deprivation.

Jerimiah said he really would stay at home w/ Gavin and raise him while I went out and worked. I said...yeah I'm sure, but you'd never get any sleep. He's like...yep...like I don't now. I go to work, come home, scramble to work, come home...etc. And I'm thinking...yeah well I've been up since the night before he was born and he wakes up to nurse so I'm at least only getting maybe an hour at the most of sleep. And even then it's interrupted bc I wake up w/ every move Gavin makes.

Ugh. I'm just so tired. I mean...I have NO problem leaving. I guess I just don't want to leave and have Jerimiah miss his son. I know how I would feel if he were taken four hours away from me. He would never get to see him. I don't know if I could handle seeing him w/ other girls either. That would hurt...but only bc I'm his wife and we have a child and I DO love him. I just...don't care as much I suppose. I guess everything is slowly fading away and eventually I'll get to that point where I leave. I really was leaving last time...when I packed all our stuff. But he cried and said he didn't mean it and Gavin wasn't born yet so I wanted to see how things went. Well I know how they're going...now I have TWO children.

Jerimiah was supposed to be cooking for me...I'm cooking for him...

I don't mind helping out w/ my money if he was making an honest effort to support us. And he is by working...but he's not by throwing away the money. By me letting him have that money...it's like saying...OKAY GREAT...throw away our money and you can have all the money my parents send me.

jolene555 replied: Maybe a visit to your family's might be in order??? I know that right after I had Georgia I felt so tired and overwhelmed, and I was getting very upset with Barry very easily. He wasn't exactly doing anything wrong by complaining about being tired, and I gaurentee he was getting less sleep than normal, he just was not comparing it to my complete lack of sleep. KWIM???

Anyhow, nearly once a week I would take Georgia over to my parents and they would "ohhh" and "ahhh" over her while I got some good sleep. My mom would wake me so I could nurse, then take her back so I could sleep somemore. Barry got his alone time as well. It was like a weekly refresher that my parents were more than happy to provide. It also gets you away from him for a moment. Your hormones are insane right now, and a little time apart might put things into perspective.

I understand that your family is 4 hours away, but I think it would be worth a shot. Make it a weekend, a week, get revived for a bit. Make sure DH is in on it and thinks it's a good idea. Maybe being apart might also let him realize what it would be like with you gone. Maybe clear his mind, too.

Anyhow, that's my suggestion. Your family would probubly get a kick out of it, too.

LillysMum replied: I have to agree that maybe a visit to your family is in order. Sometimes it helps to get away and miss someone and let them miss you. In fact, sometimes I think I should take that advice myself but that's a whole different soap opera.

Josie83 replied: Sounds like a good idea! xx

Maddie&EthansMom replied:
ITA!

jcc64 replied: I know some people are vehemently anti-weed, and that's certainly their perogative. But Nicole, hon, I think that your hard line stance on this particular issue may have caused you to misunderstand some of what's been said regarding drug/alcohol use. I don't think anyone told G's mommy that she has no right to be disturbed by her dh's behavior. I certainly didn't. And I don't think anyone was advocating blowing bong hits in the baby's face. I believe it's irresponsible for a parent to be using ANYTHING while actively caring for his/her child, including alcohol. But stepping outside to smoke once the baby is asleep for the night would address much of your argument. I don't mind if you or anyone disagrees with my politics, but I don't like my words being twisted around or distorted to support an agenda I disagree with.
Second, and more importantly- to Gavinsmommy. I really think you need some professional intervention. A religious figure, if you're so inclined, a social worker, a marriage counselor. It sounds like your problems and your anger reach far beyond the usual pre-post partum depression stuff, and I think you need some consistent guidance. As Karen said, I suspect some of this pre-dates your marriage, and there is much work to be done if you want to right your ship. I wish you the best, and I'm sorry this special time has been compromised by your dh's apparent immaturity/selfishness.

Boys r us replied: I think more than half the problem is that he WAS NOT stepping outside to smoke..not twisting yours or anyone's words here, just reading what was written and offering her support that she came to us looking for.