Dating Age Guidelines - How old is to old?

ltdan wrote: My wife and 16 almost 17 yr old daughter informed the other day she was talking to a 20 yr (man). Immediatley flags went up for every father's general concerns!!! I do not feel comfortable with this situation at all and would like tohear some other parents advice/reccomendations regarding same. My daughter will be a senior this year but has had only a handful of dates. She is a cheerleader, soccer player and recently got a job (only after being pushed to do so). All in all she is a good kid, but just that - a kid, she is in no way mature for her age. She does not have alot of close friends, I believe alot in part because she is hard to get along with if things do not go her way. She has alot of problems with obeying her mother and works the system when I'm not home. I have recently told her how I feel, and said she can talk to this guy on the phone only, that he is not allowed at my house and they are not to be anywhere alone together. Please advise!!

1lilpeanut2love replied: I would tell her when she is 18 she is allowed to do whatever she wants to do, but now she HAS to do what you tell her to do and listen to your rules!!!

I know how guys are at that age!!! They like the younger ones!!!! I speak from personal experience! They usually just want "some"!!! If you know what I mean!!!!!

Bee_Kay replied: Our dating rule is 2 years.

It's tough at your daughters age. There are ALOT of factors to think about. Here in Minnesota, the age a teen can be sexually active with a legal adult, is 16 with no laws being broken.

Taking into consideration of what you described, I would give her a little room (like you said you are doing). Telling a girl of that age "no" is playing with fire. Alot of times, they will sneak around and see the guy anyway.

Every situation is different. Have you considered meeting this guy and seeing for yourself what he is like?

ETA: You are very right to take into consideration your daughters maturity level. Some guys will prey on those that are a bit immature and naive.

Bee_Kay replied: Also, you are better off then we were a couple years ago....

My SD started seeing this guy behind our backs, without giving us a chance to even meet him or know about it. Sneaking out her bedroom window in middle of the night. Saying she was spending the night at a friends house, and immediately head to his house, ect.

When we found out, I asked her why she didn't tell us... she said "Because I know you and Dad wouldn't approve of him".

She was right. He was a downright criminal/druggie.

So, we werent given the chance to approach that subject with her.

CantWait replied: I would really try and get to know him before you say no. Pushing him away without doing so will only push your daughter away also. She'll find ways to see him whether you like it or not.

When I was 16 I dated a guy in his early 20's and truthfully they're not all "like that". In the few months I dated him, he took me out to movies, and I spent a lot of time with him, and not once did we "do it" or come close.

As for your daughter getting a job and being pushed to do so. Maybe she's got enough on her plate with school. How are her grades? I'd say as long as she does well in school then having a job and working should be the last priority. She is still a kid after all.

Taking advantage when you're gone, all kids will do that. The only thing you can do is stress that it's not accepted. Don't play on her, and go against your wife.

Good luck.

CantWait replied: Oh ya, I met my now husband when I was 17, he is 4 years older. Yes he was a little more of a horn dog, I got pregnant 4 months after we got together, but almost 12 years and we're still going strong. So to me 17 and 20 really isn't the issue.

1lilpeanut2love replied:
Very few! You must have been ONE of the lucky ones!!!!

Boo&BugsMom replied:
I would feel the same way. Especially when you are talking about the younger one being the girl. Girls are so much more vulnerable when they are young. Now, if she was 18 and he was 22 then I "might" be ok, but not until she is a legal adult. I once tried to date a guy when I was 15, he was 18. My parents forbid it, and I am glad they did now that I look back on it. Things can get so messed up once you cross that "legal adult" line. Even when you instill all the good morals in a child and instill the fear of God, it doesn't always do the trick. It's the parents job to put their foot down. People now a days are too wrapped up in being thier child's "friend". I wouldn't even allow her to talk on the phone. That will only ignite the fire more and want her to see him or sneak off with him if they are able to talk to each other. Just my two cents, or three;).

ashtonsmama replied: I would sit down and talk with her, I'd say no, IMO, that age difference really matters when they're young, trust me, I know from experience.



But if you think she'll do it behind your backs, that's another story.

I'd rather give my consent and know what my child was up to than forbid it and not have a clue what's going on, make sense?

Boo&BugsMom replied:
You're lucky. This outcome is usually not the norm.

Kaitlin'smom replied: Well I met my husband when I was 17 and he was 23 we have been married 12 years this oct. and together 14 years. I was mature for my age and let my parent met him, they liked him so we dated, if they had not like him I might have still hung out with him but I really dunno if I would have rebelled or not. Guess I wa slucky my parents liked all the guys I dated.

IMO you should at least met this guy before forbidding it. From what I have seen and heard telling them NO its forbidden will normaly only make them want it more. Ever susation is different you really have to look at the whole picture.

mom21kid2dogs replied: Here's something to consider when making your decision. This is your daughter's last year at home (presumably she's going to college away). You state she has little dating experience yet in one short year she'll be at college with exposure to tons of men and no experience in what to do with that and no family/friends to process it with. If it were me, I'd prefer she get some dating under her belt while she's still at home and possibly able to draw on your suggestions/experience/judgement. Before slamming the door shut, you might consider having the guy over for dinner, going to a function as a family such as a concert on the lawn, art festival, sporting event, etc. Personally, I think I'd opt for my daughter dating an older guy while still under my roof than going off to college with little experience in guy picking.

Good luck!! Makes me glad mine is only 5

redchief replied: 20 year olds chasing minors are after trophies, IMO. I'd have to base my final decision on a meet with the guy, though. I'm not crazy about the idea, though.

mammag replied: I definitely agree, you need to meet the guy. I know a lot of guys that age just want the young "fresh" girl. However, I can't automatically say I would say no because I met my husband when I was 16 and he was 22. We've been together for 16 years. If it's a 20yo punk that's a lot different then like Chris was....he had plans for the future, treated my parents with respect, and never pushed me into anything. It's really a tough call I think.

1lilpeanut2love replied:
Well Said, Ed as usual!!!!

My3LilMonkeys replied:
A VERY good point.

Personally, I agree that you should definately at least meet the guy & give him a chance.

redchief replied: I don't think there are too many trophy hunters that are willing to make the commitment to develop a relationship with family. Either way, it'll be easier to decide for yourself what his intentions are.

1lilpeanut2love replied:
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ashlynn's Mommy replied:
I totally agree with you