Cohabitating - Opinion

mammag wrote: I was watching the Today show again this morning and they were discussing co-habitating. They were saying that it can actually hurt a marriage if you live together before getting married. They said especially with serial cohabitators (living with several different people and then breaking up) people tend to not take the marriage seriously and more marriages end when you live with the person before getting married. They also said, and this shocked me, that 40% of cohabitating couples have children together before getting married and given the increased rate of divorce in these couples, that's kind of sad.

They did a survey of young people and where a majority used to say they thought it was good to cohabitate first, the number has decreased.

I was wondering....w/out discussing religious reasons not to.....what you all thought of this.

I lived with Chris before we got married because things at my house were pretty bad then and I couldn't take it. We lived with his mom and I had my own room but I didn't usually sleep there. I sometimes wish I wouldn't have only because I romanticize the whole getting married and then living together for the first time and I think you miss out on that.... on the other hand, we knew as far as mixing stuff (finances, etc) it was working out well.

Any opinions?

ammommy replied: Living together worked well for us. We were able to work out some things before we got married. I think that if those quirks had to be worked out the first few years of our marriage, it would have been tough to make it through with all of the other adjustments of being married.

Now, I can see the point of serial cohabitators not taking marriage seriously, but we were in a serious relationship first. The funny thing is that his parents still don't know we lived together. I had my own apartment for about a year that I subleased

TANNER'S MOM replied: Lets see.. I did it both ways.

With my First husband we didnt live together. I was very young and it was a complete shock..how he was.. the true role of a wife. The cooking the cleaning the children while he sleep and had tons of me time..

And Dh and I lived together for about a year before we married and I loved it. It worked well for us..

Now for my children what do I want..whatever they want. Now I don't them to live together at 16..but as adults I see it. And I can actually see myself advicing it...on a non religous level..

Sarah&Mackenzie replied: Me and DH lived together before we were married. I have no regrets about it and we have a great relationship.

~KARA~ replied: I lived with dh starting 2weeks after we started dating! We lived with my best friend and cousin, who got married 2 mo after we did!

kit_kats_mom replied: It worked for me and kept me from making a BIG mistake too.
I dated a guy for 6 years and then we moved in together with the goal being marriage. After a year of being engaged and living together, I realized that it just wasn't going to work out. He needed more physical affection (sitting side by side on the couch, holding hands etc) than I was comfortable giving. Anyway, after a long discussion we decided to break it off.

I met my DH during the "break up period" and we dated for about a year before moving in together. I think it helped me, as an older person of 28, make the decision that we could live together for the rest of our lives without driving each other nuts.

coasterqueen replied: Well Dh and I lived together for about 5 years before getting married. IMO we'd be divorced if we didn't live together first. DH and I both believe strongly that we would have been, lol. We also will encourage our children to do the same when they are much much much older. Regardless of religion I'd rather my child lived with someone first to make sure it's what they wanted. I know too many people who have gotten married then lived together and well, they are divorced now. One friend of ours has been divorced 4 times now. She still hasn't learned her lesson yet.

Anyways, for us it's worked. We've been together almost 13 years now and 5 of those we lived together first. Hard to tell what the future will bring us.

jcc64 replied: We lived together for 4 yrs before getting married. Wouldn't do it any other way. There's just no way you can know everything about someone unless you're together 24/7. And if the goal is to avoid divorce, why wouldn't you want as much info as you can get before making a lifetime commitment?
As far as that "Today" show survey to which you referred, I don't put much faith in those kinds of "studies". It sounds like the serial cohabitators had issues with commitment in general, and whether or not they lived with someone before marriage probably was beside the point. I think if a relationship is destined to succeed, living together will not make or break it.

amynicole21 replied: We lived together for about a year before getting engaged, then another year before getting married. I wouldn't have it any other way. I think I'll insist on my daughters living with someone prior to getting married as well... it just brings out a whole other side of a person when you have to share the same space. Gives you a chance to get to know all facets of their personality.

Kaitlin'smom replied: We dated a little over a year and were engaged before we moved intogether. We lived together before we married about 1 1/2 years after moving in together. It worked for us, we have been married almost 11 years. I personally liked it that way, I wanted to see what he was like before we married. I would recomend it for Kait when she is MUCH older.

mckayleesmom replied: Well...I have a negative to add to it. I was engaged to a guy before meeting dh....we lived together and were together for 4 years....about the third year we got engaged....Living with him totally backfired on me,,because I was already living with him...he kept putting off committing to me officially. Why buy the milk when you have the cow? And living together..even for a long time..doesn't mean that you truly know that person. I told him I wanted to move back home and he flipped out and said that I better take all my stuff out the door with me,,cause once I walked out it...not to come back. So I waited for him to go to work one day and packed all my stuff and left. To this day...he still can't stop talking about me...he knows he messed up...but he still blames it on me. The person he is now..is not the person I dated.

Me and dh lived together about a month before getting married....and that was only cause he had his orders to move and I went with him....We had our wedding already planned.

DansMom replied:
Living together can keep you from leaving a relationship that isn't working, due to habit and financial difficulty or social/personal pressure applied by others. But it's still important to find out if you can live with someone before making a lifelong commitment to do so, IMO. I lived with George for 4 years, and I can't imagine not getting to know someone domestically before making that kind of commitment.

mammag replied: I was wondering also with the milk and the cow thing. I wonder if we would have gotten married sooner if we hadn't lived together.

I can see all the reasoning of getting to know each other before getting married so you know if it is going to work but also agree that it makes it harder to get out of a relationship that you know isn't working if you are living together. Part of me also feels that if you are in love enough to get married than you should be in love enough to work through things no matter what.... naive probably but that is what the romantic in me feels.

I don't have a strong opinion either way, I can see both ways, but just wondered you all's experiences and thoughts on the matter.

Mommy2BAK replied: John and I never lived together before we were married. In my familiy (and his) that is a BIG no no. I could never even stay the night with him, I would have to make something up like that I was staying at a freinds house.

But I think it was fun finally getting married and being able to sleep together at night and wake up together. I had always dreamed of that.

A&A'smommy replied: that is actually why we didn't just live together and got married right away we wanted to experience MARRIAGE and not living together. We talked about it after we got married if we had gotten married when we planned to (a year later) if we would have lived together dh said no because he didn't want to do that.

luvbug00 replied: I think it really depends on the coupple. For me I think if I were engaged we'd move in a coupple months before getting married after we had set a date and started planning. otherwise I don't think I would.

TANNER'S MOM replied:
I thought it was a big NO NO in my family too...

But when I did it they were Ok w/ it.

It might have been b/c I was a grown woman with 2 kids but it really worried me.

But for me I did it b/c w/ the older kids I wanted to make sure his child and mine got along well..that we could handle the brady bunch.

It was the right decision for me

stanleygirl replied: Well it has worked for us anyways. We lived together when I got preggo, and got married after the 2nd child we had together. But I had lived with a guy for 2 years before too and that one did not work out.
And in my family they do not have strong moral feelings about it, my mom got preggo with me young and un married and proceeded to get married and divorced 3 times, and my step dad was divorced 4 times with 5 kids from 4 relationships. (2 are months apart from different women)
So, I think it is really the ppl not the circumstances that make or break a marriage IMO.

coasterqueen replied:
So true. My parents got pg with me when my mom was 18, my dad was 20. They got married in April and had me at the end of August (I was supposed to be a very late September baby, lol). They have been married 31 years. They were only dating before they got married. So they didn't live together first and are still married that long.

It really is a couple basis on what would work IMO. But I still say I will tell my girls to live together first before marrying. You can still experience *marriage* even if you live together first. YOu still experience all those firsts, just not with the same last name.

stanleygirl replied:

Good point!!!

Mommy2BAK replied: I hope I didn't sound self-ritious about not co-habitating, b/c that is sure not what my intentions were. I will be the first to admit that my marriage is far from perfect.

stanleygirl replied: .

Oh dear not at all!! Just how you feel

Josie83 replied:

lol that's exactly what Jason and I did. We'd been together since we were thirteen, then I got pregnant when I was eighteen when we were still at school living with our parents. When I told my family I was pregnant I was promptly booted out of Chez Mama and went to live with Jason and his parents. We found a house a month later an dhave lived together ever since. Obviously we had our baby after we started living together and we only just got married last November when she was two.

Obviously this isn't how I planned my life. but I would change it for the world. I knoew I was going to marry him one day, and living with and having a baby with him confirmed it for me. We've only been married a year but we've been together for nearly nine now, and it seems to be going okay.

As for Cassie I won't insist she do anything, its totally up to her. Whatever she does is fine. Her daddy on the other hand might not take so kindly to her cohabiting . . . xx

My2Beauties replied: I think you have to test drive the car before you buy it. I was with my ex for 7 years, it wasn't until we lived together (about 2 years) that I realized there is no way I could marry this man. This is really embarrassing, but I spent the night with Brian 1 week after we met and haven't left his side since BUt it worked for us. I feel I need to get to know what it's like living with someone before I marry them. I could see how men would be less likely to commit, some men are this way, but thankfully Brian wasn't!

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: I go both ways I guess...but I lean more towards living with someone first. The only reason I'm weary is that I've dated plenty of men who were totally afraid of comittment, but they would have probably jumped at the opportunity to live with me for the fun, for the free sex (you kWIM), etc...Thank god I only chose to live with DH and thank god it worked out. But DH and I were engaged after only 6 mos of living together and ended up postponing our original wedding for...many reasons I wont' go into. But since it was solely HIS decision to postpone and we were also living together, I couldn't handle the fact that he was getting his cake and eating it too. So I moved out!! Not as an altimatum (sp?), but in my heart, I wanted to be married and I wore a ring on my finger...so it wasn't fair that he got the good life with me and still no marriage. I think it would have gone on for a long time because some guys will pretend to wait and wait until all seems perfect - it's never perfect! Anyhow, before I ramble - Yes I think it's a good idea to live with someone first. I think DH and I would be divorced today if we didn't have that break where I moved out.

JAYMESMOM replied:
I have you beat. LOL. I went home with Jim the first night I met him and we have been together ever since. I never went home until I got my apartment and then he never went home. Finally after a month I told to either move his stuff in or out. This some here and some there stuff wouldn't work me.

I feel that we would have made it either way since we were only together 6 months before getting married. We did live together but I know it didn't affect his feelings about marriage. He proposed not even 4 months after we met and then it was another 2 months till the wedding.

I know some guys won't get married if they know that they are getting the milk for free. They don't want to commit if they don't have to.

I don't know that I would condone it for my children as i always felt a little guilty about living together.

There are some things I miss that I didn't get since we did live together. Like him taking me to "OUR" home for the first time, Moving my stuff in with his as his wife, Changing my address and name at the same time so everyone would know I got married, and mostly being the special someone for him on our wedding night.

BUT can't change the past so I look at the good things I gathered. We learned compromise early on, we learned to work out our problems instead of leaving, and I fixed him financially.

So I say to each his own.

kayla's mama replied: If I had it my way we would have lived together first. My parents told me that if I wanted them to pay for the wedding then I would stay at home. My Dad drilled in my head "why buy the cow when the milk is free" so I was scared to even try to move in with DH before the wedding. My DH also told me that if we did live together before we got married then there would not have been a wedding, only because of our different quirks.

In my situation it worked out for the best.
I really think to each their own. What ever works out.