Brad's girlfriend - I need opinions

luvbug00 wrote: Ok so this girl I'll call her tabs, that is what i call her other then umpa lumpa. anyway She is 28 ( i think) and has a 8 year old son. ( not much known about him i call him kid) so anyway to start Brad HATES children. All children except mya and isn't the best with them. which makes this whole thing just wierd. So anyway he likes tabs ( whom i suspect had foul play in the wedding being called off, he claims she has been in the dark until he recently informed her.)
he hangs out with her ehh every once and a while. they have known eachother as more then friends for ohh i wanna say 3 weeks maybe a month. MAYBE. Anyway she was pressuring him 3 days after we seperated to call her his girlfriend and vice virsa. her sister leaves the most pretencious mesages on his myspace both thease things send up a red flag for me. especially since she had the kid and when he gets involved in that manner then that includes the kid. anyway he went over once ( not knowing) the kid was awake. This to me is ULTIMATE distrespect to the kid and shows me that after like 3 dates she brings men home to the poor kid. IMO No es bueno! anyway so basically i don't trust her arround Mya and i think she is bad news. Brad thinks i'm being over dramatic and stuff but to me the whole thing smells rotton. how the devil do i tell him all this as i see this not being the best situation for mya???

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: Hmmm, seems fishy to me too...doesn't look like a good situation AT ALL imho. I would say exactly what you said in your last sentence. Just flat out tell him that it wouldn't be the best situation for Mya. He should respect that. I mean FCS, he hasn't known this woman all that long...he wouldn't want you bringing Mya over to some guy's house you just met, would he? I would point that out and just say that you both should have an agreement that neither one of you will do this until you have known or been together with your SO/BF/GF for more than a year. That's what I would do, but it's a tough one. Good luck sweetie!

CantWait replied: Tough situation indeed Nadia. I'm in agreement, no one meets the kids until a long time has passed, but unless both parents are in agreement it's going to be hard to work out.

I've watched to many of my mom's bf's when I was a child come in and out of my life with their addictions. Not a great situation, and not something I'm sure my mom knew about until they were already situated and moved in.

I hope you can get this settled with Brad.

redchief replied: Nadia, I understand your concern for Mya and everything, but other than that I really don't see why you're so concerned, other than being a good, I don't know what to call the relationship now... ex-mate? IMO, if you push your opinion too strenuously, it'll backfire on you. Does it sound fishy? Yep. But if you step away from the boat you won't be able to smell the stinky fish. So long as Brad "cleans the fishy smell" off his hands before he comes over, it shouldn't offend you or Mya. I'd make it clear that you are not ready to explain an affair in Mya's presence at this point. I know this isn't really what you wanted to see, but this is what my gut is telling me.

C&K*s Mommie replied: In other words, Ed hit my opinion on the head.
His point was short and to the point, and I fully agree.

Brad is free to make his own decisions, and while it may not be ideal for you to have "Tab" around Mya- he is free now to make that decision on his own.

I would still have a talk with him to express your feelings towards that and to reiterate the verbal agreement you had about not bringing others into Mya's life early on if you two ever split, but in the end he is free to make that choice.

gr33n3y3z replied: I agree with Ed

luvmykids replied: I could be wrong but it seems like I remember you saying that you both agreed previously not to introduce Mya to "partners" unless you'd been seeing them a year, do I have you confused with someone else? I think that is a long time but I do think you guys should agree to a certain amount of time, just to save this argument from happening over and over and over

TANNER'S MOM replied: Okay, I have lots of experience in this because I am divorced and remarried. I have a step daughter and her mother is also remarried.

First from my point of view. If you are truly over him.. which in time you will be. You won't care then. I mean at first it stung and it was awful. At first I hated the first woman he dated. I found so many faults with her, but in all honesty I just wasn't over him. After a while when I started to heal, I began to realize I still loved him but not in the the IN love way. To this day I love my exhusband for all that we had, for the person he is, for the father he is, but not for my love. So, now I feel like whatever makes him happy. I don't care who he is with, I trust his judgement with our children. I mean he is there FATHER..and I believe he would do right until he or a woman in his life proves me different then all heck will break loose. I always say and I mean this, I don't care who he is with as long as she is good to my kids. If she is good to my kids and doesn't try to step into my roll we are good. My ex has been dating this woman who is young but not what I would call intelligent. But I have always made her a part of decisions on a certain level. I have tried to make her feel comfortable and to know that I am in no way a threat to her b/c it must be hard for her too. She told me that at first she was uncomfortable around me.. with so much history that she couldn't compete. But You know I try to make her apart of stuff. If I have a travial decision like do you want me to be there at 6 or 7 to pick up the kids I ask her. If it's a decision important about School, money, cars we all discuss it but their Dad and I have the finally decision which is what I want. I mean this has worked best for me. I hate complicated lives and this has really made mine better. And easier on my kids.

I think everyone has a right to happiness. I think you have to do what's right for Mya but you have to decide that with Brad b/c he still has a role. You have to make this about Mya and even though it hurts you have to get to a place where all you want his happiness and for Mya to be comfortable. Now that my ex has been in a relationship for years I am thankful that my kids have her when they are at there dads.. I am not saying she doesn't P me off cause she has.. but I try to let it blow over and just fight about the big stuff.

Randy's ex wife tried to be the one calling the shots. She wanted to make RULES about Tiffany being around me. SHe didn't want her ALONE with me blah blah.. But I realize that she was just hurt and scared too. It's hard for another woman to see someone else in her role. It took years for to get over her hurt and to be honest it only hurt Tiffany b/c Tiffany felt like she was betraying her Mother to love me. Which is sad, b/c I had something to offer Tiffany too. I can remember once Tiffany had a coloring book, and she asked me to sit and color wiht her. I did.. I colored one page and she colored the other. I guess Tiffany took the coloring book home that weekend and the next time I picked her up her Mom handed me the book and said there is a note in it for you. The note said this is TIFFANYS Book her dad bought her.. can you not leave it alone and can you not let her have anything. Now that note hurt me b/c I was being a good momma and spending time with her.. but I realized that Terri her mom was just to raw.. and I let it go.

Her Mom tried to lay down the law and make the rules for years and we ended up taking her to court. The court explained that her father has a right to his life and that I am a parent in that family. He explained that we weren't doing a justice to Tiffany. He was right and I was allowed to be the pick up person for her and then life started changing. I am the person she calls now when she needs something, I am the go to person. I told her Mom once and it's very true, who do you think takes care of her? Who wipes her butt, her gives her a bath, cooks and cleans for her, I Do.. just liek she is mine. I love her just liek she is mine. My life would be less than it is right now if I hadnt had the chance to love her and be loved by her.

I mean the bitterness just hurts the child. It's hard to not be bitter. There are times when My children have hurt my feelings, Maybe called me Monica instead of Mom after going to their Dads.. but htey are kids. And I figure that until something happens to prove otherwise I will trust the man I loved enough to marry and have children with.

This took a lot of years but just think about what I am saying. It's hard and I don't think children should met every DATE a person has.. but then again you have to work this out with your baby's daddy and you have to be adults about it because of the children.

I hope you find the peace that I have with this. B/c it's hard to do at first. It's hard to know you someone else is babying your baby.. So I understand completely.

mummy2girls replied: i agree with mel

At first when aron told me he had a GF I was hurt at first and i was scared because i didnt know how this all would play out. but i wanted the situation to be a civil one for jenna. Im now am fine with aron being with his GF and her being a part of his life.i dont love aron anymore like a BF but i love him because he is my daughters dad.. I know aron is the dad and he has to move on and i know he would end up with someone. And as much of a butt he is too me i know he loves Jenna ( even though i wonder sometimes..LOL) and would never put her in harms way. and he knows that as long as she is good with jenna and respects the fact im jenna mom and doeant try to take the role of mom then all will be fine! and if she starts being nasty to me when we do finally come face to face then she will know that is not tolerated.

I feel like a heel from reading to introduce jenna to marcus so soon.. but i felt ok with it as did aron... so i feel it was teh good choice. But with everyone its diff. My sister was married 3 times( well she is going to be married for the 3rd time in jan) and my niece had so many guys and step dads enter and leave in her life and she is having alot of problems right now. So personally you need to do it the way youa re comfy with. BUT you and brad need to sit down ALONE with no SO's on both sides and just come to an aggreement. And let each other know how you feel and for Mya you need to do this. i did with aron and will still do it on occasion because we will always be a part of each others lives because of jenna.

TANNER'S MOM replied: I agree it's hard to decide when is a good time. But I will say for me it depended on the person. No my kids didn't met everyone. I had a few I wish they had NEVER met.. but I think our kids need to know what the person is like too. I mean we are all out there trying to find our love.. and what if we date them for a year..and then they meet our children and they don't click? What we date for a year and they realize that when the kids come into the deal.. we don't click anymore.

I think once you realize this is someone you are going to date exclusively it's different. It's time to respectful meet. You know Mom's friend is taking us out to dinner type thing. He is just a friend that mom talks too. Kids are smart and to be honest you need to know if you can think of this person as a family member wiht your child. If not.. then why bother.

Once you have kids you are just looking for you and someone who does it for you, my not the kind of friend your child needs so it's best to figure that out in a reasoanable time and not to go over board when you do it.

Thats just my idea and believe me I made some mistakes when I was single.. and involving my children. But you know at least I tried and as parents thats all we can do is try.

mummy2girls replied: plus my situation is a little diff because me and aron never lived together so jenna never seen that and then had to comes to terms we werent anymore.

But i agree mel... you just never know the relationship... Jenna knows that marcus is only mommy's friend and thats it. I wont even allow marcus to kiss me in front of jenna. that is done when jenna is in bed sleeping....

luvbug00 replied: Thank you Mel and Shelly for sharring your stories. I really appricate and respect your advice. I guess I was just nurvous about the whole thing. Not only for mya but for Brad. the whole thing just doesn't make since to me which may be why i've had such a hard time excepting it. But i gotta let go sometime right? anyway thanks again. and we decided to wait until they are serious and then i met her first before mya does.

mummy2girls replied:
good odea about you meeting her first. Its hard Nadia though because you guys will always be a part of each other lives and have a bond because of Mya. It will eb hard at first but you will get used to the fact...