DH & I had a talk last night - I've let myself go.....

CAMSMOM1 wrote: Justin and I had a talk last night. (more like he was talking at me) First, he started it off with how much time I spend on the computer. (parenting club). He said, "I know you love it, but you spend to much time on there. And you need to find other hobbies." Ok, he's right. I do spend to much time on here, and it would be nice to find other hobbies, but what? Then he was talking to me about getting out of the house. I always use Cameron as an excuse why I can't go places. (It's true, it's hard taking a 2 yr old with you) That I should call my "RL" (real life) friends more often, and that I am such a good friend to my internet buddies, but not in RL. (which is true) That I stay up way to late, and get up to late in the mornings, and that's why I'm not feeling "good" anymore, and moody. (sure that's true too!) He doesn't like the computer, he feels it's a waste of time, and that I'm not being productive. That I put to much time & energy into people I will never meet, and that I should put that time into my real friends. (he meant, RL friends.)

Basically what he was saying is that he feels that I lost who I am. That he doesn't see his outgoing, spunky, social, independant wife anymore. That I've gotten depressed, I'm a hermit, and I need to do things for me....and not make Cameron an excuse. He also said that Cam has me wrapped around his little finger and that I don't have control over him, he has control over me. And that I need to be more consistant with him, and tell him "no" and mean it. Because Cameron only acts up with me. (true. )

He told me that he would be willing to watch Cameron more so I can get out of the house, and do things for me again. And even if he (justin) can't watch our son, that it shouldn't stop me from being active and doing things. I just find it so hard to take Cameron with me places, like to friends houses...because the entire time I have to watch Cam and make sure he isn't getting into anything and stuff, and I can't enjoy my time with them. So if anything, I ask them to come to my house, and I'm ALWAYS at home. I hardly ever go out anymore.

I HATE when DH is right! It's so true. I know I spend to much time on the computer, and not enough time with Justin, Cam & my friends. I've been really lagging on my housework. I don't have that spunk about me anymore. I'm a hermit that always stays at home. I don't have any hobbies anymore. I stay up late and wake up grouchy in the mornings. I've just let myself go. And I seems like I don't even have a handle on my son. He is so sweet, but he knows he'll get anything he asks for from me, and that's not right. If Cameron tellls me to jump, I jump. KWIM?

Sorry for this long rant, , I just needed to get this off my chest. How do I find who I am again? How can I still be independant with a 2 yr old son? Any ideas of fun things to do with Cameron, while we are at home? How do you become an independant person again, and still be a Mom & a wife? Any advice would be great. Thanks for listening.

CAMSMOM1 replied: I just wanted to add that of course I love being a mother, but it's so hard to know who "I am" anymore. I know I'm Justin's wife, and Cameron's mother...but who is Ann anymore? Someone who stays at home all the time, is on the computer way to much and doesn't have a life! Seriously, I'm in a rut!

Kirstenmumof3 replied: This is the same conversation I had with my DH just before I left. I wondered why we needed 2 computers in the house. Why did the kids have to spend so much time on the computer. But now that I am in an isolation room with a cranky 8 year old boy, who won't let me turn the TV or even the lights on, I understand how addictive the computer can be.

Maybe you could start small and limit the amount of time you are on the computer. Maybe you could join a playgroup with Cameron, this way you would meet other moms with children camerons age. You could also try going out for coffee with your Real Life friends in the evening when Cameron is sleeping.

CAMSMOM1 replied:

You're right. The computer is addicting! And it's keeping me from doing things around here. But I think it's more than that. I just have "lost" who I am. At work I'm my usually bubbly self, outgoing and such. But when I get home, I'm just depressed and lazy.

Cam has hit the terrible 2's, and it's hard taking him places. I wish he would act for me, the way he does for his Dad and everyone else in the world! I feel like I have totally became a softy with him. And it's backfiring on me.


I want to call my friends, but I feel like I've been such a bad friend lately.


I feel like I've been totally complacent in life. Not doing much of anything, the same routine everyday. I feel so stir crazy, and I want to be sponteous again. I just don't know where to start finding myself again. I know that sounds lame, but I really just feel like a mother & a wife and not an individual. KWIM?

MyLuvBugs replied: Have you tried just plopping him in the stroller and going for long walks, or walking to the park and playing with him on the swings and stuff? That's always fun. Or do they have any Mommy and Me groups around that you both could join and enjoy? MAYBE, and this is what my cousin did, take him to like a gymboree playgroup or get him involved in Karate or Gymnastics or something.

For yourself time, you could join the YMCA and do water aerobics or Kickboxing, or something fun like dance classes?

What interests you? Or what used to interest you?

EDITED to say: And we are "real" people, so why can't we be considered "real" friends? I would be honored if you considered me a real friend. I always talk to my DH and call you all my friends.

luvbug00 replied: Brad and I went threw this too . But I gave him mya for the day once and told him to find somthing better to do while she's napping and the house is clean. ( our house always is becuase he's an anal germaphobe and seriously has OCD issues ( which he refuses to seek help for.. but that's another story.). we are equaly anti ourdoor and Mya's allergies also hinder that option and you can only go to the mall so many times. He finally saw my point. I also make an effort to tun off the computer when we are all home and there's possible family time ( I do go on when his basket ball is on) and we have a coupple shows on TV that we watch as a family and we have made it a part of our routine. Since then we haven't argued about it. BTW he calls you all my "imaginary friends" but I concider you all my real friends.

jacobsmama replied: Hi Ann, I know exactly what you mean about finding yourself again....I'm in the same boat. I'm not on the computer as much as i'm just not myself. I also feel very lazy and no energy. I also work part time so I work long hours 3 days a week and have to keep the house up and take care of Jacob. Dh works hard and doesn't do much around house to help me but still it is hard. I feel like the maid half the time and the servant the other half. I also love being a mom and a wife but I agree alot of times we tend to lose ourselves and I think that is because our lives have changed so much that we will never be our oldselves again. But i'm not sure, again I just wanted to say your nmot alone and I'm here for you.

CAMSMOM1 replied:


Oh sorry, that's not what I meant. Of COURSE I consider you guys all my friends, and of course, you're real. The reason I wrote that was because that's how my DH, Justin, feels about it. He really doesn't understand how I can make friendships on the computer. He says, "You put so much time and energy into your computer friends that you'll never meet. You should make real friends." Again, that's what Justin thinks. He can't understand that people can make real & true friendships on the computer. Him & I have gone around & around on this issue. I always talk about you guys, tell him stories about your kids and such. He just laughs at me. I told him that so many of you have really been there for me, and are sincere people. And I can relate to you guys, because you are Mom's going through the same thing I am. He really just doesn't understand. He sees it as a waste of time, and I see it as forming friendships and giving/getting support. And if I didn't feel you were real friends, I wouldn't be on here so much. Maybe it's just a "guy" thing.... He just wants me to get together with my girlfriends here in my city, and reconnect with them. I want to, but it's hard to sometimes...but mostly because I haven't put as much effort into it. Justin said, "If you put half the effort and time into calling your friends, as you do on the computer, then you wouldn't be so lonely." He's right. I should call them. I don't know why I don't.

I'm going to look into that Mommy & Me playgroups. I think that would be so much fun! And I did start exercising with my sister 3 nights a week. It's just hard to do after work, I'm so tired.

Justin bought me a new mountain bike with a trailer that I can put Cam in. IT's really cool! I got it like 2 years ago, and just haven't riden it much. But now that the weather is getting better, Im going to have him take it down from the rafters.

And thank you Kristi, for sharing that with me. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Sometimes I feel like I just don't have a life outside of being a Mom & Wife. But at the same time, I haven't made the effort to connect with my girlfriends, or do things for myself. I just feel like I'm in a major slump, and I need to pull myself out of it. Thanks for the great suggestions. I'm going to try some of them.

jacobsmama replied: I will also use some of the suggestions thanks for posting this Ann.

C&K*s Mommie replied: For us all being girls, I can only speak from this side. But when we are here at the house, and the weather is cool or rainy. We sing silly songs, draw/color, use Playdough, read books, cuddle (my favorite because they will be too "old" to do that one day ), just whatever we can get into during the day. If the weather is nice (as it mostly has been lately) we go outside, or to the park, we just started going back to the library after we stopped last summer. They have a Storytime that we are going to get into every Wed-- since that is not too far from several parks, we did and will start going to a park every week.

I also like to take the girls (usually on Sat) but as a treat during the week to the dollar store for a mini-shopping spree to pick up whatever they want to. I need to find some crafts that we can do as a family, though.

Chuck E Cheese is seldom busy during the weekdays. Unless a school bus comes with rambunctious 5yr olds. It is AC'd fun, and with only a couple of bucks you and he can have a great time, and you can get some great pics!

CAMSMOM1 replied: Thanks Nicole! That was awesome advice & tips!! I never thought about the Dollar Store or Chuckey Cheese.

And Cameron LOVES going outdoors. But when I take him outside here, all he wants to do is ride DH's "Vroom, Vrooms". The park is a much better idea, cause he can go on the slides, he loves that.

I just forget about all the free or cheap things to do with him. I'm glad I posted this! Its nice getting all of these suggesstions, and knowing I'm not alone.


And I hope you guys read my above post on the "real friends" thing. Cause you know I love you guys!

edited, cause Justin still doesn't like this parenting club I was just telling him how I got some great ideas from you guys, and he said from who, "your parenting club???" and he started rolling his eyes at me. Whatever, I just think he's jealous or something. I don't know what his problem is with me being on parenting club????

CosmetologyMommy replied: yeah my dh is the same way about parenting club. When I ask him if I can go online for once he says, "TO GO TO PARENTING CLUB?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Edward's Mommy replied: Chris has started doing that too!!!

luvmykids replied: You're preaching to the choir! I've been making an effort lately to prioritize housework and sleep, etc. but it's been so great to have all of you here who really know what it's like to be a mom! Not many of my RL friends are married, much less have kids.

All the suggestions for stuff to do with Cam are great, another one that we're doing is a season pass to the zoo. All I do is throw lunch together and off we go, whenever the mood strikes. But ITA with you, it is hard to do some things with a kid/kids in tow. I've started taking the kids to Mothers Day Out a few times a month just so I can have true ME time, totally uninhibited. If I feel like vegging out in front of talk shows, I do it. If I feel like running errands, I do it. If I feel like meeting a friend, I do it. The point is, having them out of the house lets me be spontaneous, which kind of restores that part of me that IS fun, spunky and vibrant but gets buried.

My DH gives me a hard time about PC too, I consider you all "real" friends. We share tears and laughter, tough times and good. What else do you ask for from a friend?!

The other thing I did that made a huge difference for me was barrel racing. I did something that was 100% for me, that gave me that competition I missed, a goal, a feeling of accomplishment. It doesn't have to be that drastic, but you may be able to find something that satisfies those feelings of missing something.

Edward's Mommy replied:
ITA with you Monica!!! I see you all as "real" friends. I guess since some guys can't connect with people they don't know...they don't get it!

Kirstenmumof3 replied:
You sound exactly like me, two years ago! I was stuck in a rut, didn't know who I was. I had lost many friends because of my mental illness. I had lost myself. Then I started a group therapy program and I began to come out of my shell. I started taking anger management classes and a few others that I can't remember the name of. Maybe you just need to talk to someone. Maybe you could look at finding yourself a counsellor. I hope you start to find yourself, once you do, the whole world looks so much better!

MyLuvBugs replied:
I know that's what you meant, but have you explained it to him? There's no reason that you can't have real friends there and real friends on the computer. You just need to learn to manage your time between them all. KWIM?

MyLuvBugs replied:
Well, maybe he should actually try to get on her and talk to some of the other dads like Salmander and Ed (Redchief).

CAMSMOM1 replied:

Kirstin, thank you sooooo much for sharing that! I always appreciate your openess & your honesty. I'm not sure what type of illness you had, but I'm so glad you got the help you needed, and are doing better.

I really think my main problem is spending to much time at home. When I'm not at work for those 4 hours, I'm home. And I'm really not that type of person to just stay at home. I think if I find some hobbies or things that interest me, or get together with my friends again, I will feel much better. And I really liked that suggestion about getting a zoo pass, Monica.

I'm feeling like I'm starting to get a plan of what I can do alone, and with Cameron. And I'm feeling optimistic about it now. Thanks to everyone who wrote back, it really means a lot to me.



Ann

TANNER'S MOM replied: I think he see's us maybe as holding you back, instead of jealousy. I think he see's you kind of withdrawing and thats what he is concerned about. I think that might be why he wants you to interact with what he calls Real Life friends. When you think of it that way.. I guess I can see his point there.

I just wanted to add that the terrible 2's are short lived and really easy compared to the terrible 15's...lol That's just my experience. If I could go back to the 2's again I would.

But I know exactly what you mean about losing youself. I did that too. I completley lost myself. I gain alot of weight and I was not happy. I didn't want to interact with people due to not being happy with myself. I had devoted my life to being a mother and a wife. But as my kids grew older they suddenly were alot more independant then I wanted them to be. They didn't need a Mom to be sitting at home 24/7 they needed a taxi..lol My marriage had trouble b/c I wasn't really the person he married, among other trouble we had.

But once I realized everything changes, marriage, my children, I realized I had to do for me. And I went on a weight loss frenzy. I made subtle life changes a little at a time. And I made some huge discoveries about myself.

But I am 32 yrs old now.. and I am in my happy place again. But it took alot of work to get there.

Just remember Cam is only that age once. Cherish every moment with him and Justin and we will be here.. when you get a free moment. I think it's great to have this place..and it's great to be NOT make it your only place. Does that make sence??

Best of luck
Mel

CAMSMOM1 replied: Wow, Mel...that really made a lot of sense. That is exactly what I needed to hear. You really answered alot of my questions. I think you were right on with everything you said. Especially the part with Justin. He isn't jealous of me being on here, he is just concerned because I am withdrawing. I really love it here, but I know I spend to much time on here, when I should be doing other things. I guess I do it because it's been so nice having people to talk to that really understand. Since I'm going to be 24 yrs old, it's hard to get advice from people my age. My friends that are my age & have children, are kinda in the same place I am. Trying to find a balance between work, kids, marriage, friends.

You're right, I really need to put more time into myself. I always give to others, and I don't leave any time or energy for me. I let myself go physically, and have gained alot of weight. I don't like the way I look, and am very self conscience. I know if I did lose the weight, alot of my confidence would return. Not just because I was skinner, but because I had my self respect back.

I hope you're right about the 2 yr old phase. Lately it's been getting worse. And he only does it with me, which means I have a BIG part to play in this. My family tells me that I let him walk all over me, and I'm not consistant. It's easy for me to give advice about it, but hard for me to take my own advice. I appease him so that he doesn't have a tantrum. I know I"m just making it worse. He is the sweetest little boy. "Who's the child, and who's the parent." For me, it's like I go down to his level, and don't show my authority. If that makes sense. I want to make him happy, but yet I'm not teaching anything by giving him what he wants, when he wants it.

I'm going to make a conscience effort not to be on here as much. Of course, I love you guys, but it is taking up to much of my time. I have to find other outlets and things to do. Since I posted this, I've been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching. I went to church today, and it felt like my Pastor was speaking just to me. And I got a light bulb moment. And with your help & support, and talking with my husband, I get it now. And I'm ready to change. I know it's not going to be overnight, but I'm so young. I need to get my youth back in some ways. I need to make myself a priority, and my family. I need to have girlfriends I can hang with again.

Thanks again Mel. I will have to read it again and again, because it made so much sense to me.

Ann

MyLuvBugs replied:
Yeah, My Dh is just happy that I have someone else to talk to besides him. lol There's just somethings that he doesn't like talking or hearing about. So, he's pretty supportive, but he's also a computer geek/guru.

I can see why it would concern Justin. There's a lot of scary things on the internet, but he should trust that your smart enough to know the difference. And there have been some people on here that have been fakes looking for information. But they usually don't last long. lol

I'm glad that you have friends close to you. All my best friends (3 of them) are scattered across the country. Ones in AZ, another in CO, and the other is in TX. And I never get to see them. But we have email. Maybe I should be taking some of YOUR advice and getting out and finding friends around here. lol

jcc64 replied: I think we all go through that stage of "losing yourself" in your motherhood. The first time, I didn't even realize it until I went away for a long w/e with dh, and I felt so free without the baby, and I vividly recall having an epiphany about reconciling the pre-mommy me with the new me. It's important to be someone other than just your child's mom. You need to reserve a little energy and effort for yourself- for whatever it was that was important to you before you had kids- or maybe for something new. But I understand what your dh is saying- being part of an online community is great as long as it's not the only one in your life. The computer does have the potential to rob you of social interaction- it's much easier to sit at your keyboard and type away than it is to get out there in the world. You do need to get up and out, no matter how hard it is sometimes. Go out to a preschool story hour, go to the park- anywhere where you're likely to encounter other moms or people you feel comfortable with. It's also important for your son- he needs to expand his horizons and learn how to "be" out in the world. It will also make you a more interesting partner in your relationship- you will have more to share and you will be energized, which can only help your marriage. Don't let the weight be an excuse for shutting yourself off from the world. It's great to have the intention of improving yourself, but it takes time, and in the meantime, get out there woman!

CAMSMOM1 replied:

Thanks for sharing that. I've been getting so much insight from this post, I'm glad I wrote it. Every post I'm learning something, and it's really making a lot of sense to me now.

The funny thing is, I started getting into this rut when I found Parenting Club. When I first joined, I was only on maybe once a day or so. Then the more I got to know everyone, I was hooked. Now I get on a few times a day, and at night I'm on for hours. Usually, at night, I'm so busy with all the PM's....that I lose track of time. It's been a mixed blessing. Of course I love it here, and I've made so many great friends...but like you said, the computer has the potential to rob you of social interaction. So true! That's what happened. I started staying on here, and I would get calls from friends to go out, and I wouldn't...cause I wanted to sit at home on the computer. It's weird, because I was never on the computer before this.

In some ways I feel bad if I dont get on, cause I know I'll have a PM to reply back to, or I dont want to miss a post on something important. But honestly, it can't take up so much time, like it has. I need to really limit myself. Today I wasn't on that much, and I had a really great time with Justin & Cam. I got alot of things done around the house, went to church, it was a nice afternoon. And I need to focus on that stuff more.

It's just funny now that I look back, I really started feeling this way after I was a member. That was my own fault for wrapping myself up in this so much. It's good to have online friends, and find support...but I can't make this a top priority either. I hope this makes sense, and doesn't offend anyone. Of course I just love you guys, that's why I'm on so much. But it can't consume me either. Like right now, I should get off the computer and get dinner ready. But I feel bad, cause I know I have 3 PM's to read, and I hate not writing back right away. It's so easy for me to get stuck on here, and lose track of the time. KWIM?

This is a wonderful board. And I value it very much. But I need to have a balance. KWIM?