Am I being selfish? - what would you do?

DillsMommy wrote: Tom got a promotion at his job a little over a month ago. He used to work in the shop painting cars and doing body work and now he's in the office as an estimator. This is a really good thing for us--he will get a guaranteed paycheck/ amount of money, unlike when he was in the shop. He will also be making quite a bit more money than before so it's a huge relief BUT he said it's SOOO stressful. About a week ago he asked me to quit my job. I only work three nights a week, but he said he's just too stressed when he comes home to give the kids dinner, homework, bedtime, ect.. by himself on the nights I work. The thing is-- I really don't want to quit. I really like my job, I love the people I work with and it's more like a break for me. I get to hang out with people that I've formed friendships with and make some money doing it. It's an easy, fun job and I actually look forward to the evenings I work. He said if I could quit for about 3-4 months while he really gets the hang of the new job (he's still learning alot of the stuff) then I can go back--BUT I don't see that happening. I just have a feeling that once I quit, he won't want me to go back. I CAN NOT stay at home all the time. I will go crazy. So anyways, am I being selfish for not wanting to quit? I feel like I'm being whiny about it....

coasterqueen replied: I don't think you are being selfish. I don't think he is either. It's just a hard situation for many people, you know. What about sitting down and talking about what would make things less stressful on him while you are working? Could you get a nanny for just say, an hour, while you are at work so that person could get dinner ready, feed the kids, etc and let him wind down a bit.? I am sure he knows how important it is to you as well to have a job, so I'm sure he's only asking you because it IS so stressful for him. I know how stressful it is for me when I work all day and then Dh is traveling and I have to rush home to get dinner on the table, etc, etc, etc with no help. It's exhausting. I bet if you to come together and find a solution to ease up the stress at home for him on the nights you work, it would work out for the both of you. Even if it's having all the meals prepared ahead of time for the days you work. And maybe getting their baths ahead of time that day, etc.

GL! I'm sure you will find a solution that will work and I really don't think you are being selfish at all.

luvmykids replied: I really agree with Karen, there has to be a solution you can both live with. Could you go down to two nights a week and see if that helps? Have an easy dinner ready that he can just feed them without having to do anything, try to have homework done, etc.

I think if both of you can talk about it with the other persons point of view in mind and remember the situation is temporary, you'll be able to come up with a compromise.

DillsMommy replied: I've tried talking to him and he's, well, stubborn. He'll ask me at least a dozen times a day.. 'are you putting in your 2 weeks' I even try to make things as easy as I can on him by having dinner either made or have something quick and easy in the house that he can make. I have the house picked up and the kids p.j.s laying out. And that still doesn't seem to help. I don't know. Maybe it will be easier to just give in and take a leave of absences, that way I'm not actually quitting. Then I can use the next few months getting stuff done around the house that I've been wanting to do, spending time with the kids, ect...
Because a happy Tom makes for a happy house.

Hillbilly Housewife replied: I wouldn't do it, but that's just me. What about hiring a kid to come over and help out for an hour?

Sounds to me that he's not stressed about having to make dinner and get the kids to bed, it sounds like he's stressed about having to actually watch them. Considering you have dinner either made, or really easy.. pj's out etc... Isay have a neighbourhood kid come over and help with dinner/bedtime routine.

Kaitlin'smom replied: honeslty in todays economy NO way would I quit a job, IMO he is be selfish. Sounds like you have done what you can to make things eaier for him as it and its not enough, so if you quit whats going to be next for you? You need to be happy as well not just him. I woudl say your last statement goes both ways.

stella6979 replied:
I agree. I don't know your DH, but it sounds like he's the one being a tad bit selfish. If you enjoy your job and don't want to quit, then don't. He's their Parent too and it's his responsibility to help out. I mean, if he's stressed watching them for just a few hours a few days a week, how is it fair to ask you to watch them all day, everyday?

msoulz replied:
Yep, ITA, especially about not quitting a job right now! What if his doesn't work out, then you have nothing.

boyohboyohboy replied: I dont think he is being selfish, it sounds like he is overwhelmed, and in that case, when he comes home and is saying he is stressed, I assume its the kids who get caught in the middle with a grumpy daddy.
how about a highschool girl that could come and help with them while he is there? someone to just get them dinner, play and off to bed? and a highschool girl might not cost all that much? and maybe you could just work two days a week?
It doesnt sound like quiting is for you, so going from a stressed out daddy, to a bored out of her mind mommy isnt the ideal solution either..being a SAHM is hard..
there really is no social contact like you mentioned..
keep talking about it there might be come middle ground you guys can find, can either of you change your hours so that kids might be able to go to daycare of school while you are at work?

My2Beauties replied: IMHO, I think your DH is being just a tad bit selfish too, because this is the one thing that you look forward to each week, how can he ask you to give that up? I understand that he's stressed but he has to realize it's stressful to be in the house all day every day 24-7 without any type of relief...believe me I just came back to work after being home 24-7 the past 2 weeks and I was going stir crazy. I loved it but I did have days where I just got out and did something, even if it meant go wash my car. So hon, I think this will die down if you stick to your guns. I don't think it's fair!

my2girls replied: If it were me I'd quit today!!! I did that 13 years ago and have never looked back!!
Most women would love to have their dh's say quit work, stay home with the kids but can't because they have to work to stay afloat.

Like you said, take a leave of absence. Maybe go back in a few months or maybe not, you just might like staying home with the kids. You can see girlfriends while the kids are at school or on weekends.

Your dh does sound really stressed and by easing his stress he can perform his job better (which is your main source of income) and it will be one less thing for him to worry about because he knows you are there at home taking care of everything/one.

Economy should have nothing to do with this ( because it sounds like you don't bring a big check home and he does) , this is about your husband ASKING you to help him ease stress. He is trying to to the best he can at his job and if that means you staying home to help him , so be it.

DVFlyer replied: Quit in today's economy? No way....

Quit because he can't handle the kids? No way...

Men who say they "can't" handle raising kids annoy me.

TheOaf66 replied: Jennie and I do the exact same thing, but she works 5 nights a week. Sure I would love to come home and have some downtime and what not but guess what...you play the hand your dealt. If we were in the situation where Jennie could quit and stay home she would love it but with lifes circumstances that isn't possible.

I guess I am more harsh because I am there too...I would tell him to suck it up and be the parent. You think there aren't days when I would love to come home and just relax but hey I can't. I have to wait until 8pm when my kids are asleep and even then I don't get to because there is work to be done....laundry, litterboxes, dishes, whatever.

I guess I just can't get on board with that...oh I had a long day...quit your job so I can come home and "unwind" (aka do nothing). Life sucks sometimes...deal with it.


I mean no offense to you or your hubby

momofone replied: Anyway you can work weekends maybe that would be a solution that would work if it is possible .

DVFlyer replied:


Where's the fist bump smilie when you need it?

DillsMommy replied: Thanks for all of your input guys.
It's nice to see so many people agree with me because I was really starting to think maybe I AM the one who is wrong here. He's wanting me to put in my 2 weeks tonight, but I'd rather come home and try to talk to him one more time. There has got to be a way to work everything out. We'll see....
Ugh! Marriage is tough!
Troy (or maybe we should call you Dr. Troy) -- No offense was taken at all. It was just really nice seeing that coming from a guy, and I wished my husbands brain worked that way. His exact words to me the other night were " take off a few months so I can come home and unwind" I'm just trying to figure out when I'll get a break.

Calimama replied: No, he is. How are you too stressed to take care of your children? IMO sounds like he doesn't want to when he gets home because he's tired or whatever. I'd keep my job.

luvmykids replied:
Oh boy do I wish my husband understood that

TheOaf66 replied:
Tell him to accept what I have...you get to unwind when you children are out of the house. There is nothing stopping him from going somewhere on the weekend or something for a few hours to get away but during the week when you're working he has responsibilities and he needs to man up to them.

It is not the 50's anymore when Mom did everything with the kids and house and when dad came home he sat in a chair and read the paper. He needs to get that Ward and June Cleaver fantasy out of his head.

If he gives you guff then you say...what about my unwinding...I am stuck in the house all day...where is my relief? If he can't get that then you have deeper issues to work on.


BTW: I kind of think that has a nice ring to it...Dr. Troy

PS...My bill will be coming shortly in the mail...I like multiple domestic beers

My2Beauties replied:
Jennie you're one lucky lady to have a husband with that kinda mindset! DV I'm not exclusing you either...WTG guys!

coasterqueen replied:
Aww, come on. I'd like to have that fantasy in my head some days. I know my husband would too.

Cece00 replied: You arent being selfish- he is.

I used to stay home, but I work FT now. I dont think I would want to stay home full time again.

I'd be more than happy if DH got a promotion that allowed me to work PT, but I would not want to quit and be a FT SAHM again.

I would be pissed if my DH asked me to quit a job I liked and that brought in money because he didnt want to deal with the kids. I mean personally I cant believe you didnt bite his head off- he wants you to quit so YOU can deal with the kids because he is too "stressed" at work??



Sounds like a really lame excuse IMO.

I cant even imagine what I would tell my DH if he asked me to quit my job so he didnt have to deal with the kids a couple of nights a week bc he was too "stressed". Like I would seriously be angry and offended...

I would personally tell him to suck it up, but if you dont want to do that, I'd see about getting someone to help you out for a few hrs on his nights. Although that seems like a perfectly good waste of $$- he's capable of caring for his kids less than HALF of the week IMO.

lovemy2 replied: I think if you could take a leave of absence that would be OK - but if it means actually quitting and leaving a job you love and deserve to be able to go to then no I wouldn't do it - I would try to find another way to get him some help in the evenings you are at work. I can understand him being overwhelmed right now but life is like that and why should you carry all the burden of raising your children just because he is a little stressed - there are days I am sure you are too and you don't ask him to quit.....JMHO...good luck in deciding - its a tough situation but I for one know all too well the consequences of giving up all of yourself for someone else

Boo&BugsMom replied:
I do have one special man. He does a lot to make our situation possible.

Both Troy and I wish I didn't have to work, but not necessarily because he wants his feet up the minute he comes home or to be Ward Cleaver. Unless he isn't telling me something... . Believe me, if I didn't have to work, Troy would still be helping with the kids baths, dinner, house cleaning stuff, etc. Maybe not as much as he does now since I'd be home, but we have a pretty good balance of shared responsibilities regardless of our situation. I don't want to work because I miss us being a family during the week. I am just a person who can't stand being away from my family all the time like that. It's more about Troy and Tanner, since Troy is at work and Tanner is at school all day. Aiden still is spoiled during the day.

But this isn't about me...

I really don't think either of your are being "selfish". He seems overwhelmed, which I can understand, and you really truly enjoy your job, which I can also understand. If your job means that much to you, then he needs to understand that. If this is about him not wanting to step up to the daddy role though, I think that is a bit selfish. He can't expect to just clock out when he gets home from work, regardless if you are home or not.

I would talk about it with him and come to an understanding. Maybe you can cut back some hours? If this was us I would jump at the chance to quit, but that is me. Everyone is different. If we were in this kind of disagreement the only way I would quit would be if he truly thought that it would be best for the whole family...not just HIM. There has got to be a compromise, and the compromise should not come from only you.

moped replied: Ok, here is the deal - the way I see it...........

Doing those things are things that any dad would do regardless right. I mean, if Tom worked full time out of the house and I was home, when he walked in the door at 5 I would expect him to bath the kids and still help with bedtime etc. I am a full time working mom, when I get home at 5 I don't even get my coat off and i am feeding the kids, bathing the kids, get PJ's on etc etc........I am on the run until they are in bed, then I spend the next hour tidying up and cleaning and getting them all set for tomorrow this is just the life of a parent.......I am sorry to sound harsh, but he can do it and he will figure out hte new job. Being an adult and a parent requires multi tasking.

My husband is home with them during the day and VERY little is done with the house etc.......it is not easy for me, but the kids are with him and that is important

I do not think you should quit your job and I do not think you are selfish to want to keep it - keep your job

mommyandlovingit replied: OK, so I am brand new here and am fully prepared to be blasted for my response. Here goes, I think that you should support your husband. With all of this talk on the board about your DH being "wrong" or who is the selfish one, I would be concerned about the welfare of the relationship (if you have adopted the view that he is "wrong" or "selfish"). Following this advice would divide, not help your relationship.
If you have the opportunity to stay home - which so many families don't have - and your DH is asking you, I would absolutely do it. He will love you more for showing him some support during a stressful time. I guess that the question is what your priorities are. My first priority is to be a teammate to my husband in creating a loving family for ourselves and our kids. Doing this fulfills me and makes me happy. At first I had a hard time leaving my career to stay home full time, but have been able adjust my view of my new job. I create this loving home so that when my DH comes home from 12 hours on the job, he is not stressed. That means that the house is usually clean and kids are cared for. And you know what? I NEVER ask him to do any of the cleaning or bathing of kids BUT he does it anyway because he wants to do kind things for me. There is no power struggle of who was right or wrong or did more or less, we just try to make life good for each other. I sleep in every weekend and he encourages me to have my alone time because he knows what I gave up for him (a career that I loved and fulfilled me in a different way).
BTW, for this fleeting phase of my life, I get my intellectual stimulation (aka adult conversation) from a book club I belong to and a women's social club.
I truly hope for the best for you and your family!
Kat

DVFlyer replied: That is a very "old school" way of thinking and, honestly, if every woman thought the way you do, there would be more happy men.. but I fear more unhappy woman.

There is a reason that way of thinking is not popular today and it's not because the men were not happy.

Oh... and welcome to PC.

my2girls replied: Yes , Welcome Kat!!!

Like I said, 13 years ago I did the same thing and have never looked back!!
We are a Ward and June household. I love it and so does my husband.
When he gets home dinner is already made or being made, his cup of iced tea is really and he relaxes for 10-15 mins ( after he kisses the girls hello and me too), then we eat dinner, he gets online for his classes ( finishing his degree) , the girls and I do dishes and then we have the night free to do what we want.
By the way I homeschool also so I am literally with my kids 24/7 most days, so having your kids in school is when you should take your me time and also take care of the household duties that you don't need help on.


Just because we are Ward and June doesn't mean I'm not happy. I do some outside the home stuff for me as well and that is the key. Staying home to take care of the kids and house is not a death sentence or torture and it shouldn't be thought as such.
Yes most men would be very happy that their wives stay home and be June, my dh gets that everyday from co-workers that say he is a very lucky man and wish their wives would want to stay home ( they can afford to have their wives at home also ,they don't need 2 incomes). Their wives don't because they can't handle being with the kids all day, want more expensive items, like not having to be on a budget and think that they are giving up some "power" to their dh's by being home!! That is sad.

My husband and marriage are very important to me and if my dh said he needed me to stay home I would ( and did). My marriage is better for it and so are my kids ( not saying working parents aren't doing a great job, so please don't take it that way) and if that means I'm home until they are 18 so be it, that is my job for NOW.

lisar replied: I dont think either one of you are wrong for wanting to do diffrent things. If it were me personally I would still work the 3 nights a week. Its a break for you, and the extra money cant hurt at all. And if you like your job then keep it. My dh works a second job 3 nights a week. As much as I hate it, I deal with it. I am there by myself with the kids. The only time I get upset about his second job is when the kids have given me a hard time.

Is there anyway you could maybe make it easier on him. Cook dinner before you leave. Like throw something in the crock pot. I am sorry if someone already asked I havent read all the responses.

moped replied:
Yeah I have a hard time wrapping my head around that thinking, mainly because we have a totally non traditional set up at our house, excpet my DH stays home with the kids but doesn't cook or clean, so I get quadruple the jobs at home.....oh well, my kids are happy and fed and sometimes dressed when i get home

Again Amanda, I say don't quit your job........like is busy as a parent, everybodys!

moped replied:
I am not trying to be a cow here, but you don't know the reasons why these women don't stay home. I have to defend the working mother here, because I am a full time working mom and a full time mom, wife, chef, maid, taxi and the list goes on and on.

I have a bazillion reasons for working, mainly because I make more and it makes more sense to keep us with groceries

my2girls replied: Actually, yes all 12 women said 1 or 2 of these things to me! I didn't say ALL working women said that , I said my dh's CO-WORKERS and WIVES said this.

They would say ( 6 of the women) " I could never stay home with my kids all day, I can't wait till school starts each year"
Another, "I like eating out 5 days a week and expensive clothes, so I work to afford those things"
One said ( in a whisper) that if she stayed home her dh would have the power in the relationship ( that is how she felt) because she wouldn't have her own money anymore and that gave her "power" in the relationship.

I do know that most working HAVE to work because they can't make it on one income, that wasn't what my post was about. My post was about the WOMEN I KNOW and WHAT THEY TOLD ME, to my face for reasons about working.

The OP was about staying home because her dh wants her to and that they DO NOT need her income , so that isn't a factor.
I hope she finds a solution that both her and her dh can work with.

mommyandlovingit replied: DVFlyer,
Thank you for the welcome, albeit I am a little confused by your "welcoming" comments. So are you saying that I shouldn't be happy? I know it isn't the "right way" that a modern woman should think, but after I got past what I perceived to be society's expectations of me, I was able to be happy. I grew up knowing I would go to school, graduate college, and have a career that pertained to this education. This was the norm for girls in the neighborhood where I grew up - which is awesome. We have all of the opportunities that most of our moms didn't have. However, now I feel like the ladies in my community "tsk tsk" and shake their heads that I have chosen to put this aside for the life I have now. Like I SHOULD pursue my career just to make some kind of point about being me being a strong and capable woman.
I am in a unique and fortunate position to have the choice to stay home. So, when I choose to stay home with my kids and embrace being a full time homemaker (yes, I did say the H word), this means I am somehow not right? I am crazy? Delusional about my own happiness? Just don't know any better? I have found what works for me and my family. I feel sad that some marriages have the "who is right/wrong" or the scorekeeping (how much does she/he do vs how much do I do) mentality. I feel like DH and my arrangement has helped us to avoid these conflicts.
I know it won't work for everyone, but I never thought life like the one I have now could bring me so much fulfillment. So, in this way, I feel empowered - like I don't have to fill anyone's role of what they think I should be - neither a modern woman nor 50's housewife. This is why I share my story - because I myself was surprised at this fulfillment!
Thanks for reading,
kat

grapfruit replied:
I think what they're saying is that lifestyle isn't for everyone.

Its GREAT that you're happy staying home. But what she was staying is that she doesn't WANT to stay home 24/7. She WANTS to work. She needs that break and doesn't feel its fair of her husband to make her do away w/what she enjoys when she's willing to compromise (i.e. have dinner ready, pjs out, baths finished, etc.)

I think is she wanted to quit and stay home it'd be a non-issue and never of come up.

Anyway, that's my take on it. And I agree w/what a lot of people said, find a HS girl that can give some attention until his "stress" is less at work (yeah right).

And welcome Kat!

HuskerMom replied: I agree, I don't think you should quit your job. It sounds like you really like your job, he should be happy that you found something that you enjoy so much.

I had been a sahm for 2 years and really liked it but I wanted to get out of the house too. So I got a part time job. It worked out really good with Dh's schedule and even though I don't make alot the extra money is nice.

I hope that you can come up with a solution that works for both of you! Good luck!

Sam & Abby's Mom replied:
So now she gets a break 3 days a week and he gets none ? LOL

Personally, I would take a leave of absence and see how it goes.

grapfruit replied:
No, his break would come the other 4 days in the week when she's home and doing what he wants her to be home doing.

DillsMommy replied:
Exactly. Me going to work 3 nights (a whole 15ish hours a week) is like a break for me. Tom gets home from work around 5:30-6, feeds the kids dinner, helps Dylan with homework, plays with them for a few, then puts them to bed around 9. So for 3 hours on those 3 nights I work, he has the kids alone, and claims he can't handle it right now. But on the other 4 nights I don't work, most of the responsibility is up to me. I am after all a mother and wife here and I have no problem with that responsibility, but I think most people would agree with me that a little help/break is nice.

If the 50's lifestyle works for some people--that's great, who are we to judge, just because we don't choose to live that way. All I'm saying is that's not me. And I actually want to work outside of the home.

Don't get me wrong here. My DH is a wonderful father and would do anything for his children. He goes to work everyday and works his behind off, to provide his family with a roof over our heads, food on the table, nice cars, etc etc... He's a great, loving husband as well. He can just be very stubborn and hard headed at times and it drives me crazy. (ie: insisting I quit my job, instead of compromising)

I really did not mean for this to turn into a debate.

momofone replied: what i do is when my daughter gets home from school she does her homework first thing around 330 then dinner at 400 maybe that would help your hubby if those two things are done early so he has less to do. Totally up to you. Just sharing our schedule to help your situation.

DillsMommy replied:
That would totally work, except I have to be at work at 4. Dylan gets out of school at 3:10, I pick him up and either bring the kids over my MIL's or sometimes she comes out to our house. She watches the kids until DH gets home.
Thanks for the suggestion though.
I wish it could work that easily.

momofone replied: Oh I didnt realize you start at 400 i hope things can be worked out somehow. good luck and KUP.

Hillbilly Housewife replied:
Uuuuuhhhh... why doesn't your dh just stay a little longer at your inlaws house?

TheOaf66 replied:
this is PC, of course it was going to turn into a debate