Big conflict... - about Emma's Birthday.

pinka_star wrote: Ok, so my Family lives in Utah, and DH, Emma and I live in Colorado. My family HATES DH. I don't know why they do, he's a wonderful guy and he treats Emma and I great. But they hate any guy I have dated in the past, so I think in their minds no man is "good" enough for me. It's ridiculous though, and I'm tired of trying to please everyone... DH and I are married and have a family now, I think they need to get over whatever problem they have of him. (Of course I can't say this to them, cause I'm a wuss.)

Anyways, about Emma's Birthday my Mother really wants me to have Emma's Birthday in Utah, and of course Dustin wants to be there but my family doesn't want him around. So I don't know what to do. I told my Mom I would come to Utah the day after Emma's Birthday (which is a Saturday) and stay a week or so. But she insists that I be there on her Birthday, or else I would cause a war. I love my Mom SO much, but sometimes she just irritates me. This has gone on for almost 2 years now, and I'm just getting so tired of it. I struggle every Holiday because my Mom wants to see Emma and I, and DH and his Family wants to be with us also. I wish my Family would just grow up. Dustin doesn't have ANY problems with my Family. I've told my Mom several times that we all just need to sit down and talk like adults and get everything out and settle this. She doesn't want to hear it though.

I don't know what to do anymore. Soon I won't have enough strength to keep this up. I just want my family and DH's family to ALL get along. Wouldn't that be great? *sigh* I think I just need to stick up to my Family, but it's easier said then done. Any advice?!?!

kimberley replied: have you ever directly asked your mom what her problem is with DH? i really think you need to sit down and have a talk with her about it because, whether she likes it or not, DH is now family and she needs to acknowledge that. if i were you, i would nip this in the bud before your 10yo daughter comes home from Grandma's bad talking daddy. i know it is your family and it is hard, but you have to consider DH's feelings too. this can't go on because him and Emma are your family and he shouldn't be left out. i know if it were me, and one of my family members opposed seeing Jamie, they wouldn't be seeing me or the kids either. i hope you decide to talk to your family about it. good luck and lots of ~~~courage & be strong~~~ vibes!

jem0622 replied: You should sit down and talk with your Mom.

On the birthday front. When you married DH...he came first. Nothing more to say there. Now that you have your sweet pea she comes before anyone. You have a family now. A DH and a daughter. Do what you want to do. Not things to please other people. Mom's are great at guilt trips. I wouldn't truck my child from CO to UT to satisfy my mother. No way. That is just me. And you were just there for two weeks. A little less about Mom, a little more about other people please.

Your mother needs to come clean on what her problem is. If you didn't feel that your DH was a good person then you wouldn't be sitting and wondering where she is coming from.

HUGS to you

beckamouse replied: if i were you i'd say well hey mom i love you and everyone else but me the child and my husband come as a package and until you can give me valid reason as to why you don't like him and i mean really valid like he has a criminal history giving drugs to kids or something you're going to have to get over him being with me when i visit. this family package does not come in pieces to suit everyones needs.


then again i'm a cocky brat and i'd tell anyone off in a heartbeat when they act immature (no offence but your mom is acting a little silly) anyway *hugs* sweetie and goodluck

coasterqueen replied: Well personally if your mother thinks Emma's birthday is that important she would come to your family in CO to be there for Emma. A lot less people and luggage if they come to you, IMO.

As far as causing a war, I would tell your mother she's the one causing the war by being this way! Grrrrr.

IMO, I hate to say it, and it's easier said than done. You need to be firm, tell your mother EXACTLY how you feel and show her that your family and what's important to you comes first.

Maybe she does what she does because she knows you won't give her crap about it, kwim?

((HUGS))

pinka_star replied: Thanks everyone... I'm not sure what my Mom's problem is with Dustin. He's a WONDERFUL Father, and Husband. He adores Emma and I. And he tries really hard to get along with my Mother. (My Brother won't even talk to him at ALL.)

I try really hard to talk to her, but when I do, it's like it's going in one ear and out the other. She only hears what she wants to. I don't want to have to say "Stop being immature or you won't see Emma and I." because my two Sister's have already done that to her. I know how important Emma is to her. Emma is pretty much the only Grand Daughter she see's on a some what regular bases. But what she is doing is not fair to me OR Emma. I don't want her getting older (like Kimberley said) and coming home from Grandma's and talking badly about her Daddy.

It's just so frustrating, I guess I just need to try talking with her again, and hope she actually hears it this time. Thanks for the advice everyone!! *hugs*

jem0622 replied: Sounds like your sister's have already decided that they cannot tolerate that behavior. Maybe if you can talk with your Mom and work it through then she might see how her behavior is poisoning her relationships.

HUGS

pinka_star replied:
My Sister's are about 15 years older than me so I really don't remember how my Mom acted when they got married and had children. All I hear about my Sister's not talking to my Mom is because they're immature, spoiled kids.

Don't get me wrong though, my Mom is a great Mother. I'm making her sound like she's this aweful thing. Really she's not... she just doesn't deal with things very well. She has this huge fear of being alone when she's old. But I think she's slowly making her fear a reality. Not because we want to, but because she's slowly pushing us away with her actions. Bleh, I don't know.

I'll really try talking with her, and I'll let you guys know how it goes. *crosses fingers*

kimberley replied: sweetie, there comes a point in time in your life when you just have to stand up for what you believe is right no matter how it affects others. Emma and Dustin come first now. look at how this is affecting you and will effect your daughter and husband! your mom and brother don't seem too concerned about your feelings, so don't let guilt stop you from doing what you know is right in the long run. i know you feel bad that your sisters have given up on your mom, but obviously there are some valid reasons there. maybe another ultimatum will wake her up and realize she is going to be a very lonely person if she doesn't learn to be more accepting. jmo.

((((hugs))))

Elle replied: Gosh, I'm so sorry... That must be hard to cope with!

What your family is doing is not fair, and they should accept the fact that you have a family, and that if they want to be with Emma on her birthday then they'll have to see her father too (what do they pretend, the dad not being with his DD on her birthday? That's just nuts).

If this same thing happened to your sisters, then it's obvious where the problem comes from... I know it's hard, but you should ask her directly "What's your problem with DH?" And if she doesn't give you a valid answer (or at least an answer) then, I'm sorry to say this, but you'll have to be strong and tell her you won't go to her house on Emma's birthday unless she accepts that your DH is the person you chose to have a family with, and that's it. Maybe you should also make her see why her other daughters won't talk to her anymore...

Keep us updated on what happens...

CantWait replied: ITA with everyone else. Good Luck

pinka_star replied: Thank you SO much everyone. It really helps a lot to have support. I don't think I would have had enough courage to stand up to my Mom without everyone here!

It'll be tough, but I hope she listens to me.

amynicole21 replied: I agree with everyone else. This is your Mom's problem, not yours. Another point you could make is that she is not being fair to Emma. Why should she have to be away from her father on her birthday?? He is by far more important to her than her grandmother is at this age. She is being incredibly selfish in my opinion.

A&A'smommy replied: (((BIG HUGS))) I'm SO sorry your having to go through this! Please let us know how it goes. I'm not giving any advice because it looks like you already got a LOT of great advice. Good Luck Sweetie!

Lily replied: First I must give you ***HUGS***! Your mom is putting you in a very hard and unnecessary position. You really need to put your foot down. I know how hard it is to do that. I have a similiar problem saying things to my mom. I'll get all ready to say whatever and then I just crumble when it comes down to it. You really need to say something though. This will eventually cause problems between you and your dh. He needs to know that he comes before your mom and other family. He's your dh and that's how it should be. I personally think what your mom is doing is very selfish. Maybe she doesn't realize just how selfish it is. I'm sure you love her and I'm sure she's a good mom but you don't need this kind of stress in your life. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. And remember, this is YOUR life. Not your moms. And this is your dh that will be hurt.