Barb

mckayleesmom wrote: I don't mean to be telling you what to do or anything like that, but my heart just breaks for the way your daughter is treating you. I know you are excited about this baby and your first instinct is to buy tons of stuff for your grandbaby, but why would you do that when shes treating you guys like dirt? If you keep doing things for her...she is just going to take and take and take and never give you guys the respect you deserve. Like her saying that you never call her....stop calling. Why should you always be the one that calls? Maybe if you actually do stop calling she will realize what shes doing. Right now she is 18 and thinks she is holding the cards. Thats not right. It seems to me that she is only using you guys when she needs something and its convenient for her to get something from you.


Little story. Dh's younger sister was 16 when she got pregnant with Desi...She decided to keep Desi despite that my inlaws didn't want her to. After she had Desi she refused to get a job, refused to go on welfare (she didn't want to be on welfare), but she didn't mind mooching off my inlaws...They paid for everything when it came to Desi. She took and took and took. My mil finally asked me what she was doing wrong and I told her. See those 200 dollar shoes you bought her the other day? See the name brand clothes that she is wearing? STOP IT. Stop buying her stuff and giving her things. If you keep doing it, she doesn't have a reason to get a job or take care of her child. They stopped and she finally went on welfare and went back to school to take care of her daughter.

I know this is a little different scenerio, but all in all it sounds like you guys are letting her take and take with nothing in return, not even respect. Tough love sometimes goes a long way. I know she isn't living with you guys, but she is taking from you emotionally. Maybe instead of trying so desperately to hold on, you need to back up a few steps. Maybe she doesn't see how much she needs you guys because you are always there....Maybe she needs a reality check.

Sorry if I overstepped my bounds, but that is just what I would personally do. Respect is a 2 way street. Maybe if you took away your respect she would realize how much she needs it.

1lilpeanut2love replied:

Brianne you seem like a very smart girl! You always know the right things to say!!

mckayleesmom replied:
Thanks....My mom is a firm believer in Tough Love....never had to use it on me, but my brothers and sisters have gotten some doses.....And they always come back to my mom....so it works sometimes.

Edward's Mommy replied: I agree with you Brianne! Well said!

Bee_Kay replied: Brianne-

You didn't overstep any bounds with me.... I appreciate honest advice I really do.

This has been such a rollercoaster. I don't plan on buying anything really, I just enjoy looking..... maybe I miss having a baby?

I have been trying so hard to just let her go. It's been over a month since I've spoken to her and it does break my heart when there are milestones reached in this pregnancy and I am left on the sidelines.

I asked my husband why it bothers me so much and why I cry about it..... his answer was "Because you know that, rightfully, you and your feelings should be on a pedestal because of what she is going through (pregnant) and she isn't allowing you that part of being a mother" Something like that. And he iscompletely right.

I guess I have to allow her to come to me.... easier said than done. One thing I plan on doing is making this little girl a baby quilt from me. So, I figure that is OK since its for the baby and not for my SD.

Thank you so much Brianne. I really appreciate it.

C&K*s Mommie replied: hugs all around, Barb

mckayleesmom replied:
Your welcome sweetie....Don't worry...she will come back to you because no matter how strong and stubborn she can be....Girls and even woman, still need their mothers.

I can tell you from experience that when I had my babies...the one thing I would change if I could is having my mom there.....She couldn't take the time off work till after the kids were born.....

Maybe that is what she needs....maybe once she is in labor she will realize how much she truly needs her mom. I hope it doesn't take her that long though.

JAYMESMOM replied: Make the blanket and another thing you can do for the baby is start a journal about how you are excited about her birth. Make an entry every day and maybe include things going on in the world. This is something you can continue even after she is born and maybe on her 16th birthday or when your granddaughter marries you can give it to her. It will help you also.

holley79 replied: to you sweetie.

Bee_Kay replied: I think that, with me, what hurts is that I feel so replacable. After all these years, after all the love, time, effort and energy, I am simply dismissed.

It is the BF mother that sees her growing tummy everyday and it is BF mom that heard it right from my SD mouth that she was pregnant and now, that she is having a girl.

Maybe I have to realize that maybe my SD is simply a user. She is, after all, using my MIL. SD has always HATED her grandmother, except when she wanted something and my MIL handed it right over. She has, now, also latched onto her.

Bee_Kay replied: Reading over my last reply got me thinking.

I didn't realize this until I read my own words, but I am incredibly jealous of those that are involved with her pregnancy.

luvmykids replied: I think everything you're feeling right now is normal and totally fine, I know I would be feeling a lot of the same things you are.

mckayleesmom replied:
Naturally....and you have every right to be angry and jealous...Your being left out. I know it hurts so much, but its only going to hurt worse of you keep letting her do it. One day she will wake up and think "gee, I wonder why my parents haven't called me in so long?" and then she will realize "maybe because I was so horrible to them".

Right now she can care less because she knows that you guys will be there no matter what...But what happens if she thinks that maybe you won't? Maybe that will make her grow up.

My sister pulls this stuff with my mom every couple months.....and as much as it hurts my mom....she gets stubborn right back and she will be damned if she calls my sister first....and guess who always ends up needing who?

My mom doesn't call her during that time, but she calls me and is usually upset, but she won't let my sister see it...Now way. My mom always says she is upset that she is gone and I always tell her "mom, just leave her be, she always comes back"....."she always comes back because as soon as she pulls her head out of her rear...she realizes who actually cares for her no matter what". ....

I know this sounds horrible, but maybe whe she has her baby shower and none of her family shows up, or she goes in labor and her family doesn't visit....Maybe then she will realize what truly matters and that she is being pig headed. I know you want to blame alot of this on the boyfriend...and Im sure he is alot to blame...But lets face it...a month without a phone call from her mom would at least make her realize what is going on or pick up the phone herself.

mckayleesmom replied: And the next time she asks you or a sibling if you are ignoring her...have them ask her this "You actually expect her to call after what you are putting her through?".............

Bee_Kay replied: I know... I find it way to easy to throw alot of blame on the BF. I guess his only fault in all of this is his influence. Ultimately, the decisions come down to her, and only her.

mckayleesmom replied: Per Chance....does she still have most of her stuff at your house? And does she share a room with your other daughter? Maybe you can pack it up and call her and tell her to come pick it up...you need to make room for the new game room your turning her room into......

Maybe then she will realize that life is moving on without her at your house and make her a little jealous and perhaps call...

Its a cheap shot....but it might work.

Bee_Kay replied:
Been there, done that.

Shortly after she moved out, I packed up all her things and my DH called and told her to come pick up her things because we needed the room for Tylers TV, computer, xbox, ps2, ect.

The only stuff that is here of hers are some maternity clothes that I bought her in February.