Brat Camp - Anyone watching?

mammag wrote: I'm watching it right now. I don't know what I would do if my kids acted like that. Scarey!

mckayleesmom replied: I would lock them in the basement till they changed their attitudes

luvbug00 replied: I was soo them. I found intervining just got me even more rebelious. I wouldn't handle it that way.

mammag replied:
So what would you do then?

A&A'smommy replied: I can't believe they even let it get that far... but no one is perfect and teenager are NOT at all easy to handle well most aren't anyway...

luvbug00 replied: I do the live and learn theroy. Unless they were going to hurt themselfs then i'd go get some help otherwise if they get into sex and drinking and weed then they will learn from their mistakes. I sure did. Some may think this wreckless but if I teach my children what's right from wrong correctly then they shoudn't get into that stuff in the first place.

mammag replied: I agree... they should have intervened a long time ago before it got to this extreme. Why are the kids even allowed out of the house at night if they know they are doing drugs? And Jada's dad was talking about her thinking money grows on trees and how she used his money for her drugs.....ever think of not giving her the money?

I think the parents need boot camp too.

luvbug00 replied: I agree. With Mya I wouldn't supply her habbit or let her out even if she's going to drink or do weed ( only weed anything else is not acceptable at all weeeds not going to kill u) do it frount of me in MY house where i can keep an eye on you.

mammag replied: So you are going to let her drink and do weed as long as it's in your house? Is that what you are saying?

mammag replied:

From this site.... click here

Like tobacco, marijuana contains many chemicals that can hurt the lungs and cause cancer. One marijuana cigarette can cause more damage to the lungs than many tobacco cigarettes because marijuana has more tar in it and is usually smoked without filters.

luvbug00 replied: I stand corrected it can kill just not immidiately like ectacy. I will if she's over 18 and insists on doing it. Like I said i'll take it away and do everything I can to prevent it but I doubt that would stop her, never stopped me. I'd rather know she's with me then on the streets.

Josie83 replied: There was a version over here of that but I didn't watch it. I saw some of the adverts for it and they really did look like brats!! xx

TeagansMom609 replied: I watched it. My mother called and asked me to turn it on. She said, "I want you to put this on and see what I went through with you." I too, was a REAL bad kid. I once was sent to an A.C.T. weekend. Its just like that. See the only difference between those kids and how I was when I was younger is, they are alot better then I was. Im not going to give the whole story but my mother would choose one of those children over me, and how I was anyday. Im glad I grew out of it. It all started for me at 13, when I started doing hard drugs, 2 rehabs by 14, and a few arrests, being kicked out of 3 schools, and probation before I "straightened out" by 18 or so. To this day, i feel horrible about being that way. It was really hard on my mom. Its all about the company you keep, and your parents way of disciplining.

mammag replied:
happymom, I don't mean to pick at everything you are saying but I'm afraid this is a naive way of thinking. This is a sensitive subject to me because when I was in high school I had a friend who was such a great girl but when she was 16 her mom started letting her drink "when she was at home with mom". The problem is that drinking and drugs for kids is as much, if not more, a social activity they do to fit in with the other kids. With Casey it very quickly escalated from drinking to pot, to finally cocaine, crack.....you name it. She ended up in rehab where she met a guy.....a new contact. The last time I saw her was after I had Kristen and it was so sad, she was soooo high. She had cuts all over her arms, she was just a mess.

Do you really think a kid is going to pass up the pot or alcohol when she's out with her friends and say, "nah, I'll wait until I get home to do some"?

I understand your thought process on this but I just don't think it is wise. Not to mention, at this point, marijuana is still an illegal drug....I don't think it's wise to let her do that in your house. Also, it's not legal to drink until 21 so you wouldn't be allowed to provide it for her until that age.

luvbug00 replied: It's fine... I'm going off my experences. I will not make alcohal asscessable to her buy buying for her. There'll be snowwfall in h*** when I let her do ANYTHING under the age of 18. I had access to this stuff at 13 so by 18 I have no doubt she'll find a way. My thing is our county is FULL of each extreme. ther's the ritch kids who do crysstal meth and the low income kids who do the weed and a small percent of the inbetween. We have child development classes, probation officers, poliece and a day care in our high school for the teen parents for heavens sake! There is NOTHING arround here to do until your 18. Bowling is too expencive and movies are 10 just for entry. Kids in this area have nothing to do but get in troubble. I've seen every method in the world parents who are too strict. too loose and those kids go down the crapper and those who find a medium. This is my medium. Everyone has there own opinion on what is right for their child and their tolerence level. I was just pretty much on my own at 13 so I think I feel like I know what not and what to do.

mom2tripp replied: I watched the end of it last night and it seems to be working really well. Just to add to the discussion my mom never condoned drinking or anything like that but I was allowed to drink with them around the age of 19 or 20 when I was in college. Who knows if I will do that or not with Tripp I don't think it hurt me in any way, they knew I was drinking anyway in college so I guess they figured if we want her home when she's home from college why not let her have a few. Just MO of course.

stanleygirl replied: I watched this too, and I couldn't believe what these kids were getting away with! I would have to say that I would handle things quite differently then the parents shown, for one thing the money train would STOP! You do not give money to a child who is out of control and who you know is drinking and doing drugs.
I would have stripped their room, left nothing but a bed and blanket; they would not be leaving the house without me except to go to school, and if I had to sleep on the floor beside their bed to keep them from sneaking out, then so be it.

I was a REALLY bad kid too, and my parents were so absorbed in their life that they couldnt even see I needed help. They also thought that if they let me drink with them then I would not drink with my friends That did not work, in fact I had a great tolerance for it and also had a taste for it. My parents also thought that even if they had me roll their cigs for them as long as they said DO NOT smoke then I wouldn't! Again I say
Then my step father kicked me out at 18, and I spiralled out of control until one night I got in the car with the wrong guy. He was a *friend* for years and he lied about how much he drank, we got on the highway and crashed doing 130. I broke my back and smashed the windsheild with my face. It was the most painful and horrible thing I have ever gone through, my *friend* couldn't even be bothered to visit me in the hospital and I was there for a very long time. I was in a brace and wheelchair for 6 months after I got out of the hospital and I had to learn to walk again with a walker. (I also suffered mild brain damage, but I never tell ppl that bc I dont want ppl to think I am dumb or something)
BUT in many ways it was a good thing bc it was a turning point for me, I cleaned up my act, reconnected with my mom, and grew up.
I just hope that I can keep my kids from walking that path, I want to use my experiences to teach them what could happen. I just as easily could have died that night, the call my mom got was that I was on 48 hour life watch. I still feel terrible for putting her through that.
Sorry this is so long But that is how I feel on this issue and why.

mammag replied: Well, I'm not sure what to say as I don't think I fully understand what you're (happymom) position is......

If I lived in an area like that where there was nothing to do for kids but get in trouble I'd have to move. Either that or start getting creative real quick and come up with alternatives.

I also had access to this stuff....but you know what, I wasn't even tempted to try it....not so much as a cigarette. And believe me, I was hanging out with all the druggies.... they called me the "preppy hood". I didn't because my parents constantly told me of the damage it could do and I just didn't want to mess with it. Not to mention, I knew there would be **LL to pay if I did anything like that and they found out. It's not a given that she'll be doing it either and you should always have a positive attitude that your child won't do it. Pay attention to who she is hanging out with at an early age and don't be afraid to not let them get involved with the bad kids. I ended up not being allowed to go anywhere with Casey and I hated my parents at the time. But you know what, it was one of the best things they could have done for me. I still hung around her at school but after school I couldn't so I eventually started hanging out with my sisters and met my now husband. I have every intention of doing the same for my kids. When they are young they don't realize the full consequences of their actions, it's our job as parents to keep them in line.

I think the biggest mistake parents can make is trying to be their kids friends or being understanding of "how tough it is to be a kid". (I'm not saying that's what you, happymom, would do....I'm going back to the original topic of these kids in the show) Yeah, it's tough but it is short term. I'm more worried about long term effects of short term mistakes. My job is to lay down the law and enforce it in whatever way it takes. Does that mean they won't ever drink or try drugs? Nope, but they'll be spending a whole lot of time in the house with dear old mom & dad if I ever find out about it.

I think these parents just let it get so far that they had no control anymore. You have to stop it when it starts.

mammag replied:

ammommy replied: I watched it, too, and really wish that something like this was available to my parents for my little brother. It's so easy to say "my kids would never get away with that" but I saw what my parents tried to do. Grounding, locking the bedroom, etc. Unfortunately, parents can't be around 24/7. Kids go to school, parents work and have a life. The drugs get into the hands of the kids who want them (even in suburbia).
That said, I really wanted to slap Jada's parents upside the head (these are some of the people who were asleep when the common sense gene was being passed out, apparantly ). I hope they learn something from this. I sort of feel bad for the kids who are missing Thanksgiving and Christmas, though. Just sort of, mind you.

luvbug00 replied: I think Mya will make good choises based on thease first 5 years I would totally move but It's too expencive and if I go any lower we'll be right next to the crap. Already where we live the kids are unseupervised and Mya stays with me. But when she's 18 I can't keep her by my side like that anymore. My possiton is this.

*She will never be my "best friend" she is my daughter and that distinction has been made.
*She won't do any not age approprite activities until she is 18
*I will not permote or supply her drinking habit but if she does it, she does it in my house.

when i was 11 and smoked (ciggies) my dad found out and gave me a pack and told me to smoke them all. needless to say i only got to #3 and ralfed. I never smoked again. Like I said before this is my medium. And If I see in anyway she's gone too far then I have no issues sending her to counslers or finding her help. I just wouldn't send her away.

gr33n3y3z replied:
yeah thats what someone has done with her kids now they are nothing but trouble makers and they are known as the drug house and everyone can come and go as pleased and fights all the time the cops are always there breaking up fights between the mother and daughter ..... real smart give your kid a joint and say smoke it right here in front of me.

I think Parents should grown up and be a parent 1st and your kids friend 2nd

Oh by the way I like that camp alot tuff love

redchief replied:
The United States prison system is full of live and learners that only completed half the program (the live half). I don't think that's a valid or responsible parenting option.

mom2tripp replied:
Couldn't have said it any better than that!

mammag replied:
I agree!!! It's like starting a fire and saying.....okay Keegan you really shouldn't go near this fire but if you do and get burned you'll learn not to go near it anymore.......okay but he also might be dead!

Let your kid learn from others mistakes, not make the mistakes themselves. Take her to a homeless shelter, juvenille facility, show her the consequences that way. Don't take a chance with her life by condoning that behavior!

stanleygirl replied:



Or a morgue, show them where they could end up. I saw a show once where the kids were taken to see how ppl lived on the streets, most of the ppl they saw and talked to had started out as troubled teens, they moved on to drugs and/or prostitution and ended up in a back alley or dead. I do not want my kids to hit bottom before they *learn their lesson*, I am here to teach them and prevent them from making those mistakes.

jcc64 replied: OK, I'll start off by saying I didn't see the show. What channel/day/time is it on- it sounds interesting.
I'm just wondering how many of you guys engaged in this conversation actually have kids who are of the age to be involved with these kinds of behaviors? Because, believe me, it gets a whole lot more complicated when you need to convert your theories into real life practice.
As someone who's done a fair amount of partying in my pre-parenting life, I've ruminated on the subject of what/how to deal with the subject with my kids. I had very "involved", enlightened parents- they were high school teachers/coaches, and were very well versed in the habits of teen-agers. They also happened to be very strict/hard line with the discipline. I always had the earliest curfews, the most restrictions, the most rules. Too many rules, imo. Now that I'm a parent, I can certainly see why they were doing it. But b/c there were so many restrictions and rules, I simply learned how to be a very good liar. Their rules prevented me from doing nothing- I just needed to be a little more creative about how to run my own agenda. I was an excellent straight A honor roll student, the captain of the field hockey team ,editor of the yearbook- by all accounts, a good kid. I also happened to be a connsumate liar and involved in a lot of behaviors my parents would have been horrified by.
So, by my own expereince, I'm not so certain that keeping kids on a short leash is the answer. That's not to say I'm gonna throw open the door and let my kids run wild. But I'm hoping to strike some sort of reasonable middle ground. I want to give my kids information, and the acknowledgement that they're gonna be in situations that I'm not always gonna be happy about. And somehow I hope that if I'm more reasonable and approachable and realistic about their social lives, that there won't be a need for so much deception. I want to be able to process things with them, but I never felt I had that opportunity with my parents b/c they were so hard line I didn't want to deal with the inevitable fall-out.
Anyway, just some food for thought. I think the best we can hope for is an open line of communication and enough self esteem that they won't make self destructive choices. Total abstinence, from both drugs and sex (not just intercourse) , is an unrealistic goal, imo.

luvbug00 replied: I never said I'd let other kids do it in my house! They can go do what they want elsewhere. I'm talking about my child. for the 2 millionth time Mya is not nor will she ever be in a friendship role with me. I am the parent SHE is the child. I am going threw this with her aunt. She is 13 and I have known her since she was 6 she conciders me her mom. I've told her the horror stories and she won't tuch any of it. Tell me that none of you have experimented with drinking sex or drugs before you were of age!! Get real. Parents here and slow and think there little abracrobie angel are doing nothing and they are the ones out doing crystal meth. I'm not going to let her die for heavens sake but if she drinks to much ( at 18) and has a wicked hangover She's less likely to do it again. I like the mourge Ideas and I think that is a good way to get the message across.

TANNER'S MOM replied: Well I am a mother of a teenagers...

I have been very lucky. Thank GOD and knock on wood. I do deal w/ attitude and smart butts..and sometimes want to SCREAM!

I was a wild child in a way. I never talk about my teenage years or my child hood much. But I was raised w/ a father with BAD drinking problem and NO mom. All of my issues revolved around being left ALONE in every stage of my life. My Dad left me alone to drink and picked the bottle over me..and my Mother picked what I thought to be the FUN side of life over me..so I searched for something?/ WHat I don't know because I never FOUND it..

I think alot of the parents do the best we can..mine did the best they knew how. I do think there are some kids who just are stubborn enuff to do what they want.

But in my house we will follow my rules. That is what I get because I feed and clothe you. I get RESPECT b/c I am older and know MORE. The respect is a given. If you respect me then I respect you and we have a happy house. No respect for me equals nothing for you...

I think respect is somethign that starts at a very young age. I think we suffer as teenagers from the lack of things in childhood. I am not saying that every ones house is unhappy or wrong. But I think alot of parents need to face where they are lacking to help there children.

I have no great answers..but I would never let my child drink, have sex, or smoke anything in my house. RESPECT --- that equals no respect for me and my house.

You know something even though my father was a DRUNK to this day he has never seen me SMOKE< CUSS< OR Drink....yes I do all the above..but to me I love and respect my DAD to much to do those things infront of him. Is it better for kids to do things behind your back.. I wouldnt go that far. But at least they know what is not acceptable and what will punishable!

Who knows??

punkeemunkee'smom replied:

While I agree with alot of what you said I think that when we lower our expectations of our children by saying "they are going to do it anyway" Then we are at most to blame when they do! Why not expect the most from them and I don't mean just by telling them this is how it is going to be I mean by giving them the highest regard for themselves and their bodies! I didn't ever do drugs and not because they weren't there but because that wasn't my choice. Every kid makes mistakes but why not keep the standards high enough so that they have something worth reaching for!?!

gr33n3y3z replied:
I would never say that bc

I have 2 boys 18 and 20 and they never did drugs nor have they tried them

And before anyone jumps on the ban wagon with you dont know everything
they do.....
I do know bc my kids have no reason to lie to me or my husband about it.
We never gave our children fear to come and talk to us ever its always been open comunication in our house.
Maybe bc of the stories my husband would talk about this kid over dosing or this one and that one mixing this and that and they hear what drugs do to ppl. and its not nice thats for sure. And maybe seeing what their dad goes through dealing with these ungratful kids and parents maybe they learned alot more then what meets the eye.

As for sex I can say this my 20 year old is active do I aprove of this no but I tell him to make sure you use protection.

and for my 18 year old he says I do other things.

so no one can ever say its unrealistic goal.

coasterqueen replied:
I have a similar philosophy.

I did not watch the show but saw previews of it. From what I saw *I* was a lot like them in many ways and my parents didn't do an intervention but just continually grounded me and tried to just go with the approach *lock her up and throw away the key*. They were so completely strict with me that all I did was rebel more and I made some horribly awful mistakes that I will have to live with the rest of my life.

Thankfully I was able to be the better person and forgive my parents for some of the things they forced me to do and the general way they treated me.

coasterqueen replied:
Ok, you soooo said it for me!

I don't have kids this age, BUT I did just about everything every parent doesn't want their child to do and how my parents pushed me (per se) to that brink with their strictness, etc. I do not plan to have a short leash on my children but try to reach a common ground with them. Well, I'm not going to blab on, you said it all for me.

Except I wasn't the straight A student doing all the horrible stuff, lol. I was the average B (maybe an occassional C...with D's in studyhall) student doing all the unthinkable things and I got VERY good at being a liar to my parents. BUT it did catch up with me eventually (it just took them YEARS to figure it out).

coasterqueen replied:
My husband had this same very relationship with his father. Never had a reason to lie, etc. BUT there were times he knew that his dad would have been disappointment with an action or two and so he didn't tell him. And his father never gave him any reason to worry about disappointment. We just recently had this discussion with his dad because he thought he knew everything and with the kind of relationship you would think he would have, but sometimes just knowing that you may disappoint your parents (even the slightest) can make a child not tell ALL the truth.

IMO I hope to have this type of relationship with my child where they can come to me about everything but I will have the thinking that there is a possibility that they will not come to me with EVERYTHING in fear of thinking I would be disappointed.

jcc64 replied: I knew that last sentence was gonna get me in trouble!
I guess I should clarify that by saying that of course my wish would be for my kids to refrain from engaging in any sort of risky behavior, and I most certainly let them know that. But I'm also a realist in every sense of the word, and I think it's better to arm them with the tools to make smart choices for themselves while still giving them the opportunity to be in the situations that require choices to be made. I think it's great to have high standards for our kids, but I also think it's critical to teach them how to live in their reality, which is vastly different from our own. I'm acutely aware that the world they live in is not the same one I inhabited as a teen-ager. The "Just Say No" thing sounds great, but to me, is a useless platitude.
People have been getting high and having sex as teen-agers for generations, and there's a good chance some ofour kids will as well, whether we want to admit that or not. I'd rather arm them with the tools necessary for keeping themselves happy and safe and alive, than to pretend that my rules will create some sort of miraculous force field around them.
And I thought toddlers were hard!

coasterqueen replied:
I swear sometimes we have the same brain. EXCEPT the whole not liking Bush thing.

gr33n3y3z replied:
sorry I still disagree with it

How many of you sit at the dinner table and talk about sex and drugs and drinking? And what not with your kids?

Like Mel said Its all about respect

My kids have no reason to lie to me or hubby bc we know they are not perfect nor are we.
Maybe some parents just expect to much from their kids

I guess my kids just know whats not for them.

gr33n3y3z replied:


I still love reading your posts

mammag replied: I agree it's not unrealistic.....I never smoked or did any drugs. Now, was I a perfect child? No way. But knowing that if my parents found out I had a drink of Vodka, for instance, I would be in major trouble, certainly put some limits. I knew I had to stop before I was stumbling around. I knew not to smoke because they'd smell it on me. I knew I better make curfew if I want to be going anywhere for the next month. I had the respect Mel is talking about... I never would have stormed out anyway or behaved that way in my parents home.

I talk to my kids all the time about the bad effects of drugs and I hope that's enough but I know that may not be the case. The first time one of them comes home drunk they will not be going anyplace for a while. Does that guarantee anything? Nope but I'm going to do as much as I can. I do think my kids will be able to talk to me and they know that I don't expect them to be perfect.

"It is a paradoxical but profoundly true and important principle of life that the most likely way to reach a goal is to be aiming not at that goal itself but at some more ambitious goal beyond it. "
Arnold Toynbee (1889 - 1975)

Another thing we talk to our kids about a lot is success and how that kind of life style does not lead to success.

I think it is a combination of many things that prevent children from going down the wrong path.

*Love and respect of and by their parents
*Open communication from an early age
*High expectations
*Rules and consequences to go along with them
*Developing a high morality

I'm sure I could go on. Being strict isn't the only way but it is a tool I will be using!!

luvbug00 replied:
"It is a paradoxical but profoundly true and important principle of life that the most likely way to reach a goal is to be aiming not at that goal itself but at some more ambitious goal beyond it. "
Arnold Toynbee (1889 - 1975)







an exteremly poinent quote ...tche'!

( spelling ,sorry)

KingMom replied: I watched the entire program last night and thought that every child there except for the boy with ADHD, they needed to be there. They needed to be around people that didn't know them or their parents and feel like they have someone to talk to and open up to.

I hope they all pull through and I am just waiting for the next episode!

TANNER'S MOM replied:
I think I felt sorry for that little boy..

He seemed so small like he still needed his mom.

Plus he had a medical condition!@

mammag replied: That one confused me.... why did she bring him off his medication if he was that bad? She said something about he wanted to so he could grow? Does the medication inhibit growth or something?

Josie83 replied: Another interesting debate!! Some very good points eloquently put by a lot of people

I have been reading this but not getting involved, because I truly have no idea what my view on it is. I know that Jason had fairly liberal parents who were pretty easy going with sex/drinking/curfews etc but who had a hard stance on drugs ect. He's one of four boys and they were/are a very open house like Lisa said about hers. they brought everything out in the open, they guided them but let them make thier own mistakes - to an extent. For example, when Jason and I reached sixteen they allowed us to sleep together in the house - we'd been together for three years and my mum said she'd rather we did it in her house than anywhere else . . . they always schooled us about contraception etc. To this day Jason would rather die than disappoint hi parents.

I on the other hand was raised in an extremely strict Catholic house where I was not allowed to do anything. My mother locked me in my room for 24 hours when she found out that I had kissed Jason when I was fourteen. Her house was ruled through fear, not respect - don't drink, don't have sex, don't have drugs. If you do, then you get hit across the face/dragged to the priest/locked in the cellar etc etc. Her doing this to me didn't make me think, okay I won't do it then. It just made me do it all the more and lie to her about it

I don't really know what point I'm trying to make about this, its become a bit angsty But, I always felt happier at Jason's house than mine. They were tolerant with most things and let their boys make their own choices and mistakes. they were always there for them if they did anything wrong - like Lisa said about her family, they knew they weren't perfect. As a result Jason an dhis brothers are so happy with their family and they've all done well with life and are very wel-rounded.

I on the other hand got flung out of the house when my mother found out that I was pregnant at eighteen, I would have gone wild without Jason there to sotp me, am not good with emotion and relationships (on the whole - it really doesn't come naturally) and I am still terrified of my mother. I don't know what the answer is, because clearly my mother's zero-tolerance regime did not have a positive affect, whereas Jason's family seemed to get it much more like it. I'm not comparing anything you lot have said with either of these situations, just explaining what I've experienced. And coming to the conclusion that I'm none the wiser as to what I'd do, and will have to cross that bridge when I come to it!! Urgh I want her to be a toddler for VER!! xx

MommyToAshley replied:
I missed this show, wish I had watched it. It's interesting to hear everyone's point of view based on their own experience as a child. My parents were pretty strict and I lived a pretty sheltered life... I wasn't exposed to friends who were smoking or doing drugs and alcohol until I was around 14 or so, but by then I had made up my mind not to do those things (not even smoke cigarettes). I just wish my parents had talked to me about these issues before I was faced with them. I noticed as my parents got older and had more children, they became more relaxed in their parenting style and my younger siblings got into some trouble. So, I tend to think that I my parenting style will be along the same lines as Jeanie and some of the others. I don't want to be her best friend, I just hope that we can keep the lines of communication open.


It sounds like you acted out as a teenager, but you pulled your act together. Just curious, what do you think made you realize you need to do this? What do you think your parents could have done differently or do you think it would have mattered? I lived such a different lifestyle and I am really interested in your thoughts and opinions.

gr33n3y3z replied: these kids first of all had no respect for themselves or anyone else which i see was the biggest problem with all of them.

Then some of the other kids had underlying problems also

So were not talking about everyday thriving kids here.

The one boy didnt want to take his meds at all.
Yeah the meds do cut down on how much weight you gain bc not much weight is gained being on those meds.
so manybe that what the mother ment by growth

MommyToAshley replied: Ok, you all type too fast... there were about 10 more replies by the time I got done postng.

I have to agree with Mel on the respect issue. I understand the reason for having your child drink or smoke in your house... you think they will be safer iwth you. But, I don't agree with it. The main reason is that if you allow it in your house then you are saying these actions are ok, even if you don't say the words.

Jeanne, I competely understand what you were saying and respect your opinion. But, it is possible to have a child live through the teenage years without trying any of those things. To this day, I still have not tried a cigarette or tried pot or drugs of any kind. I was also a straight A student, and I had friends that did drugs and alcohol, but I made the choice not to do them. (In fact, I was usually responsible and was the designated driver ) I was over legal drinking age when I tried my first alcoholic drink. I have an occasional drink now, but I am not a big drinker. However, I do agree with you on the communication. I couldn't talk to my parents about anything and they sure didn't approach me. They even avoided some topics like it was taboo. I certainly plan to take your advice when it comes to discussing these issues, I hope to be able to openly discuss these things with Ashley. But, in the process, I hope to help her understand why these aren't the best choices.

coasterqueen replied: I'll answer Dee Dee's question because I basically went to hell and back as a teen but later pulled myself together.

How/what made me pull myself together? I found someone who loved me unconditionally and just being out on my own to grow up and not have someone nagging at me 24/7 about I shouldn't do this or that or this was dangerous, etc.

Just because someone has a horrible childhood doesn't mean they won't be successful as an adult. I think I have done even better than my parents are today. The downside is that for me it makes it harder to parent because that part of my parents keeps coming out in me when I parent and I'm trying very hard to kill the beast.

MommyToAshley replied:
Karen, thank you for sharing your story and your experience. First of all, I don't think any less of you because of your childhood... in fact, I respect you even more for the choices that made that brought you to where you are today. And, thank you for having the honesty and courage to share your experience with us. I think we can all learn from it.

I think we all see things in our parents that we don't want to make the same mistakes, mine is communication. Although I have to admit I respect my Mom a lot more now then I did as a teenager. Since I had a different experience then you when it came to rules, I think that kids need a certain amount of guidance and rules until they can understand the consequences of their actions. I don't know what the right combination is, who's parenting style is best, or how much is too strict and how much leadway we should give our children. I suppose, just like the toddler stage, we have to parent how we think is best for our own specific child. None of our toddlers are the same, I doubt they will be as teenagers either.

This has been an interesting conversation... I hope we are still in touch when Ashley is a teenager.

3_call_me_mama replied: When I was a teen ager iwas a lot like dee-dee (From what she' s written) no drugs, drinking or anything illegal. I was the DD for friends and boyfriends, straight A's yada yada.... To this day i have never smoked anything... nor do i plan to. But it didn't make me perfect... i still did things that my parents didn't approve of (dating a guy 16 years older thatn me! - but i was 18 at that point) but I still did all the irritating teenage things... stayed out past cerfew, hung out with trouble makers, etc. But i chose nto to participate in the activities that others were doing.. and it was everywhere. My brothers however, were raised withthe same rules, guidelines, etc as I had and they (3 years older adn 1 year younger) were both drinking, smoking, partying etc. Not sure why.. just a choice on their part. And as I said, we all had the same rules, regs adn guidelines so it wasn't like any of us were alloweed to or not allowed to do things. My parents weren't strict but the set rules, expected them to be followed and that was it. We got grounded and such if they were broken, and there was an unspoken respect that made us not tempt the grounding once it hasd happened.
Long story short.. I think it may not be a parenting issue at all.... it may be a personal inborn issue that each person may or may not have to deal with.. not sure if you could change it either (regardless if you took them to a morgue or anything else.) It very well may be somethng that teens need to go through if they fell they need to and will either grow out of it and learn fromit or not. I really don't think it can be prevented, per say. But you can teach an dpreach all you want and hopefully they will make the right choice. Forcing them to do one thing or not do something coul dbe far worse IMO>

MissyKay2005 replied: I think that this subject could go on forever....lol Very interesting though. Wanted to add that I was also a very trobled youth. I think that parenting is everything when it comes to these situations. I came from a abusive home verbaly and Physicaly. Not that all kids come from that, that are acting up but are obviuosly laking something from the parents when they lash out and do stuff like this in this world. Not every child is the same ether. We all have different needs. There is no human being that is perfect. We all make mistakes. Being a parent is a very tough job. So I am not putting anyone down if they are dealing with a unrulely child. I just simply think that we can take a little from all walks of life and do our best to truley love our kids.
1 corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind
it does not envy, it does not boast
it is not proud
it is not rude, it is not self-seeking
it is not easily angered
it keeps no record of wrongs
love does not rejoice in evil
but rejoices with the truth
it always protects
always trusts
always hopes always perseveres
Love never fails

Mommy2BAK replied: hmm..... can't Blakley just stay a sweet little girl forever?

Mommy2BAK replied:
Ya know... I am having a hard time believing that a child is open enough to tell their parents everything. I am 20 and my mom and I are very close, we can talk about sex and anything else while having a drink, but I still to this day would NEVER admit to her that I have smoked weed (only once, but still) she has asked me numerous times if i have ever even tried it and she tells me her exerpeinces growing up in the 70's and experiementing, but it's just a respect factor, I would feel like I have disrepected her if I tell her that I have.

Maybe your kids do tell you everything, but I just find that hard to believe that ANYONE would.

My2Beauties replied: Wow I found myself really like nodding my head and shaking my head and being so deep into this thread that when my phone rang at work it startled me

Here is my stance on it. You have to cross that bridge when you come to it. By saying that I mean it depends on the child. I know that respect, responsibility, values, norms, etc are taught from a very young age and that is important. My kids (stepkids included) will follow my rules while they are at home and if they don't then yeah I'm gonna get mad and there will be consequences, but I'm not going to be this *I am the ruler of the roost, what I say goes because I am always right* as a parent we all make mistakes, I will be open to admitting my mistakes and I want my children to be able to tal kto me about anything. Desiree already does, she talks about menstruation, boys, teenagers having babies, etc I am very open with her and want her to come to me with any questions she has. But some kids can have the best of upbringings and still get with the wrong crowd.

I guess I am in the middle ground like Jeanne and Karen. I will never ever supply my kids with any type of drugs or alcohol (I don't even do them myself anyways, well I drink occasionally when I go out but never at home) whatsoever and I won't condone it being done in my house. I don't believe that kids won't do it out if you let them do it at home - I honestly don't! I want to let them know that there are consequences to every action - good and bad. I don't want to be too strict on my kids for fear of them rebelling, hating me, not respecting me, fearing me, etc....I can't stand parents who shelter their kids. It's so sad. I had a lot of friends who were really sheltered and are still messed up to this day, I had other friends whose parents were too lenient and they ended up the same way, so you do need a happy medium.

I wasn't a BAD BAD kid, but I wasn't the best kid neither. I did stuff that my mom would crap if she knew I did and especially my dad! Whew! But I was also good in the sense that, I made decent grades, I never got kicked out of school, etc... I graduated, went onto college. I could be disrespectful and a smartmouth at times, I snuck out of my house (I don't care what you do your kids can find a way to sneak out ), I dabbled with pot and alcohol, I had sex when I was 14 yes 14! It wasn't the old Oh I'm looking for a father figure type deal neither, or I wanted attention. I had no problem getting attention and my father was very much a part of my life, I just did it because *other girls were!* and boys are very very manipulative (well not all of them but the horny ones are) So yeah I got the ol' I will be with you forever routine, then the guy turned into an a$$hole and we broke-up a week after "it" happened. I felt awful. I never told my mom when I had sex for the first time because I didn't want to dissapoint her! She was open too, that is where one person's comment comes to mind, you can be as open as you'd like with your kids, my mom woul dhave never scolded me for having sex or grounded me or anything, but I know she would have been dissapointed so I let it be, she doesn't know to this day.

So I know my whole speel here didn't really make a whole lot of sense probably, but I think you have to wait to see how your kid reacts to certain situation and act accordingly, not all kids are going to react well to stiff punishments and hard core discipline, some kids will thrive from that - so it just depends!

jcc64 replied: OK, let's see. How can I say this without it coming out the wrong way?
First of all, I would imagine if someone asked my mother if had an open and honest line of communication going when I was a teen-ager, I'm certain she would have said yes. In fact, many years after the fact, we do talk about what I was doing behind her back, and she admitted she had no clue whatsover. And believe me, my mom was in no way hiding under a rock. So I do believe it is possible to have a great relationship with your teenager, and still be unaware of each and every one of their activities when they are away from you.
I also believe it is necessary for kids to push against our boundaries in an effort to set their own moral compass. I have to be honest here. I don't regret some of the experiences I had as a teen-ager. I learned alot about myself and relationships with others. About what my limits are. And truthfully, I had ALOT of fun doing it. I'm sure my parents would have preferred that I abstained from some of these activities. But I lived to tell about it, and had a great time in the process.
And now here I am, an ultra responsible working mom of 3, living a healthy and respectable life. I think in the end my parents did a great job bolstering my self esteem and instilling a sense of responsibility and respect so that I was able to enjoy myself, but never felt the need to cross the line into self destruction. Now if I could only figure out how they did that.

coasterqueen replied:
I agree. AGAIN.

I don't regret most of my teen year activities. I actually get a chuckle looking back on them. There are only a few minor ones that will haunt me for life, but what can one say. I learned dearly from all of them, especially the horrible ones and it has made me a better person.

redchief replied: Let me see how I can do this so you'll understand our relationship with our kids.

First... We know where all four of them are right this minute and what they're doing. That wouldn't be so special except that I could say that at anytime at all.

Second... The eldest is a jock. Always has been, always will be at least at heart. He truly believes that putting illicit drugs in his body is, in essence, poisoning himself. The second son is an academic; a "goodie two-shoes" as it were. I'm proud of him. The world needs more like him though he takes a lot of heat for it sometimes. Erin is another that believes illicit drugs are poison. Kaitlin hasn't shown any tendencies toward drugs or anything like that and she's sort of a homebody.

Does that mean our kids will never experiment? No, not at all. I don't believe the eldest son and daughter will. John's going off to college in September and with it comes all the fears that parents go through about their relationships, what they will choose to do for a good time, peer pressure, and so on. I also fear for Kaitlin. The crap is getting easier and easier to get around here. I just hope she continues to have good enough sense to stay away from it. If I feel, even for a second, that any of my kids are getting into that, I will intervene with everything I've got.

moped replied: Oooooo you guys are tempting me but I just can't!!!

LOL