Daughter Suspended - help with my daughter

LonelyDadTo2 wrote: Hi, I'm new here. I have a problem with my daughter. She is in the 8th grade. The other day I was called into her school. That's when they informed me that my daughter, Jess, is suspended for 3 weeks. She was attempting suicide in the girls bathroom and she also had marijuana. Now, I am a single dad because my wife had died when my youngest daughter Sam (5 y/o) was born. I don't know what to do. This has never happened to me before and I am new to all of this. Please give me some advice on what to do for my daughter. Thanks in advanced.

gr33n3y3z replied: I think your daughter is crying out for help Which I think you will getting her
You have to get down to her problems
Where will your daughter be when you are working and she is off from school?
Good Luck keep us posted

LonelyDadTo2 replied: I will be at work but, I have an office at home and an office at the job. I could work where ever I want. So she will be with me. But, she doesn't talk to me or anything she hates me and she hates life. I tried to talk to her and she's like "Dad you don't understand" She then walked up to her room and shut the door, locked it and didn't let me in. I'll keep posting

amymom replied: Welcome.

I have a 15 yr old son. I understand the 'they don't talk to me stuff" My advice to you is be there for her.

What kind of help will you be getting for her now?

gr33n3y3z replied:
Thats good you can be with her
But why does she hate you so much? Is it bc of her Mother passing? Maybe she is blaming you for that? It is so sad to hear that

luvmykids replied: Welcome to PC, I'm so sorry it's such extreme circumstances that brought you here. I'd say keep a very close eye on her and if you aren't sure how to go about getting help her school counselor will be able to direct you to someone.

Best wishes to you and your daughter, this must be a very difficult time.

jacobsmama replied: I agree with others that she is crying out for help, and to you. But if she is truely suicidal or having suicidal thought she really needs to be monitered very closely. I mean being a nurse if we ever feel a patient is suicidal we either admit them somewhere for observation and counseling, I know that sounds extreme but that may be what she needs Please don't feel like you have to handle this all on your own. We are all here for you during this difficult time.

Kristi

redchief replied: Being a dad of two daughters, one 16 and one 12, I think I understand a little of what might be happening here. I found, through trial and a lot of error, that you do indeed have to treat and discuss things with daughters differently than with boys (We have two boys too).

The suicide attempt would be my greatest concern. Teen suicides almost always come back to a nearly total lack of self-worth. The fact that you have problems communicating with her only compounds her feelings of aloneness. I know you're trying your hardest to get through, but it's possible that YOU can't; at least right now. She may be so convinced that there's no way you can understand her that she has totally written off the possibility that you may indeed have the ability to understand and help. My personal feeling is that you and your daughter need professional intervention and aid to open the lines of communication again. It's quite possible that you might need some help understanding where your daughter got the feeling that she couldn't discuss her fears and lack of positive outlook with you. She needs to be able to sort out the feelings that are driving her to self destruction. Normally, I would say that nearly any professional phyciatrist would be fine, but in your case, I think it would be best to seek out a reputable female.

I think the drug use is a symptom of her feeling that she has no real worth and an escape from what she may well feel is an unacceptable life.

It's obvious to me that watching your daughter suffer so is breaking your heart. I don't believe she hates you. I think she has convinced herself that there's no way you could ever understand what she's going through. I believe she has failures in her life that she feels she can't communicate to anyone, and that's why I believe she needs a professional. I'm sorry your family has had such a tough time. I'll keep you in my prayers.

LonelyDadTo2 replied: I think that maybe she isn't talking to me about this is because she is not my biological daughter. She was adopted when she was 5 now she's 13 we've been together for 8 years. I think it is possible that she misses her mom but I do too very much.

I have many more concerns I think I need to share. Today I went food shopping I told her to come with me, she did. When we got home I took the dog for a walk. When I returned I found her cutting. I never knew she did this until now. She doesn't wish to talk with me though. Also I noticed she wrote a letter to my wife or her mom. I am very concerned.
Thanks

luvmykids replied: I think a large part of whats going on is the loss of her mother, I can't imagine being her age and not only not having my mom but trying to process it as well. The only thing to do is get her help, quickly. JMHO right now the point is not why she won't talk to you, only that she won't and is in serious danger of hurting herself. Call a counselor, now.

jcc64 replied: I'm so sorry you are struggling right now. I think Ed gave you some very sound advice, and I also believe it is time to get involved with a professional. Cutting is a classic sign that she is in desperate need of an outlet for her overwhelming feelings. Start with the school social worker if you're not sure where to begin. In the meantime, reassure her that you love her very much, and you want to reach out to her and help ease her pain, but aren't sure where to begin. Maybe that will crack the door open a little? I also have a teen-ager- I know they are incredibly difficult to communicate with under the best of circumstances, but it's clearly essential that you do so.
Good luck and welcome to the group. Keep us posted.

LonelyDadTo2 replied: Thank you all so much. I called a counselor and the earliest appointment is in 4 days. Until then I am going to try my best to talk to her, even though I am just going to be talking to the wall. I have had it with this child. Why does she hate me so much?

Edward's Mommy replied: When I was in 7th grade, I had a friend who was suicidal. And of all her friends, I was the only one that stayed by her and tried to get her as much help and I knew how to. My mom and I didn't speak for a while because my mom wanted me to abandon her like all of her other friends and I told my mom that I wouldn't do that. What kind of friend would I be if I did?

Anyway, her mom and dad were divorced and her dad lived in China for work and her mom never listened to her and she felt the only way to get her mom's attention was to act out this way. I'm not saying that you don't do what my friend's mom did, but maybe sit her down and talk to her and try to find out what she's feeling. If she doesn't feel comfortable talking, get a notebook and start a journal that you write to each other in everyday. Maybe she can find away out of this struggle she's having and your bond with your daughter could grow stronger. I hope everything works out! I know how worried I was as a friend, I can only imagine how worried you are as a dad! I wish you all the luck in the world and my prayers are with you and I'll pray that she gets through this successfully!

CantWait replied: I don't know what to say, except I'm sorry for what you're going through, and for what your daughter must be going through. I was a troubled teenager and it started in grade 7. I hated life, and by the time grade 10 came around, I was cutting myself to escape the emotional pain I felt. My dad died when I was only 2 months old, and sometimes at the oddest time I think about the time I never got to have with him. I hope you can find your daughter the help she obviously needs so she can talk about her pain, and move on with a bright future.

1lilpeanut2love replied: I feel so darn bad for you! I hope you can get some help for the two of you and it works! I just suggest telling your daughter that you love her all the time and to always be there for her and try to give her hugs. She needs it! PLEASE, PLEASE don't give up on her!! She needs you[whether she wants to admit to it or not] and you need her!! You sound like you are a wonderful father!! Best of luck to you! I hope for the best for your daughter. I hope things start getting better for her and looking up for her.

LonelyDadTo2 replied: Thanks for helping everyone. I found a three notes left in the bathroom. One was to me and two was to her mother and her biological mother. The one to her biological mom read:

"Hey mom it's Jess. I know you don't remember me much because you died and felt like you couldn't live life anymore. Guess what, I made the school softball team. But, I got kicked off of it.Mom I always wanted to be just like you and follow in your footsteps. So, I followed that dream and attempted suicide and it got me suspended. Mom I miss you so much and I love you and I want to be with you. I hate my new family and my new life. I don't have a mom anymore and I need a female in my life. I can't take this. Mom I'm going to be with you soon. Love, Jess"

What am I supposed to tell her after reading that note? How am I supposed to know she hates living with me? The note she wrote to me was:

"Hey 'Dad' if that's what I'm supposed to call you. It's Jess. I know you don't like hearing from me because I'm not the 'Perfect Child.' I wanted to tell you that I hate my life. I'm ending it tonight. I'm leaving your life and Sam's life. You guys don't care about me much so it's no big deal. Goodbye forever and tell Sam that I love her a lot and that I'm doing this not because I don't like being with her but because it's something that has to be done. Don't worry I'll watch over everyone. Love, Jess"

What was that all about with the "perfect child"? What am I supposed to do with her?

redchief replied: Where is she?

LonelyDadTo2 replied:
Right now she is in her room. She's crying and I ask her whats wrong and she quickly wipes the tears and says nothing, nothing at all. I say something is wrong and she quickly declines it.

CantWait replied: If she's in her room and your on the computer you need to get off and take her to a hospital. I know you want the answers, but you don't have the time to sit around and wait for them.

If the hospital won't help, keep reassuring her and watching over her. If she's really serious about commiting suicide, then she's going to do it sooner or later, even if you're just in the next room.

If a mom is what she wants, obviously you can't go out and find Mrs. Right or if you're already remarried, maybe what she needs is someone else to talk to. Why not call Big Sisters a call and see if she would qualify for one. Someone that could come out once a week to do nothing, or just talk.

It sounds like she really loves Sam (is that her sister or brother?), if so, tell her how much it would hurt them if she took her life, like it did when her mother died.

Get that girl some professional help now, before it's to late.

luvmykids replied: I'm sorry, your situation is truly heartbreaking. I don't think you can help her on your own and hope you've called on someone who is trained to deal with this. You could even call a suicide hotline and see what they refer you to do. But please don't put it off, for her sake. She sounds desperate.

1lilpeanut2love replied: I feel so bad for what u are going through. I really wish I could reach out and help your daughter. SHE DEFINITELY NEEDS HELP!! PLEASE DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND GET HER PROFESSIONAL HELP! IT COULD POSSIBLY SAVE HER LIFE! I lost my mom when I was 8 years old and life has been hard. She need you. I hope you are there for her! She has been through alot in her life and she doesn't know how to get through in life!! I really hope things start getting better!!

Those two letters almost had me in tears. PLEASE Get her some help!!

Bee_Kay replied: I believe (and I am no psycologist) that she needs (AND I MEAN NEEDS) extreme professional help.

I don't believe that the "once a week" route is intensive enough for your daughter.

I think she needs to be in an IN-patient, structured environment where she cannot be a danger to herself and also get the mental and emotional help that she needs. (my sister went through this, although not as extreme).

Nina J replied: You need to get your daughter help. Your story reminded me of my cousin, who was suicidal. My Aunt and Uncle watched her, and took her to a pshyciatrist, and barely left her side. My Uncle was at work, and my Aunty went to make lunch. In the time it took her to make lunch, my cousin hung herself. We were the same age. So, don't leave your daughter alone, take her to a hospital, get her help. This has evoked alot of emotions for me, so sorry if I sound harsh. But I still miss my cousin so much, I don't want you to have to miss your daughter.

Brias3 replied: Wow, sorry to hear of your story. This is the first I've read of your posts. Please give us an update if you are still around. Hoping for and wishing you the best.

LonelyDadTo2 replied: Thanks everyone. I took all of your advice and took her to the hospital. Hopefully I don't have to go through this anymore because she is hospitalized. That's not the choice I wanted to make but, it's something that had to be done. I have been crying for days. I couldn't deal with her. I just have to ask one question. Did I make the right decision? Because I feel like I didn't do the right thing.

CantWait replied:
Absolutely. Best wishes to your daughter that she gets the much needed help for herself and gets better, and for you so that you can continue to stay strong for both yourself and her.

amymom replied: I think you saved her life. Best wishes to you and your dd. Take care. Keep us updated.

Italianhuney replied: Hey how is everything going? and YES you made the right decision!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's a fact so don't even worry about that. She is in good hands. My sister at the age of 12 (now 16) was in the same boat, she ended up cutting her legs up with knives wanting to commit suicide but we called the police and they admitted her to a hospital. She stayed in a home for about 4 months after that she was pretty much fine, they put her on medication, haven't had problems since. I'm sure your daughter will get over things with professional help. Just hang in there, we are here for you!!!

luvmykids replied: I'm so glad you sought help for her. I can't imagine how difficult this has been for you and her, but try to keep in mind that whatever the root of it is, she is not herself and is emotionally distraught. Don't take it too personally, she has to take it out on someone because she just can't do anything else right now.

LonelyDadTo2 replied: Thanks everyone for all of your support. It's been so crazy around here. Jess won't talk to me and she is mad at me. I think it's just because I brought her to the hospital. I don't think she understands that this is for her own good. Thanks again everyone and I'll post again soon.

Bee_Kay replied: I am glad to hear that you made that decision. I am sure it is hard but I think you know she needed it.

Good luck and keep us updated.

LonelyDadTo2 replied: Hello everyone just wanted to post you on my daughter's progress.

She is out of the hospital and she is home. She is mad at everyone and STILL remains in her room. She just won't talk to me about anything still. She goes to a pshyciatrist and doesn't tell her anything. All of this made me think that maybe I'm not parenting her correctly or maybe since all of this occured around her mother's birthday it makes her miss her mom. I don't know but, I'm happy she's home and safe. I going to try to not leave her side and makes sure she doesn't write anymore notes. Thanks for all of your help and support

LonelyDadTo2

redchief replied: I don't think you're doing anything wrong. In fact, I think you're doing everything right. Teenagers can be very vindictive and can carry a grudge a long way. I'm thinking she feels as if you will "get off her case" if she refuses to talk to you and does other things to make it clear she's unhappy with what's going on. I think you have to keep a close eye on her, continually remind her that what you're doing you are doing FOR her out of love, not because you want to see her unhappy. I also think continuing the phsycho therapy is important. I feel she'll open up to her doctor before she will you, because there isn't the emotional barrier with the doctor. I truly believe she'll come around, though I don't think you can hope for overnight healing.

Your bravery and courage are commendable. Many in your situation would have long ago given her up for lost. Hang in there and keep us posted!

LonelyDadTo2 replied: Okay, I offically give up. I can't take her writing anymore notes. Right now she is with her pshyciatrist. I had to call her immediately once I found another suicide letter in the bathroom. I told the pshyciatrist everything and she will try to get everything out of her. I can't take anymore and I might as well just give up because this child isn't getting any better only worse.

redchief replied: I know you're beside yourself and I'm sorry. You've spent nearly all of your time here talking about your step-daughter. I get the feeling that you're kind of feeling like all of this got dumped in your lap, unfairly. What are you feeling about all of this?

amymom replied: Oh Gosh! I hope the doctor helps her so that she has the life you want her to have. Please continue to take care of yourself even while you are struggling with this. I wish you well. You and your children are in my prayers.

1lilpeanut2love replied: I am so sorry to hear about all of this! Please don't give up her. You might regret it! She needs help. Maybe she needs to be taken to a mental hospital. Many prayers and pt's coming your way.

I have been thinking about you and your story a lot lately. Please keep us informed about any news.

LonelyDadTo2 replied: Hello everyone. I'm sorry it took me so long to post. I have been very depressed the past couple days. I will always remember April 23, 2006 and July 1, 1992. My daughter Jess commited suicide on April 23. She left a letter to Sam reading:

"Hey buddy. I'm sorry I put you through so much for so long. You deserve to be with your dad by yourself. I took all of the attention away from you. I'm sorry. Sammy I love you a lot and please never forget me. With Love, Jessica Ann."

I miss her so much. Thanks for all of your support that all of you have given me. I greatly appreciate it.

LonelyDadTo2

amymom replied: I am very sorry to hear this. You are still in my prayers. Take care.

1lilpeanut2love replied: OMG!! I had been thinking about you all. I was hoping and praying for the best. I am SO, SO, SO sad about the events in your life. I wish she would have reached out to you or someone else for help. I will continuing to pray for all of you. Don't give up on yourself or your younger daughther. I feel so bad for you!! Please keep us posted with what's going on in your life.

RIP-- little Jessica Ann. May you be with the lord. I hope that everyone forgives you for what has happened. I hope you are no longer in any pain. I love you girl!!

Dad you are a strong person. Keep your head up. Take care!:hug:

Kittilicious replied: This whole thread just breaks my heart... then to read the conclusion. I am so sorry this happened. Teenage years are hard enough for "normal" kids, whatever you want to call normal... but you throw anything into the mix and all hell breaks loose.

It sounds like you did everything & anything possible for her. You're only human, you could only do so much.

My mom died when I was 8 and even though my dad remarried, I still had this aching to be with her. There were times that is all I wanted... just to be with her again. It was a very very powerful feeling that I remember well.

The main thing you can do now is find it in your heart & soul to forgive her... and forgive yourself. For everything. Once you can do that, you will be at peace that you are a good parent. You are a good parent.

lesliesmom replied: I am SO sorry this happened. I have been praying for you and Jess since the first time you posted. I'm sure you're going through a terrible time right now (and Sam as well). I wish you both the best and will continue praying for you. I also hope you get yourself (and Sam) some counselling. This is devastating to a family. Just know, that from what I have read here, I think you did everything you could for her within your power.

Halo42101 replied: I am sorry I didn't see your post sooner. I just read all of it today and I would like to give my condolences to you & your daughter, Sam. I will be thinking about you & praying for you & your daughter.

LonelyDadTo2 replied: I just wanted to say that I am currently going to counselling. I have a therapist and I am telling her everything on my mind. At the funeral however I was extremely suprised to see everyone from her school. Her best friends and their parents, teachers, and guidance counselors. I knew Jess was greatly loved I just wish she knew that. Thanks for supporting me until the end.
LonelyDadTo2

CantWait replied: I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Please remember that you did everything you could to help your daughter. Best wishes for the future, and I hope that you'll be able to heal and find peace.

Bee_Kay replied: I am so sorry.

You and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers.

1lilpeanut2love replied: I am continuing to prayer for you and your other daughter. Best of luck to the two of you. May you get through all of this.

luvmykids replied: I am so sorry for your loss. I know you were hoping for the best more than anyone and did everything you could. Please don't blame yourself, you are a wonderful father. I will continue to pray for you and your daughter and hope the counseling helps in some way.

redchief replied: My heart aches over your pain and loss. God bless you.

AlexsPajamaMama replied:

asweetnectarwomb replied: Oh, I'm very sorry for what both you and the girl have to go through.

Actually, I was having this same thought with you...is taking her to the hospital the best solution? I mean, she might hate you even more for "throwing her" away out of your life" (at least in her mind)...

But then, I think the profesionals know what to do. Let's just hope they can boost your child's self-esteem so that she'll appreciate her existance no matter how.

Just keep reminding them that you need to be involved in the process.