Anyone familiar with - intervention?

mysweetpeasWil&Wes wrote: My cousin is not doing well. She is 37 years old and has a substance abuse problem and is seriously on the verge of a nervous breakdown. She has always been my "crazy" cousin, but also the family celeb, where my grandparents and her family always bragged about how special she is (she's the oldest cousin). I always looked upto her, until now. Well now her life is crashing in on her - she has made some really bad choices. She is married with one 3 year old DD, but she has refused to give up the party lifestyle and be a responsible parent. Picture Britney Spears in many ways - chooses a party over a family gathering (seriously) and I have seen her and her husband and their friends do drugs around children. But in her defense, she has been layed up in bed for the last year from a back injury. She is a VERY active person, so I know this isn't easy for her, but it has thrown her off the deep end. So she started taking anti-depressants, but they were making her worse...Suicidal, manic depressive, the works. Wouldn't even get out of bed or leave the house OR clean the house, which is sad for her DD. She tried different meds, but from what I've heard (I only hear it through my mom), she is now on nothing. SO instead, she turned to drinking heavily and maybe other drugs, not sure. Drinking throughout the day while her DD is home with her. So long story short, my aunt and uncle want to do an intervention....

My question is, since she is a 37 year old adult, can her parents legally make her go to rehab? What happens to her daughter? Of course our family, my mom, will watch her daughter, since my aunt works FT, but would that be considered kidnapping if my cousin objects? My cousin's husband isn't completely on board either, total denial, so what happens when your spouse isn't on the family's side?

My family is NOT the confrontational, talk about your feelings type AT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL! So this is HUGE. Any advice would be appreciated.

MommyToAshley replied: I am glad the family cares enough to step in, but I don't know the legalities. I wonder if they should consult with a lawyer or a person at the rehab center... especially if the husband is not on board. I would think that the husband would have to give the family permission to watch the child unless they have some sort of court order. What a mess... I hope she gets her act together for the sake of the child.

grapfruit replied: First Drug addiction is hard to live w/. Especially when you're on the outside wondering how to help.

I looked into this when I was thinking about it for my mom.

I've learned a few things:

1) No matter how much "help" and "support" you give her, she'll NEVER get clean and change unless she wants to. So she would have to admit she has a problem (the hardest part)

2) If you go an intervention route she has to agree to go get treatment. Even if she does, if she thinks she has it under control, it won't help.

3) If you go an intervention route you have to have an "expert" on hand. This person is neutral and helps "guide" the intervention.

4) You need to have EVERYONE who cares about her recovery there (aside from children of course). NOBODY can get combative or point fingers at her. It has to be supportive. This can be hard b/c probably she'll lash out (denial talking).

I decided against intervention b/c my mom is a prideful person and I knew that this would be the wrong move for her. Instead losing her house and darn near everything sort of "kicked" her out of it. She's not perfect (her drinking has increased) but the "hard" drug use has stopped.

I can live w/this.

Good luck. You can PM me anytime if you need to talk.

luvmykids replied: Like Casey said, they have to agree to go. They can only be forcibly sent if there is an incident with the police involved and they think she needs assesment (in which case, depending on the outcome, she may still be released....think Britney Spears ) or if it is part of a sentence resulting from some kind of criminal charge.

That's how it works in NM anyway...many many many people go as a result of an intervention but the success stories are few and far between with that route because, back to the first point, they have to realize they have a problem and want help.

holley79 replied: Have the very immediate family check with the court house in reference to an Ex Parte. What it is, is a court order into a facility by a judge. They evaluate her then report back to the Judge. Then the judge says how long she has to stay. We have tried "intervention" with just the family but then they go on the defense due to the attack. The biggest problem though is this, If she isn't ready for help she isn't going to accept it. Also if she is forced into rehab then she is liable to completely seperate from the family. Then again having her admitted may be the very best thing for her and it may help her. Just depends on the person.

grandma replied: Interventions are a good tool, but only if the addict is willing to follow along and go to rehab. You can't force an adult to go to rehab or stay in rehab, they can usually leave at will, unless it is court ordered, with the consequence of jail if they leave.
Sounds to me like the husband also needs help, it's not bad enough that the addict is in denial, but her main support person is right there with her.
The advice to get legal help is the only way to go with this one, afterall they are grown adults and it doesn't sound like they think anything is wrong with their lifestyle.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: We thought about, but never actually used intervention on my brothers. Jail must have been intervention enough for one and being homeless seems to be working on the other. They have lost everything and I guess that is their bottom. You know they say everyone has their own "rock bottom". Maybe she will hit hers soon. I do feel a bit differently about it since she is a female and the primary caretaker of her child. Especially since her husband seems to be contributing to the problem.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
My aunt and uncle are totally supporting them right now, since the husband is the only one working and he doesn't make much. I know they watch the daughter A LOT. It used to be so they could go party, but now it's all the time because my cousin can't function throughout the day. So it's partially my aunt and uncle's fault for not really letting their daughter hit rock bottom, kwim? I don't think they would ever let it get to the point of homelessness, although I think that would be a good wakeup call. My cousin is a spoiled brat, and VERY stubborn, always has been even at 37, so that doesn't help. My aunt and uncle have always dotted (sp?) on her, which goes back to me saying she has always been in the spotlight in our family. I hate to say it, but as much as I love and support her, I somehow knew it would come down to this. I can't tell you all the strange things I've seen her do while growing up, immature things, at her age. I thought things would turn around when she had a baby. It was cool when we were teenagers, she was my big cousin, but now I've moved on. And I think her parents and she sortof resent me for that. My sister told me recently that my cousin said this about me last time my sis and her were together "I just want to barf if I hear one more thing about how perfect Rae's life is". Or maybe she used the word nauseous.

Okay, I'll stop blabbling now...just needed to get that one off my chest.

Thanks for the legal advice you guys. This helps. I will tell my mom who will talk to my aunt. I'm staying out of it. I've tried to be there for my cousin in the past but I can seriously fly ALL the way out from CO to CA to see her, and she would choose hanging out with her everyday friends instead of me, no joke, really happened.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I never, ever in my life thought my parents would let my brothers go homeless. Seriously. My parents are the biggest enablers and I blamed them for a long time for the fact that they enabled them to continue their self destructive behavior. The twins are 34. The youngest is 32. They are all older than me and have nothing to their names. It's sad. My parents finally got to a point to where they said enough is enough....we don't want you around us anymore. Jason had no choice but to go live at the Mission, after living on the street for several weeks and every crack house in the area turned him away and the dealers threatened to kill him if he came around anymore. A good friend of ours runs the mission in town and he took Jason in and put him on a one year program. He's doing well now, but he has to live there for a year. That's where I went to visit him on Christmas. How nice is that?

I don't talk about my brothers very often. I love them and we all are very close. We have a great relationship despite everything we've been thru. If you met my family you wouldn't believe for one second that I came from the same family as them. You also wouldn't believe they have problems. My parents are very normal, my brothers just made different choices growing up. The youngest brother got out of jail a year ago after serving 9 mos and is doing really good. We talk pretty much everyday and are very good friends. He will be here in February to watch my kids while I go to SoBe. I trust him that much. He's such a different person. He was addicted to prescription meds and I know that his behavior in the past was a result of his addiction. He's a good guy. All three of them are (when they are sober).

I didn't mean to hi-jack your thread. I just want you to know that there is hope for your cousin. People can change and people can overcome the addiction. I have a feeling she will get tired of living that life.

And I do think it's harder since she's a female. My mother said time and again that she doesn't know what she would have done if I had turned out the same way my brothers had. Throw a kid in the mix and that makes it so much worse. Jason has 2 children by 2 different girls. My parents are always trying to compensate for my brother not being there. My mom feels like she needs to provide them with a certain "lifestyle." Whatever. They are currently trying to get custody of the oldest boy (he's 9). They've had him anyway since he was born.

grapfruit replied:
I think part of what helped my mom (but it hurt) was to take away that safety net. She had my brother (who was 16 so fully self sufficent) so of course nobody was going to let them go completely hungry or live on the street.

Well one night he called me (I think it was a Sunday) CRYING (he's was 16 yo boy, they don't cry) b/c he hadn't heard from her in 2 or 3 days and there was NOTHING to eat in the house. I put the phone down (bawling of course b/c his poor heart was ripped out) and looked at Tim. I got about 1/2 of the story out before he was putting his shoes on and grabbing his car keys. I picked my brother up that night and he spent the next 4 months w/us.

It woke her up. I took her son away from her. We're just NOW getting our relationship back on track. And I'll tell you, the fall out was hell. Living w/my brother was hell. He has spent years doing what he wants when he wants to do it. He wasn't used to rules and curfews and all the things I imposed. I ended up having to take him to counciling and help him get over his anger problems. B/c he'd blow up at me.

It's a long process and YES they can change. But it'll take living on the streets or SOMETHING to wake her up. Like everyone else said. She has to hit rock bottom.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied: Aimee, thanks for sharing your story. It must be really hard on you and your family. I didn't feel like you were hijacking my post, just giving your opinion based on your own experience. It has helped, so thank you. I wish I knew what to tell my aunt and uncle, but since I moved to CO 8 years ago, we just aren't close anymore. So a part of me feels like it's none of my business. My aunt always says to me when I see her "oh you and ____ (my cousin) are so much alike, I wish you would go visit her more". I always was a bit offended by it, because I know how she is, and I'm so NOT like her, but now I know it was sortof a cry for help, as in YOU can relate to her Rae, please go do something. Well I have tried to reach out, but she is in total denial. Around Xmas, she was doing well, getting out of the house, but now it's even worse. Like others said, until she can admit that she has a problem herself, there really isn't much we can do. I email her from time to time just letting her know I'm here and that I care, but she is so in deep, way over her head, that our conversations don't really make a lot of sense. She won't go see a therapist because she takes the attitude of "they all suck".

Thanks for the insight Aimee.

luvmykids replied: I'm sorry your family is dealing with all of this

I didn't know DH when he was drinking and addicted to drugs, but he went to rehab 11 times before it worked...I only tell you that to give you some hope that some people do it the hard way but that doesn't mean it will never happen.

Your uncle and aunt probably know they are enabling her but for most people with loved ones struggling with these kinds of things they don't want to admit it...they want to bad to think that if they keep helping and making life easier it will enable the person to deal with their problems...when it really just enables the problems to continue.

Hang in there, I know you're staying out of it and I think that is wise, and as much as it hurts, try not to take her words or actions personally...it's impossible for addicts to blame themselves or take responsibility, so they lash out at everyone around them and especially those they compare themselves to...through no fault of yours, she probably hates her self when she compares her life to yours.

mysweetpeasWil&Wes replied:
Casey, I wish my aunt and uncle would do this. But they are such proud people, in a bad way...You know the type, my cousin is their only child, she has only had one job in her 37 years and that was working for my uncle, they buy her everything she wants. Not bashing only-children by any means, but in other words, she is very spoiled. I was shocked my aunt has finally confided in my mom and told her about all my cousin's issues, because it's not her style (her daughter is god in her eyes). They always say "oh she is so wild, always on the go" like it's something to be proud of.

You are very brave to do what you did. I really applaud you for that. Taking in your brother and standing up to your mom couldn't be easy. But I'm sure she has thanked you for it, if not verbally, in her heart.