DH is an... - all or nothing man

mysweetpeasWil&Wes wrote: This is most likely only a vent...and I'm sorry to ramble...it's long...

My DH and I are so on the wrong page these days and I'm so darn frustrated right now. I think we have a wonderful relationship, but I just feel like he's more my roomate than my spouse. I know that's nothing new to most of you, we all deal with it from time to time. But we're so "off" lately...He chose to stop drinking about a year ago when I got pregnant with Wil. Great, right? It's healthier, it's not safe to drink...but I miss sharing that with him. Being a SAHM has been a rough transition for me. Yes, no one forced me to do it, but I've gone from working 70+ hours planning events where it's social 24/7...to cleaning, cooking, laundry, errands...and no adult conversation whatsoever. So when my DH comes home from work, I'm ready to have some fun. Maybe go out for happy hour or something once in awhile. This happened last night. He came home and we decided to go out to a local restaurant and just have appetizers and a glass of wine (for me) at the bar. I wait for this allllll week! Of course it was way too busy and we had to wait fro a table...but I didn't mind...Wil didn't either. But my DH immediately wanted to go and suggested we just get takeout...boring. I suppose we're both just in different places right now and it's just going to take more work to keep our relationship happy, but it's really frustrating. So then we pick up a bottle of wine (for me) at the store and take our takeout home. He's in bed right after dinner...boring...I'm on HERE, because I'm so damn lonely...and then I crawl into bed (yep, he's fast asleep and I'm hmmmm ready...). Sad to say it takes a couple glasses of wine these days...although he still didn't wake up. So the routine continues over and over, every day of the week and weekends too. We get up this morning...here's another one...I want to make a nice breakfast for our family since it's Saturday, but all he wants is his smoothie. He has it every day during the week, but he can't sacrifice one day to eat something different with his family. Nope. My DH is ALL OR NOTHING!!! I can't stand it. It's either 12 beers or NO beers. It's either crappy food or smoothies every day. It's wake up every day at 6am (even on the weekends) and in bed by 9pm (even on the weekends). There's NO change, no compromise, no unpredictable activity going on at our house. And I'm tired of it. So guess what happened this morning (after smoothie fo course), he goes to work!!! It's friggin Saturday!!!!!!!!! We're having company tomorrow and I had planned for us to do some shopping together, maybe go do something "fun". You guys, I know that it's his salary that's keeping us afloat, but I want him to find some balance between work and his family. Again, it's all or nothing for him. All work, no play. He complains that he never has time for himself, well make time. I've offered to sign him up for golf lessons, I've asked him to take a walk with me every morning before work, but no, work comes first. His boss calls this morning and I swear THEY have more of a relationship than us. He somehow "lights up" when he calls. So it makes me feel like I'm in college all over again with my roomie going off to work every day and I'm here cleaning his dirty dishes (blender with caked on protein powder) in the sink!!!!! Yeehaa!

bwalkerletters replied: Sorry to hear about all of this. You definitely need to tell him how you feel. Let him read your post on here........because that is how you feel. Some people hide their feelings too much when they are in a relationship, and I don't see anything wrong with what you had to say. You didn't bash him, you just have concerns, so tell him exactly what you just posted, or let him read it.

ian'smommy replied: I sure understand how frustrating it can be... My DH always tells me that when he gets home from work he wants to relax... On his days off, he wants to relax, maybe spend time with some guy friends. I understand that, but when is my chance? I kept the house clean all week, looked after Ian, and coooked the meals... He worked all week of course, and today on his day off, he is paintballing... Great... But what I am doing? Same thing I did all week. It's the same old routine for me... Like you, I feel like a lot of the time I just have a roommate instead of a spouse... And then lately we have been fighting a lot, so even though I feel lonely alot (he is gone 11 hours a day for his job) there are times when I am glad when he works because we can't fight that way... I know this isn't helping you any... I guess my post turned into more of a vent too...
Yesterday we fought... I was so mad that when he tried to backpedal on what he said that hurt me, I didn't want to hear it... So he kept quiet... Well now I think he thinks everything is fine... He is treating me like nothing happened, meanwhile I am still hurting over his comments... I already told him that if we can't resolve our issues on our own, we are going to go talk to someone... I mean, I love him, but lately because of all this crap, I don't feel IN love... I sure hate that... I suspect, as does his family, and even him, that he has a depression problem. He told me that he would see a doctor about it but hasn't even made an appointment yet... He is the type, that if he doesn't do something right away, he forgets about it and it doesn't get done... I know if I bring it up again he will get upset with me for not dropping it, but I know if I don't it will get pushed out of his mind by other things....Depression runs in his family by the way... Both his brothers suffer from it as does his mother...
Anyhow, that is my vent... Wish I had some helpful words to say....

bwalkerletters replied: Well, like I said before, I think both of you should really sit down and let it all out, just like you have on here. I'm not saying to start an argument, but be honest with them, but also in a way where they know it's not anger, but feeling lonely and hurt.

ian'smommy replied: Jason, we have had several serious talks. I tried to tell him the nicest way possible that I haven't been very happy and I said pretty much everything to him that I mentioned in here... With the exception of not feeling IN love at this point and feelign like I only have a roommate... This is where I struggle becuase since he does have a depression problem (not diagnosed yet) I have to tread pretty carefully... I knew someone with manic depression real well and I am recognizing some of the same things in DH... If I tell him something that makes him feel like an awful husband (no matter how I approach it) he crashes down into despair... This is why I have avoided telling him that I feel like I am living with a roommate... I skirted around that issue before and of course he got very defensive, saying he can't help what hours he has to work. I totally agree with that, but it doesn't stop my feelings... I don't know how to help him understand that... He makes me feel like I discount his feelings when mentioning how I feel... It's a vicious circle that I am unsure of how to stop... Like I said, we have had about 3 or 4 serious talks about all this... He of course apologizes and says he'll do better, but thenthe next time the same issues come back it's a lot of the same... I always feel like I have to walk on eggshells with him... Wondering whether or not what I'm going to say is going to send him into despair again... I have a feeling this is something that we can't handle on our own... I think we need to talk to someone else about this... The last talk we had though, he wanted to try it on our own first... well since then we have fought and I was hurt and he has gone about the rest of his days like nothing has happened, thinking that I am ok as well.... If I bring up something that happened a day or 2 ago, he says I don't let things go.... I always remember the negative and hold onto it... That I am always telling him when he has done something wrong.... So now I assume this is a closed issue until it comes up on it's own... I don't know....... This is mostly more venting of course... I don't expect solutions... I wish talking it out with him was that simple... I just think there are deeper issues...

bwalkerletters replied: OH yeah, definitely sounds like deeper issues. I agree with you though, especially if he really is a manic depressive. If that's the case, then he needs to get help before anything can be solved. If he doesn't get help first, before you go to counseling, then I don't see the problems getting worked out. He has to take of HIS issues before he can take care of the issues in your relationship. Know what I mean??

ian'smommy replied: I would like to add that I have been told in the past, and have also read that you can't change your spouse.... You can only change yourself... So even though I am not sure how to do it, I am attempting to work on myself... My reactions... That sort of thing in hopes that it will eventually change how he reacts as well... Does that make sense?

ian'smommy replied: yes, I know what you mean and I completely agree... Well I told him I would see a doctor for something that he finds to be an issue, and I told him I would prefer if he came with me... Maybe then he would not drag his feet about getting help himself...

bwalkerletters replied: Well, if realizes there are problems with himself, then I would make sure you did everything possible to let him know that you are supportive of him. Don't treat him like he's screwed up, or anything like that. We've all got issues but sounds like his are chemical imbalanced issues. Just let him know that you are supportive of him in getting help.

And, you are right. You CAN'T change someone. You can be an influence, but you can't make that change. Changing yourself is all up to you, and your DH changing is all up to him. Just try to be a positive influence as much as you can, and as hard as it may be!

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I would like to respond...but the little guy is awake and I must play. DH just called and said he's going to be later at work...remind you it's Saturday. I'll get back to you both...thanks for responding both of you!

gr33n3y3z replied: I hope everything works out ok
But I agree with bwalkerletters you should show him what you wrote
But I wouldnt show him this one rewrite it and hand him a note.
Bc showing this to him here may open another can of worms
Good Luck

bwalkerletters replied: That's true Lisa........ Just rewrite the same thing on paper and give it to him.

Boys r us replied: Oh dear god....did you take this excerpt from my autobiography? LOL

I can so relate. Well Rick isn't as all or nothing as your DH..but the whole same old routine and the working tons and seeing some sick little spark in their eye when their boss or business partner calls them..yeah..totally can relate!

I don't know what to tell you except to talk to him. I have managed to change things up in our house a bit..by just doing it..by taking charge and doing it! If you want to make breakfast, then make it and when he comes in the kitchen, it will be ready and he'll likely eat it! If you want to go out to dinner make a reservation and tell him afterwards that the two (or 3) of you are going to dinner...there will be no wait! If you want to go out spur of the moment..go to the outback..we go there a lot b/c most of the time we don't decide to out to dinner until we're ready to leave the house. But the Outback has call ahead seating..u call them before you leave the house and they'll put your name on the waitlist..u show up and walk in and are seated at your table! If you take charge and do things..it will take a few weeks of percistancy on your part..but he will respond!

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
Thanks all of you for your responses. Jason, yes I agree with you that talking and letting my DH know how I feel is key. I have finally learned that men can not read our minds..right?! Why can't you guys "just know" what the hell is going on in our whacked minds?? J/K. Tell me this, how do I tell him without him thinking it's either an argument, or that I'm bashing him? He gets pretty defensive pretty darn fast, even if I slow down and try and not unload too much at one time. Even if my tone is soft and unthreatening. We've gone through couples counseling and have learned how to communicate...but he is not keeping up his end of the deal here...meaning he doesn't practice what we've learned and has sorta gone back to his old ways. The old ways are the defensive ways. By me voicing my concerns, he typically assumes that I'm "putting him down". He says "Rae, why are you coming down on me?..I'm trying my best here. I'm stressed out and I wish I had more time with you and Wil too and for myself". Guilt. He also does the "get back" game where he reverses the situation on ME. I'm suddently at blame. He says "Rae, remember you used to work until 2am sometimes on the weekends while I was at home waiting for you". Okay true..but we didn't have kids then mister!! Big difference. So the routine continues...and like Ian's Mommy said, it doesn't change. It's like it goes in one ear and out the other. And I have to do ALL THE WORK and remind him that we need to refocus and look at the big picture. I'm not in this with him to be the only one working on this marriage.

Okay, I can live with a man that has decided to give up alcohol and I'm happy he's eating better since I complain about his weight, but what happened to the guy I met 10 years ago and fell in love with?? Okay we're not 20 anymore, thank god, but I don't understand why he doesn't find it a priority to make time for us and himself anymore. I don't understand why he never wants to do anything besides work. He truly lives for it...which is something he promised he would never say. And he doesn't have any buddies and I guess he's okay with it. I on the other hand am going crazy!! My mother was just in town and she offered to watch Wil while DH and I went to a movie, I was literally jumping up and down to get out, but DH declined and would rather stay home.

I should have known...I've always known the "all or nothing" personality about my DH. We were best friends before dating and I always felt a little sorry for his girlfriends that he spent more time studying than with them. I've told him this before. I love that he has so much ambition, but where do you draw the line?? He always overextends himself to the point where he's miserable and so are the others in his life. He's the guy that takes over the required units in school, on student council, architecture labs until 3am, on the sports team, internship. His relationships with others always came last.

Anyhow, I'm sorry to ramble on and on. You are all right...you can not change a person. They are who they are and I suppose you just gotta love em for it! I'm going to tell my DH that he has to work a little harder in this relationship. That I can't be fully responsible for holding it together. We both work hard, although I'm staying home, and it doesn't entitle either one of us to slack off a bit.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
I just want to say, don't you worry at all about venting in my post too! This is what this board is all about. Sometimes just reading other's experiences becomes help in itself..so yes, your post has helped me even though you think it hasn't. Thank you!!

Jason, not to get off subject, but I was bummed that I couldn't respond to your responses on the Private Forum topic. It's now closed. I just want to say I think you are a doll and I find it absurd that us mothers can compliment each other by saying "you're so pretty" and such and no one thinks twice. But god forbid you do. A compliment, whether it's from girl or guy, shouldn't make a difference. Again, we are happy you are here and sharing info re: your two beautiful daughters. I don't think you were taking it personally that you can't get into the PF, you were just voicing your opinion about the new requirements. I bet it's nothing great in there anyway!!...I'll say that to make us both feel better that we don't have a "pass go" card. Hey, you're closer than me...but I'm catchin up! I'll see you in there..NEXT YEAR!

moped replied: All I can say is that I am with you BOTH!!!!!!!!!!

100%

ummmmmm

mammag replied: Do you have any friends that you could start to go out with? Then if he doesn't want to go out you could call one of them, it might make him want to start going out with you more. I'm also a sahm and sometimes I feel like I'm going mad. I'm in the house all day and night. I need to get out sometimes and be among other adults.

I agree, you probably aren't going to change him so you need to find ways to make yourself happy. Join a moms group that has mom's night out sometimes.

Sorry I'm not too much help but I've felt the exact same way you do on many occasions.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
Jeanie, I did join a moms group and it has helped a bit. We just moved to a new city, so it's been hard on both of us to make new friends. I have more time on my hands I suppose to think about it all day. And he is just so busy that he has no time to care. It was easier when we both worked because our schedules were close to the same. And before Wil came along, we did almost everything together. Now I just feel like I'm on my own...with Wil of course . But I want my hubby around more often!! I tell him I miss him all the time.

Anyhow, you are right to say I need to find things to make myself happy. I'm totally responsible for that. But it's hard to make any sorta plans, even drinks with the gals, because I never know when he'll be home to watch Wil. I need to find a sitter...that's another story!!! 8 months and I have yet to leave Wil with a sitter...what's my problem?

mammag replied:

Oh, you're not alone there either. I have never left my kids with anyone other than my mil! Kristen's almost 10!!! I'm just afraid to leave them with anyone one else........I know, psycho mom!

That's good that you joined a moms group (this is advice I need to take from myself ). Hopefully that will help. But I also know whay you mean about wanting to spend more time with your hubby. I feel like I never get enough time with mine also, there's always something that needs done and not enough time to just be together...

I hope things get better for you sweetie.

ian'smommy replied: I so understand what you are saying, (mysweetpeawil).... No matter what tone of voice I use, he feels like I am putting him down. One day when I was tellign him how I felt about something, he said, "I know. You've made it loud and clear what a worthless husband I am". I felt like tearing my hair out because that is not what I meant at all. He says he feels like I am always pointing out when he doesn't do something right. Well he is finally picking up after himself which I tell him thank you for. And on occasion he surprises me and loads the dishwasher and empties the kitchen garbage. Before I can notice it on my own and express my appreciation, he points out that he did it and then all I can say is thank you. I hadn't had a chance to see it for myself at that point. So no wonder I can't do anything but point out his not so good points. I don't get a chance. He also turns things on me a lot. It drives me insane.
Our house is for sale... We had an open house the day after my birthday this month. I guess not this month anymore since it is May... In April... So the day before in the evening after coming home from a night out with friends, I needed to finish up a few things so that the house would be presentable. He sat down and turned on the tv... I had to watch what I said, but he knew I wasn't happy. Anyway, at one point when I said, that I was was looking for was his willingness to help because it's important, he said, "you have had weeks to get the house ready". I'll stop there. I'm sure you could guess my reaction to that. Anyway, that is my vent for the morning. Did it in your thread again, but I wanted to say that I totally understand...

MyBlueEyedBabies replied: I'm really sorry your going through all this The pp have had good advise but I have a suggestion too...We both find sitters (I need to find one too) and Go to Fridays THey have really wonderful drinks And our non drinking husbands do whatever it is that keeps them busy.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
Sounds like a plan!!! I'll keep a look out for sitters in the area! Have you had any luck? I'm just nervous...

Email me if you want and we can set up an HH (happy hour)!