Book review - "how to say no to your toddler"

Schnoogly wrote: As promised, I am posting what I learned from one of the books on discipline I ordered. This book is called How to say no to your toddler by William Willkof. Here it ishttp://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detai...=books&n=507846

The book outlines a program of setting limits, setting consequences, and following through with them in order to shape your toddler's behavior. He says that safety is the main concern, and that parents should pick what behaviors they want to change instead of over-restricting their behavior. You can't make them perfectly behaved, they're toddlers! So he asks parents to make a top ten list of specific behaviors they want to change. Like, refuses to take a nap, always plays with the vcr, runs out in the street, etc. I liked this part because it helped me see that he isn't badly behaved ALL the time, he just does some things that drive me nuts.

So far, so good. He says that when the toddler does the activity you want to change, redirection should always be the first thing you try. If redirection works, great. But on most toddlers, it doesn't work most of the time. He says you have to tell them "no, we don't play with cords" and the reason why, but not to try to over-reason with them. But the only consequence he really outlines in the book is time-out, preferably in the child's room with the door closed. He says 1 minute of time out for every year of age. And the time out doesn't start until the child is quiet (or not screaming at least). This is where I have a problem with the book--it says it is for 9 months-3 years but there is no way you can give a 9 month old a time out!! That is just cruel. I don't think they really work with kids under 2, maybe some 18-24 month olds. But under 18 months, forget it!

He spends a lot of time talking about why misbehavior occurs and says it is usually because kids are overtired. Duh!!! He offers a rather simplistic (and ferber-ized) solution to solving sleep problems, and doesn't really take into account nursing toddlers or co-sleeping and is pretty dismissive of attachment parenting.

The reasoning behind this book is sound I think, but it is too rigid for most people to use especially with younger toddlers. 2-3 year olds with verbal capacity, maybe.

kit_kats_mom replied: RE: the time outs with toddlers. I've been listening to John Grays "Children are from Heaven" on audio book. I'll need to re-listen to it because I only really get to listen to it when I'm nursing K to sleep so it's in bits and pieces in my brain. However, one thing I do remember him talking about was time outs. He agrees with the 1 min per year of age and he agrees that putting them in their room with the door closed is the thing to do. However, he says that toddlers sometimes just have too many emotions all at once and the point of a time out is to let them scream their little heads off and blow off some of that steam. Once the time out is over, hug the child, reassure him/her that they are loved and good but explain why they were put in time out in simplistic terms. Then continue on like the event didn't happen.

I tried this with K last week when she was being especially irritating and it seemed to work. Although I think that part of it was the fact that she was so happy to see me after the time out that she was quite calm and huggable.

kimberley replied: you should do reviews for a living! lol

it would definitely not be a book i would read now. it seems like the book just states the obvious and anyone who says you can give a 9mo a time out is nuts imho! the only part i agree with is choosing your battles with kids. of the 100 things that make you nuts, not all of them are dangerous, just annoying and we gotta learn to live with it to a degree.

thanks for the info!

jem0622 replied: We used redirection for Nathan when he was young. Sat him down with a puzzle, dry beans/rice/etc in a container with a dixie cup. Nowadays he and Gabe like to play Play-Doh together. Helps quiet them down for a bit.

Also, there is a book called 1-2-3 Magic. VERY good book. Works very well for Nathan now that he understands more.

BTW, time outs really don't work for us. I wouldn't even begin to use that with Gabe until he is older. My pediatrician doesn't think it's effective until they are at least 3 or beyond that. And Nathan is far more affected if he is sent to his room at this stage than sitting in a time out chair.

Schnoogly replied:
Thanks! Actually I have published some in journals (academic books). And I do a workshop for students on how to write book reviews. There's a formula to use that makes it easy.

Also, on the tantrums, he does say that sometimes you have to do the "big hug" strategy if they just won't calm down. Don't talk, don't argue, just hold them calmly until they get it all out. I definitely agree with this one

He spends about 2.5 pages on the "velcro toddler" which I definitely have! But he mostly says that you need to give them "convenience" time outs when you just have to do something like talk on the phone for 3 minutes. But this seems like it wouldn't work--how would they know why they were in time out, especially young toddlers? Wouldn't separating them when it's clear they need attention and parent contact just make it worse?

I have heard about that 123 magic book and intend to check it out!

Maddie&EthansMom replied:

ITA....you have to pick your battles. At this point it is really hard, but it works. Things will work out and you will find the correct way to discipline him. Iain is at a really hard age right now. Every child takes on to a different form of discipline. Keep trying different things. So far you are doing great. He isn't bad...he's just a toddler. Trust me he is so smart and it really is showing by his actions now. Maddie used to drive me up the wall and when I look back, knowing her personality now, I can see how she was just trying to express herself. I think you are so exhausted and never get the break you need. That makes things so much harder and it makes it harder for you to appreciate and love your child's individuality.

paradisemommy replied: I just wanna say you are da bomb great review and I didn't even have to pick up the book! Keep em coming!! Oh yeah and thanks for the info. this is great!!

kimberley replied:
unfortunately this didn't work with us. ever see that TV movie called "Child of Rage"? that was James when he was a toddler. he had night terrors, he was violent and if you tried to hug or hold him to calm down he would beat you with his little fists, kicking and biting until you let him go then he would trash his room. i can't tell you how many outside people (family, friends and daycare) stepped in to help me and ended up leaving ready to kill him. there was no talking to him at all. it just took time with him. it is only the past year i can use time out or holding successfully and he will actually talk to me now. Jacob suffered a lot of emotional trauma because of his little brother and i think he is more sensitive because of it. i wish i had the support of you ladies back then.

A&A'smommy replied: wow great information ladies!!! IM SO NERVOUS about toddlerhood so i need to get a book now so i have some perspective. I wish i knew some of these things when i was babysitting my loud nephew (loud isnt even the right word)

DansMom replied: Thanks for the review!

Dr. Sears has something called the Discipline Book. I own it but haven't had a chance to read it yet---has anyone read it?

Schnoogly replied: Well I am sending this book back and exchanging it for the discipline book...so I'll let you know LOL!

coasterqueen replied: Thanks for the review. Don't think I would read it since it doesn't take into account attachment parenting

Do any of you get the magazine Mothering? I read an excellent article in there about knowing WHEN to let baby cry so they can get their emotions out vs. CIO. And I read another great article on why baby is the way he/she is and it did talk alot about what mother is experiencing during pg that affects baby. Great. Now I know why Kylie is the way she is

natjasem replied: I went ahead and ordered that book, and also Common Sense of Parenting Toddlers and Preschoolers. I figured the more advice I get, the better. I think the next couple of years are so detrimental as far as good parenting, I really want to get it right if I can.