Am at my witts end, don't know what to do

CantWait wrote: Ok I seriously need to vent and get this off my chest and maybe even have a cry
Dh and I have been having a lot of problems as of late. We've never really gotten along so to say, but we've stuck through it for the last almost 10 years. We don't share a lot of the same interests, we don't do anything but watch movies together, I don't feel like we're a family and certainly a couple. We argue constantly about the kids, money, blah blah blah. That's just the small stuff.
I'm so stressed right now, and I've got no energy, I can't get into doing anything cause I'm so burnt out cause he does nothing. In a day I can manage to do a couple sink full of dishes, and cook dinner. The rest of my time is devoted to Anthony, and helping Robbie with homework. Dh does NOTHING. He doesn't cook, (his idea of getting dinner is takeout, which I'm getting sick of because of 1. it's not good for ya and 2. MONEY, it's a waste of), he doesn't do dishes hardly. He won't do laundry and because of that I haven't done his in the last month, I just do mine, which I hardly have any, and the kids. he doesn't clean, especially the bathroom, I know it's not me peeing around the toilet He barely takes care of the dog, won't pick up the yuck in the backyard. Worst of all i can't get any free time to myself because he doesn't have any patience with Anthony, I don't trust him to be alone with him for long. He doesn't know when Anthony is suppose to eat or what he eats at what time, he doesn't know his nap time scedule, and he won't give him a sippy cup to get him use to it. The other day he changed Anthony's diaper (which is not to often) while I was out, and he didn't wipe the poop from between his leg folds YUCK. When I went to change him the next time he was red and stinky.
I'm beginning to think that it's time for dh and I to split ways, I love him, but sometimes I think I'm not in love with him anymore, and it's just not worth it for me to be so tired all the time. I know that if I move home that if I at least need a bit of time for ME, my mom would be MORE then happy to take the kids for a bit. There's so much running through my head about this I just needed to vent to somebody. Sorry for sounding all bummer, but thanks for listening if you made it through this

MommyToAshley replied: I am sooo sorry for what you are going through. I wish I knew what to say, but I don't know what I would do in this situation. Have you thought about counseling, or do you think you are already past that stage?

Whatever you decide to do, I am here for you. You've become a good friend, and I wish there was more that I could say or do. I am here anytime you want to talk, cry, vent, or just need soemone to listen. And, no apologies needed!

I am going to keep you in my prayers. I wish I could give you a GREAT BIG HUG and a shoulder to cry on in person.

paradisemommy replied: ok..well not that i know exactly what you are going through but i am a two time loser (been divorced twice) so i know what it's like to be in a marriage and be totally miserable. since you've been with him for almost 10 years now, you know him pretty well and what he is capable of (changing/not/etc.) the only thing i can think of to tell you is to follow your heart. i knew deep down that my previous 2 marriages were failures before i got into them too deeply (but i so desperatly wanted them to work out and change that i stuck around hoping for that day that pigs fly and of course it never came).

maybe if your feelings are so strong that a separation would do dh some good. moving back in with your mom may just be what you need and you know your mom would definitely help you out and give you a much needed break and on the flip side, it will let your dh know that you are serious and you know that saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder.." maybe he'll realize how much he has taken you for granted and would be willing to change or work harder at trying to change.

either way..here's lots of big for you. i know the first step is always the hardest to take but it will truly guide you in your decision. when i finally made the decisions to get out of my failed marriages and moved out, etc. it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and i was a completely changed woman (no more migraines, stomach aches, stress) it was so uplifting. lean on your mom or family or whomever is close to you, because once you confide in them you start your road to recovery and start feeling stronger and not so down (at least that's how i was)

i hope things work out for you and if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to email or pm me..

good luck..

A&A'smommy replied: ((((BIG HUGS))))) I dont know what to say just that i hope you know what to do for you!!! I agree follow your heart it will tell you what to do!! I hope you and your dh can work things out!!! I read somewhere that you tried couseling...do you think it would help to try again? ((((BIG HUGS)))

aspenblue1 replied: I am so sorry you are going through this. I agree with following your heart or maybe counseling would work. Sending (((HUGS)))

amynicole21 replied: Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear that you are miserable I know how it is to let things build up inside... it only gets worse until you finally explode. I think you should really consider counseling, if you haven't gone that route already. It will help to get things out in the open and having someone else in the room when you say it might just make DH listen. You don't deserve to be treated the way he's treating you.

Kaitlin'smom replied: I am sorry your having to deal with this on top of rasing 2 kids. I watched my sister go through this same thing, I will tell you what I told her. If your not happy then do something about it, you and only you can change it. Let me ask you this, you say you love him, are you in love with him?

I hope you can find the strength to do what you need to do for you and your kids, if your mom is willing to help you then take a break from DH it might make him open his eyes and see what he would be loosing. You dont have to comit to anything perment now just taking a break and see how things go.

I am here for you feel free to PM me anytime

ediep replied: awww, I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. I wish you lots of strength. Good luck, I am here if you need to vent anytime!

jcc64 replied: I'm so sorry you're having trouble. I don't know you well enough to give you any advice about whether you should stay or go. But I think a little distance from the situation would help both of you. Maybe you should stay with mom for a little while if that's possible. It would give both of you a chance to think things through and see what life apart is like. Best of luck.

Julie (jem0622) replied: If you haven't been to counseling then give it a try.

I have a question....you say that there are things he doesn't know about Anthony (schedule, etc). Do you have it written down anywhere? I keep it on hand not just for us but for grandparents who may help out or neighbors who may help out.

When it was just Nathan...I didn't really ask DH to do things. I just did it. I didn't say 'honey, it would really help me if you could do 'x''. And I wouldn't bring up if he didn't do it as long as it was done by the end of the day. I could rant that it wasn't done when I wanted it done, but what is the point in that? DH was rather afraid of staying with Nathan when I needed to do something b/c I didn't give him a lot of opportunity...and frankly...I was hurting Nathan and DH by not giving DH that trust and that time to bond with his own son. DH now is home with our boys and works nights...so he was thrown into it all plus adjusting to tending to two and not just one and he does a great job.

I'm sorry that you guys are in a rut. But it doesn't sound like you don't love one another. It's more about just doing your share. And if you give him more time with Anthony and just show him really quick about changes and then just leave the issue alone...maybe he'll do okay. Even DH doesn't always do a thorough wipe job on Gabe....but then again poop just drives him crazy.

HUGS
Julie

coasterqueen replied: I'm so sorry you are going through this. The only advice I have would be to consider counseling first. I know some men just won't do it or don't give it a try, but see if it's worth it. Sometimes churches, if you are a member of one, will do it for free. Some insurances cover it too.

If counseling doesn't work, I agree that maybe a separation may do you both some good. It will give you time to really listen to your heart and see what you want to do and maybe it will *wise* him up a bit too.

DansMom replied: I don't have any advice that is different from the above---just hugs and encouragement.

Maddie&EthansMom replied: I'm so sorry! I know you missed him terribly when he was gone and I think the two of you really love each other there is just a lack of communication there. I would also suggest counseling...you mentioned that you may give it a try if he would agree to go. That may help you communicate and get some things out in the open. Do you know how he feels about you at this point? Is he giving up? Sometimes it is so hard to tell with men. Maybe there is something that is making him distant and helpless around the house. I'm very sorry! I do know what you are going through and I so hope it gets better. I think you are such a great person for wanting your marriage to work and stick with it for so long. It is so hard to communicate when you are angry and upset. I hope it all works out.

kimberley replied: i am sorry you are going through this. maybe a separation will be just the thing that makes him appreciate you more and for you both to realize how much you love each other still. i wish i was closer to take the boys so you two could go out together and talk. i am here if you ever need anything.

CantWait replied: Thanks guys for all the advice and warm wishes and hugs. It really means a lot. DH and I haven't been to councelling as of yet. We had an appointment a couple weeks ago but the car broke down and we couldn't go. It was so hard and took so much for me to call and make the appointment too that I don't know if I'll be able to do it again. There's a little more to the situation that I didn't explain and don't really want to get into, but I do have my reasons for not trusting him with the baby, not only not wiping him properly and such.
Again thankyou for your ears