Dealing with those that don't seem to care?

Our Lil' Family wrote: I'm having a hard time right now with a close family member who has yet to acknowledge our loss. It upsets me greatly that she hasn't called, emailed, sent a card, texted, NOTHING, I know she knows. How do I deal with this animosity I feel towards her? I can't write her off, I will always have to see her/have a relationship with her.

coasterqueen replied: Maybe she doesn't know how to approach you on it. It can be hard on both sides. I know when a close friend of mine (we were pg at the same time) and she lost her baby I really didn't know how to handle it or what to say. It took me awhile before I could approach her and tell her I was sorry for her loss.

I have no clue why for sure your family member is acting that way, but it's possible he/she doesn't know how to express it to you.

gr33n3y3z replied: Awww Naomi

Maybe she just doesnt know what to say hun but I understand a simple card or a text would be a huge diff. to you
Dont take it as she dont care some ppl. just cant deal so them saying nothing is best for them.

mummy2girls replied: It can be hard ... For some people its hard for them to bring stuff up because they are afraid they will hurt you or make you cry. She probably feels bad and such but just not sure if she should just bring it up. Just try to ignore it. It will just make what your feeling worse and resentment will kick in. I went through that alot with family. mine was when they stopped talking about the baby just days after the loss and oohing over the new baby my brother had. Its a difficult time and maby you have to make the first move in order for her to know you are ok about talking about it. That you just need a hug or talk.

(((HUGS)))

moped replied: Could she be uncomfortable and not know what to say and think saying nothing is better? It can be hard to call soemone who has suffered what you have.......my cousin had a still born at 40 weeks and it took me a month or more to get the courage to call her........I didn't know what to say or how to help.

I hope you are feeling better.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: Naomi I'm so sorry. It's best not to take it too personal. Have you tried calling her to talk to her about the pain you're in? Maybe just opening up to her and leaning on her would give her the opportunity to console you. There could be so many reasons why she hasn't called. You might just give her a call and mention it. Not everyone deals with things the same and you have so many people in your life that have acknowledged it and sent cards, etc. God placed those people there for you--to help you and Tim get through this. It might be that this person isn't supposed to be there--but will be there for you in other ways--and possibly at another time. I had to learn this about some of my closest friends/family when I went through all that stuff a year ago. It doesn't mean they don't love us. It's just that not everyone can be there all the time and understand everything we go through. And that's okay. You have so much love surrounding you--and so many prayers. Fill your heart and mind with positive things and there will be no room for animosity. It will also help you heal.

I love you. Call me if you need/want to talk.

~Roo'sMama~ replied: I have BTDT. When I miscarried no one in my family ever wanted to talk about it. I would try to bring it up and they would change the subject or just not reply. I don't know if they acted that way because my sister was also pregnant and was due just a week later than I had been, or maybe after I got pregnant again it was because they thought I should just put it behind me but it hurt beyond belief. I needed to talk and they weren't there for me.

I don't have any great advice as far as how to deal with it because I never really did. I ranted and raved to my Dh and to my IRL friends and here, but I never had the courage to confront my family and ask them why. I don't have strained relationships with them because of it though - I eventually just decided that they weren't the ones to go to to talk to, and I was blessed with plenty of good friends who I could talk to, so I finally just let it go. I don't know if it was the right thing or not, but I'm ok about it now. I still wish they would have been more understanding, but I'm not mad.

MommyToAshley replied: People avoided the subject with me completely and seemed to feel uncomfortable whenever I brought it up. I do remember feeling very angry that everyone just wanted to forget and move on, no one wanted to acknowledge my baby. I think some just don't know what to say or how to say it so they say nothing at all.

I never did confront those that made me feel as though they didn't care, but I think if you do you may find out that this person does care but doesn't know what to say or do.

Naomi, I am sorry for all that you are going through. I know we don't replace family or friends, but we're pretty good listeners if you want to talk.

Kaitlin'smom replied: like most said it might not be they dont care, its more than likely they dont know what to say or worried you woudl get upset for them bringing it up. I am not good at it at all and the few people I know personally that have lost a child I had no idea what to say or if they even wanted to talk about it. I felt bad not reaching out but just did not want to add to the pain. I know better now and that most want to talk about so i am tring to reach out more.

DVFlyer replied: I agree with the above posts that say sometimes people just don't know what to say or how to say it... after all, it IS a very sensitive topic.

To answer your question about how to deal with this animosity towards this person, you need to figure out why you feel the way you do. i.e. what makes you feel angry, sad, etc about her not reacting or responding to your situation.

I would be happy to expand on it more (but am worried, because of the subject matter, that it may not come out right ) I could PM you if you like.

CantWait replied:

I wish I had an answer for ya hun.

Our Lil' Family replied: Thank you all very much for the kind words. I suppose she could possibly not know what to say, I certainly didn't before I went through this myself. I guess I just expect too much. I can't talk to Tim about it because he never wants to make waves in the family, so I'm supposed to just let it roll off my back. Ironically enough it's him that I wish she would call, not even me, it's part of his family. It bothers me more than it bothers him. Guess I should just let it roll off my back. I know I need to let this feeling go, it just hit me hard today for some reason.

luvmykids replied:
I think it's one of the ups and downs after a loss like yours Be patient with yourself

My SIL had a miscarriage, I took flowers to her and as soon as I saw her started bawling. I felt like such a jerk because, until then, she'd been having a GOOD day Since then, I'm always afraid to call someone after any loss thinking "What if they're having a good moment and I ruin it?". Odds are, they appreciate it either way but maybe she's thinking along those lines?

~Roo'sMama~ replied:
I have felt that way too lots of times. I have a hard time knowing what to do because I want them to know that I'm thinking of them, that I care and that I'm willing to listen if they need to talk, but what if they are having a good day and not even thinking of it right now and I bring them down? So there have been times when I've wanted to say something and haven't. But I would never just keep absolutely silent - it's a hard thing to bring up but I always want my friends to know I care.

The same thing actually happened to me after my M/C ~ I was having a good day... well a good couple of hours anyway, it was too soon for good whole days. I was about to go shopping with Jennifer to occupy my mind and a friend brought me a flower just before we left. I cried about it later, but at the time I just thanked him and was fine. Later I was worried that he would think I wasn't even all that sad about it because I didn't start crying or something... funny how we always worry about what people think, no matter what side of the situation we're on.

redchief replied: Naomi, I'm sorry you're feeling that way. I know this may not be something you even want to think about, but perhaps this person doesn't understand the depth of your loss. Unless you have been through it, sometimes it's difficult for others to feel the emotion and emptiness as you feel. It doesn't mean that they're insensitive... it could be that she simply doesn't understand.

mariesmom replied: I understand why you are upset. I had a similiar situation, unfortunately a lot of my family deals with issues by not talking about them or acting like it didn't happen. I have no idea if this applies to your family, but it might be good to ask them or start the communication with them if they are not sure how.

CantWait replied: You know going back to this again, I have a friend that has yet to acknowledge mine (the girls who's wedding I'm in this summer), or acknowledge the fact that I'm pregnant again for that fact. I just put it up to sometimes people are in their own little world (I know she is) and there's nothing I can do about it.