Divorce/Separation - How? & question ab fatherhood

GavinsMommy wrote: I have been struggling w/ this for sooo long as just about all of you know.

What is a father supposed to do for their child? Many fathers work and provide financially, but that doesn't dub them a good father. Right?? Am I being unreasonable by expecting Jerimiah to take on some of the care for Gavin on his days off from work? He works Sunday through Wednesday and then has three whole days off. His job isn't 24 hours...why should mine be? Am I wrong in thinking that I shouldn't have to ask him to play with Gavin or change his diaper, and that he should just do it voluntarily?

It seems as if I have been lying to myself about how much he really does. But he is not involved very much. I understand that he works, but so do I and I need some help from him. He is a father too...I'm not Mommy *and* Daddy. Right? Here's a situation from today...please tell me if I am being ridiculous.

I got up early around 7 with baby. I was up with him until about 11 when he fell asleep. I put him in his swing and then layed down on the couch to take a nap. Jerimiah got up out of bed (he hadn't been up yet) and got on the computer to play Counterstrike. This is a war game and we have expensive speakers and he insists on keeping the volume blasted, so it sounds like we are in a war zone, no joke. Gavin wakes up. Jerimiah keeps on playing and finally gets up and cuts the music back on to the swing, then goes back to the computer to keep playing. Gavin was fussing, not wailing, but fussing. I finally got up and went to get him and said "He wants to get up, not to sit in the swing all day". He kept on playing.

He played until 3:30 and then I asked him to play with Gavin. He said okay, but that he was going to play his game first. Mind you, he had already been playing for about 4 hours. Finally, half an hour later after me playing with Gavin, he comes in. He plays with him (barely) while I get on the computer for a minute. I hadn't been on the computer all day and just wanted to send some emails. He then hands him to me after about 20 minutes because Gavin was a little upset. I took him and he got back on to play his game. After a while I asked him to get off so he could watch Gavin for a bit, and that he had been on all day. He said no, that he worked all week and hadn't been on the comp all week. I said that was a lie, that he plays every night after work and that he needs to help out with Gavin and that he already had his time on the computer...about five or six hours. He kept playing and flat out told me no, that he was *going* to play with him, but that I messed it up.

What is a father supposed to do? Are most fathers this way? He says that he does more than most fathers. I can hardly grasp this. I am taking care of Gavin all day and night. And he is doing the very minimum of what he could do. He is always on the computer or out with friends or watching TV. I make the meals, he never does anything around the house. Whenever he *is* watching Gavin, that is defined as him bouncing Gavin frantically on his knee while glued to his computer game or the television. Do most fathers do this???? I feel like I am a single parent with magical money that puts me into this apartment and food in my mouth. I would rather do it alone than do it with someone who doesn't help...that is just another person to cook for and clean up after.

Last night I asked him to hold Gavin while I emailed some friends while the pizza was cooking. He bounced him on his knee while watching TV and then handed him back after 15 minutes. I told him to please give me a few more minutes, that I am with him always ane never get any time to myself and that breastfeeding was really getting to me lately because it is getting so hard due to his appetite. He asked what I expected it to be. I said nothing, and that I knew it'd be hard, but that I don't have the option of formula feeding when that money would be better spent on debt. He said to shut up. I asked him what he said and he said to shut up and that he didn't want to hear it. That pissed me off so I slammed my hand on the desk and told him not to tell me that. He said YOU EFFFFFFFFF...almost called me something, but caught himself.

So not only is he wrong by me, but he is wrong by Gavin and our family. He is not being the father that he could be. I never shove Gavin in his swing so I can talk to you guys or bounce him frantically or fail to read to him and talk to him. That is why I don't post here as often as I could. I look at others' post counts and they have more than me and have been here half as long...but I am giving that attention to a very needy boy

Anyway, I want to try a separation. Or annulment, heck I don't know, whichever. I know I have said this before, but I had no plan before. I have a plan now and I'm not scared to leave. What am I here for??? Free rent and food? I can take the Real Estate exam and be on my way w/in a couple of months as far as actually making the money. So why am I here??? He isn't romantic at all and my fantasy is to be in a loving relationship with a devoted Christian who isn't glued to the computer all day and putting that above his family. I am never going to progress w/ him...it will always be debt over our heads and me feeling alone here.

I am ready to go home. What are the rules for annulments?? I have heard that you can get one up to one year after marriage...and then other times I have heard one month or six months.

What things should I be concerned about? I am concerned for Gavin. I guess another thing holding me back is I don't want him to resent me for not having his father in his home while growing up.

I'm also scared that Jer would get custody. I know it's rare that the man get custody, but I have never had a job...Jerimiah has one. But what kind of judge would rip a baby from it's mother when the child is breastfed??? I don't know...

Alice replied: Wow, Lauren, I'm sorry you have so much going on!!

You mention that you're Christian. Why not contact a priest or minister and just talk it out? Maybe they'll have some ideas on things you can do before you decide to leave; maybe there's a way to fix what's broken. I know-- from where you stand it's Jeremiah that needs to change (and reading your post, I agree.) But it seems a shame to walk away from a marriage before you've explored all the options.

Take care.

gr33n3y3z replied: Ok this is a biggie Lauren
If you choose to leave DONT take Gavin out of the state that you live in bc he can call the cops and they will haul you back and you may loose Gavin.
Your best bet is talk to a lawyer before you do anything ok

GavinsMommy replied:
Thanks Alice. Well, my stepfather is a minister in the church. I turn to him for "counseling" on the matter. But honestly, it's not just about problems, it's also about a lack of a lot of things. To put it this way...we got pregnant the first time we...........yeah. And that was very soon after we met. It was a mistake. Gavin was in no way a mistake and is the light of my world. But I knew before I married him that something was not right. He had promised things from the start and didn't follow through. I have been waiting for over a year now of the promise to quit smoking. Not even an inch has he given me. Instead he chooses to lie about it. My stepdad was a big reason I got married. He always urged it. Now I just wish I had never made that choice. I should have realized that it is such a big commitment. I told him the night before he proposed that I didn't think we should marry. But I did love him. And I still do. Just....differently.

GavinsMommy replied:
That's not true though Lisa. When the cops were here before, before the first time I left, they told him there was nothing that they could do to keep me from leaving the state. That Gavin is my child and it's just him going somewhere with his mother. I also think they would agree since Jerimiah came to ME first and I didn't come to him. I was living there during my pregnancy, most of it anyway. So ya know...?

gr33n3y3z replied: ok just checking
bc I know state to state are diffrent
Just as long as your sure ok

mammag replied: I have no advice for you but just wanted to wish you luck in what ever you decide. I think you know what you need to do. Just make sure you've got all your ducks in a row. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

Let us know if there is anything you need.

PascosGirl replied: Here are a few tips for you:

#1 - you can leave the state until a formal custody hearing is petitioned in the courts and a judge orders you to remain in your state.
#2 - at this moment (if his name is on the birth certificate), he has just as much of a parental right as you do to your son
#3 - if you are going to leave, petition the court for temporary custody until you decide whether or not you will be getting divorced or not. This is very cheap, probably about $50 to file. If you can't afford it, the courts may wave the fees.

Divorce is not the best option. If you think there is a chance you can make your marriage work, you should try. I think your husband is commendable for going to work everyday to provide for his family. However, I think he is dead wrong if he feels like that is all he needs to do. He needs to support you emotionally as well. He also needs to help out with HIS child. I can understand if you pull most of the weight on the days he works, but on his days off, he needs to chip in as much as he can. Not just to help you out but to help him bond with his son as well. I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. I wish there were something I could tell you that will make it better, but I have nothing to offer you in that respect. Let me know if you need anymore tips on divorce. I know a thing of two about it!

Boys r us replied: Anullments aren't what most people think they are, you actually cannot get one unless a) you find out the person you're married to has a felony they never told you about. they have a child under 1yr of age they never told you about c)they have a history of mental illness you were not aware of c) they've been a prostitute in the past and didn't tell you. D) one or both of you were intoxicated when you got married..reasons like this..there are more..but that's the jyst of it. You can't just get an anullment b/c it's been under a year.

I think that once you marry someone you that you have to make every effort to make the relationship work! Every effort, even if the other person is making none. Especially when there is a child involved!! Therefore I think if you haven't gone to counseling..you should try it out before you call it quits.

I'm sorry that you're haivng such a hard time!

coasterqueen replied: I agree with Nichole about the counseling. I know DH and I always said that no matter what the only reason we'd get a divorce is if one of us cheated on the other. Everything else we'd make every effort to resolve either on our own or with counseling for the sake of our marriage and our children.

There's always going to be hard times, times you don't see eye to eye, etc, but remember you married him for a reason, right? There must be love there, and if there is that's every bit of reason to make it work...actually the BEST reason is Gavin.

I would never expect someone to stay in a marriage they aren't happy in, but I think you should figure out the reasons why and get help to try to make them better. Gosh knows my DH and I have our fair share of problems and things about each other that make us unhappy but we work at it. And I can tell you about 90% of the time I really feel like my DH ISN'T working at it, but I still try.

I'm sorry things are so rough for you right now.

moped replied: ummmmmmmmmm, ok well yes you should check out all options with a lawyer and the state laws, but I am canadian so things are a bit different here..............I am sorry you are going thru this - if it is any help Tom wasn't that great with jack early on either, we had many talks about it and he HAD to step up to the father plate and he did eventually..............it sounds familiar

A&A'smommy replied: I am with Nichole and Karen on this one dh and I made the SAME agreement well except he said "please don't ever cheat I wouldn't be able to handle it" and I have said the same thing under the agreement that divorce is NOT a choice for us.

((((((BIG HUGS))))) I'm sorry things are SO hard for you right now you are so right it is NOT fair that he gets to spend 8 hours playing a game and everyonce in a while "play" with Gavin!! I hope you can get some sense into him... maybe have an adult that he likes to talk to talk to him a older guy that has BTDT or try couseling... Good Luck ((((((HUGS)))))

GavinsMommy replied: Well he didn't help me out one bit last night and he slept until almost one today...got up to eat...went and bought cigarettes (with our maxed out card ) and went right back to sleep. I took the baby in the bedroom and he told me to leave, but I said I wanted to nap too and he said that he didn't feel well and was tired.

WTH I'm tired too!!! My job is 24 hours a day and Gavin was up ALL night last night, no idea why...

The only thing I am worried about is him getting custody. Other than that...but he smokes pot anyway so I don't see why he would.

That just shows where his priorities are...buying smokes when our card is maxed out.

I know what you guys say...but I have put up with so much crap with him this past year and it is only getting worse...I see no signs of improvement. I don't want to wait ten years for it to improve! He's so liberal and I'm NOT and I guess that doesn't mesh well...I can't even get on here hardly bc I have no time to myself...always holding baby

gr33n3y3z replied: if you ever want to talk Lauren I'm here for you
Hugs

Kirstenmumof3 replied: Your DH sounds a lot like my sisters ex-husband. You need to get out of this marriage, find a good lawyer and fight for custody of Gavin. Do you have somewhere to go? When you do leave him keep a log of everything he says, does and doesn't do. If you get a custody agreement make sure you keep up your part of the agreement. I think once you leave and file for divorce he won't care. You need to think of what is best for your child and what is best for you!

Alice replied:
I remember some sitcom ( I think it was Roseann?? Which I hate, but anyway:) one kid told the other he was a "mistake". The mom replied that he was not a mistake, he was a "surprise." A mistake is something you regret. A surprise is somthing you didn't know you desperately wanted until you got it.

Anyway, the best of luck with your very difficult decisions. It sounds like maybe it is time to consult a lawyer. Look in the phone book for legal aide-- maybe they can point you in a direction.

PascosGirl replied:
It was Roseanne.

Mommy2BAK replied: Your stories sound very familair to me. John and Jerimiah are a lot alike. I am sorry you are going through this, I am going through the same thing! You should PM me sometime and we could talk!

Daisyx3 replied: OK I know so much how you feel.. I married my dh when I was 17 and he was 22. I did everything for my baby and cleaned the house and worked. He did nothing. We had other struggles too. For alogn time we were just married..

I hope you dont take this the wrong way but it seems your giving up to easily. I dont know how long you have been married but it doesnt get good until you been married about 10 yrs and it gets real good at 15 yrs lol.. Thats the ole wives tail..

Anyway I cant really get into my life situation right now. I will tell yout his when my ds was 1 (now 8) My dh would be holding him and my dh would spit on me. My dh would throw things at me.. He NEVER watched the baby but he did spend time with him. We had such a horrible marriage but we stuck threw it. Probably about 5yrs it got good for a while and then down and now its kinda back up.. I guess my whole th ing is you need to show him what its like.

One day when he wakes up you hand him the baby and walk out the door and go shopping.. You dont ask you tell him your going. If you ever need to talk I'm here.

Honestly I know that your step-dad might be your preacher but you need different biblically counseling.. NOt to be mis proper but if you preacher is telling you to divorce him then hes not doing it properly according to the bible.

According to the bible the only reasons for divorce is if theirs an affair or the Dh is not being a provider.. You need to pray about this.. I'm not saying your going to hell dont think that at all. I ponder with Divorce alot..

If you want to talk I'm here. I dont know the whole story but I have been there.


There is lots more to my marriage in the past that I coudl write a book lol

Jamison'smama replied: So sorry--you have been going through a lot with him for a LONG time--no matter what happens, you can say you have given him many chances to change and you have worked hard to keep this relationship going. You deserve to be respected, treated kindly, and loved. We marry someone to walk through life with us--he is sitting on the sidelines. I know it is hard for some men to bond with infants and it may get better as Gavin gets older but it may not. Do what you need to do, get support where you can and listen to your heart, not what we tell you.

MommyToAshley replied:
Very well said!

I wish you the best. Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

GavinsMommy replied:
Lana

EVERYONE ELSE...DON'T READ UNLESS YOU CAN HANDLE RELIGIOUS POSTS

Don't take this the wrong way...I'm not meaning to be rude at all. But you just joined the other day, so you only heard a small fraction of what I've gone through during our marriage. Honestly, the second he spit on me while holding my son, I would have left. I haven't left yet (did once, but just for a week) but let me tell you...you spit on me, and I'm out. My aunt spit on me and I didn't talk to her for a year and was very close with her prior.

You can call it what you wish...giving up easily or not. But I've already withstood some pretty trying times with him and it isn't getting better. I don't want to waste...yes, I said waste...ten or fifteen years of my life waiting for someone to wake up and realize that *they're* the one who isn't appreciative and has issues.

My stepdad has never advised me to get a divorce. He is the one that urged us to marry and he would always say that he hopes we work everything out. But he is not going to tell me to stay in a loveless marriage either.

You brought up going to hell (though you didn't say that divorcing would send me there and that struck something w/ me. In no way do I believe a person's salvation is based on works. It is a gift based on faith...we are saved by grace. The Bible says that our sins will not be remembered. Believers are judged according to the good they have done and thus...that determines their reward in Heaven. Non-believers are judged accord to their sins because they have not accepted Jesus Christ. My point is...everyone falls short of the glory of God and everyone sins and if our salvation were based on good things we do vs. bad...no one would make it to Heaven. Because if you remember...one sin makes you a sinner and sinners cannot be with God...unless they are washed with the blood of the Lamb. Anyway, sorry to get off on a spill about that

I'd also like to point out something else you said. The Bible doesn't warrant divorce unless an affair or lack of providing is present. Okay, sure. Well...if you are a reader of The Word you would recognize that even thoughts are sins and if, for example, Jerimiah were to ever picture someone nude, think of having a relationship with someone else, watch pornography, etc...then he is an adulterer because he has taken those intimate thoughts which should only be shared between us...elsewhere. If you don't agree with this idea, then I urge you to read some scripture, because I'm confident that it's certain and true. If I fantasize about a relationship with another man, I have sinned with the heart and mind...and it *is* sin. Many don't like to believe that just thinking something is sin for obvious reasons. But The Bible is very clear about it being so. If you never sin in your lifetime against another person, but on the inside you are thinking horrible thoughts of them and talking about them silently to yourself...would you not agree that isn't right?

Anyway, lol...my point of that was that he is an adulterer...as most people are. He has sat up nights and neglected our marriage by watching adult movies. Each time he does that, he is going outside of our marriage. Whether he is thinking of them or not, he is still using someone or some people to pleasure himself. He is also neglecting our physical relationship...so it is bad in two ways.

If truth be told, we as Christians are urged to "flee from sin" and to surround ourselves with other believers. Jerimiah claims to believe, but honestly if he does, he doesn't show it...in fact, he shows all signs of NOT being a believer. I am living w/ someone who I feel has basically corrupted me since our meeting. It didn't register from the start, but I am such a different person than when I met him.

I don't know...I also think that my stepdad is the best possible "counselor" for me. It is dangerous to trust someone you do not know in regards to scripture and salvation. There are many people who do not understand or percieve something differently, and I don't want to instill conflicting beliefs. I know how Jeff (stepdad) processes scripture and I whole-heartedly agree with what he says. He's a firm believer and I fully agree with his beliefs, so for me, he is the best teacher.

I don't know...for future references, it's not a good idea to bring about religious talks with me I am very passionate about what I feel and even if someone isn't necessarily disagreeing w/ me I feel the need to go into long spills. So sorry...lol.

GavinsMommy replied: Update

Well, we had an argument, go figure. And I brought everything up. As usual, he was very anal at first and then he sobbed. Every time we argue I can always see that he really *wants* to do everything right, but that he's just immature and so strong willed.

Anyway...I told him that I wanted to go to SC, that I didn't want to live here anymore. I said that when the lease was up that I was going home and he could follow me if he wanted to or stay if he didn't. I've already found some jobs on Monster for him to apply for, but I don't know...he needs to make at least what he makes here.

But anyways...basically I am going to go home soon and he can come if he wants.

I really think the majority of our issues stem from my isolation here and lack of time with my family.

mammag replied: I hope everything goes well for you Lauren! You'll be okay either way, whether he stays or goes with you. I think having family will help you also. You won't fel isolated and alone anylonger. Even if he goes with you, you won't be depending on him as your sole source of help and companionship. Good for you for taking a stand!

Good Luck!!

gr33n3y3z replied: Well if you go to SC will you both be living together?
Are you both from SC and have family there?
I hope the move to SC will be a good move for you both.
Keep me posted Lauren

moped replied: I am sure you are right Lauren - it can be so hard to be away from everyone you love..........keep us posted!

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I am not in your situation in respect to your relationship, but I do understand the feeling of isolation and not being close to family. It's something I struggle with every day and still trying to find out how to get pass. But PLEASE, do not point blame on yourself for having these feelings. I think it's natural for most SAHM. If you can, look for a moms group, playgroup, My Gym class, Gymboree, local YMCA, or something. Just get out of the house. Walk around the mall. You'll discover that lots of moms are going through the same thing you are.

I read through all the posts, and no I do not know you (because I can't get on this board as much as I would like either), but just judging from your posts, you are a very smart woman!! I'm not religious, but I'm impressed with how well you know yourself! I say go with your gut on this. Sounds like you've given it your all and it's just not working. So I completely disagree with anyone telling you to keep on trying especially when you've explained that you don't want to. I think divorce is a very personal decision whether your spouse cheated or not, but that's just my opinion. Life is too short to wait 15 years for a marriage to be good.

In the legal sense, I'm not sure what to tell you. I don't know anything about custody rights, etc. I support you on going back home. You are strong. Good luck.

And one more thing...no insult to this board...but it helps to actually talk to live people, face to face. I often feel more isolated, depressed, thoughts on divorcing my Dh, when I get sucked into the cyber world.

JAYMESMOM replied: I want to start out by letting you know that you are in my prayers. Being a mom without your family near by for support has got to be one of the hardest things you will every do. My husband was not really involved when our daughter was born and that was because he thought that since I was breastfeeding he wasn't needed. Men look at things so much different than women do. They think if they change one diaper they need to do nothing for the rest of the day. Don't give up on him just yet. The one thing God showed me was that instead of asking him to change I needed to let God change him. Some people won't change but I will tell you my constant prayers and my resolve to stick with it has created a wonderful caring relationship. Trust me we have had our ups and downs and when I was pregnant I almost divorced him. Now we are at a place that I could not have seen myself at almost two years ago. We go to church together and I have found that putting GOD first in our relationship has been the key. Pray that God changes his heart, because you can't. My old pastors wife still tells how she would pray that God woul make her husband sick if he drank or did things he wasn't supposed to. It worked and eventually he found Christ and is now a pastor. God can do things we can't even imagine he can do. I am now in a slightly different situtation as my husband is on the road for work 25 days a month so now I have to do it all. He did fall back into that rut when he was home for a few days but I prayed for strength and God is showing him the road to follow to be a father. Along the way he is showing me how to be a mother and a wife in ways I can't even imagine considering my temper and attitude. Feel free to message if you want to talk. Remember one thing, GOD will get you thru whatever he puts before you. It always gets rougher before the road goes straight. But it is during those times that we grow the most. You will reach the top of your mountain!